ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 first & foremost, the intent of this thread isn't to rip on those that use online dating as their primary method of meeting new people. that said, online people, why do you do it?? I don't understand. I go out with my friends & sometimes by myself, I meet people, we talk, we connect (or we don't), we exchange contact info -- rinse, wash, repeat. now why is online dating necessary?? what am I missing exactly?? just asking; because perhaps I'm missing something. and another thing, I have yet to meet the couple that has mentioned how they met their online SO without prefacing the story with... "so we, uhhhh... yeah... well... it's an interesting story..." it seems there's always some stigma attached to those that meet over the Internet. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fully understand it. nonetheless, I'd like to open that point (the "stigma") up for discussion too. online daters, why do you look online? are those of us who refuse to missing out?? how do you feel about/cope with the social stigma attached to dating online??
Imajerk17 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I do both. I've met women in the grocery store, in cafes, on the plane ride home (I'm actually flying out to see her this weekend), and online. I am not personally into bars though. And you can only meet so many women at your local Whole Foods before you start to see the same ones over and over again. It saves time to do OLD. Look, I live in a small town, where there aren't too many single women. It's just inefficient for me to go running around the county trying to find one who strikes my fancy. I can see a whole bunch of them online tho, and they're just an email away. So...
Confusedalways Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 There's a lot of things I think you're missing. Maybe you can meet people, ask for their number, etc, but a lot of people are shy, or are too busy, or don't know where to meet other single people. You're forgetting some people may not have a lot of friends, are new to the area. There are plenty of reasons. It's just opening up another venue to meet people in. Most people who are online dating are obviously still looking IRL too, but using online in addition to what they're already doing. Back when I online dated, my favorite part was that everyone on that the websites were obviously relationship minded. You can easily meet someone IRL you hit it off with, but they might be in a relationship, or not ready for a relationship at all. Online, you know most people are ready and willing to go out for at least a date. I do agree with you about the social stigma, and I think it's a shame. In all honesty, if I ended up in a LTR with someone I met online I'd be pretty uncomfortable sharing that fact, though I don't judge anyone who does it. I ended up meeting someone IRL while I was online dating, and that's just the way it shook out for me. I think it boils down just to being an additional way to meet people, that's all.
Stung Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I live in an area with a big tech industry. A lot of people work online, and a lot of people meet online. There's no stigma around here. I put up a profile when I moved to another state, as a way to meet people for both dating and friendships. I met several interesting people that way. I kept my profile up for about a year, give or take. I continued to meet people out in the real world and date/befriend them too, but--well, OP, I don't know how old you are, but for many people it gets a little harder to keep a constant flow of interesting new people around when you're not hanging around campuses and clubs anymore. Also, like many women, I found I liked being able to screen who I chose to talk to/meet online--more comfortable than always being on-the-spot with guys cold-approaching on the street or in bookstores or cafes. After many years of dating people I met in-person, I met my husband online. While he actually lived in the metro area I grew up in, I didn't meet him until I was living 800 miles away--I was his highest match within 1,000 miles, according to the OkC algorithms. So, you know, I'm biased. But I think it can work out really well. Plus, I'm always happy to bore people to tears with how I met him; I love the fact that I was his highest match in a 1,000 miles, and that we spent six months writing back and forth and then another six months flying back and forth like lovestruck teenagers heedless of the damage to our credit cards. I think it's romantic.
Star Gazer Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 it seems there's always some stigma attached to those that meet over the Internet. how do you feel about/cope with the social stigma attached to dating online?? There me be a stigma to you, but there certainly isn't one for me or anyone I know. Every single person I know is openly on one or more online dating sites. All of the 3 weddings I went to in 2010 were of couples who met online, and during 2 of the ceremonies the method of their meeting was mentioned. 2 of the 4 weddings I'm set to attend this year (so far) are online couples as well.
OceanGirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I meet less and less new single people since I turned 30. I hate bars and clubs and have pretty closed circle of friends consisting of few females and lots of gay men. I work at a place where are no single men at all (not even 1 out of 50 or so) but plenty of single women. At our last Christmas party, some single temp turned up and there was a cue of women waiting to speak to him. He wasn't even cute and it was really pathetic. I have been occasionally approached in bookstores or on the street, but those men were beyond sleazy and creepy I literally went 2 years without a date before I joined OKCupid - after which I had 30 first dates in one year. So yeah, things are pretty bleak if I don't do online dating.
pookster72 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 i think it makes a lot more sense for those who are a little older (25+ maybe). they're not in school anymore, probably not into the bar scene, and when they do meet random new people there's a good chance that the person they meet is going to be "taken" already. that being said, i found my kitty online, and my mom found my brother online (he's adopted...she saw him on an orphanage's website lol), so its not that weird to think about doing stuff online in this day and age.
