fiat500 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I feel guilty. I had to break no contact after several weeks because I had to get my stuff back. He's going back to college soon. I wasn't going to wait until spring break. I called and left a friendly message. He called back within three hours. Went and got my stuff the next day. It was a disaster. He was cold and distant. I was expecting that. But why be cold and distant if you're going to ask someone you broke up with if they want to be friends? Thought he had something to say. We stood in front of each other in awkward silence. I asked "is that it?" He shrugged. I asked what happened. He shrugged. I asked if it was my fault. He shrugged. Then said he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. Okay. And that it would never work out. Okay. Then when I go to leave he asks if "there was any way we could be friends in the future?" I didn't answer. I was hurt. Tried to leave, he wanted me to take back the paintings I gave him. I didn't want to. He wouldn't let me leave. I'm sure he thought I knew he was joking. I lose it and burst into tears. Feel like an idiot. Rush out of his house. Stand in his drive way trying to compose myself so i could drive home. He followed me outside without a coat. I feel guilty. I tell him to go inside. Try to shoo him away. Tell him to f##k off. I piss him off. Whatever. Still crying like a moron. He says sorry. It doesn't mean anything to me really. He insists he wants to be friends. I'm in no position to forgive or accept friendship. I feel so ashamed of myself for breaking down. I say nothing. Then tell him that he has plenty of female friends. He doesn't need another one. He still wants to be friends. I piss him off. Whatever. I really wanted to accept his request of friendship but I can't. I just can't. Speaking from past experience, I accepted friendship from my first ex and it was a lie. He didn't want to be friends or hang out with me like he said he wanted to. So I couldn't let it happen to me again. I enjoyed his company greatly but I can't accept a downgrade. I felt like I would look desperate if I told him we could be friends in the future.? I refuse to be grouped into his other female companions. Maybe it's an ego thing but I feel like I'm too good for that. He said he wished things could go back the way they were before we started dating. That hurt. But no one ever gets to go back. Guys, tell me that you can honestly go back to what you had before you started dating. I didn't think so.
dng Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I'm friends with only one ex. It took something like 7 or 8 years before we were able to be friends. We never stopped talking but would not talk for months and years at a time. It took her learning I was recently single for us to reconnect and now she's been a great friend to talk to about it. She's long distance now and we are both not interested. What we have now is nothing like what we had when were together, its much better - but 8 years in the making. You can't go back for the forseeable futur, I'm sorry to say. I think you did pretty well on that meeting. Don't be ashamed, its very emotional and you kept it together for a long time. He was a dick for baiting you into reacting.
Author fiat500 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 I don't know why I feel guilty for walking away though. He made me feel like complete and utter sh*t. When someone loses feelings for you it's the worst kind of hurt. It's also something I would expect from someone who is really too young to put value on anything or another female like myself. Not a 24 year old guy. I feel sick.
dng Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 What do you feel guilty about, exactly? He dumped you, you went NC for some weeks, then wanted to get your things, it was very emotional for you to see him again. You picked up your stuff and you were hoping for some closure from him, you didn't get it. He was hoping that you would beg and was disappointed so he baited you into some sort of reaction. You reacted because you are a human being and not a robot and now you are experiencing the shame of showing your feelings at a moment when you didn't want to. What do you feel guilty about, exactly? I don't see what you did that was wrong.
Author fiat500 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 I guess for refusing to be his friend. He probably doesn't care. But I do. I know what it's like to be alone. I'm alone even now. Being alone hurts. But this is the first time that I've ever refused to be there for someone. I feel crazy for missing his friendship. We were friends before we dated. I have nothing now. But at the same time it's a little more dignified than jumping at his dick request and getting nothing in return.
dng Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 The way you behaved yourself tells alot about your strength and its something you can be proud of. I bet alot of people on here will read this, including me, and wish they had been so elegant in their response. You are on the right path and you meant well.
