Do you still have nostalgia/feelings for your Ex-AP ?

[anne1707]

But your post implied that the fWS must surely be in denial if they do not admit to still thinking of the AP

 

Just to add to the mix, I actually still work with the ex-OM so I see him every day. It did take me a long time to get where I am now but surely there must come a point for a healthy individual to stop living in the past. Doesn't that also apply to anybody whose relationship ends whether affair or not?

[Spark1111]

I think, based on what I have read, that the healthiest emotion to reach in an unrequieted relationship is not nostalgia or anger, but indifference.

 

Indifference is an acceptance of things past that will remain in the past.

 

Until one is able to reach indifference, all prospective new partners will pale in comparison to "the one that got away," and that truly diminishes one's future happiness.

 

They say the way to reach indifference is to remember the pain, the heartache, the issues that were not good and right and perfect in the relationship or in the SO.

 

Nostalgia is the rememberance of all the was good in the past. The key to reaching indifference is to really force oneself to remember what was not.

 

Hard to do, but that is the point of liberation from it and its hold on you.

[East7]

But your post implied that the fWS must surely be in denial if they do not admit to still thinking of the AP

 

No I didn't imply that. Denial is about minimizing the feelings and the importance of their involvement with the AP,denying that they fell for AP, shared love, passion and it was real.

I didn't imply they always keep thinking about AP.

 

 

Just to add to the mix, I actually still work with the ex-OM so I see him every day. It did take me a long time to get where I am now but surely there must come a point for a healthy individual to stop living in the past. Doesn't that also apply to anybody whose relationship ends whether affair or not?

 

Yes I agree, but nostalgia isn't a sick feeling. It doesn't mean living in the past. It is thinking once in a while with fondness of that person and smile...

 

It depends on people, I'm someone very nostalgic I guess, no one is perfect..

[Bittersweetie]

I don't think much about my AP anymore; he's just another person out there in the world. I also don't demonize or hate him, it's just wasting energy that could be used in a more positive manner. I fully admit that at the time, I liked him very much. However now I see I was a lot more invested in our short R than he was. So that colors the way I remember him now...it's not WS denial, but more like seeing him and how we interacted with clarity.

[anne1707]

No I didn't imply that. Denial is about minimizing the feelings and the importance of their involvement with the AP,denying that they fell for AP, shared love, passion and it was real.

I didn't imply they always keep thinking about AP.

 

 

The thread was asking about whether there were still feeilings/nostalgia for the ex-AP which was the basis for my initial post. Still having feelings/nostalgia is very different to having had feelings etc in the past. Still having feelings/nostalgia would tend to suggest still thinking about....

 

As far as I am concerned, me saying I now have no feelings is not denying/minimising what happened in the past. But why should I live in the past when I can live in the present and look forward to the future?

[fooled once]

I didn't even wonder about friendship. For me it was a big no-no since feelings were involved you can never go back. It never works.

 

I didn't judge your reaction. If you don't feel anything, fine..

 

That's what I call the "WS Denial", it is sooo easy to disparage a relationship once you are back to hubby and a good girl again

Even if I don't know your story, well, I guess you spend good moments with OM, shared pillow conversations, cuddles and passionate kisses and you enjoyed them...Now you put the good-girl glasses, you are like "yuck, how did I do that? "...Well it was you who fell for OM, no one else...Just admit it for what it was in the context. Imagine you were single, would you react now the same way? Probably not. It is all about guilt. Just because it was wrong, doesn't mean that you didn't felt anything. I bet you were heartbroken when OM stopped the A. Now you don't feel anything because now your H is probably filling the void that once drove you away.

 

Why the about what LD wrote? Was that necessary? She is entitled to her feelings and thoughts and just because you don't agree, doesn't diminish her feelings or views.

 

Quite frankly, I feel the same way as LD. I can't believe I allowed myself to be involved in what I was involved in. I can't believe I accepted being a mistress. I can't believe I thought "that" was love. I know what love is I see it and feel it every day when I look at my husband.

