dng Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I see alot of people doing this. I'm willing to try anything to get over this and get myself back. So this new NC round started at 8am today. I sent her an email to tell her some of the stuff I felt was left unsaid. I want to make sure I've told her everything there was on my mind, I don't want to play games with her, that's the way I am. I finished off by saying I was entering this new phase of my life with still love in my heart for her, but resolved to move on and that with time, the anger and all the feelings would slowly fade away. Now I will post here whatever I want to tell her, instead of telling her. I've done NC for 30+ days before, not much by alot of people's standards but I was proud of it. After 9 years its hard to understand we both have changed since we've been apart. I know its over, I accept it. I'm moving on.
Author dng Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 I realize its alot harder when I write to her or when she writes to me. I feel paralyzed right now. I can hardly move around. Fortunately, I also know that now it doesn't take me too long to get over it. Tomorrow or even tonight I'll already feel alot better.
KYoung2200 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Just hang in there man, you'll be fine. You know this though. It's just really really rough. Maybe because you've done it before, you will heal faster. You never know; just chin up.
Author dng Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 I will heal and I will get over it, I know that. It just seemed we were perfect for each other and I feel like we never got a chance, but it isn't true. We had 3 chances over 9 years and both messed it up. She blamed everything on me and I took it to heart but now I'm realizing that its also her fault. She's hard to deal with. She needs to be directed but not controlled, she needs you to decide for her but blames you for deciding everything and tons of little things like that. She needed me to keep her together and when she left she fell apart, but is that even true or just a way to let me softly... Time will heal me.
Author dng Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 I lost sight of something important, too, after the break up. I never stopped loving her but I knew we were coming to an end. She had her own reasons, but mine are as valid. I wish it would have happened differently, but really is there any good way of ending a relationship when both parties are still very much in love?
cerridwen Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Is it okay to post questions on a person's NC log? Perhaps you've even answered this somewhere in your other posts and I missed it. Dng, I agree with WTRanger that you participate in the dysfunction of the relationship but I'm struck by just how erratic her behavior is. Has this always been the case? If so, how could you ever have established deep love bonds?
Author dng Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 I was more asking it to myself but I welcome your participation. Yeah I've been feeding some of that fire for sure. My resolve is really strong to ignore her this time. I will come here and y'all will knock some sense in me. She's always been difficult yeah. It was love at first sight for us, 9 years ago. Instant attraction. Her behavior has always been erratic, with better and worst periods. She always blamed it on me and I always took the self-estime hit. Sometimes fought back, sometimes not. I was a handful too I'm sure.
Author dng Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 The most difficult thing with her for me was that I never knew if she meant what she said or not. She would commit to something but then I was never sure if she'd change her mind at the last minute or not. What I've been seeing lately is an exagerated version of that where now she always bails at the last minute. I should have left her years ago. In fact, I did. She came back crawling and cried her way back into my life but I never really believed in her again until some years later. I guess I have been complacent in staying in the situation for so long. I couldn't bare to live without her and she was the same, with all our faults. I'm going to seriously explore if we have both been co-dependant to each other.
Author dng Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Well, I guess I have to reset the counter, in a way. I haven't heard a thing since I got my new "girlfriend" 3 days ago and I feel good about that. Its the first time in 6 months where she leaves me alone completely. I feel bad about lying but as I've read on here, I have to do what's in my best interest. I don't want to lose sight of her forever, we had 9 years together and we really tried hard, just not at the same time. So I crafted an email for her this morning, outlining what our dreams together were, that they are over, that we have to grieve and respect each other's space and stay silent for a long time. I wrote that I wish we can be friends in the futur, but not before we are both over each other. I wished her happiness and luck and wrote that I know she feels the same about me. I told her that I will keep her blocked everywhere but email so in some time we can reconnect and start the last chapter of what we perhaps will share in the futur, a true friendship. I told her to start her new life because I had started mine. I know it'll be years in the making but we left each other in such chaos, I wanted to give her at least some of the closure I wish she gave me. I don't feel bad for it and I know her pride will keep her from contacting me this time around. The plan is working. All steam ahead to my new life.
Author dng Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 I realize that the reasons I feel like I do that is that the situation has been inverted. She left and I wanted her back. I stopped wanting her back and she wanted to come back. Wether she meant it or not, that's for her to know. But what that did is that now I really feel like I dumped her. Hence the giving her closure, going easy on her.. That's my style.
