alex1960 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 In looking for web references on emotional affairs, I read about so many people risking their marriages for some dude they chat with on the Internet? I'm really upset at my wife but I can understand how people working closely together can develop a bond. But two people who never even met? Hard to believe. Do married folks really thrash their relationship for a total stranger? I don't mean to be judgmental but I would say they must be very sad and needy.
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Hint: If they don't meet, then it didn't happen. Easy way to play without definable consequences, presuming one's psychology matches up. Think of the levels of denial. There are many. Lots of room for gaslighting, too.
Author alex1960 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 I agree with the denial but how fun can it be to talk to someone you've never met? How promising can such a relationship be? I'm floored. Any realistic person will know that when people meet in person, it's a catastrophy in 99% of cases.
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 You might want to read Owl's old threads about his wife having an online affair with a fellow gamer. Pretty serious stuff. They recovered but it took a lot of time.
Lemontang Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I think some people find a sense of escapism from issues they aren't willing or prepared to deal with on the home front and as a result allow their imaginations to get the better of them. I know of a girl who broke up with her boyfriend for another guy she'd never met from overseas (he was in some heavy metal band, kinda well known in those circles), they spoke for months still after she broke up and when he came to visit needless to say the chemistry wasn't there.
daphne Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 A friend of mine's mother who had been married for 25+ years met a man online and left her husband for him. She had been having an emotional affair for a long time before meeting him. Personally, I think it's crazy, desperate stuff. There's no telling that some stranger will be any better for you than your current spouse. Most often, they aren't. But people do weird things.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I can't speak on having an Internet relationship concurrent with a meat space one. I can however say that having connections with others over the net for me has been a sort of agony and ecstasy "lite" and can be very affecting on one's life. I'm now down to one contact who has not thrown me any hard knocks since we started PMing and I'm pleased to touch up with her every day. We probably will never meet. But there is no history or tradition to turn to gauge what is right as far as being friends or "virtual lovers" through distance technology so we're all flying by the seat of our pants. It's up to both parties in an Internet relationship to keep it therapeutic at least and not get all crazy about it. I do expect that if I connect with someone IRL, the tone will change and the frequency will evolve to be appropriate.
Jazzari Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I agree with the denial but how fun can it be to talk to someone you've never met? How promising can such a relationship be? I'm floored. Any realistic person will know that when people meet in person, it's a catastrophy in 99% of cases.I've known people on the net for over 10 years and consider them my best friends. Yet we've never met. Some of them aren't even in the same country. This is a bit different since they are girlfriends and not romantic friends but the emotions are real. I met my current SO online. We talked for about 3 months before getting together. The emails were fun, flirty and informative. When we finally did meet, I felt like I already knew him and we were very comfortable from the word go. Best first date I've ever had and we've continued to see each other. I can't say how it will end up, but so far so good. So I can say that chatting with someone you don't know can be very fun and it can be very promising. I think online emotions and relationships are real. I consider it cheating if a spouse has an online affair even if they never meet.
Author alex1960 Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 If you're single and go online to get to know people and eventually meet them and see how it goes, I think that's perfectly fine. If you're married and go online for a quick release, I think that's somewhat acceptable. If you're married and you fall in love with someone you've never met and consider leaving your partner, that's crazy.
Jazzari Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I was admin on a forum that mostly catered to middle aged women. PM's were not private to staff. You would be amazing at the number of people sexting. And most were married. That's messed up.
january2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Well, online EA --> real life PA for my LTR ex, so YMMV, as Carhill would say.
Author alex1960 Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Well, online EA --> real life PA for my LTR ex, so YMMV, as Carhill would say. That's somewhat understandable as well. When you've met someone and develop feelings for them, whether you become physical or not, that's somewhat reasonable to me. I'm thinking specifically about all those situations where the cheater hasn't even met their lover.
seibert253 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 A friend of mine's mother who had been married for 25+ years met a man online and left her husband for him. She had been having an emotional affair for a long time before meeting him. Personally, I think it's crazy, desperate stuff. There's no telling that some stranger will be any better for you than your current spouse. Most often, they aren't. But people do weird things. Countless examples of this here. Just search and you'll find. My best friend's WW started chatting with an old BF on FB. They started emailing and texting. Next thing you know she borrows cash from her BFF to drive 8hrs for a "shopping trip" out of state. She spent two days boinking the OM, then came home. Was scheming on how to get her H kicked out of there house so her OM could come and "visit". Thankfully he took my advise, hacked into her email, and found all.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 In looking for web references on emotional affairs, I read about so many people risking their marriages for some dude they chat with on the Internet? I'm really upset at my wife but I can understand how people working closely together can develop a bond. But two people who never even met? Hard to believe. Do married folks really thrash their relationship for a total stranger? I don't mean to be judgmental but I would say they must be very sad and needy. Are we to piece this together on our own? Or should we guess the specifics of your story? The whole evolution is pretty easy to understand, and it begins right where most other marital problems begin... with YOU: In many cases men trot off to work leaving women at home raising children and having little or no adult interaction of any sort (nobody is chattering on personal phone calls in the next cubicle, no adults standing nearby on smoke breaks, etc.... just young minds who aren't very engaging yet). For those and other reasons communication between the two spouses breaks down (all too often because the guy doesn't have enough perception or common sense to fathom that his wife isn't knowing the same degree of adult mental interaction as he does all day long). He comes home, puts his feet up, demands that she go and fetch him a beer, and then they ignore one another for the rest of the evening. Eventually, since the wife is so often tethered to the kids all day, she discovers that her only means of adult interaction is via that box in the den. Once she gets there, she invariably needs a listener, and clearly there are millions of men all over the internet far more willing to listen to your wife than you are. For the wife, utilizing the same listener each day is far more productive than is spreading her tale among many different listeners (and having to restart the story each time), just for the sake of variety. (this is directly opposite how things are when you head out to a strip club, and variety is the spice of your life) So, there's your wife, telling her tale to one, steady online guy who is perfectly content when a woman is willing to be far more comfortable sharing anonymously with him than you ever allow her to be (IF and) when expressing herself to you. (in all fairness, of COURSE some of this results from her allowing herself to be more comfortable with the online guy, for having far less invested and at stake) Soooooooooooooo, because human psychology is what it is, this listener guy begins at 100% """perfect""", and only as he slowly reveals his random traits (where he leaves his socks, that he hates beets, that he once pulled a girl's hair in 3rd grade, etc.) does he sneak down toward being merely ""97% perfect"". (perhaps one's mind can only 'know' 2 or 3% of someone via the internet, but oh how said mind loves to paint perfection into the void) Humans love variety, and in human arenas """97% perfect""" is often more desirable than is """100% perfect""" merely for the variety that allows. At any rate, eventually it is a certainty that she's going to compare the """97% perfect""" guy online to the '70%-perfect' guy she married, and you don't need to be a senior at M.I.T. to do that math. Now maybe your wife is the C.E.O. of Hewlett Packard or something, and she doesn't have children, but the same details still apply, only for different reasons, most likely traceable right back to the same source.
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