OOReeee Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 So yes, it was a tough break up, because she just changed all of a sudden. And I realized that although she was a crappy gf by the end of our relationship, she is still a pretty cool person, and one I had a good time hanging out with. So I e-mailed her 3 days ago (3 days after we broke up), saying that although we are no longer together, I'd like to be friends and also to support her in the big change she is going through (where the need to "be by herself" was one of the main reasons we broke up). This is the second day we've been talking. It hasn't been easy but I don't think that going NC would have been any easier. Did any of you experience that? how did it go?
poorguy Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Dude your crazy!!! It's impossible to be friend if you still have feelings. No way no how...I mean maybe after a year or so yes but being her fiend is going to prolong everything and make you look terrible and be a doormat
Karma20 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 You're never going to move on and find someone else, you're feelings are just going to linger for her. You need to cut contact heal and then think about being friends.
suddendumpee Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 From a comment I made in another thread: I'm starting to think 90% of the reasons people give for breaking up are lies. "I need to be on my own" followed by "No, there's not somebody else" almost CERTAINLY means: "I screwed a dude last weekend and it felt really good and sex was new and exciting again. I now know that he wants more than a one-night stand, and having learned this, I'm leaving you now to go have sex with this new guy until it gets boring, and realize that this new relationship is very empty. Then I will attempt to get you to date me again until I cheat on you with another douche-bag who wants more than a one-night stand. I plan on doing this until I suck the life out of your ego AND give you herpes" Now you know why they lie....
Leandro Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Dude your crazy!!! It's impossible to be friend if you still have feelings. No way no how...I mean maybe after a year or so yes but being her fiend is going to prolong everything and make you look terrible and be a doormat I agree with poorguy all the way.
DellPickle Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 It always sounds easier in theory, but much harder to do in practice.
Ajax Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I'll jump on board and agree that this is not a good idea. It's way way way too soon for you to consider being friends. I still love my ex to pieces and hope that someday we can be in each others lives, but for me it's still way to soon for that, and it's been almost five months. It seems like your ex just ended things very recently. Give yourself some time. If she needs to be by herself let her be by herself. You can't wait around hoping she'll come back or easing her out of the relationship. Just disappear.
Jake99 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 From a comment I made in another thread: I'm starting to think 90% of the reasons people give for breaking up are lies. "I need to be on my own" followed by "No, there's not somebody else" almost CERTAINLY means: "I screwed a dude last weekend and it felt really good and sex was new and exciting again. I now know that he wants more than a one-night stand, and having learned this, I'm leaving you now to go have sex with this new guy until it gets boring, and realize that this new relationship is very empty. Then I will attempt to get you to date me again until I cheat on you with another douche-bag who wants more than a one-night stand. I plan on doing this until I suck the life out of your ego AND give you herpes" Now you know why they lie.... HAHAHAHA!!! So true! Do you know my ex? 'cause that about sums up the way things are in my world with her! So glad to be me and working things out on my own. When my ex dumped me she lost all rights to being in my life even as an aquaintance nevermind friend!
Lemontang Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Dude no way! You need to switch off, have some self respect. It's funny as my GF and I discussed this about ex's last night about how on breaking up it's good to go NC for awhile so both parties can heal properly (we have pretty good D&M's). I'm friends with most of my ex's but I will tell you I took time out with all of them before I even considered going down the friends road. If you harbor feelings for them as more than just friends then you need to switch off again and only try to reconnect with them when your happy just being friends and can accept that they themselves have moved on. Sometimes it can take months other times years. If you become friends too early you'll only hurt yourself more down the track when she dumps you as a friend to focus on another guy. You need to remember she's already checked out of the relationship and being friends now will only alleviate any guilt she has breaking up with you.
WTRanger Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Bad idea. This is sort of like taking a laxative with a stool hardener. Eventually, one will give way to something awful. You can't be friends right now. Friends help other friends through new relationships. Are you ready to hear about the awesome new man she has or how awesome her new single life is? A life without you in it, by the way. How about that really cute DJ she made out with all night? That's the kind of stuff you tell friends. Answering no by now? Then you can't be friends. For what it's worth, she didn't change over night. She changed a long time ago, or was the same person all along. You just didn't see it until now.
0hpenelope Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 If you feel that you're ready in every sense of the word, good luck. Yes, other posters have made a friendship with their ex work. Seriously man, good luck.
lostanddazed Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 My girl gave me the she needs to be alone speech 2 months ago... i. That time she was banging me and another Guy... drop this girl while you can man. Its bad news
donovant91 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I stayed in contact with my girlfriend. She drastically changed and broke up with me for someone else, but I needed it to solidify my perceptions of her. After about a week though, I became sick of hearing about her and her new boyfriend since she lacks a self identity. I haven't talked to her for awhile now, without any real desire because I now see what kind of person she is and I don't really want anything to do with her.
