ricochet01gal Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I was traveling for work last year and met a guy at the partner corporation. Afterward he suggested we grab lunch together and he showed me around the city. We went on some casual dinner dates over the month I spent there. He invited me to go out more often, but I had to turn him down because the company was putting a huge workload on me, since my time there was so limited. Since I kept turning him down toward the end, he started suggesting that I just let him know when I have a free day or so to hang out. Ended up that we didn't get to meet during my last week because it was super busy for me. We didn't really keep in touch over the year following. Anyway, fast forward one year, and I'm back at the partner corporation where he works, upon request of my boss. I'm spending another month here, and there's a prospect of me moving here in a year, but I don't want to let him know that far in advance, especially since the situation is still unsure. A month before traveling, I emailed him with a note that I was going to be back in town (gave the dates of arrival/departure) and would be great to see him again. He replied that we should definitely meet up once I am back in town. We work in different parts of the company buildings (huge) so we don't normally see each other. Question is, now that I am back in town, should I email him again to let him know I'm back in town and up for grabbing dinner or something together? If so, should I specify a specific date? Or is the ball in his court now, since I already mentioned the dates of my arrival/departure? Part of me doesn't want to give mixed signals to him by not contacting him now that I am actually in the town now (just arrived), and part of me doesn't want to look too desperate. Wondering what your thoughts are, given the situation above... thanks in advance.
iJester Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 It's still on you. You're the one with the busy schedule and you never actually suggested a time. He also probably remembers what scheduling things with you was like and probably expects that it will be more of the same, so it's still on you to let him know exactly when you're free.
aisle_seat Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I tend to agree with iJester; if you didn't set up anything specific before arriving, he's probably waiting on you. He may feel as though he doesn't want to make a move since he kind of hit a wall with you last time (not your fault I realize) so he's wants to know you're really interested by allowing you to make a move for concrete plans. Contact him and go out...if he's into you I'm sure you'll know it.
iJester Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 The real question is, what do you want from/with him?
ivalm Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 In the case described, the burden of planning lies squarely on the OP.
Author ricochet01gal Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I'm so glad to hear your views and suggestions. I think I will email later in the week to tell him a specific day when I'm available to meet for lunch or dinner, and leave it up to him to plan or suggest a place to meet (is that what you mean ivalm, by OP = other person?) iJester: that is a good question. I want to spend more time with him to get to know him better, to decide if he's just-friends material or relationship material. So far, I was hoping maybe it could be a friendship that develops into a relationship. But I just don't want a one-night stand or a hook-up buddy. For sure, I am mentally and physically attracted to him. I don't know exactly how to communicate (non-verbally and/or verbally) two things: that (1) I'm interested in him more than just friends, and (2) but not interested in him as a hook-up buddy. This is the hardest part to me -- especially to do so, without looking like a tease or sending mixed signals. I'm interested in him as a potential boyfriend perhaps, after we spend more time to know each other and both mutually seem to progress in that direction (?) To me, it's really difficult to balance showing interest (beyond friends) to a guy without looking like a tease, because I don't get physical right away, and honestly don't have a lot of experience with physical intimacy. I would prefer taking a long time (several dates) to get to know him before deciding to move forward, physically. We don't know each other closely or deeply enough for me to share this with him (if it should even be said at all!). So it's a challenge for me to figure out this balancing act... and if you have any additional thoughts (or pointers, etc), again, many thanks in advance.
ivalm Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I'm so glad to hear your views and suggestions. I think I will email later in the week to tell him a specific day when I'm available to meet for lunch or dinner, and leave it up to him to plan or suggest a place to meet (is that what you mean ivalm, by OP = other person?) iJester: that is a good question. I want to spend more time with him to get to know him better, to decide if he's just-friends material or relationship material. So far, I was hoping maybe it could be a friendship that develops into a relationship. But I just don't want a one-night stand or a hook-up buddy. For sure, I am mentally and physically attracted to him. I don't know exactly how to communicate (non-verbally and/or verbally) two things: that (1) I'm interested in him more than just friends, and (2) but not interested in him as a hook-up buddy. This is the hardest part to me -- especially to do so, without looking like a tease or sending mixed signals. I'm interested in him as a potential boyfriend perhaps, after we spend more time to know each other and both mutually seem to progress in that direction (?) To me, it's really difficult to balance showing interest (beyond friends) to a guy without looking like a tease, because I don't get physical right away, and honestly don't have a lot of experience with physical intimacy. I would prefer taking a long time (several dates) to get to know him before deciding to move forward, physically. We don't know each other closely or deeply enough for me to share this with him (if it should even be said at all!). So it's a challenge for me to figure out this balancing act... and if you have any additional thoughts (or pointers, etc), again, many thanks in advance. OP = original poster, ie you, ricochet01gal. I think that you need to take a lead, at least with the first few dates. I think it's also useful to make sure he KNOWS they are dates, so you should use the word "date" rather than "lets hang out". From you previous posts I'm not sure how physical you got with him in your previous encounters, but I think hugging him and allowing him to kiss you is definitely good. Since you don't want it to be a fling but may be leaving in a month I guess you shouldn't have sex with him yet, but perhaps others can give more input in this since I've never been in similar situations. Also, if you do progress in the positive direction, do tell him about your future plans so that he can plan accordingly as well. He may disqualify you as GF-material if he doesn't know you may be moving to his city. He may also think you WANT a fling if you come on to him while being only temporarily in his city (in fact, if a girl came on to me and I knew she would be leaving in a month to perhaps never return I would think she just wants a FWB).
