Do you still have nostalgia/feelings for your Ex-AP ?

[East7]

This question is directed to either xAPs or xWSs.

 

Do you still have something left from the feelings you had for your xAP or maybe some nostalgia of happy moments, or at least some fondness or nothing at all...?

 

Personally, even-though I consider myself healed and moving on with my life, I still think of xMW everyday, I miss her and our conversations. Oddly my memory has wiped out all the hurt and heartbreak she caused me to focus on some special moments; I guess I'm a big nostalgic. I like to remember the way she made me feel as a lost heaven. The fact is that I have met other women but never felt the sparks I felt with xMW. I hate to think that there are billions of women on earth and only one makes the trick.

 

At the end isn't the A an unrequited love ? Dreams apart, bottom-line is the one who really loves you wouldn't stay married to someone else.

[TigerCub]

I went through a time where I would think back to the good times and miss them a lot. I missed him a lot.

 

But upon accepting the fact that he's a compulsive liar and someone that uses people without remorse or stopping to think about what he's doing to them. I no longer miss anything I had with him, because I just don't think any of it was real. I was all based on a lie.

 

I think that if for a second I believe any of it was real, it would have value, and I would miss it.

But I don't think it was. I wished that it was, but that doesn't make it so...

 

As for your comment about forgetting the pain and only remembering the good things - that happens with "normal" breaks ups too. Sheessh, I hate that!! - oddly enough, it didn't apply too much in this case for me, because I eventually just saw it all as tainted. I saw it as one big lie...

 

but nothing lasts forever, and neither will your missing her...

[thomasb]

No only disgust and remorse. I rarely think about it any more unless I'm here. Events afterwards changed all the memories into just a sick feeling in my stomach from the thought of times spent even before the affair.

[East7]

Thanks for your input TC and TB.

 

TB, you are xWS, right ?

 

It appears naturally that what's left depends a lot on the honesty of the AP during the A.

 

If I am so indulgent and forgiving with xMW is also because she was always upfront, no false promises, never lied to me. She made the choice to give her M another chance and I respected that.

[half_ofa_heart]

Thanks for your input TC and TB.

 

TB, you are xWS, right ?

 

It appears naturally that what's left depends a lot on the honesty of the AP during the A.

 

If I am so indulgent and forgiving with xMW is also because she was always upfront, no false promises, never lied to me. She made the choice to give her M another chance and I respected that.

 

I totally agree with your comment above. Even though I'm back to square 1 (Day 2) of NC, I still believe he never lied to me. He never lead me to believe he was going to leave his wife. He admits that he is selfish and doesn't want to lose out on being with his kids everyday. I do believe he loves me but life isn't fair sometimes. I have always been the one to end it and it was always because I couldn't handle sharing him with his wife.

 

I can't imagine ever having ill feelings towards him - at least not at this stage. He was my best friend. We have had some wonderful conversations together that I will always remember fondly. He is trying to respect my wishes and stay away. I often ask myself... if we had never become physical, would we have been able to stay the good friends that we started out to be? I guess that's a question that I'll never know the answer to.

[thomasb]

Just because I am not lamenting and pulling out my hair in heartbreak over the mistake I made does not mean it still was not an affair. A horrible choice that hurt an awful lot of people

[ladydesigner]

This question is directed to either xAPs or xWSs.

 

Do you still have something left from the feelings you had for your xAP or maybe some nostalgia of happy moments, or at least some fondness or nothing at all...?

 

Personally, even-though I consider myself healed and moving on with my life, I still think of xMW everyday, I miss her and our conversations. Oddly my memory has wiped out all the hurt and heartbreak she caused me to focus on some special moments; I guess I'm a big nostalgic. I like to remember the way she made me feel as a lost heaven. The fact is that I have met other women but never felt the sparks I felt with xMW. I hate to think that there are billions of women on earth and only one makes the trick.

 

At the end isn't the A an unrequited love ? Dreams apart, bottom-line is the one who really loves you wouldn't stay married to someone else.

 

I do not have any feelings left for my XAP (XOM). I have a huge disgust for myself at the moment that I was weak enough to allow something like that to happen during my darkest times. My XOM was a co-worker and a good friend and I really wish we had never crossed that line. We would still be colleagues and networked through business and friends. It's a shame actually.

 

I used to blame him for ending the A, but I thank him now for that. All along I wanted my marriage and I wanted my M to be strong and filled with intimacy. I wanted my H. I am getting that now, but my H and I have been through a lot. I hope we stay this way. I am as they say where I want to be.

