Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Hey Guys, I big issue for me was uncovered in my last thread. That's what I find really impossible, with all sexual relationships, not just this one. If being critical, gives them anxiety and makes sex worse, and being appreciative just make them think they are doing everything right. How the hell, are we supposed to communicate what's going wrong in the bedroom? This is where I FAIL completely. Maybe you guys can inform me, how to communicate to improve the sex, rather than either 'keep me mouth shut and suffer in silence' or 'fill him with such anxiety as sex never happens again'. Obviously neither of those options is good, and has meant that great sex for me, has been hit and miss. I get that all guys are different and some are more sensitive and 'can't handle the truth' and others can. But since this problem is all me, there must be somethings that can be approached in a more positive way, but still can the message through.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I responded in the other thread. Didn't realize you were creating a thread just for this. (I wrote more, but the other stuff is more on your last topic.) I think the way to do so is not to place so much 'blame' on it, and not so much importance. This is easier to do if you are overall more satisfied, happier, and more sexually connected/emotionally intimate. I think that's where the sexual compatibility comes in, maybe? Or maybe just intimacy? I've never had sex outside of a LTR where I really liked the guy, so I feel like I was always pretty warm in my communication and adjustments for our sex life. My thoughts. Not that I know that much. This could be an interesting discussion, but this is LS, so who knows how it'll go.
Author Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 I responded in the other thread. Didn't realize you were creating a thread just for this. (I wrote more, but the other stuff is more on your last topic.) My thoughts. Not that I know that much. This could be an interesting discussion, but this is LS, so who knows how it'll go. Thanks Zengirl, I created a general discussion, because this is something i have been challenged with since I first lost my virginity (oh so long ago), and it is something that is worth exploring. It seem I am pretty good at increasing a guys self esteem in every other way, but I suspect I somewhat destroy self esteem in the bedroom, which is obviously not my intent.
Surrealist Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 In the absence of sign language or gesture, you are likely going to have to communicate verbally, which means, things will develop better if you are tactful and polite, as hard as it may be. Maybe you can be as informal about it as possible, so rather than having an arranged discussion about it, maybe drop some hints while either in discussing something else or while having sex so as not to come across as nagging him. Otherwise maybe you need to have that 'talk' and let him know you are not happy with the way things are developing currently, speaking in terms of "It makes me feel this or that" rather than saying "You make me feel like....." That kind of thing. I think you realise that criticism is a poor way of communicating yuor needs so no need to point that out, and besides, you generally win more bees with honey than vinegar. Another thing is that even if you do suggest something and he initially objects or shows resistance, he may well go away and contemplate it, so don't necesarily feel that you have to convince him of your way of thinking right away. It might take a little time and patience as well.
Jynxx Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Stay positive and don't be too subtle with your hints. Before -Let's try something new -You should kiss the pussy more slowly During -put your finger xxxx -oh baby, just a little deeper -moan louder when he does something right After -I was in heaven when you (new behaviour you liked) -I came so hard when you
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Maybe you guys can inform me, how to communicate to improve the sex, rather than either 'keep me mouth shut and suffer in silence' or 'fill him with such anxiety as sex never happens again'. Sex talk outside the bedroom; positive reinforcement inside the bedroom. Use 'I like xxx' and 'It feels good when xxx' and similar statements for talk. Perfection is not expected. Desire is rewarded. It's no different than training a dog
Author Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Thanks Guys, I like the specific examples, and also the reminder about the I statements, reminds me of marriage counselling. I think I need to print out your examples, so I can be reminded regularly. I feel I can do this!
reservoirdog1 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Stay positive and don't be too subtle with your hints. Before -Let's try something new -You should kiss the pussy more slowly During -put your finger xxxx -oh baby, just a little deeper -moan louder when he does something right After -I was in heaven when you (new behaviour you liked) -I came so hard when you Great ideas. The point is to keep it positive. "God, I love it when you do ____." "You know what REALLY feels good?" "I've always been curious about ____." It's not about treating the lacklustre sex life as a couple's "problem" -- it's about approaching it as though it ISN'T a problem, but something that has a lot more possibilities beyond what the two of you have explored so far.
Author Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Ok But I thought of one other thing. It's cool to moan more or say something positive when there is something to notice. But what about in the situation, where I'm putting everything I have into bouncing up and down and moaning etc, and he is lying there, not acting particular moved (and of course he isn't cumming either), what can I possibly do or say at that point to get some more enthusiasm out of him (especially if he was the one asking for the sex).