Author ricochet01gal Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Ah ok, thanks for clarifying, and also for your very helpful and clear post. Although I am really shy to use the word "date" when asking him... but I do see your point. I probably need to make it clear. But isn't there hopefully another way besides using the word "date"? Wouldn't you be a little turned off if your girl acquaintance asked you straight up for an actual date? Isn't that sort of too forward? Doesn't that take some momentum out of "the chase" for guys? Also, to answer your question, we never got really physical before. He initiated hugging me before (to which I reacted in a surprised way) and touching me affectionately (not intimately, just shoulder squeezes and stuff like that). I was nervous and caught off guard (I'm not very active in the dating scene) so didn't really return the physical affection... I am pretty shy and awkward around men, and used to dealing with them in a strictly business-like way, so not that great with the whole flirting and physical stuff... that sort of explains part of the way I acted, not because I'm not into him, but because it would probably take me a longer time to "warm up" than most other women. It's also a very good idea you mention that I should tell him my future plans of potentially moving into the area (given what my boss advises in the upcoming year)... I agree that would make it clearer to him that I don't just see it as a FWB. I was initially hesitating about telling him about my potential moving plans, because I didn't want to pressure him with implicit expectations... I guess that's just the way I perceive a guy would react. But I realize it may be necessary in this case, so he knows I could be potential GF material. Thanks again for spending time to write out to me. It means a lot!
musemaj11 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Ah ok, thanks for clarifying, and also for your very helpful and clear post. Although I am really shy to use the word "date" when asking him... but I do see your point. I probably need to make it clear. But isn't there hopefully another way besides using the word "date"? Wouldn't you be a little turned off if your girl acquaintance asked you straight up for an actual date? Isn't that sort of too forward? Doesn't that take some momentum out of "the chase" for guys? Whats with women and their obsession with "The Chase"? Do you really take joy in being treated as a prize item? Especially when I was in my early 20s, I sometimes like the thrill of chasing women, too. Its provides an ego boost. But then I realized that its just about the thrill and I merely saw the women as items to be won and to be paraded around in front of my friends. So I stopped because I felt like I was dehumanizing women. But recently I realized also that it seems most women actually do relish being treated as a prize item. I guess its a byproducts of ages of social conditioning.
aliya34 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 you already told him the dates you'd be in town. a lot of things could've changed since you last saw him, one year ago..... and, he could have replied just be polite. if he's really interested in you, he'll contact you to ask you when you're free to meet, or suggest a time/place. no need to risk looking desperate (big turn off) by contacting him again. spend time to get to know new people rather than "waiting and debating" on contacting him. just my 2 cents
Author ricochet01gal Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 In reply to musemaj11, I think "the chase" shows to a woman whether or not a man is truly interested in her. When I do the chasing, I start feeling strange- I don't naturally like being so aggressive, it seems out of character for me. I think this is a natural female reaction (or at least for females with balanced hormones, more estrogen than testosterone!). I don't know if it has primitive roots but can't think of a probable psychological explanation at the moment. But it's an interesting view. Have you had an experience where the woman was the one chasing you? I have a feeling that men usually start to feel freaked out and turned off when a woman is pursuing them, even if they were sort of attracted to them in the beginning. In reply to aliya34: That's a good point. I suppose there's always going to be that fine line between looking desperate and making intentions/self clear to a person!
musemaj11 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 In reply to musemaj11, I think "the chase" shows to a woman whether or not a man is truly interested in her. When I do the chasing, I start feeling strange- I don't naturally like being so aggressive, it seems out of character for me. I think this is a natural female reaction (or at least for females with balanced hormones, more estrogen than testosterone!). I don't know if it has primitive roots but can't think of a probable psychological explanation at the moment. But it's an interesting view. Have you had an experience where the woman was the one chasing you? I have a feeling that men usually start to feel freaked out and turned off when a woman is pursuing them, even if they were sort of attracted to them in the beginning. Just because I said you shouldnt care about 'The Chase', doesnt mean you should be the one chasing instead. All Im saying is that when two people are attracted to each other, NO CHASING from either side is needed. Both people will jump to the opportunity of seeing one another instead of getting turned off when one side suggests spending time together. A girl who likes to be chased likes it because it makes her feel wanted and a guy who likes chasing likes it because it gives him a sense of achievement. Both instances are motivated by selfish interest. But in your case, it has been a year. Its going to be rather weird if you suddenly show up a year later and expect to have a romantic relationship with the guy. You should just meet as a friend and see if there is anything.
