babybear Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Hi guys, I've been in a relationship with my bf for close to 4 years...things were pretty great for most of it - but without boring anyone too much with details, I think we've come to the end of the road. A lot of it has to do with family dynamics, which I thought we could deal with - but his way of dealing is becoming very aloof and non-communicative. In addition - we're both in graduate school, with huge exams coming up. I essentially feel single already, because he never calls me...maybe a text here and there. So I almost broke it off, and then I backpedaled because this is a huge test for me and I didn't know if I should be rocking the boat right now. But I almost feel like it's worse to be THIS unhappy with him. Every night when my phone doesn't ring I get upset. At least if I knew I was single, he couldn't disappoint me anymore. Baby bear
january2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Since he's not calling you anyway, I suggest telling him that you'd like to take a break to prepare for the exams. Then if you still want to break up after the exams, you can do so and deal with the consequences then. Otherwise, you'll both have to deal with the emotional fallout plus revise at the same time - not an ideal combination by an stretch of the imagination.
Keridan Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 January has a good suggestion (as usual). Another option might be to consider yourself broken up, but save speaking it out loud until after finals. Is being with him preventing you from being with someone else or any other problem that means you need to do it in any hurry? I know it sucks, but it gives you the emotional out without putting him out until after the tests. It's somewhat semantics anyway from how you describe your situation. Either way, I hope you feel better. I know how lonely a quiet phone can feel. I hope things get better for you soon!
Author babybear Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 January and Keridan - thank you for the responses. It's nice to not have to keep this bottled up inside! I think I have pretty much adopted your advice Keridan - I do consider myself single. And even though we're technically still together, I wake up with a pit in my stomach - so I'm essentially going through a breakup. He's in serious denial or something. He avoids me so I can't end it, I think. I just feel so mentally abandoned...how could he not be more of a man and just put it out on the table? It's not cool to make someone play a guessing game! And during such a critical point in my life. But, he still texts me here and there, and I respond with fake cheerfulness b/c I have to pretend for this stupid exam. That's the hardest part I think, not being able to just eliminate him 100%. Plus, the test is in May, and while I want to be out keeping super busy and doing all those things you should be doing post-break up, I' m stuck in a library (Medical Student). In not so many words he said he didn't know where we were going (family drama) and that made it hard for him to give me 100% - so therefore he stays at work all day and I get the short end until we can figure out if we're going to go for it or not. Well, I decided NOT, but timing is so off.
Keridan Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Well, I'm very sorry for all the horrible timing of it. Break ups always suck. No way around it. Is he maybe putting it off to try and fix things later? Not a good answer, but maybe the reason he seems to be cowering instead of sucking it up and ending it. Med School freakin sucks anyway. I'm sure you especially hate not having the comfort you want from a bf when things are like this. Unless you are ready to have it out and get it over with (which is totally an option) you might as well keep it limited contact and plan on going NC when it's over so you can heal. Are these your finals by any chance? You could always go locum tenens afterwards and fly around the country on some company's dime. I know several docs who did that to get over the horrors of a school breakup or just the horrors of med school. You also get mad good experience. Again, sorry for what ya got going on. I wish I could tell ya the absolute best path. If you got any close friends, you might force yourself to hang out with them and think of other things, or you can always come complain to us.
Author babybear Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Keridan - ya I was definitely thinking that he's just put it on the back-burner until a little later. He said something to the effect of him having no idea I was so frustrated and upset. And then later he emails me saying he'll do whatever it takes to fix it. So I thought, actions speak louder than words. I waited...and he went back to his no calling ways. But I most definitely predict he'll be back if he REALLY suspected I was leaving. He's just kind of doing enough to keep me in the picture. I'm just too damn nice! Why do nice girls finish last?! And I am sooo happy you are all here to listen! I feel a million times better since posting!
Author babybear Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Ralary - I did want to fix it and I did try, but I just want to find that man who can't live without me. This one is all too content to go days on end without calling! Who's bf doesn't call?!
Author babybear Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Yes, consensus is that I should wait. So I will wait til freakin May!
