Is this relationship salvageable regardless of her lingering mental health issues?

[Rayke]

So my girlfriend broke up with me a month (and four days) ago. We dated for 6 months, and were in a committed/serious relationship for 3 months (9 months total).*

 

We were in love with each other. I don't doubt that at all. I have been in plenty of relationships in the past but this was the first one where I knew that I was completely in love.

 

The problem was that she has serious metal health issues that I have never had any problems dealing with. She's clinically depressed, has insomnia, was just diagnosed as bipolar, and thinks of herself as codependent (I know, I should never be hopeful about anything with someone like that, but the heart wants what the heart wants, ya'know?).

 

She told me when she dumped me that she needed to just be alone for a while to work on her issues and be able to make decisions without having to account for another person, and that the breakup needed to be permanent. I was very upset.

 

I got her to meet me just two days after the break at our favorite bar. She told me she was still in love with me and that breaking up with me was the hardest thing she had ever done. She felt like she was becoming codependent on me. But then she kissed me a lot, freaked out, and ran away crying. We talked on the phone later and she apologized, but asked me to not have sex with her, even if she throws herself at me. I agreed, even as selfish as that was on her part.

 

Also, she's admitting herself into an outpatient daytime (4 hours a day) mental health treatment facility soon. I assumed that she wanted to do this alone and that was part of her reasoning for the breakup.

 

There were a few more (2) encounters that week of me basically doing everything that I wasn't supposed to be doing (desperation, trying to get her to take me back) before we finally agreed to a week of no contact. I know a week isn't long, but, I didn't think I could handle anything longer than that.

 

We hung out (as "friends") after a week. Similar situation. She assured me that*nothing was my fault and that I was the best guy she has ever had, and then she *said that she needed to leave because she *wanted* to kiss me.

 

Another week went by before we were able to see *each other again. This time, she was very manic. She was bubbly and dressed up and told me about all the stuff that she had been doing lately, and that she had been sleeping with her best friend (who is also a girl. They had previously hooked up a number of times before we dated. I never had a problem with this and encouraged her to do it even when we were dating. I found it oddly attractive). I didn't really have a problem with this because I knew that there were no "serious" feeling between the two of them, and I had been hooking up with random girls as well so that would kind of a double standard. I'd much rather her be with her girl-friend than some random dudes she meets at a bar.

 

We had New Years Eve plans before the breakup and decided to keep them. We kissed at midnight and then cuddled on the couch at her apartment. Questions about the relationship came up at the end (on my part). I told her to be careful about continually sleeping with and hanging out with her best friend because I didn't want her to become codependent on her as well. And at one point in the conversation she prefaced a sentence with "If we got back together", which was huge for me seeing how less than a month ago it was "permanent".

 

After that it got kind of weird. She was pretty distant and made no attempt to contact me. I finally texted her to make plans and she obliged. But then an HOUR before I was supposed to meet her, she texted me saying that she felt very manic and wanted to go out with her girl-friend instead. I was pissed. This was the first time I had been angry about the whole situation.

 

Two days later she called. Apologizing for blowing me off and she opened up to me about what's going on her head and told me all about a huge conversation she had with her mom about her issues. We agreed to go to a comedy show NEXT Saturday (I'm a comic and she always loved going to shows with me), and there's a possibility that we're hanging out Wednesday this week.

 

A few more notes: When I said that she was being "distant", she was basically being very short with me and rejecting my attempts to see her. I genuinely enjoy spending time with her, even if I don't get to kiss her/touch her/etc. She's an amazing person.

 

Before the breakup, we basically spent every day together for the last six months. We told each other multiple times daily that we loved each other and if we didn't see each other, we would call two or three times. Some people may think that is excessive/obsessive but I absolutely love talking to her and the amazing conversations we had.

 

Her "problems" caused a few small arguments in the relationship, but nothing huge. Mostly, her insomnia made it difficult for us to stay at each others place. And she keeps talking about how fat she is even though she's like 120lbs, and one of the skinniest girls I've ever seen. Sometimes I would get frustrated with her lack of ability to see herself as beautiful and that led to some heated discussions.

 

At one point in one of our post-breakup discussions, she said something like "You're too good to me. My husband is going to be very jealous of you one day". That hurt A LOT.

 

She was with her ex for over a year and he was verbally abusive and very jealous towards her. She still loved him and kept loving him until he cheated on her and caused her to try and kill herself. In hindsight, I definitely didn't give her enough time to recover from that before we got involved.