[East7]

I often ask myself... if we had never become physical, would we have been able to stay the good friends that we started out to be? I guess that's a question that I'll never know the answer to.

 

I didn't even wonder about friendship. For me it was a big no-no since feelings were involved you can never go back. It never works.

 

Just because I am not lamenting and pulling out my hair in heartbreak over the mistake I made does not mean it still was not an affair. A horrible choice that hurt an awful lot of people

 

I didn't judge your reaction. If you don't feel anything, fine..

 

I do not have any feelings left for my XAP (XOM). I have a huge disgust for myself at the moment that I was weak enough to allow something like that to happen during my darkest times. My XOM was a co-worker and a good friend and I really wish we had never crossed that line. We would still be colleagues and networked through business and friends. It's a shame actually.

 

I used to blame him for ending the A, but I thank him now for that. All along I wanted my marriage and I wanted my M to be strong and filled with intimacy. I wanted my H. I am getting that now, but my H and I have been through a lot. I hope we stay this way. I am as they say where I want to be.

 

That's what I call the "WS Denial", it is sooo easy to disparage a relationship once you are back to hubby and a good girl again

Even if I don't know your story, well, I guess you spend good moments with OM, shared pillow conversations, cuddles and passionate kisses and you enjoyed them...Now you put the good-girl glasses, you are like "yuck, how did I do that? "...Well it was you who fell for OM, no one else...Just admit it for what it was in the context. Imagine you were single, would you react now the same way? Probably not. It is all about guilt. Just because it was wrong, doesn't mean that you didn't felt anything. I bet you were heartbroken when OM stopped the A. Now you don't feel anything because now your H is probably filling the void that once drove you away.

[ladydesigner]

I didn't even wonder about friendship. For me it was a big no-no since feelings were involved you can never go back. It never works.

 

 

 

I didn't judge your reaction. If you don't feel anything, fine..

 

 

 

That's what I call the "WS Denial", it is sooo easy to disparage a relationship once you are back to hubby and a good girl again

Even if I don't know your story, well, I guess you spend good moments with OM, shared pillow conversations, cuddles and passionate kisses and you enjoyed them...Now you put the good-girl glasses, you are like "yuck, how did I do that? "...Well it was you who fell for OM, no one else...Just admit it for what it was in the context. Imagine you were single, would you react now the same way? Probably not. It is all about guilt. Just because it was wrong, doesn't mean that you didn't felt anything. I bet you were heartbroken when OM stopped the A. Now you don't feel anything because now your H is probably filling the void that once drove you away.

 

I am not sure what it is, denial, "affair fog" has lifted, it could be a number of things. My XOM had a crush on me way before i even took notice of him. He is someone I probably never would have looked at twice on the street. He is a very talented and smart guy and we worked together. We shared a clean friendship while I was encountering my H's A's. I confided in XOM. XOM pursued me, knowing that I was M. I ended up having a revenge affair and did not expect to develop feelings for the OM. Either way the A was wrong, I should have handled my M differently whether that should have meant leaving my husband or go to M counseling. I handled it completely wrong.

[pureinheart]

I totally agree with your comment above. Even though I'm back to square 1 (Day 2) of NC, I still believe he never lied to me. He never lead me to believe he was going to leave his wife. He admits that he is selfish and doesn't want to lose out on being with his kids everyday. I do believe he loves me but life isn't fair sometimes. I have always been the one to end it and it was always because I couldn't handle sharing him with his wife.

 

I can't imagine ever having ill feelings towards him - at least not at this stage. He was my best friend. We have had some wonderful conversations together that I will always remember fondly. He is trying to respect my wishes and stay away. I often ask myself... if we had never become physical, would we have been able to stay the good friends that we started out to be? I guess that's a question that I'll never know the answer to.

 

Your reply is really cool...

 

Even though I'm in strict NC, there is a battle within me...we were best friends more than anything. I hate that things turned out this way, although there is nothing "I" can do about that. He changed (or maybe not, possibly was showing his best face) and I can't change that. I can't change anything except me and move on.

 

We had a lot of good times, and it's hard, very hard to let go and let God.

 

I am plagued with anger one minute, and the next wondering why I am living this current nightmare. It was never meant to evolve into a normal relationship and I have to accept that.

 

Now that the "excitement" of the holidays are over, this is now the designated time to heal. I must remain real, not crawling into a cubby hole of hate and eminating that, or denial and eminating that...keep it real.