Keridan Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I'm just too damn nice! Why do nice girls finish last?! And I am sooo happy you are all here to listen! I feel a million times better since posting! Nice folks finish last only in some respects. It comes from choosing to finish last rather than tripping the jerk who is slowing you down and getting past them. Sometimes ya just gotta feed 'em dirt and run on ahead. Maybe if you threaten to leave you'll get the response you think, but I suspect it would feel empty to you. I would love to be the cheerleader and tell you how I think it will all work out, but I think ya came here for some honest opinions and it sounds like a tough one. I'm glad ya feel better! It's nice when we can provide even a little comfort considering the condition most folks start posting in. There are some fun threads around, too, that provide a great distraction. I actually have to alternate between here and the failblog network to keep from getting too down sometimes
Author babybear Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 When I threaten to leave - he'll say something like, "Well if you really want to throw this away...". Implying that he's 100% in and I'm just being impulsive. It's hard not to second guess yourself when you've been with someone so long. I'm not second guessing anymore though. Enough is enough. This morning I wake up to a text: "Good morning beautiful." Gag. So I wrote, good morning, how are you? No reply, OF COURSE. I just have to work on not getting worked up, and just saying - he is who he is. Still working on that. Sigh.
Keridan Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Later on just send him a message saying. "So you're really okay with this?" when he asks what you mean, tell him you dumped him a week ago and he didn't respond, so you figgered he was okay
twinrexes Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I disagree with the posters who say to wait. You're already aggravated and waking up with a pit in your stomach. You're already upset every night when the phone doesn't ring. So how much difference will there be after you've told him it's over? At least you'll have four months to put your nose to the grindstone without any questions as to where things stand. And what if all this silence is because he's also having doubts but doesn't want to rock the boat? And what if he decides he's got to pull the trigger, and he does it first? Even if you both felt like it was over, it always feels better when YOU'RE the one making the decision to end things. It's better pyschologically to be the dumper than the dumpee. Drop the bomb, tell him if he feels differently you can discuss things after exams are over, and give him a solid four months to stew. You may find he has a whole new attitude come June.
twinrexes Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 BTW, I remember board exams (waaaay back when) being so stressful I was getting nosebleeds. Who needs the added stress of hurt, doubt, and uncertaintly? If he agrees with the breakup then, great! If he doesn't, then you'll just have to ignore that constantly ringing phone, the incessant texting and the drunk dialing. (ie, turn off your cell phone). All you have to do is decide which scenario is less disruptive to your studies!
D-Lish Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I wouldn't put this off any longer- May is still a ways off, and you're already feeling crappy about what's going on. I can't see it getting any better, so why prolong things?
Faded_x Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 I disagree with the posters who say to wait. You're already aggravated and waking up with a pit in your stomach. You're already upset every night when the phone doesn't ring. So how much difference will there be after you've told him it's over? At least you'll have four months to put your nose to the grindstone without any questions as to where things stand. And what if all this silence is because he's also having doubts but doesn't want to rock the boat? And what if he decides he's got to pull the trigger, and he does it first? Even if you both felt like it was over, it always feels better when YOU'RE the one making the decision to end things. It's better pyschologically to be the dumper than the dumpee. Drop the bomb, tell him if he feels differently you can discuss things after exams are over, and give him a solid four months to stew. You may find he has a whole new attitude come June. I definitely agree with this. Your exams aren't for another 4 months; that's a long time to be upset and confused. You may think putting this off until after exams will help you, but it seems as if this is already having a negative effect on you, and plaguing your mind. Each day that goes by where he isn't being more attentive, you're only getting more and more upset. Eventually, sometime even closer to your exams, you'll probably snap; and then you'll be even worse off than if you just got it over and done with now. I really would do it now, and then get stuck into exams and try to take your mind off it. And if he's not happy with this and wants to keep trying, tell him you at least need this time alone (for the next few months until your exam is over); and that he should contact you afterwards. This way, it gives you both time to think. I'd leave contacting each other until a week or so after your exams finish. This will give you some time to think things over, free from worrying about your exams. This last part obviously only applies if you think fixing things is a possibility. Who knows; maybe the time apart might knock some sense into him, and he'll see the error of his ways. It seems like you're happy with a clean break though, so either way good luck.