Emilia Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 it allows me access to a wider range of men in terms of age/background/etc. I don't care about the social stigma because I wouldn't really be with someone who concerned themselves too much with what others think. I don't date from work nor from my circle of friends so that leaves complete strangers pretty much. I don't want bars as my primary source for meeting men so I do things like climbing where I chat to guys and online dating.
oaks Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 that said, online people, why do you do it?? I found that I wasn't meeting attractive single people who were interested in me through the other things I was doing, so I thought I would give it a try. Simple as that. I'm sure I could've tried something else, and perhaps had success. I didn't feel that it was a last resort or anything like that. just asking; because perhaps I'm missing something. Maybe. Maybe not. It's just a way of meeting other people. It's has good points and bad points. and another thing, I have yet to meet the couple that has mentioned how they met their online SO without prefacing the story with... "so we, uhhhh... yeah... well... it's an interesting story..." it seems there's always some stigma attached to those that meet over the Internet. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fully understand it. nonetheless, I'd like to open that point (the "stigma") up for discussion too. People have been meeting 'online' ever since the telegraph network was set up (telegraph operators would chat, via morse code, with the telegraph operators at the next town/station when there were quiet moments between sending telegrams), and I think personal ads in newspapers pre-date that, but for anyone who's embarrassed about it just stick to the story that says you met in whichever place you had your first date.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 that said, online people, why do you do it?? I don't understand. I move around a lot, and I tend to use OKC right before (for the new place) or right after the move. I'll go back on after a break-up, too, if I'm over my 'need to be single and deal' period. I've never used it long-term (meaning going on regular dates long-term with no success off of it), as that would sound frustrating. A lot of the guys I like -- nerdy, a little bit shy, smart, but still cute etc -- are easy to find online, as they often work in places where there are few women (tech companies, etc). I get asked out by men in person a lot, but I'm far less interested in them (overall) than the ones I meet online. Part of this is just that I don't have a writing sample. Verbal and written communication help build my interest before physicality (Physicality is extremely important later; I couldn't do a long-term LDR). I suppose I'm a bit pensive about accepting that 1st date, and OL dating works with that. After that, my resistance either fades away or begins to build to the level where I know not to go out with the guy. That said, I've met guys any which way you can imagine. Though three of my serious LTRs have come from online (one guy I knew before I met him online, but that was how we re-connected and began to think of each other romantically), including my current BF.
irc333 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Well, geographically, some people who live in more suburan or rural areas that are single....are amongst a lot of people who marry young. In my area, the area isn't conducive to approaching a "cute woman" at a bookstore or grocery store, because at the age of 23, you'll see a wedding ring on her finger or pushin' a baby stroller. LOL So meeting women in public, well, they either have their boyfriend or husband with them. IT's quite a shame though, how someone chose marriage before even legal drinking age. In fact, there was this one cashier at grocery store that I was crushin' on, then she told me she had 2 kids...and mentioned "mother/father in-law" in a sentence when referring to what she was doing during the holidays, which told me she was hitched, I almost asked, "Dang, man, how old ARE you?!" I swear she didn't even l ook legal drinking age. LOL Such a waste of a young life, right? Most of my friends, at least locally are married, and kind of went off and had done their own thing, and lost touch...so I hadt o seek out some kind of social life as a single man....and I'm sure others had to as well if they live in smaller areas. Of course, you could commute an hour to the closest major city to meet people, so that's always an option, but sometimes it can be cumbersome. So thus the reason to search online. Funny thing though, I think I'm seeing REAL LIFE blending in with online...some of the ladies I've met when out with friends...I'm seeingon dating sites as well (apparently the selection of their group of friends aren't too their liking?) I think some people, at least with the women I have met, prefer online to HUMAN interaction, because they don't want to have to deal with a guy face-to-face that's trying to chat them up. That's why sometimes if you are kind of waiting in a long line somewhere, and there's a pretty lady standing next to you waiting in line, too. Happened with me at a coffee shop, it was a slow day, and I made my order, and she walked up and ordered a "pumpkin spice" coffee. To chat her up, I said, "Oh, Pumpkin Spice...I never had that, how does it taste?" She looks at me briefly and goes, "Good" and looks back in front of her, so as to not encourage further conversation. Made me wonder, "I wonder if she goes home and locks herself in her room to chat online with men" Because I have heard women don't like to be approached in public at inconvenient times or something, like they are at a store and want to get out right away (I fail to see the rush though), and they don't want to have to deal with someone trying to "Chat them up", so thus the luxuery of ONLINE dating. In person, there's no "Delete" key or "Ignore" button, the person is stuck talking to them. lol first & foremost, the intent of this thread isn't to rip on those that use online dating as their primary method of meeting new people. that said, online people, why do you do it?? I don't understand. I go out with my friends & sometimes by myself, I meet people, we talk, we connect (or we don't), we exchange contact info -- rinse, wash, repeat. now why is online dating necessary?? what am I missing exactly?? just asking; because perhaps I'm missing something. and another thing, I have yet to meet the couple that has mentioned how they met their online SO without prefacing the story with... "so we, uhhhh... yeah... well... it's an interesting story..." it seems there's always some stigma attached to those that meet over the Internet. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fully understand it. nonetheless, I'd like to open that point (the "stigma") up for discussion too. online daters, why do you look online? are those of us who refuse to missing out?? how do you feel about/cope with the social stigma attached to dating online??