 

Thank you OP for allowing my rant, just keeping it real (for me as of this 5 min).

 

The ultimate goal is to look back and think, yes, I knew him once and I hope he's ok.

 

Many, many good times, he saved me life and tried to kill me at the same time. He was very confused and now I'm confused (my belief system specifically states not to make friends with an angry man, lest you learn his ways)...so in the future am putting possitive people in my life as iron sharpens iron.

 

East, a part of me is coming out and the other is still "there"...I am inbetween two worlds right now...I know that I know God has something totally fantastic for me. It was prophesied (many times BTW) that when I let go of exDM that the real deal would come forth...that was not meant to "demonise" exDM, it was meant to say we've been holding each other back, our time is done.

 

We are both independant control freaks...lol...too many in one household, you know? I went to Lynyrd Skynyrds last concert and the song "Freebird" has always resonated through my soul...I'm a young hippy BTW.

 

We are freebirds and it's time to fly...

[pureinheart]

That's what I call the "WS Denial", it is sooo easy to disparage a relationship once you are back to hubby and a good girl again

Even if I don't know your story, well, I guess you spend good moments with OM, shared pillow conversations, cuddles and passionate kisses and you enjoyed them...Now you put the good-girl glasses, you are like "yuck, how did I do that? "...Well it was you who fell for OM, no one else...Just admit it for what it was in the context. Imagine you were single, would you react now the same way? Probably not. It is all about guilt. Just because it was wrong, doesn't mean that you didn't felt anything. I bet you were heartbroken when OM stopped the A. Now you don't feel anything because now your H is probably filling the void that once drove you away.

 

East, I'm not sure about LD, as I noticed she responded...although I can totally relate to your response in general, and take it as my own.

 

I see the plight of the BS (and was a BS many times, although cancelled that out by being a WS), and even though I really have no guilt concerning the break up of exDM's M, I do realise that in some cases the BS has a mess to deal with. It is easy to see both sides.

 

On the same note, I think the BS has difficulty also because on one hand they want to be compassionate to OM/OW, although are provoked in a different way and find themselves at odds when they start to indentify with the OM/OW.

 

Interesting and thought provoking response East.

 

*disclaimer* am not really with it today so could have taken what you were communicating completely out of contect.

[pureinheart]

I am not sure what it is, denial, "affair fog" has lifted, it could be a number of things. My XOM had a crush on me way before i even took notice of him. He is someone I probably never would have looked at twice on the street. He is a very talented and smart guy and we worked together. We shared a clean friendship while I was encountering my H's A's. I confided in XOM. XOM pursued me, knowing that I was M. I ended up having a revenge affair and did not expect to develop feelings for the OM. Either way the A was wrong, I should have handled my M differently whether that should have meant leaving my husband or go to M counseling. I handled it completely wrong.

 

Yep, me too (((((((hugs LD)))))))

[East7]

 

Now that the "excitement" of the holidays are over, this is now the designated time to heal. I must remain real, not crawling into a cubby hole of hate and eminating that, or denial and eminating that...keep it real.

 

Thank you OP for allowing my rant, just keeping it real (for me as of this 5 min).

 

The ultimate goal is to look back and think, yes, I knew him once and I hope he's ok.

 

 

"The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say"

Time - Pink Floyd

 

East, a part of me is coming out and the other is still "there"...I am inbetween two worlds right now...I know that I know God has something totally fantastic for me. It was prophesied (many times BTW) that when I let go of exDM that the real deal would come forth...that was not meant to "demonise" exDM, it was meant to say we've been holding each other back, our time is done.

 

We are both independant control freaks...lol...too many in one household, you know? I went to Lynyrd Skynyrds last concert and the song "Freebird" has always resonated through my soul...I'm a young hippy BTW.

 

We are freebirds and it's time to fly...

 

Beautiful post pureinheart. thanks

[Heather1]

It probably depends on the ending?

 

East, I'm doing the same thing, respecting his wishes. I only think good things really, I wish we had met when we were single but that would have been impossible too (he's 8 years younger). He brought a lot to my life, and turned me on to the coolest hobby EVER. I would have never started it w/out him, or even thought about it, and I'm totally loving it.

 

IDK though, maybe he regrets it? All I think is wrong place, wrong time.

 

I'm in very LC now. Moving on....

[pureinheart]

It probably depends on the ending?

