Ktulu2k Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 A very confusing situation, so confusing in fact that I'm not sure which forum this belongs in! Apologies for the long story but anybody who reads the lot and can offer any advice is a saint in my books --- I've known this girl for about 5 years. We always got on really well and had a definite chemistry, although nothing ever happened because she had a long term boyfriend since she was 17. We lost touch for a while but she suddenly reappeared in my life last Halloween. She told me that she'd split up with her boyfriend and was striking out on her own for the first time in her life. I started seeing her more regularly and we got on really well. After a couple of dates we slept together, which is something I think we both wanted for a long time. Afterwards we were honest with each other. She told me that the last thing she wanted right now was a boyfriend doting on her. She'd felt her whole life that she needed somebody to look after her but for the first time she wanted to prove to herself that that wasn't true. She needed time to be alone and to look after herself. Respecting that I tried to keep my distance somewhat. I didn't want to put any pressure on her, but I made clear my romantic intentions and let her know that I would be there for her when she needed me. I didn't see her at all over the Christmas period, the next time I saw her was a couple of days ago. We were never an item so I was somewhat expecting her to have had a fling or two in the meantime, and I had the patience to let her be free and single since that's what she needed. But what she told me shocked me and left me deeply upset. She told me how a couple of weeks after we last saw each other she'd started seeing somebody else. A guy she met at work who doted on her, told her how much he loved her and within days was putting pressure on her to move in with him. She told me he was so intense that it scared her, because that's exactly what she was trying to avoid, but she lives for the moment and let herself get swept away somewhat. He even said that he wanted her to have his children, and in the middle of December (probably after a couple of drinks) they had unprotected sex several times. Now she is 3 weeks late on her period and terrified that she is pregnant. On the one hand I'm sad for selfish reasons, that for the past few weeks I have been thinking about her and trying to do the right thing, while she has been seeing some other guy. I'm annoyed at this guy for not respecting her body and for clearly not understanding what it is that she wants right now. I'm sad because if she is pregnant then that surely means we will never be together. On the other hand I'm sad for her. She's wound up in an awful situation, where somehow exactly what she didn't want is what she's now got. She's had a troubled upbringing, with an absent father and broken family. She's suffered from eating disorders on and off her whole life and is a very vulnerable person. (As an example this is why she split up with her long term boyfriend: At age 17, with all sorts of family trouble she turned to him and asked him to look after her. He did so for 5 years, though the relationship was never perfect. That was until last summer when she found out a horrible secret about her family. I won't go into detail but will say that it was awful and she was very upset. When she told her boyfriend though he wasn't interested, he was too busy with work. She told me that for several nights she lay in bed next to him crying and shaking with fear, but not once did he try to comfort her. That's when she realized that he'd stopped looking after her and that she needed to start looking after herself.) I think what most upsets me is how you can do what you think is the right thing for somebody, only to wind up not getting what you want in the end. I'm not quite sure what my question is, I guess it's what should I do? Am I a fool for still hoping there's a chance for us? Have I been a fool for not pursuing her from the start? I understand that the main concern right now has to be for her well being, but how do I make it clear to her that this guy she's been seeing is exactly what she doesn't need right now? Thanks for any help Rob
Author Ktulu2k Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Thanks for the honesty - and the insult - but that really doesn't help. Regardless of anything else she's a friend of several years and she might be pregnant, I've no plans to abandon her right now.
fishtaco Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Haha, sorry, but I already predicted the story when I was half way into it. You were a convenient bang, and nothing more. You have deeper feelings for her, she doesn't have the same thing for you. She'll come to you when she needs something, and once that something is fulfilled, she'll run off with the next dude that strikes her fancy. The guy didn't force her into anything. This is what she wanted. She's complaining about him to get you all riled up and be on her side. She's playing the victim. Oh, and playing the white knight is the worst thing you can do. You will not earn her romantic feelings, you'll just get used. But she'll love you like a BFF while banging the next guy, who will get her pregnant with her next kid, until her whirlwind life spins her around and she'll forget you even exist until she needs you again in the future. If you want to be a friend, that's fine. Give her advice. But it's up to her to dig herself out of her situation. And this kid is the guy's problem, not yours. Yes you are a fool for even wanting a chance with this chick. She's trouble. Maybe after 20 years, she matures and settles down and figures out her place in life. Then she might be someone you can consider. But the good news is you did exactly what you should have done. You had fun with her, you had sex with her, you didn't knock her up. Good job. Like I said, be a friend if you like, but don't invest anything, because you won't be getting anything back.