irc333 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) I have been occasionally approached in bookstores or on the street, but those men were beyond sleazy and creepy I literally went 2 years without a date before I joined OKCupid - after which I had 30 first dates in one year. 2 years? Well that explains why I get no responses from women in my local areas lacking in singles. LOL The "left overs" that are actually SINGLE find themselves realizing that in public, there's no one to date, and they jump on board the dating sites. But funny, if I do a search in my rural area, not a whole lot come up that, not offense, weigh under 200 lbs or have missing teeth, but occasionally a cute, but average girl my speed would show up Sometimes, occassionally, I'd see knock-out women show up in my BFE area, actually suprised they're on there...but then I figure, "Oh right, she lives in <mayberry-ish town name>, guess she's stuck with online dating. They're situation is, they JUST moved here, and came from a large city, and probably moved usually to be near family or perhaps they wanted a change of scenery, b,ut unfortuantely, they had to give up on the selection of single men. But, thing is, when I email even THEM, they don't respond, and I see them 2 years later on the same site, sometimes they update their profiles dismayed or irritated how they hadn't had decent guys email them. And I think, well, I emailed YOU, but hey, you passed out on an opportunity. LOL (Not to sound like I'm patting myself on the back though) They eventually get frustrated in BOTH environments both online AND offline. lol I figure, they might as well relocate, if they've been in a rural town and even online isn't cutting it for them, because even when I do a search in a RURAL town...the pickings are scarey or on the Jerry Springer show side. He wasn't even cute and it was really pathetic. Well, it shows that all those women aren't as overly picky as you. lol Edited January 11, 2011 by irc333
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 very good responses, you guys; thank you. I wasn't expecting to hear that more than a few women actually prefer to meet a person online, as opposed to RL. that's an eye opener - in a good way. it seems we're way past online dating becoming mainstream. I'm 28, for the record and I do go out quite a bit; as I live in a very urban setting. after my divorce last year I moved and really started over. it was a bit rough having to develop a new social life from scratch. I considered online dating but didn't. in my mind there was this negative connotation (that seems somewhat baseless after hearing such compelling points from you guys). fortunately, I live in a place where there are so many people, and operating by myself for a few months helped me reconnect with my music, which I stopped listening to, collecting and mixing while I was married. that really was my saving grace. music and connecting with locals into the same was the crux of rebuilding my social life w/o the Internet (Facebook notwithstanding). that said, I only have say 3 different circles of friends and over say a year I've kinda met and sized up the girls I was into, dated 3 and now, we're all just friends, or maybe a bit more, from time-to-time. a buddy I work with RAVES about match.com and how he goes out with at least 2 - 3 new women a month. lol. he was persuasive, needless to say. if I lived anywhere with a less dense population, I would very likely be on board; I mean, the efficiency is tough to match without being a regular in a place where many people with common interests gather. the women (and guys) I meet are usually friends of friends or people I see regularly, just out & about or at get togethers, or places I play music. I like it. after dating a few crazies, I down shifted into just "make a bunch of friends & hang out" mode; I'm still in that phase I think. but even though that's been working well, I wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot by not creating an OKC profile or something. lol. again, good posts you guys. I "get it" more now and it seems the stigma isn't what it used to be.
