He had sex with one of my best friends

[kwist]

Firstly, I know this is going to be really long. I apologize.

 

My boyfriend and I were going out for three years. We are a college relationship, and although he is the first man I have truly been in love with he has been the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. I have never wanted to be with anyone else more in my entire life. I know he feels the exact same way. We were the type of couple that could literally spend every day all day together and not get bored of each other. He was the nice guy that all my girlfriends were jealous of. He spoke openly about us one day getting married, about the house we would have, kids, etc. He gave me a promise ring.

 

We have always had lying issues in our relationship. Simply put, if something will get him in trouble with me he either won't tell me or will lie about it. He does not want to get in fights, ever. If we are in a fight, he will do everything in his power to resolve it immediately. But this attitude has lead to problems before. We have had trouble with him flirting for attention, but each time he has refused contact to the girl after I found out. Either way, it has made trusting him difficult. But these things happened over two years ago; I decided it was time to let them go and give him the trust he deserved. I still would speak jealously sometimes ("wait, you hung out with who?") but that is because it was more my self-confidence speaking than anything. I truly believed that he would never, ever cheat on me.

 

About a year and a half ago we began having sex issues. I found out I have vulvodynia and it has been a really difficult and stressful recovery. Nothing I have tried has really worked, so I was considering surgery to fix things. There are stretches and exercises I am supposed to do, but they require two people so I brought my boyfriend. It seems that somewhere along here, he gave up. Instead of trying to help with any of the massages, he would simply get frustrated and blatantly say things like "Give me a BJ" or "Let's try sex". To me this was very unsexy, and I told him, but things never got better. We kinda dropped things for awhile, and towards the end seems like we gave up.

 

We started getting VERY busy in our lives. There was never a day when we didn't either have school or work. He stopped doing things romantically at all. No more taking me out, no more writing me notes, etc. He started to completely change from the original person that I fell in love with. At first he was a goofy kid, straightedge (meaning he didn't drink or smoke weed), the kind of guy that didn't really fit in with "the rest" because he had no interest to. He was unique and sweet and kind - and I loved him with all my heart. But somewhere he changed into someone that wanted nothing more than to fit in. He began making friends with all of the "popular" kids. He started drinking and smoking weed. If we didn't smoke or drink that night, he would get upset. If there was a party going on that I didn't want to go to, he would be upset. If I didn't want to stay up until two or three in the morning, he would drop me off at home then go back (we live together). I started crying myself to sleep at night because of who he became. He started thinking that being mean to people was funny, because, to the people he was with, it was.

 

We started hanging out with a group of girls that I didn't really like, but that he obviously loved. They were obsessed with drinking, and so was he. One of the girls was obviously the kind that you want to stay away with. She would get trashed, go to parties, and then have unprotected sex with guys. But we kept hanging out with them, and they started to become the type of people we called friends.

 

So a few days ago I get a facebook message from the girl's boyfriend, who, out of spite, decides to tell me her and my boyfriend had sex. He was standing right next to me and absolutely exploded. He took my head in his hands and said "I swear to you on my heart and soul that I would never cheat on you. You are the girl I want to marry." And I told him I believed him, and I knew he would never do that. Others were just trying to ruin what they didn't have. But once he left for work, I couldn't help the nagging feeling in my chest. I gave the guy a call, and he explained everything. Everything fit into place. The day he had dropped me off early, new years, I guess he had gone back and (according to him) gotten more drunk. The girl had just finished having unprotected sex with another guy when my boyfriend walked in. He sat on the edge of the bed to talk to her, she grabbed his hand, they started kissing and he took of her clothes and then his. He doesn't remember if he used a condom or not, but then they started having sex. Afterwards, he was sober enough to drive home and then get into bed with me. Two weeks passed by and he didn't say anything. We even HUNG OUT with the girl and him, and they pretended like nothing was wrong.

