paddington bear Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 So, I've been posting on here about if I should change my personality, be more mysterious, be more vulnerable. And was fretting that I was off-putting for men. And then...I met an amazing guy. Am-azing. Just totally clicked with him and none of that mattered, he liked me just as I am. And he seemed to click with me too (although he's a very open and friendly person who can talk to anyone about anything...so perhaps the click was totally one-sided). I've never felt so comfortable with someone in my entire life. We told each other everything, and I mean everything. I told him stuff I would never, ever tell some guy on a date, just because he was so open himself. And he made me laugh so much (I'm still thinking back on stuff he said and smiling). And...stupid, stupid me slept with him on the first date. And now I'm obsessing. Totally obsessing. Even if I hadn't slept with him, I would be obsessing because he was so damn amazing. I want him. Or rather, I want him to want me. Not going to hear from him though am I? Firstly, I put out too soon. Secondly, he hasn't initiated any contact since (only been a couple of days though). I really, really want to get in touch with him, but feel that it would just be that typical woman thing to do - me not getting that for him it was probably just a one-off thing and me humiliating myself trying to push for something more. This is not in any way likely to lead to anything is it? Feel like I messed something good up by having (great) sex with this person.
Surrealist Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 You might hear from him again when he gets the urge, you seem easy enough where other options may not be available to him.
Author paddington bear Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 You might hear from him again when he gets the urge, you seem easy enough where other options may not be available to him. Yes, I'm easy, a slut and a whore not to be respected and he's a stud. I get it! I'm not that prudish about sex to be honest. But recognise that it is not a good idea to sleep with someone you genuinely like on the first date as men are weird about that and think you do that with every other guy, even if you don't.
SmileFace Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I really try my best to understand men. They want women who like sex. They get women who like sex- who don't badger them after sex. Now they don't want women who like sex. Sigh -- I dont even know what I am saying lol. Hope he calls
colliejoanie Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I'm sorry to hear this....not that you slept with him, because that is your business, and if you felt it, you felt it. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't heard from him. I'd think that if there was chemistry before you had your date, and you guys had established some kind of relationship, that he will call again. I hope.
zengirl Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Honestly, I don't think sex necessarily makes a man any more or less likely to call or at least to be in a LTR with someone. That's been my substantial observation with healthy, cool guys. I think the biggest red flag is how open he was with you (it sounded excessive; not saying people should be closed off). That sounds like a nice trait in theory, but it was a first date. Players are very likely to be open on a first date and better at developing rapport. I've always had better luck with men I've had to draw out over time. But that's just a thought. I know people who've married someone they slept with on the first date. And not just one or two. I think it's relatively rare, but only because how many first dates turn into marriages anyway! I don't think it was your downfall. Just the normal people-picker stuff, and rushing your feelings, and such, which is understandable and doesn't make you "wrong."
OceanGirl Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 You had one amazing night - any amazing moment in life shouldn't be regretted.
OceanGirl Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Honestly, I don't think sex necessarily makes a man any more or less likely to call or at least to be in a LTR with someone. That's been my substantial observation with healthy, cool guys. I think the biggest red flag is how open he was with you (it sounded excessive; not saying people should be closed off). That sounds like a nice trait in theory, but it was a first date. Players are very likely to be open on a first date and better at developing rapport. I've always had better luck with men I've had to draw out over time. But that's just a thought. I know people who've married someone they slept with on the first date. And not just one or two. I think it's relatively rare, but only because how many first dates turn into marriages anyway! I don't think it was your downfall. Just the normal people-picker stuff, and rushing your feelings, and such, which is understandable and doesn't make you "wrong." This has been my observation as well. My brother is one of those men that judges women if they have sex a lot or too early. He is currently living with a girl who slept with him on the first date. They have been together for over a year. Basically, if he bails now, he would have most likely bailed even if you didn't have sex.
OceanGirl Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 HAHA. Boned by an alpha, and now she's having buyers' remorse and her anti-slut defence is desperately trying to rationalize. The rationalization hamster is desperately running in that wheel in your head. PMSL!! I wish I could meet the dude and buy him a beer for a job well done. Let me guess...you are a 30 year old virgin
carhill Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 OP, how does the shy guy and your perspective in that thread figure in here? Thoughts?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 HAHA. Boned by an alpha, and now she's having buyers' remorse and her anti-slut defence is desperately trying to rationalize. The rationalization hamster is desperately running in that wheel in your head. PMSL!! I wish I could meet the dude and buy him a beer for a job well done. don't see the point in your post, buddy. it's stupid really.
fishtaco Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I don't see anything wrong. Seems like you said with or without the sex, you'd be hooked on him anyway because he's so amazing. Well, I think it's great that you have the courage to walk into something full of passion. That's the fun way to do things. But, the truth is, if he's gonna call you back, he will, if he's not, he won't. If you had an enjoyable time with him, then mission accomplished. The future is the future. Hope for the best and see what happens. Good luck.
