northern_sky Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Hmmm, he could be a total player, but actually, my gut says no, he's not. Wish my gut would tell me if I'll ever see him again, but it seems strangely silent on that point Yes, met him online - but actually, I have been doing the online thing in a very open way and going to meet people for the sake of meeting new people, rather than having some checklist. With online dating you need to lower your expectations because it is full of players, even in nice guy disguise. Some of them are nerdy guys who were passed up by girls in the past and become players when they discover they can easily get tons of casual sex through OD. And, yes the being honest and putting at ease thing could be a bad thing, but he seemed to genuinely be bouncing off me too (verbally I mean!). But...and this will sound weird, but I felt like I had met a version of myself. It's a common feeling to have, and just as common to be wrong about. You really don't know this guy or how similar to you he is on a deep level. People often emphasize their similarities to another person when they are trying to make a good first impression. I tend to put people at ease, I tend to reveal personal stuff pretty early on too which fosters an atmosphere of people opening up and am honest enough about what I've done, mistakes I've made in a self-deprecating manner. So, for me, I didn't see this as any kind of bad thing, seemed normal. Your reasons for doing so may be completely different than his. Maybe he's one of these people who treats everyone he knows with false intimacy, leading that person to believe they're special until they realize they're one of many. You need to develop some healthy cynicism when it comes to understanding other people and their motivations. Just make sure that cynicism stays rational and doesn't turn into bitterness, and you'll be good. Not a particularly good looking guy, but I dunno, he had something very special and was obviously very clever without being patronising. Doesn't sound so special to me. There's nothing special about a guy who hits it and quits it. That's loser behavior. Then this new guy comes along and I could totally be myself with him, and he encouraged that, and he still liked me, and he still wanted me (even if it was just for the night). Oh come on, PB. Listen to what you're saying. Doesn't that sound a bit pathetic? You're feeling *grateful* because a guy wanted you for just one night? You can do so much better. You have a lot to offer. I can't wait for the day when you see that.
OceanGirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 With online dating you need to lower your expectations because it is full of players, even in nice guy disguise. Some of them are nerdy guys who were passed up by girls in the past and become players when they discover they can easily get tons of casual sex through OD. This. That's why I asked you if you met him online. I have had even worse experiences, where I was fully led on to believe that the guy is falling for me and then I just never heard from him again. The false promises and lies with OD are just :sick:
Jynxx Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I really try my best to understand men. They want women who like sex. They get women who like sex- who don't badger them after sex. Now they don't want women who like sex. Sigh -- I dont even know what I am saying lol. Hope he calls I really try my best to understand women. They want men who they are comfortable with, who they can be open with. They get men who they are comfortable with, who are open with them. Now they wish they didn't ever meet that person because he didn't stick around for longer. In all seriousness, it's a given men and women think about things differently, and I say try to imagine what it's like to be a man and why he did what he did and it will make you see alot of things clearer.
pookster72 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 you slept with him because you felt a strong connection. he tried to create a strong connection so he could sleep with you. sleeping with a guy on the first date isnt going to ruin things with most guys unless the girl gets crazy clingy/annoying afterward but perhaps this guy just wasn't interested from the start. i wouldn't contact him if i were you. maybe he will get in touch soon, but i dont think initiating it will help your chances.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I recently read in Cosmo that a guy is easily turned off when you start telling your whole life story the second you sit down at the coffee/restaurant table... But P_B, I'm so like you, I tend to consider half my life an open book, I can talk about my likes/dislikes, pet peeves without stopping... of course, I don't think I ever really scared someone off with too much information... I don't think. I'm glad to hear that you saw this as a new perspective. I also used to be someone who do ONS without a second thought but I don't feel happy about it. I think if there's a strong connection, sex is always the best thing to go after, but in terms of wanting a LTR with someone worthwhile, a good guy, no matter how horny he is, waits. Or at least still calls you back after an amazing night of sex. Hang in there, even if this guy truly disappears, you have qualities that great men admire.
