The Sexting Story....what would you have done?

[Loquacious Miss L.]

So I dated this guy named J for a few months. We just broke up tonight and here's why....some of this is my fault, but let me explain what happened....

 

We had been dating for about three months when around Christmas time I had discovered while going through his phone that he had signed onto his yahoo messenger account and said "Hi sexy," to another woman. He came up with an excuse as to why and so I let it go, chalking it up to stupidity.

 

I should have listened to my instinct then.

 

He has an ex wife that he has an interesting relationship with to say the least. But that's neither here nor there.

 

The meat of the story:

 

So last Thursday I hacked into his email account. Wrong on my part but nevertheless, I did some detective work. In his sent file I saw he had uploaded a picture of another woman's derriere with her name underneath it. So what did I do? I copped to the email hacking and confronted him.

 

At first he told me that it was a girl he went to school with in Ohio. He said initially their contact was catching up. He then told me their texting turned sexual. He then asked for a picture of her butt which she sent to him. (This is all according to him). The contact then continued all the way from December 18th to around January 4th. I found this out January 6th. He had told her around January 4th that he didn't want to talk to her anymore or text. He told me the texts had been sporadic from around December 21st (the date of the picture) to Christmas Day when she texted him. He was with me on vacation from December 23-January 3rd. Initially he told me that they weren't in much contact because she had just "respected" the fact that he was in a relationship.

 

So the last few days I had been torn. I couldn't decide whether to break up with this man because I loved who I thought he was. I thought maybe I could get over this hurdle. But everytime I closed my eyes I thought of the pic that I saw and the lies...that were unraveling.

 

Tonight was the catalyst that broke me down. He confessed he had told her not to contact him when he wasn't at work and that he would be with me certain days. Which means....he had no intentions in my mind of ever telling me although he said he would have.

 

So, I broke up with him tonight. That's it. I am done. I should have kicked him to the curb when I initially found out about it but I didn't.

 

How could I be with a man who could disrespect me like that. And upon further research, I discovered that we hadn't broken up for even 3 hours when he had already posted dating ads.

 

He has a sex addiction...a past riddled with lots of women, a volatile ex wife, a need for ego fulfillment, etc. Wish I had seen the forest for the trees. I am glad I got out when I did.

Edited January 23, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[daphne]

Did you know about the sex addiction or past riddle with a lot of women before or after you found out about the sexting/butt photo?

 

In my mind, that would have been a red flag to walk on before getting involved. If you didn't, you need to ask yourself why you are naive enough to think someone like that can change.

 

If you didn't know at that point and only discovered it after having found out other sordid details, I think you did fine. Women often have to have the smoking gun before they believe a man has cheated/has intent to cheat or whatever. You might have doubted yourself forever if you didn't see it through.

 

But next time, know the obvious signs and move on. It's not worth it. Let him be someone else's problem because I promise you he isn't worth it.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I knew about how he had been with a lot of women when I met him. I too have a past so I overlooked it. The other details I didnt find out about until last weekend. I am glad I got out when I did. Thanks for your response.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

any other thoughts?

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I would welcome other commentary....anyone?

[catgotyourtongue]

I would welcome other commentary....anyone?

 

Well not quite sure what to say, but I am sorry this happened to you. It sounds like getting out of this relationship was the BEST decision. I hate being misled and lied to, and games.

 

Red flags are usually red flags for a reason..just be careful and sorry you had to go through this.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Thanks. Yes it was the best decision for me. I should have known some of this stuff before and acted accordingly. I had no idea that this stuff was going on for the most part until it all came out from under the rug and then blam!

[GivenUp0083]

Wow, just wow....

 

First off, dudes cheat, so do chicks, this isn't a surprise, so you found a douchebag and was fooled for a while...it happens.

 

The fact you admit to hacking his email just blows me away, but I still think it's absolutely hilarious. I work in the IT industry and I don't even know how to hack someone's email, the fact you did it, like it was no big deal, then admitted to him you did...absolutely hilarious.

 

My questions:

 

Did you really not see this coming? Cuz you sounded like you got a hint of it and you pretended it didn't happen...you said you were stupid for thinking of it at first.

 

Where did you find this guy?

 

and most imporant question: How was he not pissed off enough to know that you went through his email and text messages behind his back. Sure, he was guilty, but you need a warrant to get the info you took from him, how was he not up in arms over it? Guilty or not, if I was dating a girl and she hacked my email account, she'd be out the door. Where's the trust after that? Do you not trust the guys you date?

[Loquacious Miss L.]

When I said hack what I mean is that he had left his email open and I went into it. I call it hacking. Usually I do trust the guys I date which is why it was apparent after a bit that something was odd. He wasn't mad....he just acted...caught. That's the haps.

[GivenUp0083]

When I said hack what I mean is that he had left his email open and I went into it. I call it hacking. Usually I do trust the guys I date which is why it was apparent after a bit that something was odd. He wasn't mad....he just acted...caught. That's the haps.

 

That's interesting. This guy was either:

 

1. Really effing stupid and you should be ashamed you went out with a guy who is dumb enough to cheat and leave himself open to getting caught

 

2. Wanted you to find out for whatever reason, because it sounds like he left it wide open to be caught. If I were cheating (which I never have) I would probably be so paranoid about you finding out that there's no way the texts would still be in my phone and the emails would be deleted/log off email every single time I'm on it, especially if I know you're going to be using that computer.

[carhill]

FWIW, I never said/wrote/shared anything remotely close to 'hey sexy' to anyone and still had an affair on my exW. Content and intent can be mutually exclusive. Betrayal can occur at many levels.

 

One aspect I examined during and after MC is what components of my personality caused me to be attracted to women who were/are unhealthy for me and to work on those components. In my case it was an unspoken pursuit of emotional distance and bankruptcy, like I could fill them up and they'd find their way to health and I'd beam with pride at that success. It was a harsh mirror to hold up but fruitful.

 

Sometimes, the very aspects of a person which make them attractive are those which effect the unhealthiness in a relationship. Do you have any insight here? I ask the question because, unlike other people whom we have no control over, we have complete control over ourselves. It's just a matter of exerting it.

 

My sympathies....

[Loquacious Miss L.]

The long and the short of it is that he admitted post fact that he has a sexual addiction issue, he is addicted to the chase/validation/ego boosting that he gets from other women. He has actually decided to join a group at church to deal with this very issue as he knows after losing me especially that he has a major issue. My therapist said yesterday something about the two/three C's: I didn't CAUSE this to happen, I can't CONTROL this from happening, and I can't CURE it. There's nothing I did to deserve this and I know that now.

[GivenUp0083]

The long and the short of it is that he admitted post fact that he has a sexual addiction issue, he is addicted to the chase/validation/ego boosting that he gets from other women. He has actually decided to join a group at church to deal with this very issue as he knows after losing me especially that he has a major issue. My therapist said yesterday something about the two/three C's: I didn't CAUSE this to happen, I can't CONTROL this from happening, and I can't CURE it. There's nothing I did to deserve this and I know that now.

 

I don't think anyone is saying it's your fault. The only thing you CAN control is the type of people you surround yourself with and the men you choose to date. Try choosing more wisely in the future.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Good point.

[Star Gazer]

What drove you to look through his phone?

[Loquacious Miss L.]

He had an inappropriate relationship with his ex wife I felt so that started my suspicions. Compound that with the fact I never felt like things were quite right with him.