 

When I got this confirmed from multiple sources, I gave him a call crying. He still denied it, saying, "Well, I remember we might have possibly kissed.. Maybe... But.." So I just hung up on him. He has now admitted everything. It has been two days since I found out, and both days he has come to my house crying and begging for me to forgive him. I have torn him apart on every single front possible. You had sex while in a relationship, you ruined my heart, she was underage (she was 17 he was 20), I hope it was worth it, etc. He wants to go to couple counseling. He said he barely remembers it, and he doesn't even like her. He said months back she had tried to have sex with him again while she was drunk but he denied her. I asked him, if that really happened, why did he continue to hang out with her? Why did he go in a room alone with her? For which he had no answer. He says he knows what he did was wrong and through everything he's most sorry that he hurt me. He told me I am the girl he wants to marry, he would do anything to be with me, just to please tell him what he can do to fix this.

 

I am weak, and saw him. I let him hold me while I cried and then I cried some more. I have spewed every single insult in the book and am torn into two absolutely different areas. I still love him with all of my heart and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. But every time I see his face I think of that girl and I know I will never be able to truly forgive him. We have been talking every night like we used to before we started living together. Randomly while talking I'll get angry and start to insult him again, calling him a horrible person, to which he'll break down and apologize profusely for.

 

I just don't know what to do. My heart is torn into thousands of pieces and I hate him for it. But I also love him with everything that I am. I have not eaten in two days, except for a small meal while we were together. I cannot find the motivation to do anything. Every word I have to say goes unheard because I cannot find the strength to speak it unless I am with him. I have lost all of my friends because they all knew about this and none of them told me. No one is good enough friends with me to fully support me and take my side. No one has comforted me, told me what a horrible person he was, and then scolded him. Simply, everyone tells me "I did not tell you because I am friends with both of you." I feel so alone. I feel like any decision I make will be the wrong one, somehow. Please - if you have any advice. I am all ears.

[Karma20]

Once a cheater always a cheater. He barely remembers it? So how many times has he gone out without and gotten really drunk? He could have done this before. Yes it's hard to leave but will always be worried about him when he's out with his friends getting drunk. When trust is broken by cheating it's very hard to get back. This is a guy who gave up on you when you were in recovery. He doesn't sound like that nice of guy.

[stillafool]

If you two are have problems sexually and due to his age, don't be surprised if it happens again with another girl. You have already said he will lie to keep from hurting you. He will be more careful next time. Also this girl doesn't sound like your "best friend" if she slept with your man. What are you going to say to her?

[Leandro]

Once a cheater always a cheater. You don't know how many times he's done this. You don't need him.

 

Better of without him. If you haven't dumped him yet, do it soon.

[suddendumpee]

Please don't take this as rude, but more as a reality check:

 

 

he has been the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

When dealing with extremes, they can only go to polar opposites when they turn out to be different than we thought. So he WAS the best thing that ever happened to you, now he is the WORST.

 

I have never wanted to be with anyone else more in my entire life. I know he feels the exact same way.

 

True for you, but from the rest of your story, NOT true for him. Agreed?

 

He spoke openly about us one day getting married, about the house we would have, kids, etc. He gave me a promise ring.

 

None of this means anything. Guys do this all the time to control a girl and get them where they want them, so that they can do as they please and always have one to come home to. Don't be that girl.

 

We have always had lying issues in our relationship. Simply put, if something will get him in trouble with me he either won't tell me or will lie about it.

 

Did you not see this is a red-flag?

 

He does not want to get in fights, ever.

 

If he cared as much for you as you did for him, he would avoid doing the things that cause fights. Instead he is doing them anyway, then lying to you about it. And you accept this?

 

 

We have had trouble with him flirting for attention, but each time he has refused contact to the girl after I found out.

 

You believe this? So you already know he lies. You know he flirts. Yet for some reason, you are confident he had never followed through on any of these past girls? Do you really think you busted him on the ONE AND ONLY time he cheated? Not even Sherlock Holmes has a 100% success rate. You are being delusional and blinded by your emotions for this creep.

