brena17 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 First things first, I'm sure I'll get some flak for being the other woman, but I accept responsibility--not proud of that. Also, this situation/triangle is between 3 women, but I'll do my best from making it sounding like a bad episode of the L Word. Also it's very long, bear with me! So a couple years ago I meet this couple (we'll call them L and S) at a party while with friends. We all hit it off and exchange contact info (FB, etc.) They live in the next state over so hanging out much after that wasnt an option. Well, S (who is more social than L) and I end up talking occasionally on FB throughout the next year or so. But it turned out we had a lot in common, including a mutual hobby we both love but L is not involved in. It almost happened overnight; S and I began doing things relating to this hobby online together and talking a lot about it. We kind of went from maybe exchanging a few notes on FB a couple days a week to talking for HOURS daily. We just had a pretty crazy instant connection that seemed almost psychic; we even both would joke at how crazy it was at first. I knew this was dangerous, she knew it was dangerous...but neither of us stopped the runaway train. Fast forward a few months. I fall for her, hard. I know the same is happening on her end...and It kind of just keeps snowballing. Then one day she vanishes without a trace...and i repeat we'd probably never missed a day talking or doing hobby-related things for MONTHS. No matter how "busy" we were, we MADE time for each other. So naturally I was crushed, but I knew immediately what had happened pretty much. So I backed off in return, and she eventually came back in a few weeks with some lies about being "busy" with work. I wasn't dumb enough to believe it but took her back anyway. What's the big deal after all...we're "just friends", right? This time it was more intense than ever, and a few more months pass. I actually spend a week vacationing at their house with them...it was part amazing and part torture. At first I thought L might murder me in my sleep, but as my trip went on we actually got along alright and the ultimate twister is I came to really like her quite a bit--she isn't the "enemy" to me. She also really warmed up to me, too. S kind of bounced between us both, it was obvious she had no idea how to handle anything; and the only sense of normalcy we had was when her and I just hung out. She also started discussing her and L's problems with me. Nothing physical happened (though there was some serious tension). Sometime after this trip I finally came clean with my feelings and she admitted she felt the same but was very confused about what to do about it. I can tell she loves L a lot. I can also tell she likes me a lot too. She tells me she is telling L all of this too (and apparently L has known all along S's feelings for me...or some version, at least.) For a little while things were okay, but having feelings being out there and being in the position I was in really started to eat away at me. Our daily "routine" became harder than ever to bear, knowing at the end of the night she slept next to someone else, had sex with someone else, etc. I talked about it with her, that I needed to know where she stood for sure so if I needed to just move on, I could. She was vague about a lot of stuff but went on about being confused because the thought of losing L was painful, but didn't want to lose me either. She also pretty much said point-blank she wanted me to be able to move on and wanted what's best for me and in the same sentence said that she was soooo confused in general. Then gave me "advice" on what to do, all three options of which included not actually moving on. I kind of took that as she was just being a cake eater and said I'd move on assuming we'd never be anything but try being friends. She expressed disappointment in that; but I was steadfast bc I know it's best for ME. The thing is, it's not working. I try NC but am miserable and she is miserable the whole time and within days one of us is crawling back to the other. I try LC but it still makes both of us miserable. When I don't see her around online when I know she "should" be, my mind creates scenarios that make me further miserable (obviously her and L are having endless wild, passionate, emotional sex. ) Sometimes I just go cold and won't talk to her at all for a few days because I just can't even handle her or this whole ****ed up scenario right then. When I remove myself from her like that she gets clingier than ever and there's a lot of grovelling. So I go back and the cycle repeats. I do go out with friends and do my thing and have a good time (and even pretend that I'm doing so even if I am stuck at home, I guess I want to seem less...available?) and that works for seeming like less of a doormat but not for making me feel less terrible. I am just at a wit's end and have never been something so excruciating on my heart pretty much ever. Sometimes I just become really angry and resentful at her, because I feel sometimes like she's just a manioulative bitch getting ego strokes on having two women in love with her. I also know while there may be some element of truth to that, it isn't ALL true. I think she's got a lot of insecurity issues which is probably why she's so terrified of losing either person. No excuse though...continuing to fence-sit and cake-eat IS very selfish and is hurting everyone. I know, I know... so why am I even sticking around? I don't know. And Cause sadly, I'm in love. Even if at this point S probably doesn't deserve me OR L. But she isn't a bad person either, she's just someone who has made some bad choices and has no idea how to fix this hot mess.And I definitely don't. Phew!So that's everything. THoughts?
JustJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Have you actually had any sex with her? Or is this still an EA? Yes, she sounds like a selfish, manipulative c**t. So why would you be in love with such a person? If you know what she is, don't you think you deserve better? You need to woman-up and have some self-respect. Don't take her crumbs, go out and find someone and get the whole pie.
Author brena17 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Haha, nicely said. Your opinion is that of many of my friends..they're sick of her and her selfish BS and what it's putting me through. No, we haven't had sex, through there's definitely been some inappropriate flirtation. She's the type to skirt the lines/boundaries of acceptability EXACTLY but not cross them, because she knows that then she'd be "wrong". So you know, SHE won't label this an EA, we just happen to be REALLY good friends, etc. I know I deserve better, but I can't seem to tear myself away. The connection with her has been unique, like nothing I've ever experienced before. And the sad part is there's quite a few people interested in me, but they just don't compare. I've regressed to being a love-sick idiot. I've never been this way, my friends barely even recognize me this way and they've known me for YEARS. It's all a crazy mess.
JustJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 This is exactly the time to end it and move on. There WILL be others, and you WILL get over her. Trust me on this.
GoingInsane Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 You seem like a nice person who knows what you're doing is wrong. For your own sanity and for the peace of mind for the innocent party in all this (L) you need to put a stop to this. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be and S will finish things with her partner and find you. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I've been in the position of L. She will be doubting her own mind, will be hurt, paranoid, distrusting and her self esteem will be shattered. You were probably invited to stay with them so S could "prove" that you two are just friends. That week will have killed L. She was being nice to you to prove to her cheating partner that she trusts her and believes you just to be friends. You're a better person than that. Walk away with your dignity still in tact. If S wants you, she'll come and get you. But only accept her contact if she has left her partner.
seibert253 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 She's playing you dude. You're having an EA with her and probably don't even realize it. You're meeting that emotional need she's not getting from her SO, for whatever reason. Your relationship with her is bound to crash and burn. When her SO finds out what's going on, trust me eventually he will, she'll throw you under the bus faster than Underdog can fly. NC hurts like sh#t, but there's really no other way to move on and heal. Time and distance my friend. The only true way to heal a broken heart. Getting a new girl also speeds up the process. Peace and Good Luck,
Author brena17 Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 Thanks a lot everyone for your responses. Yeah, in a lot of this I am really starting to feel for L, too. Of course, I've heard all about how immature and selfish L is--and I did see some of it in the week I was there--but I also know it's probably exaggerated. I wish I was at the point where I really could just cut off contact completely. Part of me still hopes to salvage the friendship, because imagining S not in my life in some way is painful. She's really touched my heart and I know EVENTUALLY I could move on from wanting more and truly be a friend. Wouldn't be the first time that's happened. I really don't know if that could work in this situation, though; it's not an issue of that she lacks feelings, so she resists my distancing far more than a REAL just-a-friend would. which, of course, makes it all the more difficult. And siebert she told me she told her girlfriend about our conversations and even about how she felt towards me, that she always has in her relationships. I don't know whether or not it's true, maybe it doesn't matter, but I know L knows it's me S is talking to a lot of the time. It's why I'm surprised it's even allowed to happen; so either S holds all the emotional reigns in that relationship, or they have some weird agreement I don't know about. Who knows.
CCfooty Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Honestly - get out while you still can. It's an EA for sure, whether you can admit it or not. I was LITERALLY in pretty much the EXACT same scenario (I wrote it all out, search my few posts!). The exception in my case was that her girlfriend found out about the "EA" and was NOT okay with it and stopped us from talking for over 1.5 years. There was a lot of inappropriate talking, too much... too much starting to fall for her. We started talking again after they broke up, 1.5 years later... we dated for about a year... and then she did the EXACT same thing to me as she did for her past. I TRULY believed in that INSTANT connection as well. Infact I still do, it's VERY hard to cope with right now for me. The only reason i'm saying all of this is get out of that messy situation while you still can. What starts in chaos, ends in chaos. I'm a FIRM believer that instant connections do mean something though, so I completely understand if you don't want to give up on it... But while she's in a relationship, don't go for it. At all. Don't even think about it. Cut her out and wait until she's had time apart from her current partner and time to figure out what she REALLY wants. You don't just want to be another notch - trust me.
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