smoochie Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Hi all, *I posted this on another thread but there are no one online there.* I have an ex that it took me 2-3 years to get over. We loved each other dearly but he was having serious problems that caused us to break up. He hurt me, I in turn hurt him. We stopped all contact for the first two years, then we started talking again and worked through all of our issues. We kept in touch and moved on with our lives, (he lives on one side of the country and I on the other). If we lived anywhere close to each other, we would have never left each other alone. So fast forward to last week. A month ago, we decided to see each other. I flew out there and WOW! It was fantastic!! I had no expectations when I flew out there and don't think he did either. We realized we still love each other very deeply. It wasn't a walk down memory lane or anything like that. We had already dealt with the past stuff years ago. He kept telling me he loved me and did not want me to leave. I didn't tell him I loved him still because I didn't want to go down that road knowing I am not moving out there. He really wanted me to verbalize what he already knew. I was shocked at how hard it was to leave each other at the airport. I told myself I wasnt going to contact him for a few weeks to clear my head and keep my feelings in check. He called me the day I got back home and said the same thing to me. He doesn't want to start worrying about me and what I am doing with other men. He has always been a jealous dude. But I understood wholeheartedly what he meant. He again asked me to relocate so we can be together. He said he was sad because he know he lost me due to his actions. He has since matured greatly and doing really well for himself. Am I crazy for still loving him? Is this odd? How often is it that being separated for years to still love that person? It wasn't like reminiscing on old times, it was more like we were made for each other. I know I sound sappy. lol Any insight?
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Am I crazy for still loving him? Is this odd? How often is it that being separated for years to still love that person? It wasn't like reminiscing on old times, it was more like we were made for each other. I know I sound sappy. lol Any insight? Sure. Not crazy. We love who we love. Not odd. Sounds like you and he have a connection. Not uncommon. My insight would be that he is still exhibiting selfish behaviors, one that he didn't come visit you and two that he used the emotions of the moment to once again convince you to 'relocate'. I don't see a healthy sense of progression or compromise. Perhaps charmingly, it's his way. Apparently, you kept mum on this topic but apparently feel the same way, that you're staying put. I see this as lack of bend on both sides. Acceptable, but not a healthy perspective for a LTR. So, while you and he apparently enjoy a great connection, inability and/or unwillingness to compromise leads to an irreconcilable incompatibility. You will remain where you are and he where he is. Acceptance is key
Author smoochie Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Wow, that was good! We just kinda agreed I would come out there, he would have no problem visiting me. But as far as him relocating here, where he is currently is better. I would go out there for 6 - 12 months to see how things go and keep my house here just in case. He would pay most of my bills there so it wouldn't cause me any financial issues while paying my mortgage here. Thanks for your insight!
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Yep, that's charming. I mean that without prejudice. Is it normal in your culture for a man to pay most of a woman's bills? I ask because, where I live, such men can be seen as 'collectors', paying for the attentions of those they seek out for whatever reason. It's called creating emotional indebtedness. Now, if your perspective was that you were proactively open to relocating and he didn't offer to pay your bills during such a trial, I could see it as more neutral. Also, in the interim, while you decide, frequent visits by him to your location, as he apparently has the means, would be indicative of balance and his intentions. If you had to name three significant issues that you 'worked through', what would they be?
Author smoochie Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 It's not emotional indebtness for us. It would simply be because I would not give up my house until I was 100% sure we were good and getting married. And its common here in the States for a guy to pay his woman's bills....don't ask why, just is. Three things he needed to change: maturity, possessiveness, and I don't have a third. lol He has DEFINITELY matured and that was a major reason for most of his issues. He is STILL possessive but I can handle that better than before. His growth has been great. I knew this by talking to him over the years. The major problem I can forsee is other women. Not sure where he is with that, simply because he has never told me about anyone he fell in love with except this one chick but she doesn't believe in God and he does (dont ask how they even got to first base with differences that large). But they broke up some years ago. So I would have to investigate that thoroughly. He KNOWS full well I don't do the cheating thing so I would have to be convinced he was mature enough for the relationship I need. And I don't think I would get that insight over the phone.
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Why do you foresee other women as an issue? If you were to move out for six to twelve months and he was paying your bills and you feel no emotional indebtedness and he's now mature and not possessive, how does other women factor in? He'll be with you, ostensibly completely on his terms. Any insight?
Author smoochie Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 No, he is still possessive. But I can live with that for the most part. And you're right, if I did go out there, he would most definitely be with me all the time. In our years apart, he had a kid and he really does alot for the kids mom. I know he isn't in love with her though....not if he can be so willingly to be with me again.
carhill Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Sorry I missed the update on the possessive part; it appears you are comfortable with that aspect. So, worst case, if you took a year off from your life where you are and went to live with him, what could happen? Say it went to hell; would that reality have long lasting effect on your life/career/aspirations/obligations/situation, etc.? Balance the pros and cons and then throw yourself into the decision you make. Lastly, no I don't think it's odd to feel like you do. Let's hope your situation turns out positively. I like to read good news
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