Emme Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 "Thank you for telling me. I wish you all the best". That's what I would have said. Some people forget that there is a history between husbands and wives that cannot be broken. When they took their vows they knew in good times and in bad was for real. They have climbed many mountains together before a lover/lovers came along. No point in investing in a life that is not yours. He's out of your life... NEXT!
jj33 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Nissu I totally understand the outrage that you feel because he came back with nothing. I went through a similar phase. And when he repeatedly came back and then started messing with me, or I thought he was messing with me, I finally broke down and told on MM. Didnt tell W cuz she didnt care that would have only made me look foolish so I told people in his business who would care. I thought that they would care that he was messing me around because of the business relationship and because maybe they got lucky with me and the next one would cause real PUBLIC trouble for them professionally. Kind of like a wake up call for them to read him the riot act. It totally backfired on me. They are now wary of me (dont want to know their boys personal biz, they apparently tease the living daylights out of him and to my surprise he didnt care, he just took it as another sign of my luuuurve for him so ???? It was a lose lose .No one knew about the A when we were together and I outed us after the fact and got no peace from doing so. It created a long war which only ended a few months ago. If I had it to do over again I would not have told. I appreciate people saying the BS deserves to make an informed decision but I always think that if it comes from the OW its a tainted message. First she may not believe you and it comes across as sour grapes. Second, as to motive if you tell yourself oh I feel so guilty the question as is sometimes asked here is so how guilty were you feeling when you were doing her H? I can understand you wanting him to suffer. Its a phase. If you really loved him, you will get over that. You will move on. Living well really is the best revenge. And in time if you really loved him and this isnt just ego, you will be happy for him that he was able to repair his marriage (if he is). Sometimes people need to be told no. And its in your interest to tell them no if you have set boundaries and they are crossing them. Hold out for what you want. If hes not the guy, there will be someone even better for you, as much as it may not feel like that now.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 MM and BS are still together. What happened? Who knows? All I know is that my girlfriend is still pissed off at BS' reaction and it has been over 2 months now!! Why is she pissed off? Was she hoping by exposing the A, they would break up and she'd get MM for herself? Or that he would be alone and suffer? Either way, he and his wife made a choice to stay together and it's noone's business as to why they decided to work it out. She needs to let go and forget about it, get over the anger. It's not business!!!
blissfullyoblivious Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Tell. Why protect someone who has been disloyal to you? This misguided attempt at showing you are "better" enables him to continue cheating.
blissfullyoblivious Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 You didn't cheat on her - he did. You did not hurt her - he did. If he does not care about her why should you care?
woinlove Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 You didn't cheat on her - he did. You did not hurt her - he did. If he does not care about her why should you care? Nissu says she does care. Clearly, from her posts, MM treated both her and his W horribly. So, he's an a$$, but Nissu isn't MM and doesn't want to behave like him. That's why she shouldn't follow his lead on how to treat others. Nissu, I think you should do whatever will make you feel good about yourself. While giving someone the truth -- that you know has been withheld from them -- can be a very compassionate (if difficult) act, the truth coming from the OW/OM is often tricky. MM/MW will typically lie and the BS could be left in a confused state not knowing what is real, despite your efforts. You seem to have decided the truth out of revenge is not a good idea and I agree that it is not likely to make you feel good. I hope MM stays away this time and let's you heal from his manipulations and selfishness.
blissfullyoblivious Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Nissu says she does care. Clearly, from her posts, MM treated both her and his W horribly. So, he's an a$$, but Nissu isn't MM and doesn't want to behave like him. That's why she shouldn't follow his lead on how to treat others. Nissu, I think you should do whatever will make you feel good about yourself. While giving someone the truth -- that you know has been withheld from them -- can be a very compassionate (if difficult) act, the truth coming from the OW/OM is often tricky. MM/MW will typically lie and the BS could be left in a confused state not knowing what is real, despite your efforts. You seem to have decided the truth out of revenge is not a good idea and I agree that it is not likely to make you feel good. I hope MM stays away this time and let's you heal from his manipulations and selfishness. The truth can be painful but the alternative is far worse.
woinlove Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 The truth can be painful but the alternative is far worse. The truth and honesty is very important to me, so I think I would want to know the truth no matter what. Usually, I give that perspective. But, I am cautious when an OW/OM is asking advice about talking to the BS. Perhaps it is usually a good idea still, but it seems (1) it is the source the BS might be least likely to believe (2) often the OW/OM is in such pain themselves, that I think they need to heal and this might not help, and could hinder, their healing (3) if their motivation is revenge, they might end up feeling worse about themselves because they didn't act out of kindness (4) the OW/OM typically wants to remove themselves from MM/MW and his/her life at this stage, and this could prolong the connection (as opposed to the MM/MW or a friend of BS telling, where they are willing to stick around if the BS wants more information from them) My impression is that all 4 of these apply here, at least partly, so I tend to think Nissu made the right decision in leaving this alone. However, I agree with your sentiment, blissfully, that the BS could well be in a lot of pain, not knowing, suspecting, whatever - chances could be high that MM will do this again. I just am not sure Nissu can do much to really help at this point.
Author Nissu Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Nissu says she does care. Clearly, from her posts, MM treated both her and his W horribly. So, he's an a$$, but Nissu isn't MM and doesn't want to behave like him. That's why she shouldn't follow his lead on how to treat others. Nissu, I think you should do whatever will make you feel good about yourself. While giving someone the truth -- that you know has been withheld from them -- can be a very compassionate (if difficult) act, the truth coming from the OW/OM is often tricky. MM/MW will typically lie and the BS could be left in a confused state not knowing what is real, despite your efforts. You seem to have decided the truth out of revenge is not a good idea and I agree that it is not likely to make you feel good. I hope MM stays away this time and let's you heal from his manipulations and selfishness. Thanks woinlove! You definitely hit many of the "points" going on in my head about this. I really agree with what you said about doing what will make me feel good. Part of me says that outing the affair will make me feel good by no longer enabling him to keep his status quo; on the flip side I don't want to ruin the life of their son - and that's really what is stopping me. I think I'm going to cross my fingers and hope karma takes care of this for me. Several people the BW knows were aware of the affair and I'm sure he still has pictures stowed away in his phone so maybe it will come out without any intervention on my part.
Author Nissu Posted February 16, 2011 Author Posted February 16, 2011 Tell. Why protect someone who has been disloyal to you? This misguided attempt at showing you are "better" enables him to continue cheating. I completely agree with the bolded part! Its the exact same argument I've been having with myself. I just don't want to wreck the homelife that their son has. I'll just continue to fantasize about throwing him under the bus... & driving it back & forth over him a few times. As far as his cheating again, I just can't imagine it happening - his beer belly is bigger than I am! Who falls for a 50ish, balding, overweight, asthmatic, workaholic?? except me
Emme Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I completely agree with the bolded part! Its the exact same argument I've been having with myself. I just don't want to wreck the homelife that their son has. I'll just continue to fantasize about throwing him under the bus... & driving it back & forth over him a few times. As far as his cheating again, I just can't imagine it happening - his beer belly is bigger than I am! Who falls for a 50ish, balding, overweight, asthmatic, workaholic?? except me *Emme get's behind the first bus and starts the engine.... Come on Nissu you ready... (Beep Beep) Emme steps on the gas* You've listed a large percentage of the cheating population in your description. Money also hides flaws as well. We love the true inner person that they are.
Author Nissu Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 LOL, Emme you made me crack up. Beep Beep
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