 

And you are making assumptions on someone else's life - Why are you telling LD what she felt or feels or what voids she may have? Are you in her life, participating in her daily thoughts and feelings? I thought you wanted views, yet you took her views and decided for yourself that they weren't accurate. Why?

 

I think that is a sweeping generalisation to say that a fWS is in denial because they say they did not know what they were doing or were in the fog etc. In fact I would say that it was when I was in the affair, that I was in denial.

 

I denied love,responsibility, accountability, respect, honesty, trustworthiness, truth. I am a much better person out of the affair than I was in the affair.

 

How do I feel about the ex-OM? Nothing much at all really. Why should I? That was the past and I have moved on.

 

Good post Anne.

[FightClub]

C'mon guys, this was a very good question for a thread, if anything was taken out of context or with malicious intent, I don't believe it was if anything I suppose it may come off as a bitter sounding for E7 to have said it that way.

 

But just as we have to learn to be understanding for BS, we should equally see that both WS/AP/OM/OW etc...all have a purpose and the views and opinions they express on this forum help those in need of information and perspective.

 

Perhaps I'm wrong but I just feel as though we should stay on topic with thread, it's got a lot of potential to open up posters about how their progress/feelings are currently.

 

Thank you.

 

-FC

[OpenBook]

I think, based on what I have read, that the healthiest emotion to reach in an unrequieted relationship is not nostalgia or anger, but indifference.

 

In that case, I will never be healthy.

 

Indifference is an acceptance of things past that will remain in the past.

 

I disagree. I'm actually relieved that it's in the past. And I hope it stays that way!! Don't ever want to go back there. But I am far from indifferent about it.

 

Until one is able to reach indifference, all prospective new partners will pale in comparison to "the one that got away," and that truly diminishes one's future happiness.

 

Prospective new partners, eh... I'm exhausted just thinking about it. So you may be right about them looking pale to me. But diminishing my future happiness?? I don't think so. Nostalgia, indifference, whatever - nothing is going to stand in the way of claiming my happiness now or in the future!

[East7]

Why the about what LD wrote? Was that necessary? She is entitled to her feelings and thoughts and just because you don't agree, doesn't diminish her feelings or views.

 

Quite frankly, I feel the same way as LD. I can't believe I allowed myself to be involved in what I was involved in. I can't believe I accepted being a mistress. I can't believe I thought "that" was love. I know what love is I see it and feel it every day when I look at my husband.

 

And you are making assumptions on someone else's life - Why are you telling LD what she felt or feels or what voids she may have? Are you in her life, participating in her daily thoughts and feelings? I thought you wanted views, yet you took her views and decided for yourself that they weren't accurate. Why?

.

 

 

Maybe I didn't express myself quite clearly. I admit it was somehow sarcastic but in a way that I thought understandable to everyone.

 

My point is : You might very well feel nothing for OM now, but please be honest and accept your feelings for what they were in that time !

There is nothing more hypocrit that saying : Yuck how did I do that with OM? How could I call it love ?

Come on girls, a long term A it not a one-night-stand. You kept a real relationship even if it wasn't official, it did exist !

 

FO - Now you love your husband, good for you. But if you called it "love" with OM, it was probably because it is how you felt at that time, it was love!

You xMWs had the luxury to keep 2 men and when back to hubby you are like "Hubby is the love of my life, I could never be with OM", but you did, OM was a kind of second husband becuase you shared with him things that you had no more shared with H.

 

It is all about choices. It is killing your feelings for OM and feeding them for your H.

 

I may sound harsh, but let me say : If one day you loved someone else and didn't give a damn about your M and your vows, you have never really loved your spouse ! Nor have you really loved your xOM. You didn't care much about your H feelings during the A, nor you cared about OM's feelings when you dumped him.

The only person you have constantly loved was yourself !

When xMW chose between me and H, the whole thing was not about love but what suited her best. What was the best, the most comfortable and the less risky direction to take for her, not for me or her H.

 

Sorry, I was somehow out of topic but I needed to say that...