refurb Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 No, I understand what you are saying. I've never been able to figure that one out! They want sex but don't want women to want sex? Who do they expect to have sex with, themselves?????? It's not that hard to figure out. Guys want sex, yes. However, guys who want relationships often consider first/second/whatever (too early for them) date sex to be a "red flag". It's not that different than woman who consider a guy who "is too open"/"calls too much"/"doesn't get physical quick enough" to be exhibiting "red flags". Like stereotypes, "red flags" are "red flags" for a reason. They often point to something more serious. However, they often don't. Problem is, by exhibiting certain behaviors, you're setting yourself up for giving an impression that might not be accurate. RF
stillafool Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 It's not that hard to figure out. Guys want sex, yes. However, guys who want relationships often consider first/second/whatever (too early for them) date sex to be a "red flag". Then what type of girl does a guy expect to have sex with if he isn't ready for a relationship? A hooker? If all women waited for a commitment before they had sex with a man; who then would men have sex with? It's not that different than woman who consider a guy who "is too open"/"calls too much"/"doesn't get physical quick enough" to be exhibiting "red flags". Most of the women I know who have fallen in love with a man want to hear from him as much as possible and definitely wants to hear and know what is on his mind. The "too open/calls too much" is for guys women aren't into. Like stereotypes, "red flags" are "red flags" for a reason. They often point to something more serious. However, they often don't. Problem is, by exhibiting certain behaviors, you're setting yourself up for giving an impression that might not be accurate. I feel if a man and woman are into each other, both want sex and enjoy it with each other, one shouldn't be punished because they had the same desire. I also don't think it is fair for a woman to give into her sexual desires and have sex with a guy, then get upset because he doesn't want a relationship. Didn't they both get off?
refurb Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Then what type of girl does a guy expect to have sex with if he isn't ready for a relationship? A hooker? If all women waited for a commitment before they had sex with a man; who then would men have sex with? If a guy isn't ready for a relationship (aka just wants to hook-up), then a girl who exhibits "red flags" isn't a issue. A guy can go out with a girl, have fun, have sex with her and still think "she is not gf material". If all women waited for a commitment before having sex, then men would likely be more willing to commit, no? Or at least lie about the desire for commitment? Most of the women I know who have fallen in love with a man want to hear from him as much as possible and definitely wants to hear and know what is on his mind. The "too open/calls too much" is for guys women aren't into.Not true. You said "fallen in love". We're not talking about that. We're talking about behavior exhibited in the first few dates. Guys who are "too open/calls to much" are labeled as "clingy" if they do it too early. Later on, when a relationship has been established? Sure, who doesn't want that? I feel if a man and woman are into each other, both want sex and enjoy it with each other, one shouldn't be punished because they had the same desire. I also don't think it is fair for a woman to give into her sexual desires and have sex with a guy, then get upset because he doesn't want a relationship. Didn't they both get off?Well, when both parties want nothing more than to just "get off", then yeah, it works fine. When parties want something more than that, then it gets complicated. It's not fair, but a lot of guys judge a woman by her sexual behavior. This doesn't stop them from having sex with her, but it does stop them from considering her gf material. RF
Author paddington bear Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Well, he got in touch, just to touch base, nothing major said...but that is a start, right? Or rather, something, rather than just nothing. That means I haven't been forgotten at least. Very, very happy right now - this is not to say I won't be plunged into misery again soon. But...just so nice to hear from him, so will enjoy my moment of joy, while it lasts.
carhill Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Oxytocin jolt or meaningful expression of interest? Cheer's effect or desire for more? Hard to know. I'm a little cynical so I'll sit this one out.
Author paddington bear Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Oxytocin jolt or meaningful expression of interest? Cheer's effect or desire for more? Hard to know. I'm a little cynical so I'll sit this one out. Guess I'm just happy that it wasn't the sleep with you and run scenario. Perhaps not a meaningful expression of interest. Who knows. But...first man ever I did this with who did actually get in touch again and not just disappear off the face of the planet. So, for that alone, I appreciate him. It is at least polite. Politeness is something underrated. There are extenuating circumstances which mean that should anything develop it might prove difficult in the long run. Ultimately, it is more that you like someone a lot, and feel you clicked and then question that afterwards. So, it is nice to have some validation that you weren't totally kidding yourself (even if it is a tiny amount)
catgotyourtongue Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Well, he got in touch, just to touch base, nothing major said...but that is a start, right? Or rather, something, rather than just nothing. That means I haven't been forgotten at least. Very, very happy right now - this is not to say I won't be plunged into misery again soon. But...just so nice to hear from him, so will enjoy my moment of joy, while it lasts. Hey PB was following the thread and am glad he got in touch with you, regardless of what else happens, I think it's nice he contacted you and did not just bolt. I think it means something...he could have easily not called if he just wanted to vanish into thin air. GLAD for you Pad, GLAD FOR PAD!!!!!
