Rose T Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 So, the news of our break-up is starting to feed through on the grape vine... Basically, my boyfriend and I were together for 4.5 years, together and living in the same city for 3.5 years, then he spent 9 months in South America for work last year, a really tough placement for him in which I supported him emotionally long-distance until he lost the job... Then he came back to our home town in July '10 and started a new job in September. I was really excited that we were back in the same city, living together again and moving forward but I guess he had emotionally detached somewhere along the line... By November, he had plunged into an affair with a co-worker from the new job (just 8 weeks into the new job) and raised the question of a break with me at the end of November - without telling me the real reason. At this point I snooped, found incriminating text messages and put two and two together... I threw him out at the start of December (the day I discovered the evidence - I insisted he left immediately). He called his boss from the new job and had to move all his belongings into the office because he had no where else to go. His boss agreed to rent him a flat she owns.... this is not the same woman as the co-worker - but basically his landlady is now his boss and his girlfriend is his colleague... healthy, huh?! Christmas and New Year were tough but meant a bit of a break from the usual routines... now I'm back and January's in full swing, mutual friends are starting to get in touch and invite me out for drinks or a chat. I hope they care about ME but I have a feeling they're fishing for gossip! What do I tell them? Seeing as he cheated, told many lies and showed zero respect I feel I've been fairly blameless and am appalled by his cheating and flakiness.... by all accounts he's now "with" the girl at work he cheated on me with.... sounds a nightmare too as there are only 7 of them in the office and he sits next to her! They're architects and work incredibly long hours - I'm comforting myself with the feeling that his new 'thing' won't be a walk in the park... Anway, I don't want to end up slagging him off to all and sundry in the rounds of seeing our mutual friends... Any advice?
Author Rose T Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 ...If any of you geniuses have also got words of wisdom on why his exit strategy won't make him happy I'm also happy to hear it! Just trying to be strong... day 17 of NC... Thanks LS!!
Duckduckgoose Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Keep in mind that when work relationships don't work out that you still have to see them everyday and it WILL put you through an emotional ringer unless one person switches jobs to get away from the other. Take it from someone who knows. He might just get some karma right back around to him if it doesn't work with this new chick.
coltsfan1 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I have experienced a very similar situation and the way I have handled it was that I just quit talking to people that I felt would betray my trust. If these people are at parties I am at I will speak and be pleasant but it goes no further than that, absolutely NO talk about the ex at all and DO NOT talk about yourself either. If you feel like you can't trust them then give them nothing. As far as your ex goes just leave him be, if your like me it is going to eat you alive to see him crash and burn. but it is his life to build or burn there is nothing you could do at this point to fix what wants to be broken. Just move on and in time you will be able to find someone new.
Keridan Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Wow ... I'm impressed with you. Good job on handling him! That is worth saying by itself. Many people would have suffered and tried to fix and everything else, but you held to your beliefs and did a great job of getting him out and NC right away. That is very healthy! For the mutual friends, I would suggest that you just don't bring it up and don't answer if they ask. A simple "I don't feel up to discussing it yet." will hold off any true friends. If they press, tell them you don't appreciate it. You have the right to keep your problems to yourself. Most likely, they know exactly what happened and don't need you to say anything. Change the subject or even leave if you have to. I will point out that mutual friends do make it hard to stay NC as they will give you info about him, whether or not you ask for it. You might even want to tell them that you really don't want any conversation about him unless it's necessary. You are a strong and cool person. I wish you the best!
melenkurion Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I've managed OK, somehow. He hasn't told most of our mutual friends he cheated, but they've worked it out I think. There was one exception, where I did end up slagging him off. Aaaargh. But she made it clear she'd worked out he'd cheated, and who with, and that she had no time for him anymore (she'd been cheated on once and it was such a painful thing for her). She'd been in hospital for surgery and my ex hadnt once asked how she was. So with that and the cheating he'd blown it with her. So, alas, a fair amount of anger came spewing out once the g&t got to work. But: in this case it won't get back to him, they are no longer in contact. It's wryly amusing. She's his old boss, she's given him jobs twice. With people who still want to be friends with both, I've tried not to talk about him. Just say beforehand if you think it's going to be tricky. I did have one wobbly moment where I wasn't wanting to talk about him and a mutual friend volunteered the fact he'd gotten into satanism. It freaked me out. Since then those same friends have never mentioned him.
