calliope Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 So after Xmas away, it's back to work and back to seeing him. I've only worked a couple of shifts with him, so it's not too bad. We've kept things professional - for the most part... Last week when we were alone I said how I wanted to talk to him, but didn't want to talk to him. I said a few stupid things like I missed him, I'm having a hard time, I'd go back again - things that I knew better than to say. He said he's having a hard time too, it's not easy for him, he has a lot of stuff to sort out. He said he has more to deal with than I do because he's trying to work on a relationship that he's not sure he wants to be in anymore.... He said he didn't want to give me the impression he's opening the door again. I said, "but you're not closing it..." He said, no not closing it, it' still ajar... So I know better than to hang around and wait, even though I really want to, I've decided I'm not, because I deserve better. But today when I went into work, a co-worker (who knew about A) asked me why he's been looking for furniture. I said I didn't know (which I don't..) She also told me that last week he was looking for apartments. My mind is now going a mile a minute. I'm trying to slow it down by telling myself that nothing has changed. The reality is that we're not together and he hasn't told me any of his plans. I'm not part of his life right now, by his choice. I just need a bit of support here to stay in my current reality of what the situation really is.
2themoon&back Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 So after Xmas away, it's back to work and back to seeing him. I've only worked a couple of shifts with him, so it's not too bad. We've kept things professional - for the most part... Last week when we were alone I said how I wanted to talk to him, but didn't want to talk to him. I said a few stupid things like I missed him, I'm having a hard time, I'd go back again - things that I knew better than to say. He said he's having a hard time too, it's not easy for him, he has a lot of stuff to sort out. He said he has more to deal with than I do because he's trying to work on a relationship that he's not sure he wants to be in anymore.... He said he didn't want to give me the impression he's opening the door again. I said, "but you're not closing it..." He said, no not closing it, it' still ajar... So I know better than to hang around and wait, even though I really want to, I've decided I'm not, because I deserve better. But today when I went into work, a co-worker (who knew about A) asked me why he's been looking for furniture. I said I didn't know (which I don't..) She also told me that last week he was looking for apartments. My mind is now going a mile a minute. I'm trying to slow it down by telling myself that nothing has changed. The reality is that we're not together and he hasn't told me any of his plans. I'm not part of his life right now, by his choice. I just need a bit of support here to stay in my current reality of what the situation really is. My heart goes out to you because I know that feeling of HOPE, which is why your mind is going a mile a minute. But slow it down... you will miss something or run into something if you are running at 100mph. I am not sure, but did you say in another post about giving him a year and then you were out? If that is what you said, do not and I mean do not go back on your words. It would come across as an ultimatum or threat to make him move or that you cannot keep your word, and this is probable not the messages you were trying to send. Stick to your boundaries they are for your own good. Keep moving in your own direction and if he shows up with papers like you asked him too and only then have some hope !!!! :bunny:
alexandria35 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Looking at furniture and apartments is easy, it's even a little bit fun. I love looking at new places online and daydreaming about moving and getting new furniture. Until he looks his wife in the eye, tells her he wants a divorce, then packs his things, he hasn't done anything.
pureinheart Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 So after Xmas away, it's back to work and back to seeing him. I've only worked a couple of shifts with him, so it's not too bad. We've kept things professional - for the most part... Last week when we were alone I said how I wanted to talk to him, but didn't want to talk to him. I said a few stupid things like I missed him, I'm having a hard time, I'd go back again - things that I knew better than to say. He said he's having a hard time too, it's not easy for him, he has a lot of stuff to sort out. He said he has more to deal with than I do because he's trying to work on a relationship that he's not sure he wants to be in anymore.... He said he didn't want to give me the impression he's opening the door again. I said, "but you're not closing it..." He said, no not closing it, it' still ajar... So I know better than to hang around and wait, even though I really want to, I've decided I'm not, because I deserve better. But today when I went into work, a co-worker (who knew about A) asked me why he's been looking for furniture. I said I didn't know (which I don't..) She also told me that last week he was looking for apartments. My mind is now going a mile a minute. I'm trying to slow it down by telling myself that nothing has changed. The reality is that we're not together and he hasn't told me any of his plans. I'm not part of his life right now, by his choice. I just need a bit of support here to stay in my current reality of what the situation really is. Hi Calli...good to see you:) *disclaimer* I am pissed right now (the anger thing) so please look past it:) The reality is, is he still has to get a D and I'm not sure how long those take in Canada. Since you stuck to your guns, you must continue...until homeboy is begging your forgiveness and telling you with proof that YOU are the one and only..DON'T FALL FOR ANYTHING (sorry for the screaming, please see disclaimer). I fell for exDM's sh*t so many times it wasn't even funny...begging, pleading, I can't live without you, beating on my F-ing window at all hours of the night, terrorising me, blowing up my phone (sometimes 80 calls in one day), MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL (please see disclaimer), abuse, the list just doesn't freaking end. He's the one that is M, not you, he's the one that needs to line up. I fell for so much crap that it is pathetic...so please, I hope you don't fall for anything...oh and then he wanted to pin his D on ME...he felt that I should be punished because of the mess he was going through....ewwwwww, ok I'd better stop or you'll see me on the news....