Jazzari Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I've had a male friend for about 20 years. There has always been sexual attraction but we both got married and never acted on it. We stopped talking for the bulk of those years because our respective spouse's (naturally) objected and we respected that. When my husband passed away, my friend was separated from his wife. He lives far away but called me every single night for 3 months straight helping me through it. He was also devastated because his wife cheated on him and we helped each other through it. As time went on and we both recovered we started feeling that attraction again. However at that point his wife returned and we again stopped talking out of respect for her and the fact that he wanted to try and save his marriage. It was hard to lose him, but I got over it. I started dating another man and things are going great. Now my friend is back (divorce is underway) and he wants to get together. I've said no. He is very insistant and wants me to visit him (we've still never seen each other since 20 years ago). His feelings are very strong. I've let him know that is not the case for me, but he thinks I'm going through a phase and will change my mind someday. SO. I think I'm falling in love with the man I'm dating. Yet my friend still calls a few times every week. I've already told him no and he knows I'm dating. But should I tell him of my feelings for this other guy? Do I need to be more firm? Is it wrong to keep him as a friend since he wants more? We've been through hell together and I love him dearly as a friend - but that is all it's ever going to be. I don't want to hurt him. What should I do?
Eddie Edirol Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 It is totally wrong to keep taking his calls when your agenda is friendship and you know his agenda is otherwise. This isnt a friendship and you know it. You have to put your grown up panties on and tell him straight up that you dont see him that way anymore. You know you dont care how hes feeling, you just dont want to deal with the guilt that you will put on yourself. Tell him its not going to happen, youre happy with the man youre seeing, and dont worry about his feelings. He is a grown man, he will deal with it in his own way, not your way. You cant control everything.
Author Jazzari Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 It is totally wrong to keep taking his calls when your agenda is friendship and you know his agenda is otherwise. This isnt a friendship and you know it. You have to put your grown up panties on and tell him straight up that you dont see him that way anymore. You know you dont care how hes feeling, you just dont want to deal with the guilt that you will put on yourself. Tell him its not going to happen, youre happy with the man youre seeing, and dont worry about his feelings. He is a grown man, he will deal with it in his own way, not your way. You cant control everything.But it WAS a friendship for over 20 years. And yes, I did tell him straight up that I don't want to see him that way. Repeatedly. I've been very honest. It feels wrong to throw away 20 years because of his actions for a few months. I care deeply about how he's feeling. The man practically saved my life and has always been there for me. I want to be there for him too. But I can't be there in the way he wants. I also wonder if he's just lonely because his wife left. He will get over it just like I did and then we can be friends again.
jenifer1972 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I wouldn't burn a bridge that is 20 yrs old. Can you not tell him that now the tables are turned, and you are in a relationship, and can he please be respectful like you were to him when he went back to his wife?
Author Jazzari Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 I've decided to tell him how I feel about this other guy. I think I owe him full disclosure. But I'm not going to ask him to stop calling and ignore 20 years because of the actions of a few months. If me and this other guy evolve into a committed relationship, then I will reevaluate if he hasn't gotten over it. I still think (and hope) that he's just lonely because his wife left and will get over this. I miss my friend.
Kinder-Horror Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 He is hurting for a companion now that he is getting divorced - it is understandable. But he is turning to you because 1) the feelings you both have had for one another 2) he was there when you lost your husband 3) he needs someone The problem is that you have someone. When he was trying to reconcile things with his wife, you were respectful and backed off - it is time for him to do the same. If you are going to have any chance with this new guy that you are developing feelings for, he is going to have to step back and leave you to it
alexlakeman Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 You respected his relationship when he was trying to work on the marriage. He's being an as.hole not caring about YOUR relationship now... what a friend.. Tell him "back off, we're just friends, and that's it, I'm working on my own relationship right now"... What if his wife would come back, he'd kick you back to "friends only status?
Author Jazzari Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 You respected his relationship when he was trying to work on the marriage. He's being an as.hole not caring about YOUR relationship now... what a friend.. Tell him "back off, we're just friends, and that's it, I'm working on my own relationship right now"... What if his wife would come back, he'd kick you back to "friends only status?Excellent point. Thank you.
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