 

 

But these things happened over two years ago

 

Lying/cheating is a character flaw. It is not something that heals in a person over time. It is a statement of moral character. It's either there or its not. Would you date a sex-offender if their crime was 2 years ago? (oh wait...you are. They girl was underage )

 

I decided it was time to let them go and give him the trust he deserved.

 

Trust is not to be GIVEN, nor is it DESERVED. It is EARNED. Once someone destroys it, it is up to them to earn it back. If they fail at earning your trust, they DO NOT love you. That is a fact. Love does not lie, and love does not take people for granted.

 

 

I still would speak jealously sometimes ("wait, you hung out with who?") but that is because it was more my self-confidence speaking than anything.

 

Are you actually blaming yourself for his destruction of your trust? I bet your self confidence was a bit higher before he started flirting cheating right? Do not blame yourself for any of this. That is a sign of abuse.

 

 

I truly believed that he would never, ever cheat on me.

 

 

He gave you all the signs that he was capable (lying and flirting), this part is your fault.

 

 

Instead of trying to help with any of the massages, he would simply get frustrated and blatantly say things like "Give me a BJ" or "Let's try sex".

 

 

Sounds like a great guy. You want a man who would stick by your side even after a paralyzing car accident. That is love. With this type of behavior, do you think he would do this for you?

 

 

"I swear to you on my heart and soul that I would never cheat on you. You are the girl I want to marry." And I told him I believed him, and I knew he would never do that.

 

 

To go to this extent to lie...I'm ashamed for you that you are still talking to him. Maybe after he gives you herpes you will learn?

 

 

When I got this confirmed from multiple sources, I gave him a call crying. He still denied it, saying, "Well, I remember we might have possibly kissed.. Maybe... But.." So I just hung up on him. He has now admitted everything.

 

 

Because you backed him in to a corner with no way out. NOT because he was feeling remorseful.

 

 

He said months back she had tried to have sex with him again while she was drunk but he denied her.

 

 

Don't believe this for a second. And he is just now telling you this?

 

 

I asked him, if that really happened, why did he continue to hang out with her? Why did he go in a room alone with her? For which he had no answer.

 

Surprise. Surprise.

 

 

I still love him with all of my heart and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

You are the victim of emotional abuse. This man has swallowed up your entire ego and sense of self-worth. You DO NOT LOVE HIM. Love is giving someone your heart, and trusting them not to break it. It is a mutual understanding between TWO people. Once one of them messes it up, and when it appears to be one sided (like this case), then it is NOT love. It's obsession.

 

I guarantee if you talked to any friends, family, and outsiders about this situation, they would ALL give you the same response. leave this guy while you still have your youth. I stayed in an emotionally abusive (cheating) relationship for 6 years, because my GF had alcoholism issues. I thought I needed to be there for her to protect/help her. I will NEVER get those 6 years of my prime back. I'm now 32 years old and single while all my friends are married and on their 2nd children.

 

Do not make yourself a victim by staying in this situation. Respect yourself and ask yourself. Do you want THIS MAN (not the one you knew in the past, but the CURRENT version of him) to be the father of your children? Do you want them to grow up in a household void of trust and witness broken love, cheating, and potentially a divorce? The way this guy acts, you better believe that if you put on weight after a baby, or lose your good looks with age (you will), he's jumping ship guaranteed. He does not care about you like you do him. PLEASE move one from this and go NC immediately.

[marqueemoon4]

Sleeping with your best friend = automatic curb kickage.

[Billy_Boy]

He is not stable enough emotionally for you to want to continue dealing with. You sound pretty emotionally succinct, he sounds sloppy, if I were to advise you I would say to get rid of him, you deserve better.

[kwist]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

 

I know in my head that this is wrong and I shouldn't even be talking to him. What he did disgusts me and I know I am young enough to find someone else who will treat me better.