Jazzari Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I think the girl was vulnerable and the guy took advantage of that. She made a mistake that she may have to pay for the rest of her life. I don't think that makes her a bad person but it doesn't sound like she's a very strong one. I think you need to find out where you stand with her. Sitting down and asking her feelings for both you and this other guy might be a good idea. And then decide what you are willing to be in return.
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I think the girl was vulnerable and the guy took advantage of that. She made a mistake that she may have to pay for the rest of her life. I don't think that makes her a bad person but it doesn't sound like she's a very strong one. Her mistake was not being on birth control. She is wanting this. And trying to pin it on this poor sap. DNA test immediately. No if's and's or buts. Do it tomorrow.
Jazzari Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 How is she trying to pin it on the OP? She already said it was this other's guys. If she was trying to pin it on the OP, she would never have even mentioned him. ????
SmileFace Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Her mistake was not being on birth control. She is wanting this. And trying to pin it on this poor sap. DNA test immediately. No if's and's or buts. Do it tomorrow. What? I am pretty sure that these are two ADULTS who agreed to sex with each other. If she is pregnant -- It is as much his mistake as it is hers. SIGH...
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 How is she trying to pin it on the OP? She already said it was this other's guys. If she was trying to pin it on the OP, she would never have even mentioned him. ???? She is weighing her options probably. Which can carry eighteen years of financial burden.
Allisha Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Thanks for the honesty - and the insult - but that really doesn't help. Regardless of anything else she's a friend of several years and she might be pregnant, I've no plans to abandon her right now. Well I agree with the poster you're replying to. You were used. What kind of "friend of many years" does that? And it does help. He's pretty much saying you SHOULD abandon her. but typically, you won't accept it as advice because it's not what you want to hear. Why even bother posting?
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 What? I am pretty sure that these are two ADULTS who agreed to sex with each other. If she is pregnant -- It is as much his mistake as it is hers. SIGH... Oh, no question. His dumb ass should have had on a jimmy hat. He is a ****ing idiot for that. But, she was not on birth control. Why would she not be on birth control? She wanted a baby. If she did not want a baby it would have been prevented regardless of who it might have been.
SmileFace Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Oh, no question. His dumb ass should have had on a jimmy hat. He is a ****ing idiot for that. But, she was not on birth control. Why would she not be on birth control? She wanted a baby. If she did not want a baby it would have been prevented regardless of who it might have been. **** ,I really can't even disagree.Yet I won't say she is pinning him. Him having sex with her without a condom will also mean he wanted a baby. So - for all we know he is pinning her.
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 **** ,I really can't even disagree.Yet I won't say she is pinning him. Him having sex with her without a condom will also mean he wanted a baby. So - for all we know he is pinning her. Men can't get pregnant.
SmileFace Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Men can't get pregnant. That doesn't mean it will be any less of his child
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I guess it's what should I do? Step back and let her do what she intended, that being to make it on her own, meaning make her own decisions independent of your input Am I a fool for still hoping there's a chance for us? Have I been a fool for not pursuing her from the start? Fool? No. Misguided and young? Sure. No worries. This is normal. You're getting some great life lessons now. You didn't mention whether you/she used BC when you had sex with her. No, if not, you see why you should, in all future encounters with women. Be proactive about that. I understand that the main concern right now has to be for her well being, but how do I make it clear to her that this guy she's been seeing is exactly what she doesn't need right now? You don't. She's an adult. She has made decisions and now she will experience the consequences of those decisions. You learned a really good lesson about young women who come from difficult family backgrounds. Your instinct is to save them; if you love them enough, they'll make it and love you back. See how that worked out? Instead, look for a healthy young lady from a stable family background and who is single when you meet her. It will work out a lot better. You may have to ask out numerous ones before you find mutual attraction but that's OK. As you can see, sometimes it's better to be alone than in this 'situation'. Welcome to LS
