nsearch4u Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I dont know what's happened but after months (almost a year) of getting past her affair, our divorce, and time alone the last week has seemed as emotional as the first week i found out about her affair and she moved out. Its been heartbreak all over again for some reason. I've gone out on a couple dates. Go to the gym. Work at home but still get out almost every day at least for coffee/gym/whatever. I see/talk to her almost daily because we have joint custody of 2 awesome babes. We have a pretty amicable relationship as divorced parents of 2. I've just missed her incredibly these last few days and it's so much like when it first happened i dont know whats going on. I wonder if i had someone "steady" if i'd feel this way. I dont think i would but i dont think i'm ready for someone yet.....?... I really thought i was past this. Is this normal? Did i miss something?
KYoung2200 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 It sounds like you might not be ready for something steady if you're back at week one, but it also might not be permanent. If you think you can let someone into your life right now and give them your FULL FOCUS, by all means do so.
Perhaps Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 There's only one Day 1 - and you're past that. This is one of those waves of setbacks - completely brutal yet normal. It'll vanish and eventually fade over time. I would say it may hurt less if you had someone else but I don't think that'd be healthy. You want to deal with the pain head on instead of trying to repress it by replacing it. Best of luck.
Author nsearch4u Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 thanks. i hope its just male hormones...lol....i dont know. its like a switch flipped or something. sitting here now i'm fine, looking forward to a great year. just want it to be with someone. I think when i get too lonely i start wishing she was here. i talked with her on the phone tonight (kid related) and we're as decent to each other as you can possibly be. we keep a very amicable relationship. its almost like being under the influence of something. i'm just ready to find someone that i can build a new life with. i reallly think i just crutch on feelings i've had when i get in the lonley zone.... Thanks again....i appreciate the thoughts....
Duckduckgoose Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Nsearch I am going through a similar situation. H left and we are now in the process of a divorce. I was doing good most of the week, but last night I had to see and deal with a lot of married people. I had to check out early, go home and cry my eyes out. It hurts badly. Part of me wants to heal before I try to find someone else, part of me says that there is no one else that will want me, another part thinks that I will find someone better that will stay with me the rest of my life and be good to me as I am to them. I am just not looking forward to dating again. In fact thinking about dating and all the **** I gotta do and put up with (again) makes me want to retch. Of course another more venegeful side of me really hopes that my stbxH finds someone quickly before he has any time to reflect on how immature he is and that she rips his heart out, or that she is the kind of woman that uses him and sticks him with child support the rest of his life. Only then would he see how much I dealt with from him and how much he really ****ed up. I don't want to think about all the holidays I am going to spend by myself now, or not being able to talk to anyone about my day... give hugs and kisses and make love to (can't make love to pets legally and wouldn't want to anyway). Yeah I paint a dismal picture. Especially with Valentine's Day around the corner... ugh.
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 It's completely normal to have those setback days. As someone else mentioned, there is only ONE day 1, and you're past that. It's hard to reconcile with the holidays upon us because it's a time when we are force fed notions of family and togetherness. Break ups are all about taking a couple of steps forward and then one step back. It's temporary though, it really is. It must be incredibly painful to have to have constant contact because your circumstances demand it because of the children. It's much easier to make a clean break. It's totally okay to date as long as you are honest with yourself and the person/people you date about your circumstances. I dated throughout my separation and divorce- it was a nice distraction, and it helped me to move forward. I didn't get serious with anyone during that time, and I was 100% honest about my situation. There will always be setbacks during the grieving process, it's 100% normal. As much as you think you are back at square one, you aren't. You've probably come a whole lot further than you are giving yourself credit for.
suddendumpee Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I don't know about anyone else, but I wish EVERY day was day one. I was still happily in denial thinking she would call the next day crying and blaming the breakup on her hormones and professing her undying love to me. Day 1 was a piece of cake!