 

But my heart has never listened to my head, and didn't do so when we had troubles in the past. I just wish life wasn't so complicated. I am beginning to seriously doubt that love exists. We have been hanging out together, and every moment I'm with him I feel sick to my stomach that I'm even allowing him to speak to me.

 

I know if I ask him to truly never speak to me ever again he won't, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I haven't let him kiss me and I don't plan on it, but I feel like part of me needs to know that he's still there and still wants me. I am weak.

[ComputerJock]

Did you get checked for STD since he had sex with someone else and doesn't sound like he used protection?

[kwist]

Well, the girl told me there was still more left to say so I told him if he didn't tell me everything upfront I would just find out from others. As soon as he told me we needed to meet in person, I knew it would be bad.

 

I guess this isn't the first time they've had sex. They've gotten drunk both times, but before they had it in his room while he threw a party. No idea where I was. I told him if he cared about me at all he would have cut off all ties with her after that and told me everything. But instead, he said nothing and continued to hang out with her.

 

He told me that it was absolutely nothing emotional with her, and that I was the girl he wanted to marry and be with, and that he would never cheat on me ever again. I told him to never talk to me ever again, and I meant it.

 

This has been the single hardest moment of my entire life, harder even than when my dad passed away. This man means absolutely everything to me. I wanted to start a life with him. I still love him with all of my heart and it aches every moment to have him hug me and kiss me again.

 

I hate everything.

[Leandro]

I'm sorry that you're going through this Kwist.

 

You're better off without him. "It was absolutely nothing emotional with her", pfft.

 

Stick with NC and don't take him back!

[kwist]

I can't do this. This man is my soul mate. I want absolutely nothing more than to forgive him and move on with our relationship. I think about him every second of every day, and cannot get this knot out of my stomach.

[marqueemoon4]

I can't do this. This man is my soul mate. I want absolutely nothing more than to forgive him and move on with our relationship. I think about him every second of every day, and cannot get this knot out of my stomach.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but, soulmates don't nail one of your best friends, no matter what.

[Colorless]

I understand that gut wrenching pain and addiction to the other person. It is an obsession. You have to make an appointment with a psychologist asap so you can discuss this stuff. You can't suffer like this alone.

 

Please go on google now and look up local psychologists and make an appointment.

[Hhhh]

Seems like he's self destructing and taking you down with him get out while you can

[Rose T]

My ex-boyfriend was a "little" liar. He lied about his age when we both met... he was four years younger than me and thought I wouldn't date him if I knew! He did correct this within half an hour of getting to know him, but it's interesting that this tiny red flag from the first evening of getting to know him proved to be the great big reason for our break-up.

 

Our fourth date, the "hole in the wall" ate his card before we went out - the account was in debt. He told me that he'd forgotten his wallet instead ( I paid for everything, i didn't mind). (Now I'm reading this I wonder how we even got to the fifth date!)

 

Then, when we were together, if he didn't want to see a friend, he wouldn't just call them and say, "Do you mind if I miss this? I want to stay in etc" - something I'd always say. He had to make up an excuse of a prior engagement. He'd be nice to people's faces and contemptuous behind their backs. Stupid, little things which seemed like forgivable immaturity at the time... but sooner or later, as I found out, a "little" liar will graduate to bigger ones.

 

In my case, as yours, it's "forgetting" to tell you about the OW... And finding it so easy to construct stories as to where he was, what really happened... I learned, as I think you are, that little lies are the sign of a much deeper defect which will almost always sabotage your relationship.

 

I know how hard it is but you must be strong and you must walk away.

[BellaBellaBella]

Kwist,

 

Maybe your not ready to let go? If your not then make some boundaries, which set a very high bar to recovery. They would include complete transparency, which means all cell phone access and computer passwords. He would also need to cut off that total group of friends. He had very poor boundaries and would need to become involved in the recovery of your health, perhaps even counseling. He would need to come home with you, when you do and no female friends. The reality here is do you even want to be involved with this group?