melenkurion Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 My counsellor has told me to avoid asking about him from mutual friends. I've done that for months now. But also to go further and tell them I don't want to hear anything about him, or talk about him.
0hpenelope Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Anway, I don't want to end up slagging him off to all and sundry in the rounds of seeing our mutual friends... Any advice? Girl, you & I are too good for our loser exes. We are the wronged dumpees, but we're still the ones taking the high road in not wanting to badmouth them to mutual friends. In my case, I've done a lot of badmouthing to one mutual friend and want to stop because I don't want to keep strengthening my memories of him. I'm actually planning to not talk to those mutual friends or hear from them in a long time (well, 2 months is a long time to be absent from a friend's life). Casual text messaging is about as far as I'll go. They have no idea. It makes me sad. I'd deflect their questions. You don't owe them answers, but I'm sure you're grateful for their concern and you'll let them know how thankful you are. I'm sure once you tell them "I don't want to talk about him anymore," they'll understand. Since your guy cheated, let his actions speak for you instead.
Author Rose T Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Wow ... I'm impressed with you. Good job on handling him! That is worth saying by itself. Many people would have suffered and tried to fix and everything else, but you held to your beliefs and did a great job of getting him out and NC right away. That is very healthy! Thanks Keridan - you're so sweet! I have been in complete melt-down, but I felt I was so supportive last year... and he basically waltzes back home after I waited for him and gets into an affair in a couple of months... I felt so angry. He found a cool new job, working in an office with six women - was boasting about it, I hoped in a harmless way, but obviously it went to his head... I have to avoid thinking about it now. Cheating was always a deal-breaker for me but when it happens to you it still fries your brain... I still have to talk myself out of contacting him on a daily basis. I'm just hoping it gets better.
Author Rose T Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Thanks guys for getting my head straight here. I know the mutual friends thing is tricky, but I'm not living in my home country so I don't have loads of mates and I don't want to lose them all in one go... I think I know who's good to stay in touch with and who not, but you're right... I have to be really dignified here and just not discuss the situation at all. I've managed OK, somehow. He hasn't told most of our mutual friends he cheated, but they've worked it out I think. With people who still want to be friends with both, I've tried not to talk about him. Just say beforehand if you think it's going to be tricky. I did have one wobbly moment where I wasn't wanting to talk about him and a mutual friend volunteered the fact he'd gotten into satanism. It freaked me out. Since then those same friends have never mentioned him. I'm dying to go into the whole sordid story but I have to be classy, I think - talk about the weather instead...! Girl, you & I are too good for our loser exes. We are the wronged dumpees, but we're still the ones taking the high road in not wanting to badmouth them to mutual friends. In my case, I've done a lot of badmouthing to one mutual friend and want to stop because I don't want to keep strengthening my memories of him. I'm actually planning to not talk to those mutual friends or hear from them in a long time (well, 2 months is a long time to be absent from a friend's life). Casual text messaging is about as far as I'll go. They have no idea. It makes me sad. I'd deflect their questions. You don't owe them answers, but I'm sure you're grateful for their concern and you'll let them know how thankful you are. I'm sure once you tell them "I don't want to talk about him anymore," they'll understand. Since your guy cheated, let his actions speak for you instead. Tell me about it. I KNOW I'd get some sympathy because my ex handled the whole thing badly - he's pretty immature and an ego-monster when he wants to be, as all our mutual friends know. I'm pretty sure he's put out a sanitised version where he's telling everyone that we grew apart and he just got close to a new colleague, which showed that our relationship was at an end... I doubt he's admitted to the screwed up 'overlap' between me and her. I really have to be strong though and avoid going into the nitty gritty... and in any case I am going to choose with great care who I still want to see - there's only a couple of friends I will try and hang on to, if I see them making an effort. I already heard from someone who was practically buying popcorn for the front-row and wanted to sit me down and hear all the gory details... horrible. I stressed out a bit but I won't go there again.
