Great, this again.

[caspanraille]

So a little backstory: last year I made the mistake of pursuing someone who wasn't interested in being in a relationship with me, for FAR too long. We had a lot of fun and did a lot of things together, but it ended up being really painful for me because I was falling for her and she just didn't feel the same way. Ended up in a funk for a few months where I was really depressed and left my friends, job and family on the sidelines. After that I signed up for an online dating site to meet new people who who were interested in the idea of being in a relationship like me.

 

After going on a handful of dates and being close to giving up, I met "Sarah". She pretty much satisfied every category I was looking for, and we hit it off immediately. Over the last two months we've hung out at least twice a week: I've met her parents, she's met my friends (who adore her by the way), she tells me things like "I miss you" and showers me with compliments. There's no question that she's into me.

 

After dating for two months, I tell her that I'd really like to be in a relationship with her. She responds that she's "just not ready" and there are things she needs to work on and get past due to her last relationship, which ended probably 6 months ago.

 

If there are some things she wants to work on, I'm more than happy to give her that opportunity. The last thing I'd want is to pressure her into a situation she's not ready for. On the other hand, if she doesn't see herself being with me, I can't do this to myself. The last time I went through this it was so painful, and this time could be worse because she's so much of a better person than the last girl.

 

How much more time should I give her?

 

When should I bring up the relationship question again?

 

Should I remind her (again) about what I went through last time, so she better understands my situation?

 

I want to be understanding, but I have to look out for myself too. I'd hate to screw this up when she really does want to be with me in the future, but I can't give her everything I do without getting what I need in return. Any help would be so appreciated!

Edited January 11, 2011 by caspanraille

[depplover_1980]

You poor thing, what a nightmare but you have to BE COOL!

 

I have been seeing an amazing man for over 4 months and he is only just coming round to the 'relationship' idea. The key is to back off a bit here, call her less often and create a bit of space on your terms - obviously not the cold shoulder but you have to retreat for a while. If only to protect yourself a little bit.

 

You seem very extreme on the needing to know front and realistically you either hold in for a while, which may end in a fall or end it. Either way that would result in getting hurt so you may aswell hang fire and live with 'no regrets'. As for the pain, it always eases off and generally we move on and love again so try not to focus on it but instead what you could have in the future.

[iJester]

I think the solution is to distance yourself from her. Don't initiate contact with her, just for the sake of talking to her. Start doing your own thing more and wait for her to contact you. You should also stay active on the dating site you're on(I'll bet Sarah is), and keep going on dates with other women until Sarah is ready for a relationship. If she asks what's going on with you, just tell her, "I've been investing myself in this relationship and I'm looking for someone ready to invest the same amount that I am."

[xpaperxcutx]

You're going to have to be open to the idea that you're going to have to date other people until she decides to come around.

 

I don't think it's fair to wait for someone who does not know what they want. The issue here is her not you.

[caspanraille]

Thanks for the great responses everyone. I think a little distance would be a good thing- the idea can be hard to swallow when you get really excited about someone new but I think I can manage.