Trovador Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I tried it, until just some days ago... I can't recommend this path to anybody, even if he or she is free of feelings for the other party... My ex and I were more than friends but less than sweeties, something like sweeties without benefits, but for all purposes we were or seemed a couple... but I resented wasting too much time because of her, you know, she called me a dozen of times a day and we saw each other almost everyday... But besides time, what I resented most was that I missed some chances to know better some other girls; for example, in our company Christmas party (we are coworkers) my ex and I stayed together all the time, we ate, danced and did everything but going to the bathroom together, while two other girls I had my eye on were expecting I talked to them and danced with them... hell of a friend I got isn't it? Too much time and words wasted, and for what? For being just friends, even when I didn't want something more? Even so, it hurted when she talked about marriage or her future kids (she didn't include me in the picture btw) and it bothered me a lot when she made me feel used because, you know, we are friends, and friends do favors to each other but when you were an item, you can't avoid the feeling of being taken advantage of... And this is by no means a bad scenario, I can't even imagine how it would be if she had been a total b*** or she had been seeing another guy... In sum, in my experience, is not worth, let friendship to real friends...
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 It's not healthy to be friends with an ex so soon after a break up- it's simply pouring salt into your wounds.
Author OOReeee Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 You guys are right, it is harder than I imagined. I just had bad experiences with NC as well. I guess that as long as I do not initiate any contact but at the same time am not fully ignoring her (as I did in the past), I'll be able to somehow survive this. At the same time, I really am concerned about her, she is screwing her health with her eating (or lack thereof) lifestyle and I feel like I am pretty much the only normal person connected to her life.
suddendumpee Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Save yourself brother. Don't worry about her and DEFINITELY don't be her enabler! Haven't you ever seen intervention? She's a big girl. Don't justify your weak "I need to be there for her" actions with this s**t. I know you think you are doing her a favor, but you are really being selfish. You are being there for her for your own SELFISH reasons and for nothing more. Meanwhile, she gets to have her cake and eat it too. Have some self respect. Walk away. And when she contact you. DON'T ANSWER! Make her realize what life is like without you. Not for days, not for weeks, but for months, or years! Otherwise, take my word, she will be gone forever and you will be destroyed. Run away fast, and if she uses the eating disorder sympathy card, run even faster and call her parents if you are truly concerned for her health!
pieturli Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I gotta agree with most people here, trying to be friends so soon after a break up is very, very difficult, if not impossible altogether. I know for a fact that you can become friends with your ex later on, but you HAVE to get over them first. I'd suggest NC until it blows over. (Obviously if there is some kind of emergency that sort of changes, but like suddendumpee said, you could always call her parents)
Author OOReeee Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 You guys are right. We can't be friends, though the temptation is so difficult. She sent me a message today via Gmail Chat, I responded but very dry. I don't know if I truly can ignore her, I don't want to be her savior or something but I guess that not initiating conversation is the most I can do right now.
SDA Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 You'll come to realize that you can't and will stop talking to her in all forms.
deadhead88 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 DON'T DO IT!!!!! I know it's hard not having her in your life at all, but the heartache and pain that comes with it aren't worth it. I started talking to my ex again after a while of nc only to find out through some pictures that she's with some dude, ouch. That showed me that i'm still not ready to be her friend, especially when she's with some guy. Don't be like me, and find out stuff like that. It's way too painful. It's back to nc. I can't have her in my life or give the her any of my time and energy because she's with some guy. She doesn't deserve it.
Author OOReeee Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 What do I do then? Completely ignore her? She's gonna try and talk to me, she already did today, talked about casual things we used to talk about (I didn't reply). Won't I come out as.. moody/dramatic/crazy?
grampi Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I've tried being friends with ex lovers in the past, never worked for me...
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 OP, define what a 'crappy girlfriend' and 'pretty cool person' means with regards to you personally. It's the personally part which defines healthy friendship. There are plenty of pretty cool people in the world whom will never be your friend nor your theirs, generally due to lack of care and mutual interests. How much care has your ex shown you lately? Perhaps redundant at this point but she may be back later for some Cheer's effect and it'll be worth remembering then. Good luck
J0N Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) 4 months ago, I couldnt imagine not talking to my ex for more than a day or two. As of now I haven't spoken to her in three months. It was hard at first but over time you adjust. You cannot be friends with an ex if you still have feelings for them. It will end bad. Guaranteed. Edited January 11, 2011 by J0N
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