Amira4210 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I found LS while in search of answer, advice...guidance on love. If any of you recall from my posts, I've never been in love (I don't think) and I was here bc I was in a relationship with the perfect man, the perfect scenario but with imperfect feelings for him. He loved me dearly, we started out as friends, he won me over at first sight and we carried on a LDR for about a year now. Throughout the relationship I struggled with how I felt.....I was such a confused mess, one day I loved him, the next I couldn't stand him. Some days I'd wake up happy that I've met the man of my dreams, others I'd wake depressed thinking I had to break things off. The thought of breaking up alone made me sick to my stomach. How can I leave him? How? He was my everything! He is perfect, the only person besides my family that I felt loved me unconditionally. Since its a LDR, it got very expensive and trust me I'd always bitch about him over spending on EVERYTHING. It really bothered me, neither one of us is high maintenance or used to a lavish lifestyle, but he tried to make our relationship that. It just got me wondering if he was just a moron with his money or he is making much more than I thought, or in other means. Anyway, he came to visit about 2 weeks. He hung out with my friends on friday night, on Saturday he hung out with my siblings, he was wonderful, they love him he is considered a member of our family. But again we argued bc he kept buying snacks and drinks and I wanted to pay for the bowling rounds. As the night went on, I decided that when I look at him, I don't feel the way that I want to feel about him, I don't feel the way he describes feeling about me. It was killing me to realize it. I felt so much guilt, thinking I was happy, but not happy enough to keep dragging this on and keep wasting him time, and most importantly his very hard earned money. I cried to myself, knowing I had to break up with the poor guy. The next morning I woke up at 5:00 a.m. more depressed than ever, I was hurting so badly knowing what I had to do. My stomach was in knots, I couldn't stop sobbing in the shower. I went to meet him at his room, he welcomed me with big open arms and a sweet smile, and it tore me apart on the inside. He wanted to have breakfast, I declined, saying we should just get coffee and talk in his room, bc I really couldn't stomach the food at the moment. He could tell something was wrong. We sat in bed talking about football.......but I was not there, he could tell. Suddenly he mutes the TV and says "why are you so miserable, why are you so unhappy with me?" The next couple of hours were spent with me sobbing uncontrollably as I told him that I cared for him so much, thanked him for all the wonderful memories, for all his hard work, for his dedication to our relationship. Told him I didn't want to lead him on any longer, I wasn't ready for marriage to him, that when he said his NY's resolution was for us to be together (marriage) my heart sunk into my stomach. I could see the pain and anger in his eyes, but he said I can't blame you for not loving me, thank you for being honest. He asked me a few questions to help me figure out why I was leaving him, and he concluded that "our hearts are there, in the right place, but obviously there is no physical attraction on your end, from my experience from my failed marriage, I can tell you that its a huge part of why I didn't love my wife, I wasn't attracted to her, don't stay with me bc you're going with the motions, bc you don't want to find someone new, stay with me bc you're in love with me and we are good to each other." Those words were daggers going through my heart. I hated hearing them bc I want sooo badly for this man to be the One for me. But he wasn't. For some reason, he just wasn't. I sobbed as if my best friend and lover had just died in front of my eyes. But what I hurt for the most was him. I hurt for him so badly, knowing how much he had and still loves me. The rest of the day was hell..........the rest of the week was ok. We texted daily, formally. I would call him in tears, apologizing over and over again about doing this to him, to us. He was great about it. But now the break up got extremely ugly when he saw that I commented on my friends wall on fb months ago, he used that to get himself really angry at me, bc i know thats the only way he can stand to be away from me. I am not miserable or sad as I was when I was 19 and got dumped really badly. I don't wake up with my heart in my stomach every morning, missing him, yearning for him. I am just afraid of being regretful, as I may never find a man like that again. Yesterday he called my mother to thank her for everything, and to let her know that this relationship was not a joke to him, he took me seriously and loved me deeply, but its a shame that it didn't work. I feel like that closed all doors on us getting back together. I don't know why I keep thinking that we will end up together, but I just have that feeling. Maybe its bc the relationship is still fresh to my heart and mind, but I don't think this is the end of us. Maybe we'll depart for a few months, I realize what I lost and beg for him back. Maybe I am a CP, but I've been going to counseling to make this work for us. I tried it for our sake. Am I in denial.....what is wrong with me? Why am I so emotionally numb when it comes to this man, and our break up.....could it be that it was just never meant to be to begin with? How could I rob myself of such a great future with such a man??? What have I done?
Keridan Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 You are a very strong person and I think you did the right thing. When I was younger, I had to make that choice once for very similar reasons. She didn't handle it as well as he did, but the feelings were the same for me. I went through most of what you are going through and I very much empathize. However, time did teach me that I did the right thing. As you must realize, you can't change that feeling. You wanted to and you couldn't. If you had stayed with him, it would have eventually turned into grass is greener syndrome. You would have hurt for what you might be missing for settling for a great guy you aren't in love with. He might have realized how you feel and been resentful or hurt anyway, but it would have been a long hurt. I give him a ton of points for how he handled it. That was very mature. However, the anger is necessary. It allows you to pull yourself away some. This man is deeply in love with you and, while his mind understands, his heart has nothing else. He needs to go through his range of emotions and settle in the end. He may even have to go no contact for quite some time. Don't punish yourself too much. It hurt, but you put it out there instead of letting the hurt last years. I'd rather get stabbed once with a knife then pricked every day with needles for the rest of my life. I'm sorry for what you are going through, though. I hope you can find some peace in realizing you were right. I wish you the best.
Author Amira4210 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Thank you so so much for your words of kindness and wisdom. I guess at this point what I am most afraid of is regret. I regret that I may have done this to myself, and may never be able to find this again. But you're right, I can't change those feelings, although I wished I could for months. Thank you again
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