Author Rose T Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Keep in mind that when work relationships don't work out that you still have to see them everyday and it WILL put you through an emotional ringer unless one person switches jobs to get away from the other. Take it from someone who knows. He might just get some karma right back around to him if it doesn't work with this new chick. I wanted to thank you for this bit of sanity! Trying not to obsess but the fact that he picked a girl at work to cheat with and ultimately get with - who was also attached, but dropped her guy for mine - makes me think that things are going to get claustrophobic / crazy in his shiny new situation in a few months. Of course, I can't wait around to find that out! It might take 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years for them to crash and burn... or never! So I have to think about good stuff and focus on me. I think if I can express any karmic hopes it's that I at least have a clear 2011 ahead which should hopefully be filled with healthy energy... I'm in the apartment I want to be in, we just moved offices at work today and I'm now in a different, cool quarter of town... I need to build up friends again but I'm going to have fun meeting new people. 2010 was really tough from a relationship perspective and my heart should only be in a better place this year... once I can get through the sadness.
melenkurion Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 The difficulty is that your best friends do often end up mutual friends, and it's all a bit mixed up. For example, some of "our" friends are people my ex knew from work ore wherever. But their spouses/partners have known me just as long as they did him, and we have our own friendships. They've been very clear in making this exact point. I've been lucky in that I think most of "our" friends really don't want to know the gory details. Inevitably a few found out because of the immediate fallout from D-day (he needed a place to live, I needed someone to look after our pets while I went off to cry for a week). In time though, the truth does have a habit of leaking out. I've told none of the mutual friends what exactly happened, apart from the person that outright guessed the whole thing.
melenkurion Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Of course, I can't wait around to find that out! It might take 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years for them to crash and burn... or never! I really need to heed that. My first post on LS was in fact wanting to know what chance they had of making their relationship work. I care less and less about their relationship, but I know that I still care far too much. Wasted energy. I guess time helps with that, and I think my counselling is starting to bear fruit in that area.
Author Rose T Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 I really need to heed that. My first post on LS was in fact wanting to know what chance they had of making their relationship work. I care less and less about their relationship, but I know that I still care far too much. Wasted energy. I guess time helps with that, and I think my counselling is starting to bear fruit in that area. I am really struggling with this... we all know that even good relationships can hit speed bumps, maybe six weeks in, 4 months in, 18 months maybe as the infatuation evolves / changes - hopefully growing into something calmer and stronger. From what you've written, Melenkurion, I think your ex and mine share some immature traits which made the transition out of infatuation into something more noble less stable and consistent... issues which may repeat in their future relationships. Still,we had to let that ship sail and we can't keep staring at an empty sea forever.
