Distant78 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 email from here today: also please understand that i am sorry for everything. i wish this marriage worked out. i feel sad about it. i still wonder if i couldve been better. but i just can't feel this way any longer. please understand that OM has nothing to do with the decision for ending the marriage. please try and understand that. i know its hard and its upsetting. but i do care about you and your well being. and i want you to be happy. maybe we were just not good for each other but i know there will be someone out there better for you than me. i felt like i told u when we would fight and when i would tell you i don't like how you treated me a certain way ... that was enough for me ... but i guess not for you ... that is both of our faults ... and sorry it happened this way. i appreciate that you are willing to work on the marriage ... but my fear of our future is weights too heavily and i think that we have struggled/i have struggled for so long that a future will be the same. i don't want to have kids and be unhappy. and i don't want you to be with someone unhappy. you deserve a very happy/loving marriage/family. Please don't listen to her bullcrap. It's nothing but excuses for HER making HER OWN CHOICE to have an affair, and is trying to blameshift. Don't let her innocent front fool you. Please go take legal action against both OM and your wife, then go no-contact with her and file for divorce. She should not be kept out of the firefight because she's your wife. SHE'S the one who caused all of this pain and drama, now it's time for you to end it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IzzyB Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 I hear ya. Gotta stand up for us "good" girls ya know..lol Wow, i wish i was still a "good girl" so I would have a valid opinion. But lets look at this from the perspective of a BS - which i was in my last relationship: I did not go after his AP and I did not try to ruin his or her life. There was no point to it. If telling is out of pain and vindictiveness it isnt the right thing. If its to break up the fog and as one OP stated - help the Marital partner to get off the fence - then by all means, maybe it is the right thing to do. But many many people on this site, including former BS's (like me) have stated the same - check your intent before you take action. OP, Im sorry you are hurting. My comments earlier were in no way to make excuses for your wife's affair or to negate your pain at being betrayed. Please just work on you and focus on you. Hurting others doesnt make things right, it really doesnt. And when we are in extreme pain, its just not the right time to make any decisions. Give yourself some time to heal and you will still have your options open about whether or not you want to go after the AP. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Wow, i wish i was still a "good girl" so I would have a valid opinion. But lets look at this from the perspective of a BS - which i was in my last relationship: I did not go after his AP and I did not try to ruin his or her life. There was no point to it. If telling is out of pain and vindictiveness it isnt the right thing. If its to break up the fog and as one OP stated - help the Marital partner to get off the fence - then by all means, maybe it is the right thing to do. But many many people on this site, including former BS's (like me) have stated the same - check your intent before you take action. OP, Im sorry you are hurting. My comments earlier were in no way to make excuses for your wife's affair or to negate your pain at being betrayed. Please just work on you and focus on you. Hurting others doesnt make things right, it really doesnt. And when we are in extreme pain, its just not the right time to make any decisions. Give yourself some time to heal and you will still have your options open about whether or not you want to go after the AP. Good luck He has the legal right to go after him. OM knew what he was doing when he was messing with his wife and it's not like he's planning to kill the guy. He won't be able to heal unless he puts both of them in their places. Both of them caused this. I find it so funny that the BS is just supposed to be a good child while their WS treats them like crap continually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 Just wanted to be clear...My goal is to end the affair and try to repair the marriage. I will not be exposing to be vindictive or for vengeance. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Just wanted to be clear...My goal is to end the affair and try to repair the marriage. I will not be exposing to be vindictive or for vengeance. It's not about being vindictive it's about having self-respect and not letting people, especially your own wife, walk all over you. Look at how she's continually destroying this marriage and the hurtful things she says to you. Do you honestly think you want to continue to be with someone of this caliber for the rest of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 I honestly see this as an extremely bad decision, that she is in the "fog" and like a drug addict. She is a good, sweet, caring person at heart, she's just forgotten it at the time being. At least that's the view I'm taking now. Link to post Share on other sites
