OceanGirl Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I worry that I do too much initiating/chasing. Guy that I had 1 date with recently has sent me few texts after the date and a phone call the next day. He asked me out for next weekend (both sat and sun) - although we didn't make firm plans at the time. Second day post-date I didn't hear from him at all. So on FB I liked one of his pictures taken with the new puppy. In turn, he liked "OceanGirl and <his name> are friends". Today (third day post date) I decided to initiate with a text (this morning). He responded right away and was really sweet and even remembered that I am moving house today so asked me about that. We made firmer plans about when to meet on Sat. He said he will call me tomorrow night to touch base. Ahh I hate uncertainty so much... Maybe I shouldn't have texted him today. I also have this feeling that he may not call me tomorrow Am I better off letting the guy do 100% of contacting in the early dating stages?
carhill Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Try this. Nail down specifics for the weekend date and let him call you to touch base. Trust that he has enough interest to both call you *and* not cancel/change the date. I would have made firm plans the first time the prospect was broached. Also, at this stage, calling and texting should be incidental to personal interaction. No need to melt the keyboard or burn down the phone. Press flesh
tigressA Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Everything is FINE. No worries, OG! He said he'll call, trust that he'll call. He's given you no reason so far to believe that he won't. I don't think what you've done as far as initiating contact is even close to being too much. You did what you felt like doing; that's good. And he responded in kind, that's even better.
musemaj11 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Not even my youngest teenage sister is like this ,,,
Ariadne Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 texts after the date Second day post-date I didn't hear from him initiate with a text... he will call me tomorrow night Hmm.. Too cool for you? Well, good luck, hope he calls.
refurb Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Ahh... the old "how much interest is too much" question. A few points: 1. Everyone is different. Some people like more, some less. 2. It's a cliff. More is better, until the point where it becomes a problem. I personally feel that either sex can benefit from being straightforward. If the first date goes well, I'll let her know during the date I want to see her again. Then next day I'll confirm the interest in another date and set something up. Once plans have been set, I won't contact again unless it's a few days in the future and just to confirm. Again, it's one of those things that, if the guy is into you, you've got a lot more leeway. RF
Ariadne Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Oh, And about your question. You were already chasing him when you sent him the text after the date that you had a great time and he said me too, and you are now getting desperate because he is not giving you your daily doses of talk like he got you used to and you started texting. He knows this. Instead, he is ditching the ball and postponing for tomorrow.
zengirl Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 In general, I think dating, especially early dating, should feel like a dance. I used to partner in ballet, so I always think of that in particular. The give and take of moving together. When you get a new partner, it's confusing: Will I be dropped? Could I get hurt? Will we move well together? Will he help me [dance] better? etc. Same ideas with dating, generally. Which is to say, it should feel both natural and strange, and that it should certainly not be one-sided. Ballet is interesting, though, because the man doesn't really lead. There are many partner dances where the man actually appears to do very little (he provides important support for the ballerina to complete the dance and actually does much). Other dances seem roughly equal. It all depends. Rarely does the woman appear to do less. So, taking that as my metaphor, I am perhaps more active in early relationships than other women. But everyone needs their own metaphor, I think, and mine might not work for everyone. In short: I don't care if the outside world notices that the man is chasing, or if he does so in outward signs, but I do notice if I feel "supported" and secure in my dance, and if I do, I will be obviously interested, active, and forward-moving in the relationship's progress. I will even do a lot of the "outer" work. But I have to feel that support. And it can't be faked. In your case: I worry that I do too much initiating/chasing. Guy that I had 1 date with recently has sent me few texts after the date and a phone call the next day. He asked me out for next weekend (both sat and sun) - although we didn't make firm plans at the time. This is excellent. Why not just wait for the weekend, if you're worried. But why be worried? He seems to be responding positively. He said he'll call tomorrow. Let him call. If he doesn't call, deal with that then. Worrying about it now means you deal with the negative even if it doesn't happen because it's already happened in your mind. That sounds completely unproductive to me. You need to learn to relax, OG. Pick apart anything enough, and you'll both unravel and create problems. Choose a path, make your own metaphor, figure out the rules that you can live by, and make adjustments if it doesn't work. There's no "right" answer that can be univerally applied to how much contact is too much, or how much is too little.