Author babybear Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Twinrexes - someone who understands my board exam pain! You're absolutely right about not postponing - and I agree with you (AND ab the nosebleeds - but that will probably start in April). It's very likely I will do that, but I don't think I am there YET. I'm just trying to taper it off slowly...and when I get to that point, I'll run and never look back. I just tell myself every day it's over, and I'm single - and I'm waiting til I really feel that. He called today (amazing!) and we talked about some school things - and I didn't feel that happiness I used to feel when I would see his name on my phone. So, I guess I'm making progress.
Author babybear Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Faded - ur totally right. Just the fact that I have a book open in front of me but am posting instead proves u are! It's just something I need to talk myself through...and if I feel confident enough, I'll do it. I know exactly how life is with him being aloof - but I don't know how I'll feel if it's over (maybe MUCH happier!) but I don't know if I want to chance it right now. Before I walked out of a review session a few days ago my professor said, this test is important! Don't make any life changes. Girls...no dumping your boyfriends!
Author babybear Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 And just a question for the guys out there - what would make you be so aloof? His excuse is familial issues (not of same ethnicity) compounded with him needing to put school/work ahead right now. Is this a typical guy behavior? Or guys, would you balance work and your gf no matter what? His cousin called me today looking for him - so apparently I'm not the ONLY one being blown off. Still...no excuse!
Keridan Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 And just a question for the guys out there - what would make you be so aloof? His excuse is familial issues (not of same ethnicity) compounded with him needing to put school/work ahead right now. Is this a typical guy behavior? Or guys, would you balance work and your gf no matter what? His cousin called me today looking for him - so apparently I'm not the ONLY one being blown off. Still...no excuse! Most guys I know are not this way, including myself. If we are bothered by something, we address it. We don't distance ourselves if we are feeling less in love even. We either get it fixed or break up. And I'm speaking about a considerable number of guys. Is he very non-confrontational? Could all this just be his way of avoiding the breakup like you mentioned above? Is he busy all the time? I respond late a lot, but never flake off. Is he possibly suffering a deep depression or other affliction that might make him super anti-social? It can be somewhat crippling. It's hard to say without knowing his personality. Some guys are just that way, but most I know aren't.
Author babybear Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Soo, i've had my nose stuck in a book these past few days - studying as I should be. I've texted him here and there to keep things normal. But mid-txt convo, he'll stop responding...or he'll call me when he's got 3 mins of free time. Basically, postponing the break up is really starting to hurt me. I can' t do this for 4 months, but my best friend tells me she swears its best for me to "pretend." We txt about the STUPIDEST things. "Like, wow it's cold." "Yea, it's cold here too". "It's supposed to rain." "Wow, I'm tired." NO JOKE! I semi-snapped yesterday and told him this "relationship" was a joke. No response. It's been almost 24 hrs. I just txtd him rt now saying, "I'm good, and my studying is fine, thanks for asking." No response. This is torture. I need to end it. I don't know what to say. I was gonna txt him to contact me by tonite, and if not - we both assume it's over. I don't want to talk tonite for 2 hrs, I just want it quick and simple. I've spent far too long on this BS. I'm smart, I'm in school, I've got good friends, good life, good personality. I am keeping myself with a guy who treats me like crap, WHY!? Is my txt a good idea? Thx guys.
january2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 My concern is that if you breakup, neither of you will be able to focus on your revision because you'll be using up too much emotional energy grieving the relationship. However, if you can't focus anyway, perhaps it's worth breaking up sooner rather than later to give yourselves more time to grieve. It's up to you though, you know yourself and your boyfriend best. If you'd rather grieve for the next four months than be irritated for the next four months, perhaps a breakup will be the best option.
Author babybear Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 That's EXACTLY the dilemma. Do I deal with ridiculous amounts of annoyance and aggravation, or the pain of ending it? Which might be more of a relief than actual pain.
january2011 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 That's EXACTLY the dilemma. Do I deal with ridiculous amounts of annoyance and aggravation, or the pain of ending it? Which might be more of a relief than actual pain. Unfortunately, we can't make that decision for you. It's your life and your decision. Best of luck to you - I hope that you make the right one for the both of you.
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