addicted2love Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I've been married for 16 years, we have one child 11 yrs old. I've been supporting my unemployed STBXH for the last 2 1/2 years. I encouraged him to go back to school during that time and he finished up a Bachelors Degree and started Law School... The day he got accepted he wrapped his arms around me and with tears in his eyes he said "I never could have done this without you." Two months into Law School his attitude of gratitude changed. He started distancing himself from me. When ever I'd bring up feeling like we were drifting apart he did nothing to reassure me and made no effort to make things better. He would just tell me I couldn't possibly understand what Law School was like. The more I tried to get close to him the more he would ignore me. He spent more and more time at the "library" at school even though I set him up with his own private office at home and purchased a nice executive desk for him as a graduation present. He wouldn't let me meet any of his new law school friends either...which didn't sit well with me. In September the distance got even worse. I started to feel depressed and any time I tried to talk to him he'd turn everything around on me and make it my fault. In October we had a huge fight and he slept in the basement for a month. I started investigating reasons for his behavior...There had to be a reason. I found out he was hiding thousands of dollars in student loan money from me. Knowing full well that we were struggling to make ends meet. Then a week before Thanksgiving I caught him in a hotel with his (female) "study partner". He stated he just needed to "get away from our problems at home." He told me he didn't want to tell me why he was so unhappy because I'd try to fix things. I begged to go to marriage counciling and he flat out refused. He lied and lied and lied some more. She was just a "close friend" that he "confided a lot in". He refused to talk to me for months and now this woman is his confidant? He still hasn't admitted to having an affair with this woman...although he lived with her for a month and spent the holidays with her instead of his own family. He also still refuses to tell me what made him so unhappy that he chose to sabotage our marriage. I have no answers from him. He says I deserve answers yet refuses to give them to me. He has his own apartment now and we split time with our daughter 50/50. He is cold, shows zero emotion, zero remorse and acts as though the last 17 years meant absolutely nothing to him. I don't know this man, he has turned into the most selfish, ungrateful, cold hearted person I've ever known and I have no clue why. Do people really change so much that they make really stupid decisions to mess up their lives and the lives of the people who love them? This man I thought I knew has become a total stranger and I don't know why? Could this woman have control over him? I swear sometimes it's like I'm talking to him and sometimes it's like I'm talking to someone else. I'm so hurt and confused. Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks for reading
Duckduckgoose Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Well you probably don't need any more convincing that he is cheating on you. You do probably need proof to bring it to court and divorce his ass. And yeah, its probably smartest to divorce him. There are a lot of people on this forum that can help you in more detail, but I just decided to give you the nitty gritty. And yes, people really do intentionally mess their lives up like that. My stbxH is living in a basement right now with nothing because he ran out at the first sign of trouble in our relationship, despite my efforts to go to counseling. But not until he blamed me for everything. One of my mom's friend's daughters... she is a well-respected pediatrician, her husband left her out of the blue one day wanting divorce, etc. They were married for several years, together 20 years total. The way she handled it is she now treats him as if he were dead. I guess in a doctor's mind that makes sense. She knows her husband is dead, this new fellow that looks like him is not the same person. I am actually trying to get in contact with her to see how she handled her situation step-by-step and if she would explain it to me.
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) My sympathies.... You might try posting in the infidelity forum for more support and advice. Since he's refused counseling and lives separately, discontinue pursuit and serve him with divorce papers. That kind of direct and unilateral action without notice might shock him into reality. Perhaps the posters in the other forum might be helpful with specifics. Edited to add an older thread, which causes me to wonder what's going on here.... did the OP have an affair with a MM? Edited January 11, 2011 by carhill
You Go Girl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Carhill did his homework, very good. OP, did your H find out about that affair? He might be thinking it is time for you to pay the dues? It seems the disrespect has gone both ways. You would have to both realize this and start treating each other with love and respect. Are the two of you capable? Separately or together? Long overdue for a heart to heart.
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Some marriages aren't worth saving.. two wrongs do not make a right, yet with that said, it seems your H is justifying his affair in his own head due to the fact you had an affair in 2006. When did that affair end? How did you and your H work through your infidelity?
Owl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 This is also not her H's first affair... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=181614&page=2 There doesn't seem to be a history of trust or fidelity here. No strong foundation to build/rebuild from. While I wish the OP the best of luck, I don't see good odds of success. Realistically, her best option at this point would be to hire a good attorney and get the best custody/support she can.
You Go Girl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 More homework from Owl ! One thing is for sure, affairs aside. He has a bad case of GIGS. If you love someone set them free applies.
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