jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Last week I suggested she come over and I cook a nice meal for the two of us. She agreed. Today, she calls, and says, she thinks we're moving a bit too fast and wants to take it slower so we can get to know each other better. So she rather do dinner and a movie or something for the third date. I was upset, but kept my cool and agreed. Though, she said on the phone, I can sense you are upset. I said it is what it is. I will not force or try to coerce you to do something you do not want to do. We'll have fun regardless. Kinda bummed and surprised at the same time. Was she scared or something? I mean, I still have to go over to her place to pick her up. So, not seeing the difference here.
Author jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Just because I invited her over, does not mean I was expecting or looking for sex. I did not bring it up, but I assumed that was what she was thinking too. All I said, I was just going to make us a nice dinner, not looking for your hand in matrimony. Think she lost interest in me? If so, then why see me in the first place?
welikeincrowds Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 OceanGirl sounds right to me. Also, you're all over the place. I can't tell if you're injured or disappointed. You haven't been clear about your expectations. You were audibly upset -- ostensibly, but not necessarily, at her. Why? What did you feel you were owed? You should be mindful of the worst case scenario: that she thinks you're upset because she won't put out.
Confusedalways Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 She is not ready for sex. It's this. Regardless of your intent, she thought you were expecting it.
oaks Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 She is not ready for sex. Yes, this. Or just assume it's this. It's only the third date, which is way to fast for some people. If you're happy with her idea of going slower and getting to know her, then you just need more dates in neutral territory, or you might be able to do a daytime lunch date at your place (and ask her what time you need to get her home by, if you're driving).
Author jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 OceanGirl sounds right to me. Also, you're all over the place. I can't tell if you're injured or disappointed. You haven't been clear about your expectations. You were audibly upset -- ostensibly, but not necessarily, at her. Why? What did you feel you were owed? You should be mindful of the worst case scenario: that she thinks you're upset because she won't put out. I was upset as we set these plans up a week ago and I already purchased many of the foods I was making. I did not and was not expecting anything. I just wanted to cook for her as she's a seasoned cook too. When I first heard it, there was some silence on my part, but I saw no problem. She then said, you are pissed at me. I said, no I am not. I will not force you to do or go anywhere you do not want. We'll do something else, which we already decided. I moved away from the subject as fast as possible. I assumed it was cause of what some people think the third date rule is. However, I will stress, I wasn't expecting anything aside from cooking a nice meal, having good conversation and maybe watch a movie or something. There were no indiscretionary motives here. As I really like this one.
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 'I feel disappointed that this wonderful idea of cooking a meal together, something I've looked forward to all week and gathered supplies for, causes you to apparently feel we're 'moving too fast'. Why do you feel that way?'
Author jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 I did not want to push it, so I dropped it. Forcing someone to do something they are not comfortable with is never a good idea. Especially when you care for them. I am thinking, if I bring it up again, it could derail anything that we've been building back up since the last time we saw each other. Due to some family medical issues, we had to take a short break of seeing each other between the last time and this time. We've talked every few days, as well as texted and e-mailed. But my sister had labor issues with her new born, and I've been at the hospital with the rest of my family since then. I explained it to her and she understood and now we are picking up where we left off from two weeks ago. So, it was not a straight three weeks, it's more like five weeks that I've seen her. I just could not balance a new relationship while my sister and niece were in the hospital. Think I should talk about it with her Saturday?
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 IMO, a person who is not comfortable with open, honest and non-aggressive communication is not LTR material.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 99.9999...% of the time, a date at home implies sex.
Author jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 IMO, a person who is not comfortable with open, honest and non-aggressive communication is not LTR material. She's admitted that she's not the worlds best communicator, but she said she would work on that. Never asked her to, but she said she, for herself, has to work on that. Whereas I say whatever, good or bad, is on my mind. I do not like secrets, so I just say what's on my mind. To be honest, I was not going to ask her over until a couple more dates, but she seemed interested, so I switched our original 3rd date to this one, cause she seemed very excited to come over and try my cooking. So, I am confused.
Author jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 99.9999...% of the time, a date at home implies sex. Not to everyone, but if something happened naturally, I would not had stopped it. However, why would she first agree to it without second thought, then a few days later back out? It was not like it was a surprise.