january2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 A celebratory song for PB: No advice from me but just wanted to say, thanks for posting that, Anne. It really did put a smile on my face.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Guess I'm just happy that it wasn't the sleep with you and run scenario. Perhaps not a meaningful expression of interest. Who knows. But...first man ever I did this with who did actually get in touch again and not just disappear off the face of the planet. So, for that alone, I appreciate him. It is at least polite. Politeness is something underrated. There are extenuating circumstances which mean that should anything develop it might prove difficult in the long run. Ultimately, it is more that you like someone a lot, and feel you clicked and then question that afterwards. So, it is nice to have some validation that you weren't totally kidding yourself (even if it is a tiny amount) I think it's a good sign. Nothing earth-shattering, but just be happy. Why do we try to let worry cheat us out of happiness so easily?
catgotyourtongue Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 A celebratory song for PB: Oh wow, how adorable, so glad you posted this. SUPER song, super happy song. So fitting for the moment....that was nice of you to post. Awesome.....just singin' and singin' in the rain....I'm happy again...
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 I hope it goes where you want it to go, PB. I'm curious about the "extenuating circumstances." I hope this guy is not married!
sweet sugar Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Women who jump right into bed with a guy right after meeting them don't like sex anymore than women who wait to get to know the guy. No, I understand what you are saying. I've never been able to figure that one out! They want sex but don't want women to want sex? Who do they expect to have sex with, themselves??????
SmileFace Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Women who jump right into bed with a guy right after meeting them don't like sex anymore than women who wait to get to know the guy. How so? Why can't a women just like sex?
refurb Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Women who jump right into bed with a guy right after meeting them don't like sex anymore than women who wait to get to know the guy. Wow! I like this comment! I'm a guy and I tend to move slower than average on the physical stuff. However, don't mistake me for someone who doesn't really enjoy sex. I just have a higher threshold for an emotional connection before the physical connection feels "right". RF
refurb Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Why can't a women just like sex? Women can! However, if you make it a priority, that's often all you'll get. RF
Ruby Slippers Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 lol Love the video. It's made me realise that if someone is attracted to you, they just simply are and there is none of this wondering if they like you or not. Great insight. So true.
sweet sugar Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Just because someone will take it off very easily doesn't mean they enjoy sex more than someone who wants an emotional and intellectual connection/relationship with someone before having sex. How so? Why can't a women just like sex?
Surrealist Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 A celebratory song for PB: And here's the guy's celebratory song. :laugh:
zengirl Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Women who jump right into bed with a guy right after meeting them don't like sex anymore than women who wait to get to know the guy. Agreed, though they might like different kinds of sex. I don't jump right into bed because first-time sex doesn't interest me, really. The first time is sometimes good, usually a bit awkward, and just a starting point. And I can't imagine you know if someone is going to be good. Except for the first BF I had sex with (my second BF), who was awful, I've never had bad sex. I've heard of it. I just . . . it's hard to have bad sex when you're completely and totally connected to someone and you have a good sense of their physicality, emotions, personality, etc. That's my theory. But I don't like the spontaneity of the moment, the thrill of newness in a relationship, etc. Some people really, really do. They like different kinds of sex for different reasons. How so? Why can't a women just like sex? And I think you're right too, and that a woman can. People seek sex for different reasons. The issue is when you seek that intimate, connected sex (instead of the fun, sexy romp) on the first date, because the "connection" is not likely to be fully formed. It's a connection with an idea of a man -- but you don't really know the man yet, so the idea could be spot-on, but it's way more likely to be way off. A fun, sexy romp is a different thing. At least I think so. I have female friends who can have first-date sex, not feel bad about it, enjoy the sex, date the guy again or not (they want to go out with him again, usually, but they aren't super-serious or invested), and just be happy. It seems to be a different mindset to me, and I think it's important to know where your mindset is. But too late for paddington to go backwards, so: Forwards is the way. And while, like most first dates, it's more probable this will fizzle than sizzle, I don't think there's any point on worrying about that. Or else we'd all have to stop going on first dates, which sounds good to me (I hate first dates) except it's generally the only way to get second dates, and so on. Unless arranged marriages come back in fashion.
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