Star Gazer Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 In general, I think dating, especially early dating, should feel like a dance. I used to partner in ballet, so I always think of that in particular. The give and take of moving together. When you get a new partner, it's confusing: Will I be dropped? Could I get hurt? Will we move well together? Will he help me [dance] better? etc. Same ideas with dating, generally. Which is to say, it should feel both natural and strange, and that it should certainly not be one-sided. Ballet is interesting, though, because the man doesn't really lead. There are many partner dances where the man actually appears to do very little (he provides important support for the ballerina to complete the dance and actually does much). Other dances seem roughly equal. It all depends. Rarely does the woman appear to do less. So, taking that as my metaphor, I am perhaps more active in early relationships than other women. But everyone needs their own metaphor, I think, and mine might not work for everyone. In short: I don't care if the outside world notices that the man is chasing, or if he does so in outward signs, but I do notice if I feel "supported" and secure in my dance, and if I do, I will be obviously interested, active, and forward-moving in the relationship's progress. I will even do a lot of the "outer" work. But I have to feel that support. And it can't be faked. In your case: This is excellent. Why not just wait for the weekend, if you're worried. But why be worried? He seems to be responding positively. He said he'll call tomorrow. Let him call. If he doesn't call, deal with that then. Worrying about it now means you deal with the negative even if it doesn't happen because it's already happened in your mind. That sounds completely unproductive to me. You need to learn to relax, OG. Pick apart anything enough, and you'll both unravel and create problems. Choose a path, make your own metaphor, figure out the rules that you can live by, and make adjustments if it doesn't work. There's no "right" answer that can be univerally applied to how much contact is too much, or how much is too little. This is FANTASTIC advice. BTW, OG... your name may include the word, but you are not a GIRL as your title indicates. You're a 32-year old grown WOMAN.
Jazzari Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 In general, I think dating, especially early dating, should feel like a dance. I used to partner in ballet, so I always think of that in particular. The give and take of moving together. When you get a new partner, it's confusing: Will I be dropped? Could I get hurt? Will we move well together? Will he help me [dance] better? etc. Same ideas with dating, generally. Which is to say, it should feel both natural and strange, and that it should certainly not be one-sided. Ballet is interesting, though, because the man doesn't really lead. There are many partner dances where the man actually appears to do very little (he provides important support for the ballerina to complete the dance and actually does much). Other dances seem roughly equal. It all depends. Rarely does the woman appear to do less. So, taking that as my metaphor, I am perhaps more active in early relationships than other women. But everyone needs their own metaphor, I think, and mine might not work for everyone. In short: I don't care if the outside world notices that the man is chasing, or if he does so in outward signs, but I do notice if I feel "supported" and secure in my dance, and if I do, I will be obviously interested, active, and forward-moving in the relationship's progress. I will even do a lot of the "outer" work. But I have to feel that support. And it can't be faked. In your case: This is excellent. Why not just wait for the weekend, if you're worried. But why be worried? He seems to be responding positively. He said he'll call tomorrow. Let him call. If he doesn't call, deal with that then. Worrying about it now means you deal with the negative even if it doesn't happen because it's already happened in your mind. That sounds completely unproductive to me. You need to learn to relax, OG. Pick apart anything enough, and you'll both unravel and create problems. Choose a path, make your own metaphor, figure out the rules that you can live by, and make adjustments if it doesn't work. There's no "right" answer that can be univerally applied to how much contact is too much, or how much is too little. I love this post - great advice. And I love your dance metaphor. That works so well for me personally.
waynebrady Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 All the women on here will probably tell you that it's not ok to initiate anything as a woman ever in a relationship. But ehm your not gonna date women now are you, so look at what the men says about the matter. Some men like to "chase", alot of men do not like it at all... unlike women who would have you believe that 100% of all men like to chase and want the woman to play hard to get at all times, which is so not true.
oaks Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Am I better off letting the guy do 100% of contacting in the early dating stages? In my opinion, no. If you never initiate contact early on then he might think you aren't very interested (even if you respond every time he contacts you). You can still let him do most of the initiating if you like it that way, though. However, I try not to get sucked in to a "must contact her every day" mentality early on because it sets an expectation that I might always do that, and then when there's a day when I'm genuinely busy with work or family or friends or travel or another girl (!) whatever then suddenly there's a problem. There are also posts in recent threads about having too much contact between dates leaving not enough news to talk about on the next date and I think there's some sense in that.