SleepingDog Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Dude, you have been screwed over. I've heard it all. The petty complaints about your behavior. The pathetic cliche "I want space". The lie "we only kissed". These are all huge warning signs of a full blown sexual affair. I wouldnt assume anything less, trust me, I have been there. Your desire to out them is natural and just. The only reason not to expose them is if you want to build a life together. Because the more people know, the worse it is. But is that is not an option - ffor the same reason, **** them. The two of them together conspired to screw you over. They have no leg to stand on and they know it. Revenge will make you feel better, despite what people may say. Expose them. No one likes a cheater. You'll hate OM no doubt. Well, no one likes a love rat. Expose him for the **** he is. Tell his parents, his boss, his colleagues, everyone. Make sure her parents know. They will still love her, but they will be mighty dissapointed in their little girl. Unless you actually beat her, are a drug addict or boozer, trust me, people will take your side. The things is, actions have consequences. Why should they get away with how they hurt you? The pain they have caused you will stay with you for the rest of your life. Trust me, I know., Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I honestly see this as an extremely bad decision, that she is in the "fog" and like a drug addict. She is a good, sweet, caring person at heart, she's just forgotten it at the time being. At least that's the view I'm taking now. She made significant vows to be there for you and you only, and to uphold the marriage faithfully. What is she doing right now? She not only broke those vows, but is conspiring with the dude that invaded your marriage to cover up their affair. That does not show a kind person with a sweet heart. Soon you will look back on how she has destroyed the marriage and you will be pissed. Link to post Share on other sites
Windsurf66 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 OP, Ignore her lies. Expose the OM all the way and as damaging as possible. Then do you what is gona happen? The OM will dump her and thats when she slowly and surely gets out of the fog.... Even if the marriage cannot be repaired, there is absolutely no loss for you to expose the OM who has played a part in ending your marriage. It is NOT true that the OM has nothing to do with her decision to end the marriage. The whore was building emotional intimacy and perhaps even physical, with that OM, instead of working on YOUR marriage. She was unhappy, she finds an OM, the OM who was eager to get his dick into her mouth will do anything to validate her thinking, and the result is, she decided to divorce. Simply truth Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 email from here today: also please understand that i am sorry for everything. i wish this marriage worked out. i feel sad about it. i still wonder if i couldve been better. but i just can't feel this way any longer. please understand that OM has nothing to do with the decision for ending the marriage. please try and understand that. i know its hard and its upsetting. but i do care about you and your well being. and i want you to be happy. maybe we were just not good for each other but i know there will be someone out there better for you than me. i felt like i told u when we would fight and when i would tell you i don't like how you treated me a certain way ... that was enough for me ... but i guess not for you ... that is both of our faults ... and sorry it happened this way. i appreciate that you are willing to work on the marriage ... but my fear of our future is weights too heavily and i think that we have struggled/i have struggled for so long that a future will be the same. i don't want to have kids and be unhappy. and i don't want you to be with someone unhappy. you deserve a very happy/loving marriage/family. Just wanted to be clear...My goal is to end the affair and try to repair the marriage. I will not be exposing to be vindictive or for vengeance. dude, open your eyes! she is totally DONE! walk away, have some self respect and move forward. she isn't coming back... the mere fact that you would want her to is terribly concerning. why would you want a wife that cheats? one that doesn't want you? you aren't addressing info people are trying to help with - you are only ignoring info that would help YOU... start helping yourself too! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 abc098 I am so sorry for you. Your wife will say almost anything right now to protect her lover. Her Lover is freaking out right now at the thought that any moment the ax is going to fall on his job. He is probably so afraid that he doesn't even want your wife anymore, especially if he is a married man. Your wife would probably feel like dying if her Lover lost his job because of her. There is a very slim chance that they will make it if he loses this job. She is not only thinking about her Lover she is trying to save her own face in front of him as well. Why hasn't she cared this much for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 I'm listening to your guys' advice. I know a lot of you are saying to bail on her...can't do it, not just yet at least...need to see what I can do for a little bit of time at least... Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I honestly see this as an extremely bad decision, that she is in the "fog" and like a drug addict. She is a good, sweet, caring person at heart, she's just forgotten it at the time being. At least that's the view I'm taking now. Then expose and ignore..... Keep conversations light, wish her well, get busy with you. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Truly, the more the walls go up between you and her, the more the two of them fortify together behind them. Exposing OM is not bailing on her, it is pulling her back to reality. She is an adult and adults accept the consequences for their actions. Furthermore, you aren't levelling the playing field. The fact that she thought she could have this affair and leave you behind in the dust while still protecting OM shows how much she has not accepted any responsibility. I get your trepidation on not wanting to cause any more damage, but truly as long as she has him and can protect him, you are not any closer to potentially getting your wife back. It isn't vengeance, it is consequences, the OM has them coming too. To protect your wife from the consequences of her own actions shows in fact that you have little faith in her to handle her own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 I have sent emails to their bosses, coworkers, and her close friends. Time to wait and see... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 Divorce papers slid under my door today...guess it's time to find a lawyer Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Good for you and if he is married tell her too.I am so sorry this happened to you.She sounds like she has some growing up to do.Most likely it wont work with the OM for one thing how would he ever trust her.She has done you a favor because you could have had children then found out.You deserve so much better their is woman out there that would never cheat on you and love you through the good and bad.I know you hurt but let her go she is loving all attention.I am glad you exposed her and him he knew she was married and he knew he could be exposed at work and he choice to take that chance.She does not deserve so much love from you and its time to let her be.Thats way she can have a normal relationship and thats when reality will set in for her.The Rose colored glasses will come off and She will regret this but you deserve better treat yourself well and don't think anything is wrong or better then you that is not the case she is just not loyal and cant see the way it really is.Be strong love yourself and be true to yourself.Big Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Divorce papers slid under my door today...guess it's time to find a lawyer Yes....it is. Sorry you have to go through this. Now is the time for you to take the high road and conduct yourself with dignity. You can never regret that. I wish you peace now and a happy fulfilled future. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Yes it is time and when its over you will be able to hold your head high and know you tried.She will have shame and always know she failed.In time this will not hurt and you will thank her for showing her true self think of this as a blessing in disguise and a new chapter in your life with better things to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Good with her serving you. You may not realize it now, but you'll be glad to be rid of someone like that. She's still trying to cover up her actions. Make sure you protect youself legally and financially and get some sleep and hit the gym. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 papers state that i have been guilty of extreme and repeated mental cruelty...that hurts...wish she had told me how much i was hurting her before all this... Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 papers state that i have been guilty of extreme and repeated mental cruelty...that hurts...wish she had told me how much i was hurting her before all this... Well, I do not know where you live. Obviously, it is not a no-default divorce state where everyone files under "irreconcilable differences." So, she had to file something. You could counterfile with adultery? Look, don't get sucked into making lawyer's wealthy with an adversarial stance. Of course she did not tell you. Cheaters are very poor communicators and wait around for someone to "rescue" them from their unhappiness. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why not make, insist? this whole process be as quick and easy as possible so you can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 papers state that i have been guilty of extreme and repeated mental cruelty...that hurts...wish she had told me how much i was hurting her before all this... Don't even worry about it. She's the one who's emotionally abusing you. Just make sure you're protected and try to make this end as fast as possible because you don't deserve someone who's going to put you through this. Eventually she will be very sad that she did this to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abc098 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 she's filing under irreconcilable but it also states the cruelty part in another section Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 She would have filed for divorce anyway even if you hadn't told. I can guarantee you everything is not happy in "wonderland" right now. You take care of yourself and you can vent here anytime. You just saved yourself months of wondering what she was going to do. At least now you can start some kind of healing process. Link to post Share on other sites
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