 

East, I'm doing the same thing, respecting his wishes. I only think good things really, I wish we had met when we were single but that would have been impossible too (he's 8 years younger). He brought a lot to my life, and turned me on to the coolest hobby EVER. I would have never started it w/out him, or even thought about it, and I'm totally loving it.

 

IDK though, maybe he regrets it? All I think is wrong place, wrong time.

 

I'm in very LC now. Moving on....

 

A lot of my R the man was younger, for a time I chose it to be that way because the younger guys were more fun...now I prefer them a bit older than me:)

[OpenBook]

Do you still have something left from the feelings you had for your xAP or maybe some nostalgia of happy moments, or at least some fondness or nothing at all...?

 

Yes. I recently started a thread about it... asking questions about those residual feelings. I realized that by focusing on those feelings, I'm feeding it - keeping it alive. (And here I am again, feeding it by responding to you! haha)

 

I have started to realize it's better to not indulge those feelings when they pop-up. Just ignore them. Don't do anything about them. Focus on other things. And hope & pray they'll fade into nothing over time.

 

Speaking for myself, of course.

[East7]

Yes. I recently started a thread about it... asking questions about those residual feelings. I realized that by focusing on those feelings, I'm feeding it - keeping it alive. (And here I am again, feeding it by responding to you! haha)

 

I have started to realize it's better to not indulge those feelings when they pop-up. Just ignore them. Don't do anything about them. Focus on other things. And hope & pray they'll fade into nothing over time.

 

Speaking for myself, of course.

 

Are you xWS or xAP/single AP? Sorry I don't think I have read your story.

 

Well, focusing on feelings, yes it feeds them more but I don't think when they pop-up it is voluntary.

 

I don't think about xMW when I am busy doing things, working etc or when I am with friends. I think of her mostly the evening when listening some music or taking a beer.

 

Talking in general, I also guess it happens when there is no new partner who becomes the object of attention. It is amazingly easy to forget when you date someone new, but even then something is left...there is always something left. I haven't forgotten a xGF I have deeply loved 10 years ago, I don't think of her anymore except very few times, but I know if I happened to run into her one day I would crush again.

 

I don't think that the concept of falling out of love is completely absolute. There is always something left unless you are crazy in love with your actual partner and anything experienced before seems meaningless.

Edited January 13, 2011 by East7

[PoshPrincess]

Yes. I recently started a thread about it... asking questions about those residual feelings. I realized that by focusing on those feelings, I'm feeding it - keeping it alive. (And here I am again, feeding it by responding to you! haha)

 

That is SO true. I think I do exactly the same. I still think about my XMM 5 years down the line, which is pretty scary! I do see him about occasionally and we always pass the time of day but over the last three months I have started to get a bit of clarity. I am married to a wonderful man now so there is no reason why I should have any feelings for XMM but I think sometimes that's the way things go with an A particularly when there is no closure.

 

After the A ended I thought MM was an amazing, noble man who was sacrificing his own happiness for the sake of his family. Now I just feel I was a gullible fool and he was either a player or a coward...or possibly both

 

He did make me feel like nobody had ever done before but at the end of the day he was never mine to have!

[JustAFlyOnTheWall]

I am thankful for this post and am enjoying reading the replies of the WS'.

 

I just found out that my husband recently looked at a picture of his former AP. It set all of my healing back 10 miles. He said pretty much the same thing you are all saying...he missed the "escape". Even though everything about the escape was a lie....

 

I have a hard time getting that. Is it the same as me looking at an old photo of my high school love and getting warm fuzzies?

 

Only difference is....HE WAS MARRIED when he was with her....

[East7]

Thanks to All for the inputs.

 

I realize how the perspective is different whether if is an xAP or a xWS talking. There are no strict rules but I notice that most of the time the WSs are in denial mode : it was just a fling, I don't know what I was doing, I wasn't myself, I was in fog, I was weak, I am ashamed,..etc (even when it lasted for many months, even years).

While xAP are more tolerant eventhough with some bitterness left, some fondness and missing the person they have known at the best times, not the actual one who ended up throwing them under the bus. As I said once to xMW "I don't miss you, I miss the person you used to be".

[anne1707]

I think that is a sweeping generalisation to say that a fWS is in denial because they say they did not know what they were doing or were in the fog etc. In fact I would say that it was when I was in the affair, that I was in denial.

 

I denied love,responsibility, accountability, respect, honesty, trustworthiness, truth. I am a much better person out of the affair than I was in the affair.

 

How do I feel about the ex-OM? Nothing much at all really. Why should I? That was the past and I have moved on.

