IfiKnewThen Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 need advise. dont know what i am up against here. dont know where to post this. i wrote to x today to ask him to ship my things back to me. hes over 1000 miles away. he just got married. he kept it all a secret (getting married) till i found out. long story short. he was always nice to me b4 breakup. he ended it. then he became cold , distant , secretive, passive aggressive...etc. he was generous to me in the past..out of his own doing and desire. he always told me you dont have to pay me back. i love you etc. i never borrowed money or anything. he paid for my land line phone bill for our calls. the phone wwasnt used for anything else. he paid for my cell. we didnt have dates so i appreciated these things. he used to pay 14.00 per month for my game too that he played with me. when he broke up all these things just ceased. i had to get rid of my phone...game...etc. i am disabled..he was helpful. i never took anything for granted. i tried not too anyway but i did accept his generosity. i did for him too. gifts...etc. ok so because i wanted to give back...i wanted to sell some things i had on ebay when we were together. i didnt have an ebay account. so i mailed my stuff to him and said he would sell things for me. 1 year later he didnt sell anything. i asked him why and he said he didnt like selling my kind of things on ebay. dolls..clothes...etc. he only liked selling his kind of things...boy toys...action figures...whatever. anyway i was really broke that year and said well if you dont want to sell them for yourself..i need the money can you sell them for me? finally he sold a bunch of stuff. in the end i didnt take the money i told him to keep it all. he did. there were still tons of stuff he had of mine. not all were dolls, there were letters he wrote me and pictures and stuff he stored for me. before he got married he wrote me a letter. and said..merry christmas happy new year forevermore. ( i knew something was wrong) was i not going to hear from him again? sounded strange. the letter also said he had all my dolls in his closet and all my stuff and he was going on vacation and wanted to mail one special doll back to me because he couldnt afford to mail it all back at this time...but wanted to mail the one particular one for now and wouldnt be able to mail the rest for a long time. i told him to keep the ONE doll he was suggesting mailing and sell it and get money for it. its a semi valuable doll. i had no idea he was getting married a week later. he lived with his mom. ok so heres my question/problem....i find out he got married. he was an idiot before hand and tried to make a pass at me on the phone 3 days before the wedding. (thats another story).....i let him know i found out he got married...found out on the internet. now in the meantime..before i knew he was getting married, i sent him this christmas package with gifts for him and his mom and dad... so when i found out, i said what did you do with my gift to you. he said he set it aside..at his moms. his parents bought a house for him and his bride. he didnt want his bride to see the package....sighs. so he left it at his moms. i was trying to be friends with him after the break up. i had NO iDEA about this marriage thing. innocent gifts inside too. a bible and inspirational bracelet for mom, t shirt for him and cd case for the dad. ok that was all back at christmas. so today i asked did he like the present. shot him an email at work. went thru a lot to get him this gift and no word. hes still on my buddy list but no word..and i didnt want to IM him. i also asked him to mail me my things and told him i would pay for all shipping costs...etc. he writes back to me and says he didnt open gift...still in sealed shipping box at his moms. (i am starting to seriously doubt this) i hope he didnt throw it away . i dont trust him anymore. have been burnt so bad and he got so sneaky..and paranoid..and weird. then he writes that he thought my stuff (things in his closet he stored for me)was to recupe money for HIM!! i said to him in email..you yourself said you were going to mail me my things. he was so sarcastic in the letter is a tidbit of it: "None of them were mine to keep to sell to make up money for? Just asking, cause I don’t remember, I thought some were, but doesn’t matter, you can have them all. There are tons of dolls in my closet… off the top of my head there are at least 5 I think. I don’t know what shipping will be, but I will get you quotes. The clothes you sent me to sell? Sweaters, etc? And do you want the letters and things you sent me that one time to safe keep? Im asking whats yours because of huge confusion on my part, because for some reason I thought you had given me most or certain things to sell to recupe money, but I guess I misunderstood, sorry. I do know which things are considered your stuff, and if I wasn’t given any of those to sell to recupe money then I will try to get these things organized in the next few weeks to get ready to ship" HOLY Crap!! it was like twisting his arm to get him to sell this stuff once before to get any money out of it for any of us. now he offered my things back to me via his email b4 getting married...wanting to empty his closets. at that time..he said he would mail things later on but would down the road. i am upset because he is passive aggressive and i hear the sarcasism. saying hes sorry he doesnt remember. but if you dont rememeber why are you saying it was to recupe money for YOU? geez. i was only trying to be nice back then. i want my dolls and things now. i dont see him on my buddy list now. what on G--ds green earth is he pissed off about??? hes married....has a house...a new son from his wifes 1st marriage. he didnt grieve like me or get dumped. i understand i wish i had been better to him while together. i have a disability and was cranky and under extreme stress in my life and he knew and siad he accpted that. ok he ended it. but why is he making me out to the bad guy about these items. does he think i took advantage of him? i didnt . why is he holding this grudge? i am trying to work with him. told him to keep the most expensive doll and told him to keep the dishes we bought on ebay for him and his wife now for their household. he knows i am without a job. homemaker mom. what is his beef? how do i get him to stop being angry and salvage any friendship. we used to pray together a lot. i am so sad about this. i just hate that he acts like i was a gold digger. so not who i am . he aLWAYS said everything was ok then i try to get money for him...then he lets stuff get dusty and i want it back and he offers now tries to make me feel bad. sighs.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 how do you edit title here? i meant to make it NEED ADVISE! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN
Minnie09 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Why on earth would you want to pursue a friendship with this man? I don't really care about whether or not he sells your stuff on eBay and who keeps the money. What baffles me is that he got married right after he broke up with you, lied to you about it by not mentioning it to you while you were still in touch, and you still want to keep him as a friend? You are smarter than that, come on. He's not trustworthy, doesn't respect you, hurts your feelings, even tries to have sex with you while he's (secretely) engaged to somebody else - and you want to keep him in your life as a "friend"? Friends don't treat friends like that. Cut your losses, get your stuff sent back, try to move on and grieve, if you have to. But don't get your hopes up that this person wants to / can be your friend in the future.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 hi minnie thanks for writing back and your good advise. what drives me crazy is he used to be usch a good friend for 10 whole years. i am so serious. i know he cant be a friend like that anymore since he is married...but i hoped for something to be salvaged. he was a good man who prayed with me and tried to help me during different periods in my life. the thing that keeps sticking out in my mind is when my mom had cancer and he drove to florida from texas to be there and be supportive. my mom had terrible bedsores from being in a hospital and she was in great agony. he held her in his arms so her backside wouldnt hit the bed (while waiting for help from nurses) and comforted her and prayed over her in english and spanish. he did a lot for me and my family. now is is serioulsy acting like a demon. just the opposite. it boggles my mind so much ..its like a mind screw. i have such mixed feelings. i get strong then cry. because my brain has mixed messages of seeing him as a person. i want the anger and hatred and disturust he acts like he has for me to go away ORRRRRRRR i want him to just see me as a person ..a fellow human being. he acts soooooooo righteous and evil now. its so disturbing. he seems like a cold disturbed *********. he knew what he was getting into with me and always said ok with it. anyway i feel like i have humbled myself to the core in life and i dont know how he cant tell and be normal now. he seems so angry ..i dont know why . so i am wondering why all the anger and thinking hes so entitled. and will this attitude go away.
Minnie09 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) Well, as a matter of fact he betrayed you at least at the end of your relationship. He deceived you. And I believe you when you say he treated your mother well and did good things for you, too. But when the relationship ended, he wasn't that nice anymore. So, for me this sounds like he wanted out, didn't want to be upfront about it, acted cowardly and found someone to get married to - behind your back. That makes you feel bad, but it most probably makes him feel guilty, too. And even though he doesn't want to admit it, he has those guilty feelings, because he knows that the way he ended it was inappropriate. Sometimes guilty feelings make people act mean, because they want to hide their guilt behind a mean wall. They don't want to take the blame and make you suffer even more. That's probably what happened to him. He wants to see himself as a good guy, he is religious, he prayed with you and so on. What he did in the end was something he would hold against somebody else. He can't hold it against himself. So he has to cover it up with sarcasm and mean attitudes. Tell him that you understand where he's coming from and then let him be. Edited January 13, 2011 by Minnie09
Author IfiKnewThen Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 minnie. i am real serious. you have a gift. (i personally creidt God for it). that was THE MOST INSIGHTFUL thing i have ever heard about this situation. as i was reading it...i thought ..to myself..this is IT. this is the answer. i bet he doesnt feel guilty and crushes it with a pompus blaming attitude. will he ever come to see this himself do you think? i will let him know i forgive him....i tried to do this before. but not in a blaming way myself. i know you cant say i forgive you it implies you the forgiver are blameless. so what do you think i can say to him. i want peace and to setle getting my stuff. but i want to see him on my buddy list again. it brought brought me comfort and he had it there all this time. i havent seen him there today. and i want him to stop blaming himself through dialog like i was to recupe money for him. still scratching my head....and so sad. thank you by the way. again ..your words hit home with me and spoke to me..as being so likely whats happening here.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 typo minnie ..i meant to say i bet he DOES feel guilty. sorry for my typos:o
Author IfiKnewThen Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 i meant i want him to stop blaming me thru his dialog..like i have to recupe money for HIM. darn disability, overtired...and being sad making me type worse than ever. i hope you can figure out what i am trying to say
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