0hpenelope Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I am really struggling with this... we all know that even good relationships can hit speed bumps, maybe six weeks in, 4 months in, 18 months maybe as the infatuation evolves / changes - hopefully growing into something calmer and stronger. I agree. I pointed out all of those things to him during our last talk, that a lot of our issues just need time to work themselves out, but he still didn't want to be with me. I can't really do anything about it. From what you've written, Melenkurion, I think your ex and mine share some immature traits which made the transition out of infatuation into something more noble less stable and consistent... issues which may repeat in their future relationships. Still,we had to let that ship sail and we can't keep staring at an empty sea forever. I did ask our mutual friend if, in her opinion, I dated someone who's really immature and that I was too good for him and she said "Yes," to all questions. Again, she couldn't have gotten between us because it's not her place to. I suppose some people think that hearing these types of validations will somehow bring closure because someone who's close to the person is actually saying "Dude, he's not good enough for you. He's my friend, even I'm saying he's not worth your time. Don't dwell on him because he's not dwelling on you." Then I received my new task, which is to forgive myself for somehow "lowering" my standards for the first guy that paid attention to me after a horrible break-up. It's not about that, though: I wanted to give someone else a chance and I did. Unfortunately, I got left behind again. I know that the constant factor in every relationship is myself, so now I'm thinking "What's wrong with me that I'm getting left behind?" That's not a good thing to think about either, but I'd like to re-evaluate myself anyway. I realized I was even defending him - and another friend told me point-blank that if he was such a good boyfriend, then he wouldn't have left me. With that said, I'm really throwing myself into letting this guy go and moving on. I don't want to think of him anymore or remember him. I'm actually at the point where when I see or hear anything that reminds me of him, I can turn it away so I know I've made a lot of progress. I love LS for being an outlet, but I think that I've gotten to the point where it's slowing down my healing process whenever I log on. Logging on just makes me think of him and I do dislike wallowing. I want to start thinking positively and I'm going to take a break from LS again.
melenkurion Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 we all know that even good relationships can hit speed bumps I think in exactly that way, and I think to myself "this is effectively OG's first relationship, and he is in his 30s. And he has only started having relationships one year ago. He's only just out of the closet. He has serious issues with rejection. Not to mention sexual dysfunction. First bump in the road and my guess is it's over for them". But so what? I don't want to be second best to anyone. My ex chose to leave me, for someone with all that to deal with once the shine wears off? Fine. He's a childish idiot, IMNSHO. which made the transition out of infatuation into something more noble less stable and consistent... issues which may repeat in their future relationships. I guess I have said on one thread that the main reason he gave for not working things out was that he wanted "passion". By which he meant the sex-crazed early days we used to have (good times, I gotta admit). If that's what he wants out of life, good luck to him, I guess. I simply can't see him finding that for long (tbh he's actually no great shakes in the sack). I think half of the passion he felt from things with OG was the adrenaline-fueled craziness caused by all the sneaking around in their special super-secret club of two.
Author Rose T Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 I realized I was even defending him - and another friend told me point-blank that if he was such a good boyfriend, then he wouldn't have left me. With that said, I'm really throwing myself into letting this guy go and moving on. I don't want to think of him anymore or remember him. I'm actually at the point where when I see or hear anything that reminds me of him, I can turn it away so I know I've made a lot of progress. That is the bottom line that we really have to concentrate on when you feel a "soft-focus" memory coming on! If they're just not there... and you're crying all the time... what kind of a boyfriend is that? I too am getting really bored with thinking about him morning, noon and night... we got to know each other in this city, so I feel we're imprinted on it everywhere I go... those random memories keep floating up but I am fighting them! The irony is, we seemed strong when he was in South America last year and I was in Italy... now our offices are less than a mile apart, but he couldn't find the heart to make it work... something new and exciting was more appealing. I am doing stuff now to keep my mind off him and it feels good, although I feel set-back every time that I break down again. I love LS for being an outlet, but I think that I've gotten to the point where it's slowing down my healing process whenever I log on. Logging on just makes me think of him and I do dislike wallowing. I want to start thinking positively and I'm going to take a break from LS again. I know the feeling but I think bursts of LS are still healthy, in between your fabulous social life! I feel a bit better every time I post and in the absence of keeping a journal, it's nice to have some sense of my personal progress. I do think that reading stuff here over the last six weeks has been a bit like taking a Masters in Relationships - I'm dying to get out and meet some new men just so that I can practice my red-flag-spotting and test-drive my mature-and-open-to-commitment-maybe-he's-a-keeper barometer!! If only I'd been on here when my last relationship was giving off tell-tale signs of trouble - lesson learned!