 

I don't hold much hope for all this. However, only you can decide what you want to do. It hurts and is easier to cut him off. If you decide to end things, people will support you.

 

Bella

[suddendumpee]

Kwist,

 

Maybe your not ready to let go? If your not then make some boundaries, which set a very high bar to recovery. They would include complete transparency, which means all cell phone access and computer passwords. He would also need to cut off that total group of friends. He had very poor boundaries and would need to become involved in the recovery of your health, perhaps even counseling. He would need to come home with you, when you do and no female friends. The reality here is do you even want to be involved with this group?

 

I don't hold much hope for all this. However, only you can decide what you want to do. It hurts and is easier to cut him off. If you decide to end things, people will support you.

 

Bella

 

This is the worst advice I have read in a while. What sort of a relationship is it if you need to spy on all of their activities, e-mails etc 24 hours a day. This is NOT healthy. A liar/cheater will ALWAYS find a way. Within 2 weeks there would be a new (secret) e-mail address, and cell phone call logs and text messages can be deleted. This only trains the liar to be more crafty in their lies. It does not make them an honest person.

[kwist]

This is the worst advice I have read in a while. What sort of a relationship is it if you need to spy on all of their activities, e-mails etc 24 hours a day. This is NOT healthy. A liar/cheater will ALWAYS find a way. Within 2 weeks there would be a new (secret) e-mail address, and cell phone call logs and text messages can be deleted. This only trains the liar to be more crafty in their lies. It does not make them an honest person.

 

But people have the ability to change, right?

[Leandro]

But people have the ability to change, right?

Yes, we (humans) have the ability to change. It's up to him if he really wants to change or not. Plus, people don't change over night.

 

Like I said before, you don't know how long he's been doing this for. It could have been a one time thing or it could be a very bad habit.

 

You don't need someone like this.

[Hhhh]

But people have the ability to change, right?

 

only after something such as a break up, he doesn't appreciate you enough to not cheat on you. he needs to grow on his own and get his priorities straight before he can handle a healthy relationship. you need to learn to let go and move on. This is probably going to be one of the hardest things your going to do if you choose to break up with him. We are all here for the same reasons and we support each other. remember this is a 24 hour website.

 

It has been 4 months for me and i am a somewhat numb and different but i still feel it some days but hopefully i can get through this one day stronger than ever and ready to meet the women i will one day marry.

[kwist]

I talked with him again tonight. He acts too sweet. I feel like this is the true him speaking and everything else was just a dream. He also wrote a song for me.

 

I guess he also told her my deepest secret, about my issues with having sex. And of course, she told everyone. I felt I had no choice but to tell everyone that knew that the reason we weren't having sex was because he was so horrible at it. I felt awful stooping down to his level. But it seems now that everyone is talking about me and all the things that are wrong with me.

 

I am so messed up. Thank you everyone for your comfort.

[Leandro]

I talked with him again tonight. He acts too sweet. I feel like this is the true him speaking and everything else was just a dream. He also wrote a song for me.

Why are you still talking with him?

 

I guess he also told her my deepest secret, about my issues with having sex.

Oh, what a caring bf he was.

And of course, she told everyone.

What kind of friend is that?

 

I felt I had no choice but to tell everyone that knew that the reason we weren't having sex was because he was so horrible at it.

HAHAHA. Sucks to be him.

 

I felt awful stooping down to his level. But it seems now that everyone is talking about me and all the things that are wrong with me.

Nothing wrong with you. You didn't cheat and you're not horrible at sex.

 

 

 

I am so messed up. Thank you everyone for your comfort.

You're not messed up, just hurt.

[kwist]

Why are you still talking with him?

 

I am weak. I only feel happy when I am around him. I feel betrayed and angry and hurt, but it all happened so quickly that I still can't get over how much I am love with him. I wouldn't even call myself a needy person, just heads over heels in love.