Author Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Great ideas. The point is to keep it positive. "God, I love it when you do ____." "You know what REALLY feels good?" "I've always been curious about ____." It's not about treating the lacklustre sex life as a couple's "problem" -- it's about approaching it as though it ISN'T a problem, but something that has a lot more possibilities beyond what the two of you have explored so far. Ok this kind of answers the question I just asked....Thanks I have a few ideas now.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Thanks Guys, I like the specific examples, and also the reminder about the I statements, reminds me of marriage counselling. I think I need to print out your examples, so I can be reminded regularly. I feel I can do this! Hey good post. I am learning how to be better at this topic, use to be horrible. I have found that small, kind hints, suggestions go better than bold. -a little softer would feel great -a little harder would really turn me on -a little slower, a little less/more pressure -I like it when you touch me there, that feels good -moan louder and less loud when he does things you like/don't... -thats the spot, right there, don't move, OMG.... If I am having a semi intimate conversation, I might sneak in things subtly, that hopefully will stay in the brain. Like: "last night when you did X, it felt great_I tend to like it better when you go more slowly," etc etc. I will give positive reinforcement about what felt good, followed by, "I tend to like it better when you go more slowly". Instead of saying "I don't like it when" you can turn it into a positive. I like it better when you ____. Does that make sense? I am still learning how to do this, it's not easy, so good luck. Good post, really. I think a lot of people struggle with this stuff.
NoLongerSad Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Ok But I thought of one other thing. It's cool to moan more or say something positive when there is something to notice. But what about in the situation, where I'm putting everything I have into bouncing up and down and moaning etc, and he is lying there, not acting particular moved (and of course he isn't cumming either), what can I possibly do or say at that point to get some more enthusiasm out of him (especially if he was the one asking for the sex). Sounds like you might be expecting extra credit for "effort". Sex don't work that way. Bouncing up and down on him might be uncomfortable for him, did that ever occur to you? Maybe you are twisting his tool in an awkward way with all that bouncing. Maybe the impact of your body bouncing up and down is uncomfortable for him. Maybe he doesn't want to tell you to stop because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You sound REALLY oversensitive about this, almost as if the guy told you what his likes and dislikes were, you'd hold it against him. Most guys like it when you suck them, have you tried that?
Jynxx Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Ok But I thought of one other thing. It's cool to moan more or say something positive when there is something to notice. But what about in the situation, where I'm putting everything I have into bouncing up and down and moaning etc, and he is lying there, not acting particular moved (and of course he isn't cumming either), what can I possibly do or say at that point to get some more enthusiasm out of him (especially if he was the one asking for the sex). Take his hands and put them somewhere on your body. If that doesn't help after 1 or 2 times, slap him in the face. That should give him the message. Just be careful not to be caught up in the situation too much and make it too hard. If after a couple attempts he's still too passive for your likings you might just avoid that position, unless it really is your favorite.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 If he's just lying there, completely unresponsive, something isn't right. I was of the impression men liked to be on the bottom because it freed up their hands. Where are his hands? At any rate, you could move him on top and see what he does with that, if he seems to go flat, or whatever. Also, bouncing and moaning when you don't really mean it. . . what good ever comes of that?
catgotyourtongue Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Hey Guys, I big issue for me was uncovered in my last thread. Maybe you guys can inform me, how to communicate to improve the sex, rather than either 'keep me mouth shut and suffer in silence' or 'fill him with such anxiety as sex never happens again'. Obviously neither of those options is good, and has meant that great sex for me, has been hit and miss. I get that all guys are different and some are more sensitive and 'can't handle the truth' and others can. But since this problem is all me, there must be somethings that can be approached in a more positive way, but still can the message through. BTW does he communicate what he wants, how he wants it, prefers it? Do you have mutual interest in sex? Are you able to please him and he just can't please you to your liking? Some men are just shy, or need time to get comfy, some are just more quiet in bed. Is he willing and happy participant? What's his role? I like to learn about them men I date. I am comfortale giving and like to ask, learn and explore and see what their style is, and their preferences and see if I can meet their needs as well...without going against whatever feelings, values, preferences I have. So I find being a good lover is important in having a mutually satisfying experience. We can't just expect to get good love, lol. I like to be confident I can please my man, before I worry about him pleasing me, then I am more comfy in asking/speaking about what I want, and what works for me. Just curious...where is he in all this? I did not read the other thread, have not read your original so I dont know much...