Author nsearch4u Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Nsearch I am going through a similar situation. H left and we are now in the process of a divorce. I was doing good most of the week, but last night I had to see and deal with a lot of married people. I had to check out early, go home and cry my eyes out. It hurts badly. Part of me wants to heal before I try to find someone else, part of me says that there is no one else that will want me, another part thinks that I will find someone better that will stay with me the rest of my life and be good to me as I am to them. I am just not looking forward to dating again. In fact thinking about dating and all the **** I gotta do and put up with (again) makes me want to retch. Of course another more venegeful side of me really hopes that my stbxH finds someone quickly before he has any time to reflect on how immature he is and that she rips his heart out, or that she is the kind of woman that uses him and sticks him with child support the rest of his life. Only then would he see how much I dealt with from him and how much he really ****ed up. I don't want to think about all the holidays I am going to spend by myself now, or not being able to talk to anyone about my day... give hugs and kisses and make love to (can't make love to pets legally and wouldn't want to anyway). Yeah I paint a dismal picture. Especially with Valentine's Day around the corner... ugh. thats as if i wrote it myself. i look at pictures posted on facebook of my friends and their spouses and its like a knife. i watch tv/movies while i work during the day and its surprising what i "cant" watch because of the feelings it brings up. and then, not having anyone to talk to? ugggg....
Author nsearch4u Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 It's completely normal to have those setback days. As someone else mentioned, there is only ONE day 1, and you're past that. It's hard to reconcile with the holidays upon us because it's a time when we are force fed notions of family and togetherness. Break ups are all about taking a couple of steps forward and then one step back. It's temporary though, it really is. It must be incredibly painful to have to have constant contact because your circumstances demand it because of the children. It's much easier to make a clean break. It's totally okay to date as long as you are honest with yourself and the person/people you date about your circumstances. I dated throughout my separation and divorce- it was a nice distraction, and it helped me to move forward. I didn't get serious with anyone during that time, and I was 100% honest about my situation. There will always be setbacks during the grieving process, it's 100% normal. As much as you think you are back at square one, you aren't. You've probably come a whole lot further than you are giving yourself credit for. Thank you. It feels horrible so much lately. maybe its just another step to go up.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 thats as if i wrote it myself. i look at pictures posted on facebook of my friends and their spouses and its like a knife. i watch tv/movies while i work during the day and its surprising what i "cant" watch because of the feelings it brings up. and then, not having anyone to talk to? ugggg.... Nsearch I hope you heal fast... this is gonna be a hard road not just for us, but for many other people... My appetite is coming back though. That is good. I lost a bit too much weight from this and now am having to eat things like Peanut Butter and Chex mix to try and get some muscle back.
abust1 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I've been taking some pretty hefty steps back as well the past week or so, but I feel like it's normal and nowhere near as bad as a few months ago. Nsearch - I don't know about you, but when these emotions hit me a few months ago I could barely move off my couch, at least now I can handle them and do stuff while being miserable. To me that is a HUGE step because the gratification I get from getting things done, anything, I hope is chipping away at my misery. I hope you can find something similar in your progress and realize that there is no way you are going backwards!
Author nsearch4u Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 i was doing really well. i went to the gym every other day. Protein shakes afterwards. I lost weight too and had to try and put some back on. She sent me an email a week ago that read "i was cleaning out my desk and found 4 cards you sent me last year. I realized then that i'll probably never find someone who loved and cared for me the way you did" Then i have to have the communication with her about the kids. Its hard finding that balance of communication. I know her so well and when i talk to her i can tell immediately if she's ok or if something is bothering her. Its hard not to ask "whats wrong?" I've tried doing just text messages or emails but the way it is with the kids and their activities we're almost forced to talk. In the best interest of the kids anyway. Guess i just need to man up and take a deep breath. Maybe do some different things so i'll get some different results. Thanks for everyones input. Duckduckgoose, if you need someone to talk to let me know. I can at least listen. sounds a lot like my situation. You guys are great. Thanks again........
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