Author OceanGirl Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Well, he did call today at around 5pm. I missed a call from him first and just when I was thinking if I should call him back (as he didn't leave a message) - he called me again. Anyway, he seems really interested in my life and asked me tons of questions. He told me how he finds me really interesting and pretty but then went into a spiel about how he is not superficial, it's just a bonus to be beautiful etc. I told him that I find him very cute and he giggled He asked if I wanted to meet up a bit earlier on Saturday than we planned (so that we can spend more time together) and confirmed that I am still up for lunch on Sunday as well. He said that he will call me tomorrow just to chat. Zengirl, I really liked your post about the dance Ariadne, your posts are pretty mean but whatevs. I don't think that I am really chasing him at this point.
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I love when guys ask lots of questions!! Great sign!! (As is the giggling...)
Ariadne Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Ariadne, your posts are pretty mean but whatevs. I don't think that I am really chasing him at this point. Sorry, it was not my intention. I'm always supportive of your stuff. Not so much chasing, more like the ball is in his court and you are after (as opposed to NYE guy etc). And also, what was that about "I'm not superficial"? Hmm Well, wishing you the very best with this guy, I can tell you really like him. And I hope he is not the "picky" type like those model look alike that want some bombshell (because they can get one).
Kamille Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) And I hope he is not the "picky" type like those model look alike that want some bombshell (because they can get one). Ah come on Ariadne! That is such a low blow! Well, he did call today at around 5pm. And doesn't that feel great? I totally agree with Zengirl: at the beginning of a relationship, I like to feel supported. If I don't feel supported, I'm likely to hold back on initiating contact, if only to gauge my date's interest level. I also hold dates accountable to their words. So if a guy says he will call on a certain day, I assume he is going to call on that day. He sets up a date for a certain day, he is responsible for setting it up and unless I hear something to the contrary from him, I will assume the date is still going on without needing confirmation. I also let the guy take the lead. Basically: he has to contact first and then I will respond 1:1. I might thank a guy for a great date, but I usually thank the guy for the date at the end of the date, so there's really no need for me to reinforce that with a text. Which, by the way, I avoid texting and emailing like the plague when getting to know a guy. I prefer to keep our interactions short, to the point and about setting up the dates. We can get to know each other in person, on the dates. Edited January 13, 2011 by Kamille
GivenUp0083 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 OCEANGIRL: I met a great woman online and not once was I confused or worried or second guessing anything at any point in our dating history. You know why? Because I just did what I felt like doing and didn't worry about consequences or what it would mean. I felt like talking to her so I called her, and because she liked me, she answered and talked. We made plans to see each other when we had time because we wanted to. She felt like asking me to spend new years with her and her friends despite only being on 2 dates with me so far because she wanted to spent NYE with me. I said yes and went with her because I wanted to, and I had an amazing time with her. She told me last night, in my bed, how much she loves that I'm open and honest with her and that she feels comfortable being able to talk to me, ask me, or tell me anything. Do you get the message I'm trying to send to you? None of what you're fretting over matters. JUST DO WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. If he doesn't like you because you initiated something, then he's a retard, but odds are he wasn't that into you in the first place and you saved yourself time. Otherwise, if he likes you, he'll be glad you took initiative and he'll be attracted to your boldness and ability to put yourself out there. I feel like you could be a great girl, but you dig yourself into a hole and guys can smell the insecurity off you, and they run. Try letting go of everything you've done in the past and just go with it. Do what you want, do what you feel like, do what makes you happy. You'll be surprised how you feel about it.
musemaj11 Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I'm asking other guys? Did it ever occur to u that u really liked a woman n u suddenly lost interest just because she contacted u? To me this just sounds like a logical fallacy. Its hard to grasp. If I were really into someone, I would be excited to hear from her. If I wouldn't, then its because I weren't that into her in the first place.
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