He's being unfaithful and insists on staying

[spiderowl]

Have you got any advice or knowledge of UK legal system to help someone I know? Thoughts also apppreciated.

 

My friend has just found out her husband is being unfaithful; in fact, he's fallen for someone else (who is also married). Naturally, she's totally in shock and her world has fallen apart. She has young children, junior school age. He has admitted it and seems sorry, but not sorry. He seems to be clinging to his infatuation with the other woman and is saying one thing (he wants to make it work with his wife) and doing another.

 

My friend is desperately struggling to come to terms with the hurt, deception and knowledge that her life has changed forever. She can't easily talk to friends about the situation as he is in the house. She's got to cope because of the children and is putting on a brave front. After much discussion with him and nights of tears alone in the spare room, she has come to the conclusion he must leave the house. He is asserting his right to be there. She feels she cannot come to terms with this and start to cope with the support of friends until he has moved out. He is still going out randomly to see the other woman and texting her while my friend is around. His talk is mostly about the other woman and what a nice person she is. Not surprisingly, my friend is finding this unbearable.

 

Does anyone know what rights she has got or have any advice for her as to how to deal with this situation? She could see a lawyer but at the moment she has no idea what her financial position will be now and is afraid of running up bills. Also, simply going out to do that is difficult with her current responsibilities. It seems so unfair that he can just stay in the picture and keep in touch with this other woman in front of her eyes like this without her having some control over this situation.

 

From the sound of it, my friend, who was desperately hoping this would all turn out to be a silly mistake on his part, has decided her husband is in love with another woman and she can no longer continue with him. They are going to counselling, I understand, but my friend is going to get some support, not because she thinks it will work.

Edited January 11, 2011 by spiderowl

[PegNosePete]

I have picked up a bit more knowledge of the UK divorce system than I ever wanted to know, due to going through it!

 

Neither of them can be forced to leave the house unless there is a threat to their physical safety or that of the children. If he is violent or abusive then she should call the police and he can be forced out. But if not, then he has as much right to live there as she does. In fact it would be unwise for either of them to move out: whoever moved out would prejudice themselves financially. If the house is in his name only then she should immediately file a notice of home rights (B94-1) with the land registry. Also make sure she has the necessary paperwork such as marriage certificate, passport etc. Keep them safe, for example at a friend's house.

 

She should immediately file a divorce petition based on unreasonable behaviour. She should not use adultery because this more often than not requires co-operation of her husband, and he sounds like a game-player. All it takes is for him to deny it and the divorce will be halted. Using unreasonable behaviour does not require his co-operation.

 

The financial split has absolutely nothing to do with the reasons for divorce, or either of their behaviour. To work out what the likely financial split would be, we will need more information.

• Their respective ages
  
• The length of the marriage and any pre-marriage co-habitation
  
• The ages of the children, whether they are from the marriage or previous relationships, who would they live with after divorce, and how much time they would spent with the other (if known)
  
• Both their incomes, from employment and benefits, and the size of any pensions
  
• The value of the house and outstanding mortgage, and whether they are in joint names
  
• All major assets, both jointly held and individual (eg. cars)
  
• All liabilities, both joint and individual (eg. credit cards, loans)
  

If you don't feel comfortable putting this information on a public forum then feel free to send me a PM.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your very helpful reply. It's a lot to take in and moreso I expect if you are going through the emotional trauma too. I'll think about what I convey to her.

 

Just one thing, if she files for unreasonable behaviour, wouldn't she have to prove it? And would conducting an affair while being married and living with her amount to unreasonable behaviour under the law?

 

Thanks for mentioning documents; that sounds really important and is probably the last thing you'd think of at a time like this.

 

The whole thing seems so unkind. You'd think the least he would do is to move out and let her come to terms with this in peace.

[worlybear]

Thanks for your very helpful reply. It's a lot to take in and moreso I expect if you are going through the emotional trauma too. I'll think about what I convey to her.

 

Just one thing, if she files for unreasonable behaviour, wouldn't she have to prove it? And would conducting an affair while being married and living with her amount to unreasonable behaviour under the law?

 

Thanks for mentioning documents; that sounds really important and is probably the last thing you'd think of at a time like this.

 

The whole thing seems so unkind. You'd think the least he would do is to move out and let her come to terms with this in peace.

 

You don't have to "prove" unreasonable behaviour. In the words of my solicitor, leaving dirty socks in the middle of the floor can be construed as unreasonable behaviour!

My story is very similar to your friends and the judge granted me decree nisi last year.(Check threads under worlybear.)

Am currently awaiting legal aid (probably take forever)to go to court to finalise money side of things.

Tell your friend to sit tight- and go visit a local solicitor- lots will offer 30 mins free of charge.(Look for legal aid.)

Good luck and keep posting!

[PegNosePete]

Just one thing, if she files for unreasonable behaviour, wouldn't she have to prove it? And would conducting an affair while being married and living with her amount to unreasonable behaviour under the law?

No she doesn't have to prove it as worly said. "Unreasonable" can be quite subjective. Her husband can deny the behaviour if he wants, but it won't stop the divorce progressing (unlike adultery, which does require proof or confession). It is normally recommended to write 5 or 6 different points of unreasonable behaviour. One of these can be an "inappropriate relationship" but she should not use the words adultery or affair, because that would imply an adultery petition. The other points can be any behaviour which she finds unreasonable such as working late, not showing affection, not helping with housework, being mean with money, etc. This is exactly what I did, my nisi is being pronounced today

 

The whole thing seems so unkind. You'd think the least he would do is to move out and let her come to terms with this in peace.

It seems likely that he has taken legal advice or advice from another forum, and that advice has been don't move out. If he did move out he would prejudice himself financially. The finances are totally separate from the legal side of the divorce, so the reasons for the marriage breakdown have no bearing whatsoever on the financial split.

[spiderowl]

Thanks again for replies, they are very enlightening!

 

"The other points can be any behaviour which she finds unreasonable such as working late, not showing affection, not helping with housework, being mean with money, etc."

 

Amazingly, all of these apply, how odd that you should hit on that.

 

Strange that him moving out would prejudice his position. You'd think the law would allow for that to happen to enable the hurt party (or parties) to cope up to divorce. Interesting that you think he's already taken legal advice. I might ask if she thinks he's done that. I don't want to make matters worse but she should consider the possibility if she hasn't already. What a horrible position to be plunged into over the New Year.

[PegNosePete]

Amazingly, all of these apply, how odd that you should hit on that.

Not really that odd; they are the common ones. I think 90% of divorcees could write those things

 

Strange that him moving out would prejudice his position. You'd think the law would allow for that to happen to enable the hurt party (or parties) to cope up to divorce.

The law makes no allowance for feelings or hurt or emotional recovery. Asset splits in the UK are based on needs. Both parties need somewhere to live, and the children's needs come first. By moving somewhere else he has shown that he is not dependent on living in the matrimonial home, and is quite capable of living elsewhere. Whereas your friend who is still living there, can tell the court that she needs to keep the house for her and the children, and therefore may get a better share (maybe even 100%) of the house.

 

Interesting that you think he's already taken legal advice. I might ask if she thinks he's done that. I don't want to make matters worse but she should consider the possibility if she hasn't already. What a horrible position to be plunged into over the New Year.

Well not necessarily legal advice... but advice. Maybe a forum similar to this. Maybe a citizens advice bureau. Maybe friends and family who've gone through similar. I would recommend that your friend does see a solicitor though, many do a free initial consultation which is enough to get some good advice, and to work out whether it's worth taking them on full-time.