Edited January 14, 2011 by East7

[secretlady76]

Maybe I didn't express myself quite clearly. I admit it was somehow sarcastic but in a way that I thought understandable to everyone.

 

My point is : You might very well feel nothing for OM now, but please be honest and accept your feelings for what they were in that time !

There is nothing more hypocrit that saying : Yuck how did I do that with OM? How could I call it love ?

Come on girls, a long term A it not a one-night-stand. You kept a real relationship even if it wasn't official, it did exist !

 

FO - Now you love your husband, good for you. But if you called it "love" with OM, it was probably because it is how you felt at that time, it was love!

You xMWs had the luxury to keep 2 men and when back to hubby you are like "Hubby is the love of my life, I could never be with OM", but you did, OM was a kind of second husband becuase you shared with him things that you had no more shared with H.

 

It is all about choices. It is killing your feelings for OM and feeding them for your H.

 

I may sound harsh, but let me say : If one day you loved someone else and didn't give a damn about your M and your vows, you have never really loved your spouse ! Nor have you really loved your xOM. You didn't care much about your H feelings during the A, nor you cared about OM's feelings when you dumped him.

The only person you have constantly loved was yourself !

When xMW chose between me and H, the whole thing was not about love but what suited her best. What was the best, the most comfortable and the less risky direction to take for her, not for me or her H.

 

Sorry, I was somehow out of topic but I needed to say that...

 

It seems that when any MW who have had affairs but now turn round and say 'yuck' or 'I never loved AP' or 'What the hell was I thinking', you seem to take it as a personal insult. It is as though you cannot bare the thought of your former MW thinking these things about you. Don't mean to be rude but she may now be thinking these things about you. Yes the affair happened, yes, she said she loved you, yes, she finished it because 'it was for the best' blah blah, but she is probably now thinking about things with a clearer head (it seems her head was pretty clear when she made her decision to finish with you) and she is moving on with her life, with her husband. Love or not, she didn't chose you so in a way, you need to accept it and move on. She has.

[Heather1]

East, I've been reading LD posts for a couple of years now. She's in the best spot she's ever been with this & I don't think your situations were the same.

 

I'm at the end of my A, he wants out but for some reason can't sever ties completely. I'm OK w/ that right now. I've tried NC several times & it just leads to a big ol reuinion (in my case) more intense than before. So I'm just letting it die a natural death w/out the longing & drama. My feelings for him were always more than his for me. The thing I miss the most is how it was before the A, and that I've lost a friend.

 

I spent a few days last week w/ my oldest son & asked about his friend, who's parents are getting divorced. He said the 3 kids all went into a depression, they won't speak to the Mom until she breaks up w/ OM. She chose the OM, and hasn't spoken to her kids for a year. The choice is not who you love more (OM or H), there's a lot more to it than that. My H & I grew up in the same town, same friends, families hang out, etc. I'd sacrifice a lot for a HUGE risk (& in my case, OM wouldn't take the risk either so that's out of the question). Just because I'm choosing my H doesn't make my feelings for OM less AT ALL.

 

The right thing isn't the easy thing. I'm glad you still have good feelings, I read a lot on here how men totally regret their A & it breaks my heart. I'm glad you posted that you don't. I'm also glad you're respecting her wishes not to break up her life. I know it's hard & totally sucks. She's hurting too...

[Confused4Now]

The right thing isn't the easy thing. I'm glad you still have good feelings, I read a lot on here how men totally regret their A & it breaks my heart. I'm glad you posted that you don't. I'm also glad you're respecting her wishes not to break up her life. I know it's hard & totally sucks. She's hurting too...

I'm a man who the right thing was for me to leave my abusive marriage. My wife was very verbally/emotionally abusive and it took me years to get out. My affair with my xMW was enough to get me thinking of what I wanted cause I was in love with her. So for me there was no regret in the affair. It help me get out of something I tried to get out of for years.