0hpenelope Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 He says sorry. It doesn't mean anything to me really. He insists he wants to be friends. I'm in no position to forgive or accept friendship. I feel so ashamed of myself for breaking down. I say nothing. Then tell him that he has plenty of female friends. He doesn't need another one. He still wants to be friends. I piss him off. Whatever. Hit the nail on the head with that one. Our exes have other friends, it's true. Gaining a new friend is never a bad thing, but uh... I'd rather invest the energy into a different friendship, one that is established and worth it and most importantly, on a friend who doesn't quit on me when things get rough. Our exes don't care. They can tell us all they want about how much we "mean" to them, but in reality they still walked away from us. Just goes to show what "meaningful positions" we have in their lives. Good on you for not compromising yourself just so your ex can ease his guilt. He made his bed - he should lay in it.
melenkurion Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 You did nothing wrong. You handled a horrible , emotionally charged situation with a great deal of dignity and honesty. You can't be his friend, at least not for the foreseeable future. I doubt that it's even what he really wants. In reality, my guess is that all he wants is for you to utter those magic words to ease his own guilt. He can think to himself "we ended as friends, I am not the bad guy".
Author fiat500 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 It's true I knew he didn't really want friendship. He just wanted me to forgive him so he could move on and continue being the "good guy." I just couldn't let him have that. This is the first time he's ever dumped someone as an adult. How do you lose feelings for someone? It means you never really had them to begin with and everything was a lie. It's something I expect from a younger person. Not someone his age. We're both approaching our mid 20s. I thought it would be safe since I mistakenly figured he'd been through the sh*tter enough times as well. I had everything to lose and it was a big f##king waste for me. I'm going to be suffering for the next six months because of his immaturity. When I think back, everything was about him. I helped his family move him into his dorm. In the last three months of the relationship all he cared about was himself. My god. I will never see past sh*t like that again.
0hpenelope Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 It's true I knew he didn't really want friendship. He just wanted me to forgive him so he could move on and continue being the "good guy." I just couldn't let him have that. This is the first time he's ever dumped someone as an adult. How do you lose feelings for someone? It means you never really had them to begin with and everything was a lie. It's something I expect from a younger person. Not someone his age. We're both approaching our mid 20s. I thought it would be safe since I mistakenly figured he'd been through the sh*tter enough times as well. I had everything to lose and it was a big f##king waste for me. I'm going to be suffering for the next six months because of his immaturity. When I think back, everything was about him. I helped his family move him into his dorm. In the last three months of the relationship all he cared about was himself. My god. I will never see past sh*t like that again. I agree. I dislike that my ex wants to be friends as some sort of consolation prize for himself, but you know... he's able to do that with his ex-gf, but I'm not her. I want to say that all these months that we were together make up one huge lie. So whenever I find myself thinking of him and on him, I just remember that he isn't thinking of me and I must do the same. I'm just hurting myself and he could care less. All he wants is a quick, easy way out to be alone. He wants space and time, so he can have it.
Billy_Boy Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I think there is only 1 ex I am friends with who I feel I would always try to at least be friends with. We dated for 7 years though. All my other Exes, I dont really mess with at all, mostly NC, although I do hear from some of them from time to time. Nothing I really pursue. Before my 7 year LTR ex, I had a strict policy of NC ever again if it could be helped. I dont feel that way so much anymore. As for your scenario, that guy sounds like a dick, he could have as easily thrown away those old paintings, he wanted you to take them because he wanted you to refuse them, so he could let you know he was going to trash them, he wanted to provoke a hurtful reaction from you.
TheUnthoughtKnown Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I would tend to believe you can only be friends with your ex under certain circumstances. Those being a mutual break for valid reasons, or if he broke up with you for a valid reason, although if I'm honest no reason springs to mind right now. I think once you've been abandoned it's very difficult to accept that and move onwards to becoming friends. Mostly because you feel betrayed, and have lost the trust you no doubt once had in him. If he can hurt you like that once, who's to say he isn't capable of it in the form of friendship? At least that's what was running through my mind when my ex offered that thinly veiled guilt-admonisher of an olive branch. Also, you still harbour feelings for him and those feelings would inevitably counteract the amicable toddler-pool shallow friendship I'd imagine you'd need to accept in order to remain friendly. Like someone else said on this thread, give it time. And I mean years. To the point where there is so many other things going on in your life that you can't really make the time to care. Maybe you have a new love, a new job, a new car, who cares, but your life is stuck in-between your break up and a new beginning, and that's scary. Once you've moved past this time, and everything you go through now is a distant memory, if you still feel like you could benefit from his friendship, then you could try. Until then, contact will only hurt you, and hinder your progress towards getting over him. Trust me.
dng Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Like many have said on LS, you can be friends with your ex but it takes years. It takes a reason to need a new friend and zero feelings for the person but good memories. It takes you having changed and them having changed so much that when you see them again you would never consider dating them.
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