0hpenelope Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 (edited) I am doing stuff now to keep my mind off him and it feels good, although I feel set-back every time that I break down again. It's okay to cry it all out, as long as you get all of that out of your system. It's still relatively new, but if you find yourself still crying as much as you did during the early stages of the break-up, then perhaps finding professional help will be a good choice. I had to do that once. Not crazy, but the counselor really cared about my well-being. It helped me so much and I applied the things I learned about myself in those sessions in this break-up: I don't have a problem with being alone, but I do struggle with changes when I'm left behind. Set-back? It's okay, too. Just pick yourself up again and keep moving forward. I'm feeling pretty good today and I will feel just as good, if not better, tomorrow. I'll keep going and going and going until he's a distant memory and I will not recognize his voice if I ever hear it again. I do think that reading stuff here over the last six weeks has been a bit like taking a Masters in Relationships - I'm dying to get out and meet some new men just so that I can practice my red-flag-spotting and test-drive my mature-and-open-to-commitment-maybe-he's-a-keeper barometer!! If only I'd been on here when my last relationship was giving off tell-tale signs of trouble - lesson learned! You think so? I think we would've been "duped," either way. Though I guess, like you said, people had tell-tale signs in the relationships. Unfortunately for me, I didn't. I thought our disagreements were solvable through communication; nothing to indicate that a break-up was imminent. Oh well, his loss. Edited January 12, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author Rose T Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 You think so? I think we would've been "duped," either way. Though I guess, like you said, people had tell-tale signs in the relationships. Unfortunately for me, I didn't. I thought our disagreements were solvable through communication; nothing to indicate that a break-up was imminent. Oh well, his loss. You know, it's funny. Six weeks ago when we broke up it felt completely out of the blue - so shocking. I was committed to the relationship and communicating and felt that since we'd survived the LDR the rest would have been plain sailing. The more I've read on LS the last month and the more I think about it, though, it was clear that he was emotionally detaching, perhaps over the last six months. Although maybe I recognised this on some level even if I didn't have the right vocabulary to really identify it, I suppose I didn't see it as a real danger to our relationship... that knowledge could have been useful. Having said that... I wouldn't have played it any differently though, you're right. I tried to keep things together when I saw he had doubts but at the end of the day you can't pursuade someone to stay in a relationship with you as if you're a used-car salesman. I did my best and behaved well so I'm at peace with myself really.
Keridan Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I did my best and behaved well so I'm at peace with myself really. Again with the awesome points here, Rose T. There is only one thing you can control in a relationship. You. If you feel you did the best you could, then you should find great comfort in that. Also, I know that some of my harsher breakups were a little easier when I realized it wasn't my fault. This guy screwed up. The point above about him getting his just rewards is absolutely true. The trashy girl from his work is going to end up screwing him over somehow. It might be that one of your friends has a story you will very much enjoy hearing before too long In the end, you handled yourself like an absolute champ! He was king of the d-bags for a day. You get to walk away knowing that you can offer a rewarding, wonderful relationship to someone when you're ready. He will probably be offering something contagious to his next partner. I think you get to call yourself ahead on this one. I'm very sorry for what you are going through, but hold your head high. You've earned the right. It won't take so much effort when you've had a chance to heal.
Author Rose T Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Again with the awesome points here, Rose T. There is only one thing you can control in a relationship. You. If you feel you did the best you could, then you should find great comfort in that. Also, I know that some of my harsher breakups were a little easier when I realized it wasn't my fault. This guy screwed up. The point above about him getting his just rewards is absolutely true. The trashy girl from his work is going to end up screwing him over somehow. It might be that one of your friends has a story you will very much enjoy hearing before too long In the end, you handled yourself like an absolute champ! He was king of the d-bags for a day. You get to walk away knowing that you can offer a rewarding, wonderful relationship to someone when you're ready. He will probably be offering something contagious to his next partner. I think you get to call yourself ahead on this one. I'm very sorry for what you are going through, but hold your head high. You've earned the right. It won't take so much effort when you've had a chance to heal. Thanks Keridan... everything they say about the kindness of strangers is true! I'm really touched by the support I've found on LS and every day gets a little better. King of the d-bags lol!! Yeah, he thought he was the casanova of the office I guess but now he's got to deal with it every day... I think I will have a better chance than him of developing a healthy, good relationship with someone worthy in 2011.