 

 

What kind of friend is that?

We don't talk anymore, not after I called her a monster. She's still trying to talk to (and get with) him, but I told him if he ever spoke with her again, except to tell her to leave him alone, I would never speak to him ever again. I have been very snoopy and discovered the only time he has spoken with her is to tell her to never talk to him again.

 

------

 

We had a really interesting conversation today. He came by to drop off flowers (he has brought me some every day since I broke up with him) and again asked what he could do for my forgiveness. I told him even if I forgave him, which I wasn't ready to do and I wasn't sure if I ever would be ready, we are both finishing up our time at community college and will be separating to go to a university afterward. Even if he did all that he said he would (give up drinking, never go anywhere without me, make sure he always has his phone and where he is) how could I expect him to stay faithful while there? And how could he expect me to spend the whole time while in college worrying about him cheating?

 

He told me he didn't plan on dating or seeing anyone else while in college, and asked if he spent the entire time out of a relationship, would I consider giving him another chance, or would I at least be his friend so he could have me in his life? He also said he wants me to date while in college, and wants me to be happy. But he will do anything to prove that he is a changed person and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

This is the reason that I couldn't believe he had cheated on me when I heard it. I have known him for three years. He is literally the perfect man in all other ways - it just makes no sense to me? No one can tell me that I didn't know him, because you don't spend all day every day with someone for three years and not at least have some idea what kind of person they are. It just makes no sense.

[Leandro]

I am weak. I only feel happy when I am around him. I feel betrayed and angry and hurt, but it all happened so quickly that I still can't get over how much I am love with him. I wouldn't even call myself a needy person, just heads over heels in love.

I know. It's all at once, so it's hard to believe that it happen. Like it's a dream and you're just waiting to wake up.

 

I understand that your in love with him, but is he in love with you? If he was, would he have cheated on you?

 

 

We don't talk anymore, not after I called her a monster. She's still trying to talk to (and get with) him, but I told him if he ever spoke with her again, except to tell her to leave him alone, I would never speak to him ever again. I have been very snoopy and discovered the only time he has spoken with her is to tell her to never talk to him again.

well you should be calling your ex the monster. Yea, she did wrong by going after him and all, but he chose to do it. So he's just as wrong.

 

------

 

We had a really interesting conversation today. He came by to drop off flowers (he has brought me some every day since I broke up with him) and again asked what he could do for my forgiveness. I told him even if I forgave him, which I wasn't ready to do and I wasn't sure if I ever would be ready,

He just feels bad now. Does he ever say that he regrets it?

 

we are both finishing up our time at community college and will be separating to go to a university afterward. Even if he did all that he said he would (give up drinking, never go anywhere without me, make sure he always has his phone and where he is) how could I expect him to stay faithful while there?

Exactly!! You're trust in him is gone. He'll be at a Uni and he will go to parties and probably think the same way he did before he cheated on you.

 

And how could he expect me to spend the whole time while in college worrying about him cheating?

It's to much stress on you. You don't need that while at college.

 

He told me he didn't plan on dating or seeing anyone else while in college, and asked if he spent the entire time out of a relationship, would I consider giving him another chance, or would I at least be his friend so he could have me in his life?

It's up to you if you want to be in his life or not.

 

He also said he wants me to date while in college, and wants me to be happy.

Well you deserve to be happy!!

 

But he will do anything to prove that he is a changed person and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I really don't think he has changed over night. An why wasn't he thinking that when he cheated?

 

This is the reason that I couldn't believe he had cheated on me when I heard it. I have known him for three years. He is literally the perfect man in all other ways - it just makes no sense to me? No one can tell me that I didn't know him, because you don't spend all day every day with someone for three years and not at least have some idea what kind of person they are. It just makes no sense.

Yes, you knew him, but this is someone new. Would the ex you KNEW cheat on you? NO! So who is this new guy? just some guy.

 

The guy you loved died and this new person took over.