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Afterwards we were honest with each other. She told me that the last thing she wanted right now was a boyfriend doting on her. She'd felt her whole life that she needed somebody to look after her but for the first time she wanted to prove to herself that that wasn't true. She needed time to be alone and to look after herself. She sounds very confused, and also not as into you as you are into her. Either way, she sounds like she's right about one thing -- she's in a bad place for a LTR with you. Sleeping together probably made it all confusing for both of you. She told me how a couple of weeks after we last saw each other she'd started seeing somebody else. A guy she met at work who doted on her, told her how much he loved her and within days was putting pressure on her to move in with him. She told me he was so intense that it scared her, because that's exactly what she was trying to avoid, but she lives for the moment and let herself get swept away somewhat. People who live for the moment too much, that they get swept away, don't always make the world's best partners. But I understand the allure. Good on you for seeming to try to adjust to this news in an emotionally healthy way, but don't brush past it. I'm sure it shocked and hurt you, because, well, it's hurtful to you. I'm not saying she meant to hurt you, but she certainly didn't avoid it AND she told you about it. Perhaps needlessly. Because she wanted the emotional comfort. Whether she realizes it or not -- and she sounds like a very lost and confused girl, so it may not be that she's trying to be a horrible person -- she's using you, and it's not doing you much good. Now she is 3 weeks late on her period and terrified that she is pregnant. Has she taken a pregnancy test? At that point, the OTC ones should be pretty accurate. On the one hand I'm sad for selfish reasons, that for the past few weeks I have been thinking about her and trying to do the right thing, while she has been seeing some other guy. I'm annoyed at this guy for not respecting her body and for clearly not understanding what it is that she wants right now. I'm sad because if she is pregnant then that surely means we will never be together. Understandable feelings. On the other hand I'm sad for her. She's wound up in an awful situation, where somehow exactly what she didn't want is what she's now got. She's had a troubled upbringing, with an absent father and broken family. She's suffered from eating disorders on and off her whole life and is a very vulnerable person. Very empathetic of you. I'm not quite sure what my question is, I guess it's what should I do? Nothing. Honestly, there is nothing you can do to fix this, for her or for you. I'm sorry to say this, but it's the best advice I can give. If honestly you still want to be her friend -- even if she were pregnant with someone else's child and there were no chance for you ever -- and keep in touch, you can, but I suggest pulling WAY back, at least for awhile. For your own sake.
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 That doesn't mean it will be any less of his child True, but the onus is on the female. Men can't get preggers, women can. Women that do not want a baby use birth control to prevent it. Those that do not us it, want a baby.
Jazzari Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 True, but the onus is on the female. Men can't get preggers, women can. Women that do not want a baby use birth control to prevent it. Those that do not us it, want a baby.Unless you are young, stupid and drunk. If everyone woman that didn't use birth control wanted a baby, there would be a lot less abortions.
fishtaco Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 True, but the onus is on the female. Men can't get preggers, women can. Women that do not want a baby use birth control to prevent it. Those that do not us it, want a baby. I have to say I agree with this 100%. Some women "SAY" they don't want a baby, but they do everything in their power to get pregnant. Not everyone is in tune with what they truly want. Judge by action.
SmileFace Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 So men who stick it in raw are not doing everything in their power to have a child. This has to be the most one sided crap I have ever read.
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Unless you are young, stupid and drunk. If everyone woman that didn't use birth control wanted a baby, there would be a lot less abortions. Why else would a women not using birth control, have sex if they did not understand the risk of getting pregnant? Of course they understand that. Think about it.
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 So men who stick it in raw are not doing everything in their power to have a child. This has to be the most one sided crap I have ever read. The women can easily say, no glove no love. Get the **** out.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 True, but the onus is on the female. Men can't get preggers, women can. Women that do not want a baby use birth control to prevent it. Those that do not us it, want a baby. Oh, get off it. Men can buy condoms. Hormonal birth control is a big decision. There have been plenty of times I haven't used the pill, for my own health, and been having sex. Hence all the myriad of other ways -- that men and women can use -- to not get pregnant. This girl sounds messed up. The dude who may have knocked her up sounds messed up. Everybody has problems. But there's no reason to think this woman wanted to get pregnant just because she wasn't on hormonal birth control.
Jazzari Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Why else would a women not using birth control, have sex if they did not understand the risk of getting pregnant? Of course they understand that. Think about it.You are saying that girls deliberately get pregnant and then get an abortion?
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Oh, get off it. Men can buy condoms. Hormonal birth control is a big decision. There have been plenty of times I haven't used the pill, for my own health, and been having sex. Hence all the myriad of other ways -- that men and women can use -- to not get pregnant. No, you get off it. Women have over a dozen methods of birth control. Men have one...ok two. Snip.
AverageJoe Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 You are saying that girls deliberately get pregnant and then get an abortion? I never said that. wtf?
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