Confused4Now Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Well, I guess I have to reset the counter, in a way. I haven't heard a thing since I got my new "girlfriend" 3 days ago and I feel good about that. Its the first time in 6 months where she leaves me alone completely. I feel bad about lying but as I've read on here, I have to do what's in my best interest. I don't want to lose sight of her forever, we had 9 years together and we really tried hard, just not at the same time. So I crafted an email for her this morning, outlining what our dreams together were, that they are over, that we have to grieve and respect each other's space and stay silent for a long time. I wrote that I wish we can be friends in the futur, but not before we are both over each other. I wished her happiness and luck and wrote that I know she feels the same about me. I told her that I will keep her blocked everywhere but email so in some time we can reconnect and start the last chapter of what we perhaps will share in the futur, a true friendship. I told her to start her new life because I had started mine. I know it'll be years in the making but we left each other in such chaos, I wanted to give her at least some of the closure I wish she gave me. I don't feel bad for it and I know her pride will keep her from contacting me this time around. The plan is working. All steam ahead to my new life.Wow...9 years? All I can say is why would you want her as a friend? I'm sure your friends don't do what she's done to you. You don't need to send her a email. If she doesn't know by now then she'll never get it. Leave with dignity and respect. I had a situation like yours for 5 years. She was my best friend so I thought. We put these people on a pedestal. I'm sure it was a fantasy for you cause if you really look at it. People who really love each other would not stay in a toxic situation....one thing I learned is someone is going to get hurt if not everyone. Move forward with your life I see no reason to be friends down the road unless things change. I feel for you. I've been there myself.
Author dng Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Wow...9 years? All I can say is why would you want her as a friend? I'm sure your friends don't do what she's done to you. You don't need to send her a email. If she doesn't know by now then she'll never get it. Leave with dignity and respect. I had a situation like yours for 5 years. She was my best friend so I thought. We put these people on a pedestal. I'm sure it was a fantasy for you cause if you really look at it. People who really love each other would not stay in a toxic situation....one thing I learned is someone is going to get hurt if not everyone. Move forward with your life I see no reason to be friends down the road unless things change. I feel for you. I've been there myself. Wow, thank you. She's not on a pedestal. I really lost alot of respect for her during those 6 months of "I want you back" but she doesnt show up. I know she's always been a good friend to her friends but I don't think she can be a good girlfriend, at least not to me. The main problem is that I think she always tried hard to be someone else for me, someone that she wish she was, but isn't. She has some stupid friends too, immature girls that have never been in a relationship for more than 2 years. I'm not a victim or a martyr here. I think I've known for years she wasn't right for me but I was always hoping she would change because she kept telling me she would. I've been seeing a therapist ever since she left. At first it was for her, so I would be ready for when she came back. Eventually I realized it was for me. I'm exploring the reasons why I had such a hard time to let go of her. Everything she told me when she left, and everything she told me after that, was either a lie or a spur of the moment idea that she would never follow up on. I suppose that's what you mean when you say I put her on a pedestal, but I see a little immature girl that broke down into pieces and didn't do the right things to help herself get better and I no longer accept the responsability of keeping her together. I'm responsible, she's irresponsible. I'm reliable, she's unreliable. She was trying to be like me but couldn't because its not her nature. She put me on the pedestal and that's why she stayed all those years. With the way she looks, believe me she wont have a hard time finder another surrogate father and then the joke will be on him. I set myself free.
Confused4Now Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Wow, thank you. She's not on a pedestal. I really lost alot of respect for her during those 6 months of "I want you back" but she doesnt show up. I know she's always been a good friend to her friends but I don't think she can be a good girlfriend, at least not to me. The main problem is that I think she always tried hard to be someone else for me, someone that she wish she was, but isn't. She has some stupid friends too, immature girls that have never been in a relationship for more than 2 years. I'm not a victim or a martyr here. I think I've known for years she wasn't right for me but I was always hoping she would change because she kept telling me she would. I've been seeing a therapist ever since she left. At first it was for her, so I would be ready for when she came back. Eventually I realized it was for me. I'm exploring the reasons why I had such a hard time to let go of her. Everything she told me when she left, and everything she told me after that, was either a lie or a spur of the moment idea that she would never follow up on. I suppose that's what you mean when you say I put her on a pedestal, but I see a little immature girl that broke down into pieces and didn't do the right things to help herself get better and I no longer accept the responsability of keeping her together. I'm responsible, she's irresponsible. I'm reliable, she's unreliable. She was trying to be like me but couldn't because its not her nature. She put me on the pedestal and that's why she stayed all those years. With the way she looks, believe me she wont have a hard time finder another surrogate father and then the joke will be on him. I set myself free.She almost sounds narcissistic...You might be glad you finally let her go.....ugh
Author dng Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 A friend of mine just emailed me asking why she blocked him on facebook. Looks like I finally touched her and she finally got the message.
Author dng Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Amazing feeling tonight. It's finally sinking in how glad I am that this is over. How much work she was. How I loved at first that she was quiet and didn't whine - while she was boiling inside and completely unable to communicate her feelings. I had a long talk with a friend tonight and right now I can say I'm glad she left and I'm glad that even with all the pushing and pulling, she didn't come back. And I'm proud that I started saying NO in october. I wonder why it took me 6 months to realize this when other people realize it instantly or within weeks. I need to work on these issues.
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