melenkurion Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I think I will have a better chance than him of developing a healthy, good relationship with someone worthy in 2011. True dat. And more to the point, a far better chance of being an emotionally healthy person happy with herself. You're dealing with what's happened here, working out how to make yourself whole. He ain't.
Author Rose T Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 So he broke NC. I'm on day 18 of being strong.... funny how he got in touch when I'd finally found the guts to share my story on LS, huh? He had also broken NC in the past but it was so pathetic I just ignored it... he sent me a text just after midnight on New Year's Eve with a fairly standard greeting and well-wishing for 2011, signing off with "a hug". No thanks. Now he's followed up with an email. He's travelling with work (= out of his co-worker's clutches) so he said he thought of me... must remind him of when he had his permanent "back-up" on skype last year, huh? I know it's crumbs and I KNOW you're all going to tell me to stick to NC... and I will. It's heart-breaking, though - what an idiot he's been. If only he could have stopped himself from starting the stupid affair two months ago... I should feel vindicated but I just feel sad. Why do cheaters all follow the same, tragic trajectory? They all think they're so unique but it all comes down to the same old crap... Anyway, here's the email (translated from Italian, which is why it probably sounds a bit stilted... the message is the same..) Hi Rose T, how are you? I arrived in mauritius yesterday, I'll be here 3 weeks. As soon as I got here the most natural thing was for me to let you know, but then I realised that I couldn't do that any more. I know what I've lost with you, and I believe that I have lost / will miss it (translated word means both) forever. I hope your year started well, mine has been so-so... I probably deserve it though. I'm also writing to you to send you the email about (our pay-tv subscription) - how do we want to proceed? Bye, E
0hpenelope Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 He could've cut through all the BS and shortened it to this: I'm writing to you to send you the email about (our pay-tv subscription) - how do we want to proceed? Bye, E I'm sure you won't dignify the rest of his e-mail with a response. Even though your pain, it sounds like you are also a practical person. Seriously, what's the point??? He wants out, I'm so confused why he'll still string you along (for his ego, power, etc., I get it but it still doesn't make sense). As as example to the downside of being practical, just yesterday, I had to send $$ to my ex for stuff I owe him and I'm kicking myself because I have to break NC but it's something that I need done. I hope it's over after this, I don't want to get in touch with my ex ever again and I hope he keeps leaving me alone because that's what he wants for himself and now, it's what I want for myself, too.
Author Rose T Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 He could've cut through all the BS and shortened it to this: I'm sure you won't dignify the rest of his e-mail with a response. Even though your pain, it sounds like you are also a practical person. Seriously, what's the point??? He wants out, I'm so confused why he'll still string you along (for his ego, power, etc., I get it but it still doesn't make sense). As as example to the downside of being practical, just yesterday, I had to send $$ to my ex for stuff I owe him and I'm kicking myself because I have to break NC but it's something that I need done. I hope it's over after this, I don't want to get in touch with my ex ever again and I hope he keeps leaving me alone because that's what he wants for himself and now, it's what I want for myself, too. SO true, LOL! He suddenly decided to install pay-tv at my house in November (on a guilt trip) but the year's contract is in HIS name!! I have no intention of paying for it, although I applaud you for being responsible with old debts - in this case HE signed a year's contract, and like other commitments, sometimes you have to follow through, right? I think he probably is feeling sad on some level but it's all BS... I don't feel like I can believe a word he says any more. This BS email has actually given me new strength. No way I'm breaking NC and I've got cool stuff planned for tonight, tomorrow and Saturday. The weaker he is, the faster I heal.
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