 

All of our friends have told me that she had nothing but great things to say about me and that I was such a better boyfriend than her ex.

 

I'm not sure how to play my cards when I see her this week. My plan is to just be "cool, funny guy" and just not bring up anything pertaining to the relationship. I just hope she doesn't read that as me being over her.*

 

Any tips/suggestions/insights?

 

Sorry for the wall of text, and, thanks *for potentially helping me...

[Weekender]

Hi Rayke,

 

You seem very sincere and honest so I will do my best to give you my observation. You said she was in a bad relationship before and it sounds, by some of the comments that she made to you, that she has pretty low self esteem. She may not know what to make of a good guy like yourself. But it also sounds like she is up and down alot and bringing you up and down with her.

 

The comment about you making her husband jealous though really stood out. It is my impression that she is slowly making you the best friend and not a future partner. I'll let others comment on whether they agree with this or not. Just my opinion. Like I said, she may not know what to do with a nice guy and may fear that you will turn out to be like the ex and is positioning you in the role of best friend to avoid any disappointment or hurt, but a role where you will still be in her life.

 

Whatever your role is, I think the up and down emotional ride will continue.

 

Or do you think she was testing you for a reaction with the future husband comment?

[lovekills]

So its quite obvious that you have the 'Knight in shining armor' syndrome as I did. You see a girl who is so messed up, has a somewhat sorted past and that you fell for and you want to be with her for your own selfish reasons. She has told you what she wants so you need to listen. She wants to be alone to work things out in her head, i've heard this exact thing from my ex, its basically a b.s. excuse used by people who don't really want to be around you. My ex suffers from what I am quite certain is borderline personality disorder, she is on anti anxiety and anti depressants, used to do cocaine and also was molested by her father at a young age. She goes from periods of being semi happy to super depressed questioning where she is going in life and being super stressed because she would rather go home after work and sleep than to address her bills and creditors knocking down her door.

 

The point is do you really want someone that you have to take care of and 'deal' with? You have to deal with this girls mental issues, i know you love her i know you want to be her beacon of light, the one who pulls her from the fire but you can't. Since you or I don't have any (clear) mental issues its not that easy for us to identify with someone who struggles with these issues. We think we are dealing with a normal person when in actuality we are dealing with someone who is barely functioning. You are on a rollercoaster of love here brother and eventually the ride will end and you will both get off and she will get right back on another one, the question is do you wish to keep riding the same rollercoaster with this girl.

 

I think it will only get worse as she gets older and her flip flopping is an indicator that she is slowly putting you in the friend zone, as well as the jerk-off comment. My ex said something to me once when we both walked up to her door and there were flowers that I had delivered "I hope these are from you otherwise this is going to be awkward" - who the hell says that? Its along the same lines of what was said to you.

 

Women are different than men in the regard that they will hold on to what is familiar to them for as long as possible until something new comes long that they are comfortable with, you are familiar which is why she keeps coming back and why she keeps accepting your invitations to do this that and the other.

 

I would honestly give her space and forget about this girl, i know its so much easier said than done and we as men are so damn stubborn but I don't see a future with you and here, honestly.

[Cee]

I would leave her be. Dealing with bipolar is very difficult and it sounds like she is sincerely trying to get help. Her asking for space because of her codependency is a very mature choice.

 

One thing about bipolar is that people try to medicate the roller coaster emotions with alcohol, substances, food, and people. At least that's what I did. It wasn't until I stopped focusing on men and on myself that I got a lot better. Bipolar disorder is no joke- it's a lifelong battle. I am one of the highest functioning bipolars around, but I have to admit, I feel like I'm treading water a lot of the time.

 

I know this hurts, but by establishing rigid boundaries of no sex, no romance will you both get a chance to heal and grow.

[sueshe]

Dump her completely and right now!!. she is a possible Narcissist (NPD) and narcissists are totally devoid of caring for anyone else but themselves ( Good book: Narcissistic Lovers ), plus a whole host of other psychological issues. She doesn't care about you. Only cares about what she can get from you emotionally or otherwise and as soon as you truely stop giving she will disappear...not to say that she won't try a couple of times to reach you cuz it feeds her ego when you reply no matter what the reply is. Follow the NO CONTACT rule and ignore her entirely. It will be VERY painful for you and you will find yourself thinking about her quite a bit but time heals all wounds so eventually you will feel better, especially when you meet someone who is healthy. Also, at some point you should break yourself down and try to get to the bottom of why you are attracted to takers. Real eye opening if you can figure it out but also empowering. Remember, you chose her and choices aren't made by mistake.