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 'I'm confused. You seemed so excited about wanting to come over and cook together and now that is apparently 'moving to fast'. Why is that? Did I misunderstand?' TBH, you've heard one proactive disclaimer, e.g. 'She's admitted that she's not the worlds best communicator', so be mindful of it. People reveal themselves. Acceptance is key
Author jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 'I'm confused. You seemed so excited about wanting to come over and cook together and now that is apparently 'moving to fast'. Why is that? Did I misunderstand?' TBH, you've heard one proactive disclaimer, e.g. 'She's admitted that she's not the worlds best communicator', so be mindful of it. People reveal themselves. Acceptance is key I have no problem with that. I just wish she said it in the beginning. Cause now I am second guessing myself with her. Then she said, I would prefer to take our relationship slower and progress from there.
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 It's interesting that she could clearly and precisely communicate this: I would prefer to take our relationship slower and progress from there. How does that match up with her disclaimer?
Author jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 It's interesting that she could clearly and precisely communicate this: How does that match up with her disclaimer? Not sure what you mean. I know we're talking more and she's contacting me instead of me always contacting her. So I take that as a positive sign. She's in her mid 30's, so it is possible she's been burned by past relationships. I can see that could be her concern in moving too fast. Plus, I am sure she has been talking to her friends and family, so when she said, oh I am going over to Jimmy apt for dinner, that may had raised an eye-brow or two. It seems, many people think or thought that the desert was not a cake, but her body instead. Which, was not true. I was just progressing things to where I thought it should go. However, if she said no, or changed her mind, I would not force it. Nothing worse than having a woman pissed off or guilted into coming over. Been there before.
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I'm interested in clearer and more honest communication. It sounds like you are too. The central issue IMO isn't what her coming over on the third date 'means' or not, it's being compatible with communicating needs, wants and boundaries. Asking her 'why' she feels the way she does is an honest inquiry, not adversarial or manipulative. If she gets 'pissed off' or feels 'guilty', that's her perspective. It's all good information
Author jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 I'm interested in clearer and more honest communication. It sounds like you are too. The central issue IMO isn't what her coming over on the third date 'means' or not, it's being compatible with communicating needs, wants and boundaries. Asking her 'why' she feels the way she does is an honest inquiry, not adversarial or manipulative. If she gets 'pissed off' or feels 'guilty', that's her perspective. It's all good information Think that's a good way to start off the third date?
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 For me, yes. I've been through the marriage and divorce wringer and know exactly what I'm looking for. YMMV.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 'I'm confused. You seemed so excited about wanting to come over and cook together and now that is apparently 'moving to fast'. Why is that? Did I misunderstand?' TBH, you've heard one proactive disclaimer, e.g. 'She's admitted that she's not the worlds best communicator', so be mindful of it. People reveal themselves. Acceptance is key I thought you were referring to JIMBO as the bad communicator. So she called a week later and actually communicated her feelings toward moving to fast. He was PISSED at this and he lied to her about how he feels about it even though she knows exactly that he was pissed. Who's the worse communicator? JIMBO, dude, dating can't be planned to a "T" all the time. She wasn't comfortable with it but she still wants to see you, that's a good sign, just go with it bro. If you can't learn to be flexible then what can you really contribute to a LTR?
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 My quoted statements are examples of communication styles which the OP can use to facilitate open and honest communication. Men and women often *assume* too much from words. Asking questions clarifies things. I'll assume your comments are directed to the OP, since he's asking for advice.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 My quoted statements are examples of communication styles which the OP can use to facilitate open and honest communication. Men and women often *assume* too much from words. Asking questions clarifies things. I'll assume your comments are directed to the OP, since he's asking for advice. Well I quoted you, so the comments are directed at you. I guess I'm just surprised you're claiming she's the bad communicator when the dude just admitted he lied to her about how he felt about the situation.
Author jimbo Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Didn't lie. Told her I was surprised and disappointed, but it is okay. And it is okay. We changed the subject and were both laughing and giggling again. Just wish, if she was clearer, she could had said this when I suggested it. And I said this too. No one is perfect and neither can read each others minds. So I tell her exactly what I was thinking.
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 OP, the next time it happens and there will very likely be a next time, express your honest response and ask the simple question 'why', not in an accusatory manner but rather as pursuit of clarity. This also gives you opportunity to find common ground to communicate better yourself. In this case, I salute you. Changing one's mind is equal opportunity. Hope it works out
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