[East7]

It seems that when any MW who have had affairs but now turn round and say 'yuck' or 'I never loved AP' or 'What the hell was I thinking', you seem to take it as a personal insult. It is as though you cannot bare the thought of your former MW thinking these things about you. Don't mean to be rude but she may now be thinking these things about you. Yes the affair happened, yes, she said she loved you, yes, she finished it because 'it was for the best' blah blah, but she is probably now thinking about things with a clearer head (it seems her head was pretty clear when she made her decision to finish with you) and she is moving on with her life, with her husband. Love or not, she didn't chose you so in a way, you need to accept it and move on. She has.

 

 

You hit a nail, but fortunately my xMW never said she never loved me or "what was I doing?" she only regretted hurting and lying to her H. Last Christmas she said me she "still loves me" but "she loves her H and want to make it work"...Not easy to "translate" what she really feels and doesn't matter much now. I am not looking for comfort and consolation. She has made her choice and we are both moving on, that's a fact. In my case moving on doesn't mean rejecting what I feel for her. She is a part of my life that I will never see with regret or disregard.

 

East, I've been reading LD posts for a couple of years now. She's in the best spot she's ever been with this & I don't think your situations were the same.

 

I'm at the end of my A, he wants out but for some reason can't sever ties completely. I'm OK w/ that right now. I've tried NC several times & it just leads to a big ol reuinion (in my case) more intense than before. So I'm just letting it die a natural death w/out the longing & drama. My feelings for him were always more than his for me. The thing I miss the most is how it was before the A, and that I've lost a friend.

 

I spent a few days last week w/ my oldest son & asked about his friend, who's parents are getting divorced. He said the 3 kids all went into a depression, they won't speak to the Mom until she breaks up w/ OM. She chose the OM, and hasn't spoken to her kids for a year. The choice is not who you love more (OM or H), there's a lot more to it than that. My H & I grew up in the same town, same friends, families hang out, etc. I'd sacrifice a lot for a HUGE risk (& in my case, OM wouldn't take the risk either so that's out of the question). Just because I'm choosing my H doesn't make my feelings for OM less AT ALL.

 

The right thing isn't the easy thing. I'm glad you still have good feelings, I read a lot on here how men totally regret their A & it breaks my heart. I'm glad you posted that you don't. I'm also glad you're respecting her wishes not to break up her life. I know it's hard & totally sucks. She's hurting too...

 

There was no easy way out and xMW and I have talked a lot about how could be our life together if supposed she settled with me. Then when she came to reality and put in balance the risk and damage we could inflict around, she realized that the price to pay was too high, but I am glad she still seriously considered being with me.

 

I have been going through a lot of anger, rejection and bad feelings when she decided to stay with H, but with time I focused on what I learned and the person that she was, she never lied or made false promises, she was the most passionate R I have ever experienced, so yes I treasure what I felt for her and wish her peace and a good life.

Edited January 14, 2011 by East7

[confusedinkansas]

It seems that when any MW who have had affairs but now turn round and say 'yuck' or 'I never loved AP' or 'What the hell was I thinking'

 

I am a WS....AND....I can't believe that someone would say this about their EXAP & here's why......

You loved this person

You poured your heart & soul into this person

How can you actually look back at an affair & have that much disgust for that person.

Perhaps the act - like "I can't believe I did that" - but to feel that way about the person you shared intimate details with...............

Nah - I just don't get it. If someone is that good & can turn their feelings on & off like a switch - I almost feel sorry for the spouse they decided to stay with....cuz personally, I don't see life as THAT EASY - wish it were.

[ladydesigner]

Just wanted to say thanks to those who understood my post. East if you read some of my past posts I was terribly heartbroken when my XAP broke off the affair (my XAP had a long-term girlfriend whom he is still with, so he was cheating on her with me). I had nostalgia for a good year, hung onto his contact of being his "friend" like he had wanted. It hurt and it wasn't helping me or my M. Since going NC with him it has given me the clarity that I needed to see my A for what it was, see my H change and recommit, to myself recommitting to the M, moving on and forward in a sense. It has been a long road for me to get here. I just feel that in order for a M to reconcile you cannot be reminiscing about your XAP. I have finally gotten to that point, the point of indifference as Spark mentioned in her post (great post BTW Spark).