Author Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 This was supposed to be more of a general thread rather then one about that guy specifically, as I have pretty much lost interest in him. We are pretty sexually incompatible. Most guys like it when you suck them, have you tried that? I would normally do this. It is the one thing I have had the most positive feed back about in the past. And I would especially do it, if I wasn't feeling too horny myself and he was. However with this last guy, his penis is deformed (most likely a botched circumcision). And it is hard not to be constantly aware of how awful it is if it is in my mouth. I can't ignore it, it is just that bad. Take his hands and put them somewhere on your body. If that doesn't help after 1 or 2 times, slap him in the face. That should give him the message. That's a great innovative idea. Also, bouncing and moaning when you don't really mean it. . . what good ever comes of that? I like it at first, but the sensations die for me after the first couple of minutes. His penis is really small. On top has always given me the most sensations, with any man, regardless of his level of enthusiasm. BTW does he communicate what he wants, how he wants it, prefers it? Do you have mutual interest in sex? Are you able to please him and he just can't please you to your liking? Some men are just shy, or need time to get comfy, some are just more quiet in bed. Is he willing and happy participant? What's his role? He doesn't communicate too much. I was aggressive, then I was more subservient another time, and he told me he wanted me to be more aggressive. So maybe if I had added the slapping to the already straddling him, bouncing action. And he said he likes to be the aggressor (but not so much if i am being subservient as we have tried that). He always wanted to talk about sex over the skype, and we had in depth conversations about what i enjoyed, before he had even had sex. And so many conversation even since then he said he would do all this kinky bondage s&m stuff and get me really horny, but not once has he even tried to blindfold me in real life. I get the feeling he thinks about sex alot. And I have seen him get wild once, it was our best sex. So I know he isn't too inhibited. Just curious...where is he in all this? I did not read the other thread, have not read your original so I dont know much... That guy was a 25yr old virgin, who felt his virginity was a burden. He behaved like the perfect boyfirend. I inadvertently developed feelings. We became bf/gf, and he changed. Basically I am just trying to learn from the situation. The sex communication issue is something i have just realised i have always had. So now I want to improve, so if I am lucky enough to meet a man with a larger, less deformed penis, I will be able to get full enjoyment from it.
Jynxx Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Basically I am just trying to learn from the situation. The sex communication issue is something i have just realised i have always had. So now I want to improve, so if I am lucky enough to meet a man with a larger, less deformed penis, I will be able to get full enjoyment from it. Well if you ever happen to be in Europe...
Author Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Well if you ever happen to be in Europe... Thanks, I will keep you apprised of my travel plans.
Surrealist Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Hold on. Hold on! HOLD ON!!! And I don't mean hold on to his....... ahem, penis! Now this is some new information Titania you haven't hitherto shared with us. Remember, we're all family here. So your bf has a 'small' and 'deformed' penis? I don't know whether to laugh my ass off or feel embarrassed for this poor chap, lol. Seriously, he may well have issues with his small and deformed penis which makes him feel like he has a small and deformed penis and therefore is embarrassed and shy because of his small and deformed penis. His small and deformed penis may at least partially explain his odd sexual behaviors?
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I must confess ... I, too, have a prurient interest in this "small and deformed penis." Can you give a more elaborate description, please? Or provide an illustration?
ComeUndone Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 It takes a little time to get to know the other persons sexual needs and desires. The first sexual encounter with someone new might be really, reaaally good, but part of that is the excitement of the moment. It's not a given that either will be multi-orgasmic the first time, contrary to what movies portray. That being said, unless they are macho know-it-alls, men like direction in the bedroom. They like instruction, not military-style (well, maybe some men ) but coaching. Tell him what you like, what to do to you... tell him how fast, talk to him, and guide him with your hands. He won't automatically know what you like, so tell him.
ComeUndone Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I must confess ... I, too, have a prurient interest in this "small and deformed penis." Can you give a more elaborate description, please? Or provide an illustration? Hehe, gotta admit that I was curious too
Author Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 His frenulum is really tight and bulges out along the length of the underside of his penis, and he has a round lump around an inch in diameter on the top side, which is probably a fat deposit. So he isn't like the elephant man down there or anything, but it's not great. And comeundone, we are not talking the first or second time we had sex. We had sex maybe 6 times before he was my bf, and he improved leaps and bounds with each time. I was happily shocked by how quickly he was picking it up, even more so considering his limitations. I think his communication skills took a nose dive after we were bf/gf, and the sex is just one sideeffect of that. Surrealist, I know for a fact that he wasn't even aware that is penis was anything out of the usual, until I accidently (untactfully) asked him about it during a very unpleasant skype conversation (during that period when he was on the attack with the third degree about everything). Which is sort of the point of this thread, so I can avoid such fopars in the future. On the bright side I never mentioned his lack of size.
OceanGirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I gotta say Titania you are a better woman than I am. If I ever came across what you just described, I would be out of there You can do better girl!
Surrealist Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Surrealist, I know for a fact that he wasn't even aware that is penis was anything out of the usual, until I accidently (untactfully) asked him about it during a very unpleasant skype conversation (during that period when he was on the attack with the third degree about everything). Which is sort of the point of this thread, so I can avoid such fopars in the future. On the bright side I never mentioned his lack of size. Ouch, when I read that I honestly actually grimaced. Oh dear, this may be something he will bear in mind for quite a while, and contrary to popular opinion, guys can actually use sex, specifically withholding it, as a kind of punishment. Hopefully he has either forgotten or forgiven should the sex resume normalcy again.
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