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 online daters, why do you look online? are those of us who refuse to missing out?? For me, it's simple and efficient. I have to drive 20 miles one-way to see and socialize with any humans, so 'chance meetings' can get pretty expensive. If you meet new people every day IRL, then OLD is an option perhaps not desired or necessary. For me, it's been a great way to meet people in my general area and all over the world. My exW lived about sixty miles away when I met her online about twelve years ago. OLD shrinks distance. I never would have met her IRL, nor any of the ladies I've dated over the years. Last time I looked on Match, in all age ranges (I'm 51), there were less than ten women listed in a ten mile radius around where I live. As my M proved, relationships are transitory but I love where I live, so something has to give. OLD is it. YMMV
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 oh yeah, this is a bit off topic, but I'm falling for a woman I met at work. different departments. we became good friends while I was divorcing my ex wife. I didn't notice till we started to hang out more 1-on-1 but this is the first girl since last April I've gotten close to w/ long term potential. she has a boyfriend she's detached from emotionally, & I know the rule: if she's okay cheating on him, then it could happen to you. I get that. therefore I haven't even kissed her yet, but we touch each other a lot and just last Sunday she leaned over during a movie, cheek to cheek to whisper some comment about the flick to me. I wanted to kiss her so badly. my buddies tell me, "hey, if she ain't married, she's fair game!" I get this point too, but I loathe cheaters & technically dont want to be one myself. her bf proposed to her last year, and she wears the ring on the wrong hand. she's so done with him, but blah. I feel strange putting the moves on her when I know she's got a guy she's stringing along. ...but I digress. just getting that out. comment on it if you want, or back to the topic at issue: online dating vs. RL. thanks.
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Here's how it will go. Some other guy will (or already has) put the moves on her and she'll be gone. In fact, most if not all of that ten second clock has already run. The cool thing is that's OK
tigressA Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 My circumstances don't allow for me to go out very often on my own or with friends, so any chance of meeting somebody that way is extremely slim at best. Additionally, there's not much to pick from in the way of good men in my immediate area. So online dating it is! I'm not ashamed of it in any way; I'm always honest about how I met a guy.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Here's how it will go. Some other guy will (or already has) put the moves on her and she'll be gone. In fact, most if not all of that ten second clock has already run. The cool thing is that's OK you're right. I want her. that would suuuck so much if I found out another dude muscled in on my progress. lol. eff my (recovering nice-guy) conscience, I have to go sexual before it's too late. good call, Car.
daphne Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 When I was in my 20's, I did it for an ego stroke. I didn't realize it at the time, but considering my lack of desire to actually meet anyone speaks volumes. Now, I do it because I work a lot and when I do go out with my friends, the demographic that asks me out is too young for me. I have found that online has really helped me "meet" a lot of guys in my age range, thankfully. Also, I meet more professional men than I would out.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 My circumstances don't allow for me to go out very often on my own or with friends, so any chance of meeting somebody that way is extremely slim at best. Additionally, there's not much to pick from in the way of good men in my immediate area. So online dating it is! I'm not ashamed of it in any way; I'm always honest about how I met a guy. don't think I haven't peeked at that "multi-dating log" of yours. you clean up, girl. you're hooked.
Jazzari Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Being a widow, I was at a loss on how to even meet men. I am financially secure, but I work from home. No help there. I don't socialize or attend any public activities and I don't really want to. I'm not comfortable with the bar scene. We moved around alot, so I have no RL girlfriends in this area that could even offer help. So how to meet men? Also, I don't want to settle down here. I'd like to move so meeting a man in this area would be counter productive. And I'm damn picky about what I want. Online dating has worked great for me so far. I subscribed for 3 months, chatted with alot of great men but ultimately only dated one. I've since let my subscription lapse and will see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, I will certainly try the online dating again.
SmileFace Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I do three main things everyday School Work Gym I see the same people everyday . For me to get change - online dating is the way to go.
tigressA Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 don't think I haven't peeked at that "multi-dating log" of yours. you clean up, girl. you're hooked. I'm taking a break...I disabled my profile yesterday. I got some dates but nothing panned out, and I'm a little annoyed. So I'm clearing my head and regaining patience before I dive back in.
pookster72 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 In fact, there was this one cashier at grocery store that I was crushin' on, then she told me she had 2 kids...and mentioned "mother/father in-law" in a sentence when referring to what she was doing during the holidays, which told me she was hitched, I almost asked, "Dang, man, how old ARE you?!" I swear she didn't even l ook legal drinking age. LOL Such a waste of a young life, right? well you don't know how old she really was...i look about 12 myself haha. though of course the point that women in those sort of areas do tend to get married way too early still stands.
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 you're right. I want her. that would suuuck so much if I found out another dude muscled in on my progress. lol. eff my (recovering nice-guy) conscience, I have to go sexual before it's too late. good call, Car. If that matches up with *your* style, it's healthy. Women who move from relationship to relationship in ten seconds do not match up with my style, so they are incompatible. I can be *attracted* to them but understand we won't work out for a LTR/M. Our psychologies are different. Great lesson from my marriage and affair. You're young and perhaps on a different path so you necessarily will follow your path. Hope it works out
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