[BB07]

I went through a time where I would think back to the good times and miss them a lot. I missed him a lot.

 

But upon accepting the fact that he's a compulsive liar and someone that uses people without remorse or stopping to think about what he's doing to them. I no longer miss anything I had with him, because I just don't think any of it was real. I was all based on a lie.

 

I think that if for a second I believe any of it was real, it would have value, and I would miss it.

But I don't think it was. I wished that it was, but that doesn't make it so...

 

As for your comment about forgetting the pain and only remembering the good things - that happens with "normal" breaks ups too. Sheessh, I hate that!! - oddly enough, it didn't apply too much in this case for me, because I eventually just saw it all as tainted. I saw it as one big lie...

 

but nothing lasts forever, and neither will your missing her...

 

 

I identify a lot with what Tiger Cub said. The parts in bold......get a OH YEAH from me.

Sometimes I feel as if the whole thing happened in The Twilight Zone.

[FightClub]

Oh, there's no doubt in my mind that I have nostalgia/feelings for my xMW, I consider her a long-distance friend who became more to me at the end of our friendship/relationship when we met up and spent time with each other.

 

The times we would spend talking about life, love, inspirations, hope, etc I will always cheerish and miss and having the opportunity to spend time with her in person was even more amazing because it allowed me to realize after a string of a bad relationships, this unintentional thing we both swept up into showed me I had more to offer and I'll always be thankful for meeting her.

 

It's the after effects, the occasional subconscious thoughts, the nightmares, the feeling of where things could have gone from that point on that haunt me but it's okay, I feel as though it's to be expected. We built our world together, our friendship and our romance and when it ended after we slept with each other, I'm just as responsible for it as she was and I'm learning to forgive myself and her everyday.

 

I will continue to atone for my part in the love I felt for her in the end and part of me knows deep down that for whatever reason, it had to happen in order for us to both move on to the next level of our lives.

 

I do believe she was a good person with good intentions and I respect her more for realizing she made a poor choice when we evolved past friends into lovers, I don't hold that against her and I wish her nothing but the best, I loved her enough to let go when she disappeared and I've tried not to look back ever since.

 

All I can do is work on myself, talk to people of experience, succeed in my life and hope for the future, I will find peace, regardless of where life takes me. To quote pureinheart when I first came here, ' Let Go and Let God' and that's what I've been doing.

 

East7, you have provided a lot of information and advice for me in my time here and I know whatever mistakes, things that happened in your past with xMW...it's okay man, you'll find further happiness as time goes on, always look for the brighter side of things, life has a way of surprising us when we least expect it.

 

-FC

Edited January 13, 2011 by FightClub

[woinlove]

Thanks to All for the inputs.

 

I realize how the perspective is different whether if is an xAP or a xWS talking. There are no strict rules but I notice that most of the time the WSs are in denial mode : it was just a fling, I don't know what I was doing, I wasn't myself, I was in fog, I was weak, I am ashamed,..etc (even when it lasted for many months, even years).

While xAP are more tolerant eventhough with some bitterness left, some fondness and missing the person they have known at the best times, not the actual one who ended up throwing them under the bus. As I said once to xMW "I don't miss you, I miss the person you used to be".

 

I don't think it is denial. It is different feelings. Most of the fWS who are posting did not decide to be with their APs, whereas it seems most APs posting wanted to be with their MM/MW. Even those APs who walk away, it is often because the MM/MW won't have an open R with them, preferring to stay married. If you heard from APs who dumped their MM/MW because they wanted to be with someone else instead, they'd likely sound more like the fWS who chose to stay their spouses.

[East7]

In fact I would say that it was when I was in the affair, that I was in denial.

 

I denied love,responsibility, accountability, respect, honesty, trustworthiness, truth. I am a much better person out of the affair than I was in the affair.

 

How do I feel about the ex-OM? Nothing much at all really. Why should I? That was the past and I have moved on.

 

The denial is placed differently depending which was the dominating relationship before and which is now.

 

Funny to hear what you say after 3 years A. You talk like it was a one-night-stand.

 

I don't assume this for you, but let me say when with AP, the WS are in denial about their spouse, blaming him, minimizing the marriage etc.

Now that you are happily reconciliated, of course OM seems far away and meaningless. In a triangle relationship, the attention and love to one partner is always in detriment of the other, so typical .

 

If you don't feel anything for OM now, fine! I just wanted a feedback from how people experience it.

Edited January 13, 2011 by East7