musemaj111 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 If you follow Aliya's advice, then you have to be very egotistical to have rejected a guy who made an effort to show his interest in you and left him without saying anything only to come back a year later and expect him to make the same effort again while you just sit there waiting for everything to be served to you on a silver platter. What are you? Queen of Sheba? As I have always said elsewhere, try to look from the other side's point of view.
Author ricochet01gal Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 That's very interesting of you to say. I agree to some extent about the selfish motives but could also be due to insecurity on the girl's part or a desire of a man to prove himself. In terms of 'The Chase.' If participating in 'The Chase', I guess the woman wants to be sure the guy is really interested, and the guy feels a need to prove himself to her. If it's not truly an instinctual thing, that is. So........ I took the majority advice (sorry aliya34!) and messaged him, asking him if he had time to meet up for dinner. He was courteous as always and expressed his happiness of my return to the city, but said he was too busy that day and maybe on the following day for dinner. However I already made plans with my girl friend to get dinner and I don't like to break plans with her. So, I told him. But since he had also suggested a good bar that we could go for lunch (but did not mention a day) I also expressed my enthusiasm to go with him, and asked him to let me know the best day for him. I heard nothing from him for about 4 days......... It's a holiday weekend, but still? Now I have a strong impression that he does not desire anymore to really meet, or at least has me on the back burner (?). I guess now I have done my part.......... and put the ball truly in his court. I had to throw it for sure again first, though...
aliya34 Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 So, I told him. But since he had also suggested a good bar that we could go for lunch (but did not mention a day) I also expressed my enthusiasm to go with him, and asked him to let me know the best day for him. I heard nothing from him for about 4 days......... It's a holiday weekend, but still? aww sorry to say but i think he is not that into you! i know it's been a year but YOU still seem eager to see him. i dunno i don't think he would be playing hard to get or being super busy. if he was then he'd still reply to let you know ASAP! or within a few days! even if he WAS really into you last year and had not seen you for 1 yr. YOU do anything more past this, just would make you look too desperate. and IF you do, you likely don't get no response then you are gonna feel even worse. so don't even think about that! wish i could say sthg to make you feel better hun! just my take on the situation
ivalm Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 That's very interesting of you to say. I agree to some extent about the selfish motives but could also be due to insecurity on the girl's part or a desire of a man to prove himself. In terms of 'The Chase.' If participating in 'The Chase', I guess the woman wants to be sure the guy is really interested, and the guy feels a need to prove himself to her. If it's not truly an instinctual thing, that is. So........ I took the majority advice (sorry aliya34!) and messaged him, asking him if he had time to meet up for dinner. He was courteous as always and expressed his happiness of my return to the city, but said he was too busy that day and maybe on the following day for dinner. However I already made plans with my girl friend to get dinner and I don't like to break plans with her. So, I told him. But since he had also suggested a good bar that we could go for lunch (but did not mention a day) I also expressed my enthusiasm to go with him, and asked him to let me know the best day for him. I heard nothing from him for about 4 days......... It's a holiday weekend, but still? Now I have a strong impression that he does not desire anymore to really meet, or at least has me on the back burner (?). I guess now I have done my part.......... and put the ball truly in his court. I had to throw it for sure again first, though... OK, at 4 days it is somewhat safe to say you should start looking for someone else. This may have been an opportunity lost a year ago. Sorry. About chase - I do enjoy perusing a girl but if I don't get any proactive response from her I start to doubt her interest level. So I usually don't mind being the one to initiate everything for the first say 3 dates (including doing most/all calling in between), but if I don't get a response after that I usually step back. On the other hand, I would never ask a girl to "hang out" with me if I'm romantically interested, I'm a strong believer in the word "date" as it makes intentions clear.