 

I hope you can understand what I am saying here. It might be different with your XMW. Each situation is different. I have been enjoying your thread. It offers a lot of different perspectives.

[thomasb]

I am a WS....AND....I can't believe that someone would say this about their EXAP & here's why......

You loved this person

You poured your heart & soul into this person

How can you actually look back at an affair & have that much disgust for that person.

Perhaps the act - like "I can't believe I did that" - but to feel that way about the person you shared intimate details with...............

Nah - I just don't get it. If someone is that good & can turn their feelings on & off like a switch - I almost feel sorry for the spouse they decided to stay with....cuz personally, I don't see life as THAT EASY - wish it were.

 

 

Sometimes you did not love AP. Sometimes you realize that you made the biggest mistake of your life and do look back on the affair as one of the lowest points in your life, and feel only disgust. I myself never felt love of any sort for the AP and certainly never expressed such to her...ever.

[silktricks]

I am a WS....AND....I can't believe that someone would say this about their EXAP & here's why......

You loved this person

You poured your heart & soul into this person

How can you actually look back at an affair & have that much disgust for that person.

Perhaps the act - like "I can't believe I did that" - but to feel that way about the person you shared intimate details with...............

Nah - I just don't get it. If someone is that good & can turn their feelings on & off like a switch - I almost feel sorry for the spouse they decided to stay with....cuz personally, I don't see life as THAT EASY - wish it were.

 

Sorry, but IMHO this is pretty much BS (and I don't mean betrayed spouse) . Forget for a moment the fact that the relationship had anything at all to do with infidelity, as that is not necessarily an element to the true WTF moment that many people experience.

 

I, for example, spent a number of years with a person who is now (thankfully) in my past. I truly can look back at that relationship and have thorough disgust for the man, and in fact whenever I do think of him "I can't believe I did that" is probably the most enduring thought that goes through my head.

 

The fact that at the time I loved him has NOTHING to do with the fact that it was the worst choice I've ever made with the most long lasting and devastating consequences to my life. I was stupid. It wasn't "affair fog" but it was definitely "relationship fog". The fact is that just because you "love" someone at one point in your life doesn't mean that you won't look back at that same person and situation later in your life with utmost disgust - usually more at yourself for being incredibly stupid than anything.

[BB07]

Sometimes you did not love AP. Sometimes you realize that you made the biggest mistake of your life and do look back on the affair as one of the lowest points in your life, and feel only disgust. I myself never felt love of any sort for the AP and certainly never expressed such to her...ever.

 

I'm curious about something thomas, do you feel and also I wonder how do others feel. Is a betrayal involving love or what someone thought at that time love, is that worse than a drunken roll in the hay?

I'm not asking in a mean spirited way, I'm genuinely curious.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry, but IMHO this is pretty much BS (and I don't mean betrayed spouse) . Forget for a moment the fact that the relationship had anything at all to do with infidelity, as that is not necessarily an element to the true WTF moment that many people experience.

 

I, for example, spent a number of years with a person who is now (thankfully) in my past. I truly can look back at that relationship and have thorough disgust for the man, and in fact whenever I do think of him "I can't believe I did that" is probably the most enduring thought that goes through my head.

 

The fact that at the time I loved him has NOTHING to do with the fact that it was the worst choice I've ever made with the most long lasting and devastating consequences to my life. I was stupid. It wasn't "affair fog" but it was definitely "relationship fog". The fact is that just because you "love" someone at one point in your life doesn't mean that you won't look back at that same person and situation later in your life with utmost disgust - usually more at yourself for being incredibly stupid than anything.

 

Silktricks you said it much better than I could

[East7]

 

I hope you can understand what I am saying here. It might be different with your XMW. Each situation is different. I have been enjoying your thread. It offers a lot of different perspectives.

 

I like better this 2nd post. It sounds more honest and objective.

