Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 months, happiest 4 months of my life, but it seems like now that we are very comfortable with each other and preparing to move in together that secrets are coming out.... When we met I asked him if he was "Single, married, divorced or kids?" and He said Divorced 2 Kids. So as time went on i dealt with the age difference and i absolutely love his kids. So with that being said, i had been talking to my mom about him and she said i think youve found your match, you compliment each other very well. My bf and I have talked about the possibility of getting married and starting a family, so when my mom told me that she thinks i had met my match i was extatic. Laying in bed that night we started talking about what my mom thought of him, and he said that he would propose right now if he could.... and i asked him what that ment, and thats when i found out that him and his ex arent actually legaly divorced, and they have no documented custody agreement... and I have gone through my own nasty custody battle and I would rather not go through it again. That was a major hurdle for me to take, and then last night for some reason we started talking about an ex lover, and he had told me that as soon as we became friends and were talking as just friends he deleted her out of his life, but a few weeks ago i may or may not have gone through his current phone and an old one.. which i know is wrong and i really wish that i hadnt... and she is still in both phones.. and i have asked the question if they slept together and he has always told me no, and then last night he said "fooled around a bit" i told him, either you did or you didnt, make up your mind and tell me the truth" which turnes out they were sleeping together... How do i get over him lying about things, I do love him, and I do want to be with him but im very hurt and im not quite sure what to do anymore... HELP!!
tigressA Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 He lied about being divorced. He lied about sleeping with an ex-lover and having deleted her from his life. Just for some clarity: When were they sleeping together? After they were broken up and you two started to talk? These are big red flags...you two need to sit down and talk with each other. Ask him why he felt he had to lie about these things. If being honest is important to you, tell him so. Let him know that you can't feel comfortable and able to trust him if he keeps secrets and lies like this, and that your trust in him has been damaged. Remember that you can't make him do anything, but you have the power to stay or go.
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 He says that he told me he was Seperated not legally divorced, and yah, after they had "broken up" and we were talking constantly. We half ass discussed it last night, and I asked him why he lied about sleeping with her and he told me, bc he didnt think it mattered, bc she doesnt matter... but still it hurts, and yes i understand that he is going to talk to his exwife, they have 2 kids together, so yes i understand that, and her i can deal with shes no big deal at all. His entire family doesnt really have anything nice to say about her, and they absolutely love me. his mom and i talk on the phone all the time. xwife im not worried about but it does make me angry how little we get to see the kids. but this other chick... it honestly makes me feel sick to my stomach... and i have told him that i cant trust him right now, but i do love him and would like to try and work things out but alot needs to change. I also told him that until divorce papers are filed that I wont move in with him, yes i understand him and his ex wife have been legally seperated for over 3 years, it still doesnt make them divorced, they do still own matremonial property together, but i dont think its fair to me to let him move into my house and and start a life with me when he isnt finished the last one.
tigressA Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 If he really, truly felt sleeping with his ex "didn't matter", then he should have just told you the truth. The explanation he gave you for that is complete BS. He gave sleeping with her, and her herself, meaning just by lying to you about what happened. I think you made a very wise decision in not moving in together until his divorce papers are filed. His action (or lack of) in this will show you how committed he is to you. If he really wants to start a life with you he will file those papers ASAP. Look at actions, don't just listen to words. I understand that you love him...but if I were in your situation, I wouldn't be able to tolerate the lies he's told so far. Those are some big ones. I would've been out the door. But if you're determined to have a happy, healthy relationship with him, then the decisions you've made so far are good. Hold to them, and pay attention to his actions and words--make sure they consistently match up.
tigressA Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 FYI, I have no experience with separated/divorced men or men with kids from prior relationships. I hope someone with that experience decides to chime in here with their perspective and some additional advice.
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 He did give her meaning by not telling me, and i called him on it. he told me that he didnt want to tell me bc I am younger and didnt think that i would understand. not gonna lie completely snapped.... ok yah i am younger than him but i am not a teenager... holy fackk.. and i dont think that my reaction was blown out of proportion.. he lied and even tho i already knew they had slept together, having him lie to me about it is what pissed me off.
tigressA Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 He did give her meaning by not telling me, and i called him on it. he told me that he didnt want to tell me bc I am younger and didnt think that i would understand. not gonna lie completely snapped.... ok yah i am younger than him but i am not a teenager... holy fackk.. and i dont think that my reaction was blown out of proportion.. he lied and even tho i already knew they had slept together, having him lie to me about it is what pissed me off. WTF? This guy sounds like a total ass. Was that the first time he's condescended to you like that because of your age? I bet money it won't be the last time...what else will he decide to keep from you because he feels you're "too young to understand"??
Author Sunkissedkate Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 We both joke around about him being older than me.. hes only 26 and im 21.. really not even an age differnce at all... but yeah this ws the first time, and thats what i asked... and he said there was nothing else but i dont know its going to need so major monitoring for a while..
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