Author ricochet01gal Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks a lot for reading and replying... I think you may be right, ivalm. Though I am still wondering why he even bothered to mention recommending us to get together at the bar for lunch & telling me that I would really like the place, in his message reply to me. I left things open ended by telling him to let me know when he's available (since he was so busy last week) in a very breezy non-committal way, and part of me is still hoping he still wants to meet at some point. Do you still think it's an opportunity lost....
ivalm Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks a lot for reading and replying... I think you may be right, ivalm. Though I am still wondering why he even bothered to mention recommending us to get together at the bar for lunch & telling me that I would really like the place, in his message reply to me. I left things open ended by telling him to let me know when he's available (since he was so busy last week) in a very breezy non-committal way, and part of me is still hoping he still wants to meet at some point. Do you still think it's an opportunity lost.... Well, I can't tell it's lost for certain, who the heck am I? I'm some random internet person who doesn't really know either of you However, the longer he doesn't reply the less interest he probably has. If I like a girl it is always difficult for me to NOT try to contact her. But then, I'm pretty open and confident about my feelings. Since he seemed to be interested before but didn't have the courage to do anything about it then I would bet this guy is shy. Or, your showed enough disinterest to put him off (again, this is something impossible to gauge over the internet). I think if you REALLY like him you should try to contact him again in 2 or 3 days but I wouldn't bet much on it. If you do call him again and he does pick up then be sure to have a plan ready, as in, ask him if he wants to meet you at "X on Y at time Z". When you see him do flirt (or at least don't scare him off), you may have to play an active pursuer on this one. Hope it all somehow works out!
Author ricochet01gal Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks ivalm, your words mean a lot. I don't really have experience when it comes to dating guys (um, particularly flirting, I sort of suck at it) and hearing from the "other side" (haha) helps. Yes, I have his number but we rarely talked on the phone last year, mostly just email and texting times/places to meet up. So I may just send him a text later in the week asking to meet up at the bar he suggested for lunch... because I really do like this guy, and disappointed at his delay in replying to me, especially when he was really into me last year. I didn't flirt back with him when he flirted with me, so you could be right about me showing enough disinterest to put him off. I was the one who was super busy then, still interested in him, but not diligent about quickly replying right away. Have you (or other guys) ever purposely delayed calling back a girl that you liked, to get her more "into" you? And thanks for your well wishes, I hope it works out, too. If we do meet up and all goes well, I plan to keep posted too. I feel it's nice to hear other peoples' happiness when things do actually work out, haha.
Author ricochet01gal Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Hi musemaj111, thanks... I'm really glad I found this forum... I was feeling down and alone about this problem before posting here, but feel a lot better now. Yes I think I'll give it a week... It'll be exactly a week, tomorrow... Now to think of it, sometimes a week would go by without me ever getting back to him, last year! And he would still be understanding about it when I did get back in touch. I guess I really do have to put myself in the other person's shoes... And you're probably right about him playing games. It's really hard for me to believe that he totally lost interest given his high level of interest and serious pursuit last year. I really like him a lot, I guess some girls (e.g. me) are just not that great at expressing their feelings to the guy... as in, clearly showing attraction when they feel it. Or when the guy is flirting.
ivalm Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 : Now to think of it, sometimes a week would go by without me ever getting back to him, last year! And he would still be understanding about it when I did get back in touch. I guess I really do have to put myself in the other person's shoes... A week? Sheesh, I would have given up. While I usually call (and leave voicemail if I don't get through) rather than text/email I expect the girl to reply within 2-3 days. If she doesn't but I like her a lot I'll call her again perhaps 3-4 days after my initial call but after that I wouldn't bother contacting her again. If a girl answers me in a week or longer after my initial attempt then she better have a really good excuse or I won't give her the time of day. If I'm the girl's lowest priority, I don't want to date her And you're probably right about him playing games. It's really hard for me to believe that he totally lost interest given his high level of interest and serious pursuit last year. I really like him a lot, I guess some girls (e.g. me) are just not that great at expressing their feelings to the guy... as in, clearly showing attraction when they feel it. Or when the guy is flirting. A year is a long time; may be you broke his heart, who knows. Again, whatever the reason is, I think you need to make sure he knows you're interested. Have you (or other guys) ever purposely delayed calling back a girl that you liked, to get her more "into" you? Never more than a day. It's important to not appear desperate, but I think being straightforward with your interest is generally important if you want to build a LTR. I don't think much of people who play "games". If a girl did it to me, it would be a big turn off.
Author ricochet01gal Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 You know, I am really thankful for you taking the time to read about my problem and help out. And to give your opinion on my questions. It really means a lot to me. Even though we are virtual internet strangers! I think you are right - I need to make it clear I'm interested. If he doesn't reply by the end of the week, I may send him a message or email expressing that I was sorry for not being better in touch over the past year, and that I was really looking forward to seeing him again. Something more that shows I am genuinely interested. I am still brainstorming and trying to figure out that part. I strongly desire to actually see him, so we can hopefully really connect again (email/texts only go so far), but if he doesn't get back to me, I don't know any other way besides email. It's funny - he actually works in the connecting building a few floors up, but if people in our buildings don't go out of our way to see each other, we just stay in our own little worlds, and rarely interact...
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