 

What I notice from all the feedbacks is that the residual feelings depend a lot on A circumstances, whether OP was a liar, whether it was merely a revenge A, whether it was only sexual, whether the OP was single or married, whether OP was abusive...ect...

 

I still can hardly understand how some posters can feel disgust for a human being they once loved or even feel disgust for themselves but circumstances may justify it, for instance if they were with someone abusive, everything is understandable when you put it in the context.

[moloko]

Perhaps the act - like "I can't believe I did that" - but to feel that way about the person you shared intimate details with...............

Nah - I just don't get it. If someone is that good & can turn their feelings on & off like a switch - I almost feel sorry for the spouse they decided to stay with....cuz personally, I don't see life as THAT EASY - wish it were.

 

I sure as hell wouldn't want someone who has fond memories of their affair partner. I feel sorry for any betrayed spouse that stays with someone like that.

[aloneatnights]

altough i have nothing to do with my xm and havent for a while i know i will always be single now.

the feelings i had for him were the strongest i had for anybody. i regret the affair and will continue to do so. feels it ended with me at a disadvantage even though i finished it

[silverplanets]

This question is directed to either xAPs or xWSs.

 

Do you still have something left from the feelings you had for your xAP or maybe some nostalgia of happy moments, or at least some fondness or nothing at all...?

 

Personally, even-though I consider myself healed and moving on with my life, I still think of xMW everyday, I miss her and our conversations. Oddly my memory has wiped out all the hurt and heartbreak she caused me to focus on some special moments; I guess I'm a big nostalgic. I like to remember the way she made me feel as a lost heaven. The fact is that I have met other women but never felt the sparks I felt with xMW. I hate to think that there are billions of women on earth and only one makes the trick.

 

At the end isn't the A an unrequited love ? Dreams apart, bottom-line is the one who really loves you wouldn't stay married to someone else.

 

She does crop up in my thoughts, but these thoughts no longer have any impact on me and are, to be honest, just a couple of thoughts in a mind that throws me up a million other thoughts in the same day.

 

Do I wonder what she's doing? Well I know what she will be doing .. she'll be with her H, still genuinly feeling that the world is against her and still not able to even consider looking within herself for some of the answers. And perhaps more importantly for me, with the perspective of time, she won't be spending a single part of her time on actively helping any other human being - other than where the is self interest. It took me a long time so see this - that she talked a good talk about being a caring human being, but the reality was that she chose to spend zero time actually helping others.

 

I really do, nowdays, believe that apart from both being lonely (and horny :o:o) we probably had very little in common!

 

On the bit in bold, I'm going to take a leap in the dark and say that it's just not true. There are plenty more people out there who are capable of generating the same emotions in you ... and the best thing is most of those will be free to actually have a relationship with you.

 

I got to know someone over the past few months and I realised that being with them was just setting me alight, if you know what I mean. I've told them and they are already in a relationship so that's a no for me.

 

I had a wierd day yesterday when I was sat with them all day and realised how much I'd fallen for them but that it wasnt' going to go anywhere.

 

BUT .... I've thought it through and I'm ok with it ... precisely for the bit you mention in bold above .... I've realised that I CAN AND WILL meet people who I feel a connection with, and that so what in this case if it's not going to go anywhere .. the important thing is I've shared my feelings, been true to myself and opened my eyes to the fact that I can feel this way about someone.

 

I'm lucky because nearly all the things I am doing at the moment get me out and working with people ... and as soon as you do that then it's very hard not to find yourself sharing smiles and laugh's with them.

 

So what that this new person I've kinda fallen for is not available .. if I liked her enough to want to date then I'm not going to stop being her friend just because she's in a relationship or even just doesn't feel the same way about me.

 

But equally ... as she's not free then I'm not going to stop meeting new people and getting to know them as well ...

 

(probably I should point out that I've not been trying to date people .. .just concentrating on meeting people, doing positive things, having fun, being friends .. and I think that's been the key .. )

 

When I compare my life now to that when with xmw, then there is no comparison and I would never return to that position.

 

be safe

Chris