love&theft Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I'll try to make this as short and direct as possible. I'm a MW who cheated with a guy she works with. Background... I've been married 3 years, contemplating divorce for 2. My DH has a serious illness and suffers from complications. Hence the reason I have had a hard time leaving. I feel bad for leaving him when he's sick. I didn't want to get married but at the time I felt obligated to marry him. Our sex life has been non-existant for 6 years. We live as roommates not as h/w. I haven't been happy for a very long time. This past summer I consulted an attorney and decided to seperate from him in Spring 2011. This would give me time to save money, find a place, etc. Problem is DH doesn't know it. Once I tell him I want to divorce he will ask me to leave the house. In September I met a guy @ work and we had an instant chemistry. I thought we'd end up being great friends. By Dec, our daily IM's turned from friendly to flirty. He (E) initiated the flirtations and I called him on it. He admitted that we had strong feelings for me and was drawn to me even though he knew it was wrong. We discussed our relationships (he has a gf who also works for the same co). He said his was beyond repair and that when his lease was up in a couple months he would be moving. I felt pretty confident that he was being upfront and honest with me as I had heard prior to any of this from mutual acquantances that she was over him and they were on a downward spiral. We continued to IM on a daily basis and eventually that turned into meeting for lunch. We met a few times and the sparks were unbelievable. We began IM-ing in the evenings and he told me all the right things. He missed me, he wishes he was with me, he loved me. Since the beginning of Jan the IM's have decreased and the emails are pretty slim as well. We met up last week and slept together. I didn't hear from him for four days. Then he IM's me that he missed me etc. That was three days ago. When I step back I tell myself he got from me what he wanted and he's done with me. I should've been smarter. But then I talk to him and all those butterflies and feelings come back and I'm right back under his spell. I know I'll never know if he's telling me the truth. We promised to be honest with each other but you never really can trust anyone. How do I step back from this 'relationship' and get some perspective? It's hard to have NC when you work for the same co (although we are in different buildings). Ex: this morning I was driving to my building and saw E and her getting out of her car and walking into work together. It just about ripped out my heart.
Jynxx Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 So in short, you cheated on your partner with someone who cheated on his partner and now you're looking for sympathy?
Chi townD Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Wow, okay...I thought this through about your situation and all I have to say is.....your poor husband. You lie, doing things behind his back, cheat on him and you're worried about the guy you're cheating with isn't serious about you? Why should he be? He knows you're a married woman and he got what he wanted from you and he knows you're not gonna say anything because it will screw up your current situation. Have you ever thought for once how this information will devastate your husband. How is it his fault that he's ill? It doesn't seem like you've talked to him about anything that you've been concerned with for years. Therefore, how is he supposed to know. Here's the truth, guys aren't psychic. But, I have a feeling once you've gathered everything you need to leave, that you'll give him some bogus excuse that you're leaving because "You're roomates" Haven't felt like husband and wife for years, love you but not in love with you..etc...etc... Not telling him that you cheated on him and leave him feeling like everything was his fault. Why don't you do him a favor and tell him you cheated and leave now.
Author love&theft Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 I didn't ask for sympathy. I asked for advice on how to step back from this relationship with E and get some perspective. You're right my 'poor' husband. The same husband who refuses to go to marriage counseling. I went to counseling - alone. The same husband who deceived me into marrying him with the promise of children and who had us going through extensive fertility testing and specialist visits only to find out almost $20,000 of my savings later he had known all along he couldn't have kids. Is that something you could forgive? Because it's not something I can forgive. He even went so far as to help me decorate a nursery in our house. That's cruel. So now I have a constant daily reminder of how he lied to me for years. And yes, it is his fault he is ill. He refused treatment and because of that he now suffers from a chronic illness. For a year I pushed him to get treatment and he refused. My husband knows our marriage isn't salvagable. We've discussed our issues & he's told me if I don't like it to leave. I'm trying to do the right thing by helping to pay off our credit card debt before I leave. You're awful quick to judge...obviously you wouldn't be on this board if your love lives were all that great.
Chi townD Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) and you're awefully vague on details. Regardless of what he did or didn't do, NOTHING justicifies getting cheated on. Do you plan on telling your husband you've been cheating on him? Or are you just going to let him think that the dismise of the marriage was ALL his fault. And my love life is great, thanks for the concern. Edited January 11, 2011 by Chi townD
Chi townD Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Look, your marriage is over. You know it and anyone reading your thread knows it. The question is are you gonna do the right thing and tell your husband you aren't happy, you haven't been happy and that there's someone else. He is to blame for 50% of the dismise of the marriage, but you are 100% responsible for your affair.Then, sit down and figure out assets that need to be handled and split down the middle. Then clean break to start a fresh life. As far as the OM is concerned, he really doesn't give a rip about you or what you're going through. He slept with a married woman, step back and look outside the box on that one. He told you what you wanted to hear to get what he wanted.
robf1971 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I felt obligated to marry him. What a crock of sh*t
robf1971 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 When I step back I tell myself he got from me what he wanted and he's done with me. No sh*t Sherlock, You've been played, can't say I feel to sorry for you though.
robf1971 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 but you never really can trust anyone. Cripes, How old are you? You're either 16 or totally immature.
Billy_Boy Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Advice wise, I would say just settle up all the financial stuff you can right now that way when you do split up for good, there aren't any ropes tying you to each other. Then you can get back to finding what makes you happy without being responsible for someone elses feelings.
dont-be-naive Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I'll try to make this as short and direct as possible. I'm a MW who cheated with a guy she works with. Background... I've been married 3 years, contemplating divorce for 2. My DH has a serious illness and suffers from complications. Hence the reason I have had a hard time leaving. I feel bad for leaving him when he's sick. well just do it anyway. he won't think so, but he will be better off without you. In time he'll see that. Just tell him you are cheating on him and that will make it easier. Because unless he thinks you are just leaving, he will think that something can be worked out. if you are cheating, it may help him to want to get rid of you. I didn't want to get married but at the time I felt obligated to marry him. Our sex life has been non-existant for 6 years. We live as roommates not as h/w. I haven't been happy for a very long time. This past summer I consulted an attorney and decided to seperate from him in Spring 2011. This would give me time to save money, find a place, etc. Problem is DH doesn't know it. Once I tell him I want to divorce he will ask me to leave the house. so? you should leave the house. you want a divorce, you should be the one to leave. and since there is no equity in the house accumulated in 3 short years of being married, you should just leave it to him. sign a quit claim deed. Get an anullment. We promised to be honest with each other but you never really can trust anyone. is there a hint of hypocrisy here?
dont-be-naive Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I didn't ask for sympathy. I asked for advice on how to step back from this relationship with E and get some perspective. you just DO it.
dont-be-naive Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 And yes, it is his fault he is ill. wow, just wow:sick: truth or not, thats cold to even make the statement. and cheaters want compassion for their situations:rolleyes:
gizbug Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 wow, just wow:sick: truth or not, thats cold to even make the statement. and cheaters want compassion for their situations:rolleyes: Agree to that!
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