*PIH beats the hell out of exDM, details at eleven*...well one more story, you'll like this...he pissed me off so bad one time, after tormenting me for days, I was trying to go NC, he comes over to beat on my window (this had gone on for over an hour)...he stands up on my gas meter to get to my bathroom window and breaks the meter pipe...it's my main gas line...natural gas is spewing everywhere...he's trying to stop the major flow of gas so that we don't blow up....I looked at him and was so pissed I cold cocked him...he starts to pass out (he was using a lot of drugs at the time)...I thought, oh F, I better revive him quick or will be in big trouble...anyway it was the middle of the night, the gas co had to get one of their big trucks, it woke up the whole neighborhood... I hope this helps, and if it doesn't at least it's good for a laugh:D...it definitly is reinforcing my NC:D
pureinheart Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Calli, If he loves you and you are "the one", he will show you and you will know it...love isn't hard, it's not confused, it doesn't play guessing games or doesn't need to be figured out..it just simply is. Let him prove it to you. I am not trying to rain on the parade, it's just that I have had so many guys mess with my heart and soul that I don't even know who I am anymore...please don't let this happen to you. ExDM had it WAY too easy with me....please remember all of the times you were alone, that essentially creates abandonment. This much I know for sure...when a man is in love, he will give you the world on a silver platter...that is how men are wired...until he does that, then put your hand up and say, "talk to the hand":)...ok I'm done for real this time, have a good night (day?) Calli:D
Author calliope Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 I am not trying to rain on the parade...... I know...I asked for this! And I really appreciate everyone's comments. He's not officially M, just CL, so no papers req'd. And no mutual kids - his live with their mother, hers live with their father. Also, no heavy finances or equity - they owe almost the full value of the home. Really no reason for him to stay, other than wanting to. So if he actually leaves, at this point it'd have nothing to do with me, which is what I wanted anyway. But as far as I know he hasn't left, so I'm trying not to let my mind run amok!
East7 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I know...I asked for this! And I really appreciate everyone's comments. He's not officially M, just CL, so no papers req'd. And no mutual kids - his live with their mother, hers live with their father. Also, no heavy finances or equity - they owe almost the full value of the home. Really no reason for him to stay, other than wanting to. So if he actually leaves, at this point it'd have nothing to do with me, which is what I wanted anyway. But as far as I know he hasn't left, so I'm trying not to let my mind run amok! Hi Calli, I would agree with what other posters said above. If they have no mutual kids and heavy finances, yes, it should be easier to him to move out, still...easier said than done, so be careful. I would suggest two points : 1- Don't give him ultimatums !!! Ultimatums don't work and often drive them away. Just back off and notice his actions rather than gossip and assumptions. 2- Don't give in into hope and expectations because if it doesn't work it will be even mire painful. This is a delicate situation and he is in a big confusion so not able to take clear decisions. The best you can do is LC, keep scarce contact with him but don't give him impression you are waiting, back off and see what happens, the message sent to him will be "I'm not cutting you off completely but I'm not waiting for you either". You will be more attractive in his eyes if you avoid looking desperately waiting but instead having a life on your own.
Author calliope Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Hi Calli, I would agree with what other posters said above. If they have no mutual kids and heavy finances, yes, it should be easier to him to move out, still...easier said than done, so be careful. I would suggest two points : 1- Don't give him ultimatums !!! Ultimatums don't work and often drive them away. Just back off and notice his actions rather than gossip and assumptions. 2- Don't give in into hope and expectations because if it doesn't work it will be even mire painful. This is a delicate situation and he is in a big confusion so not able to take clear decisions. The best you can do is LC, keep scarce contact with him but don't give him impression you are waiting, back off and see what happens, the message sent to him will be "I'm not cutting you off completely but I'm not waiting for you either". You will be more attractive in his eyes if you avoid looking desperately waiting but instead having a life on your own. Thank you East. I have no intention of giving him an ultimatum. As far as I'm concerned, we're not together now, so it's not even an option. He asked me last month to let him make his own mistakes and I told him then I'd respect his boundaries because he asked me to. Other than the moment of weakness last week that I mentioned above, I've done that. I'm trying my best to not give in to hope and expectations. I've been maintaining LC and no contact outside work. Other than that conversation last week, all discussions have been work-related. My worst times are when I'm by myself and my mind just goes into overdrive.... I actually just met a man (single!) last week. We've been out once for coffee & spoken on the phone every day since. I know dating anyone right now is probably a bad idea, but I just don't want to miss something that might be good because my heart's on hold. The fact is, like you said, him moving out is easier said than done. Besides, I don't even know anything for fact, just what a co-worker asked me about him...
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