Author paddington bear Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Hmmm, he could be a total player, but actually, my gut says no, he's not. Wish my gut would tell me if I'll ever see him again, but it seems strangely silent on that point Yes, met him online - but actually, I have been doing the online thing in a very open way and going to meet people for the sake of meeting new people, rather than having some checklist. Meet them and see. And he was one of those. I didn't email for weeks to figure him out, if we were compatible and so on. He seemed fun, agreed to meet just to have a chat really. I had no expectations at all with him. And for the first half of the night we both chatted away in a friendly open way about everything under the sun but then the friendly dynamic changed somewhere along the line. And, yes the being honest and putting at ease thing could be a bad thing, but he seemed to genuinely be bouncing off me too (verbally I mean!). But...and this will sound weird, but I felt like I had met a version of myself. I tend to put people at ease, I tend to reveal personal stuff pretty early on too which fosters an atmosphere of people opening up and am honest enough about what I've done, mistakes I've made in a self-deprecating manner. So, for me, I didn't see this as any kind of bad thing, seemed normal. I know plenty of people who slept together on the first date too, who ended up in LTR's, depends on the guy and the girl and their attitudes I suppose. And yes, if he was going to bail, he'd bail either way. I guess this is more the issue, the bailing...don't want to go into it on a public forum, but there is a reason why he might bail (which is not to do with him having a girlfriend). So, part of me understands if I don't hear from him again. But, kind of hoping against hope that he will get in touch. Not a particularly good looking guy, but I dunno, he had something very special and was obviously very clever without being patronising. Crazed, - meh...whatever, not going to be baited into responding with the 'no! I'm not a slut thing'. If you want to label me a slut go right on ahead. How did it happen?...not really going to go into the gory details there, but pretty awkward-free and quite naturally I suppose. Carhill, I'm so glad I met this guy. Even if I never see him again he's put a lot into perspective and I will be ever grateful for that. Shy guy kind of led me on, then dropped me when someone better came along. I beat myself up thinking that if I had done this or that, or behaved like this, and why did I draw this type of person to me and then questioned my own personality, choices in men etc. Then this new guy comes along and I could totally be myself with him, and he encouraged that, and he still liked me, and he still wanted me (even if it was just for the night). It's made me realise that if someone is attracted to you, they just simply are and there is none of this wondering if they like you or not. They make it pretty clear from the offset and there is something incredibly attractive about someone who wants you, rather than the guessing game. It's also made me realise that there is nothing inherently wrong with me. Just that I've given the wrong guys too much time to figure out if they like me or not. And it means I'm not sad about shy guy any more. I kind of see him for what he is now and genuinely don't want that wishy-washyness. In any case, the phrase 'what's meant for you, doesn't pass you by' springs to mind. I guess if I hear nothing, then at least some aspects of him and how he behaved towards me can serve as a template in the future (not the never calling again part!). You can't make someone want you. This man could not in any way, shape or form be described as shy or self-conscious, so he could easily get in touch if he wanted to. (Shy guy taught me this...if he'd wanted me, could have had me, I thought it was shyness, it wasn't. He went straight for the person he did want when she came along).
stillafool Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I really try my best to understand men. They want women who like sex. They get women who like sex- who don't badger them after sex. Now they don't want women who like sex. Sigh -- I dont even know what I am saying lol. Hope he calls No, I understand what you are saying. I've never been able to figure that one out! They want sex but don't want women to want sex? Who do they expect to have sex with, themselves??????
catgotyourtongue Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 So, I've been posting on here about if I should change my personality, be more mysterious, be more vulnerable. And was fretting that I was off-putting for men. ... I told him stuff I would never, ever tell some guy on a date, just because he was so open himself. And he made me laugh so much (I'm still thinking back on stuff he said and smiling). And...stupid, stupid me slept with him on the first date. And now I'm obsessing. Totally obsessing. Even if I hadn't slept with him, I would be obsessing because he was so damn amazing. I want him. Or rather, I want him to want me. I really, really want to get in touch with him, but feel that it would just be that typical woman thing to do - me not getting that for him it was probably just a one-off thing and me humiliating myself trying to push for something more. This is not in any way likely to lead to anything is it? Feel like I messed something good up by having (great) sex with this person. Hi there PB Well you know, I think it could go either way in general. Sex on the first date does not mean they won't date you. It just does not, lots of relationships have been formed off first night sex. I am not saying it is the way to go, but just saying it does not discount a dating situation will follow. I would not call him though of be first to reach out, just my thoughts. If he is interested, her will call or text, right? I really try my best to understand men. They want women who like sex. They get women who like sex- who don't badger them after sex. Now they don't want women who like sex. Sigh -- I dont even know what I am saying lol. Hope he calls OH my, I am SO with you on this. I don't get it either {shaking my head}. I really don't. Men spend half their time, life, admittedly, trying to do nothing but get sex, but then they don't want a woman who wants and gives them sex, lol. LORD. I know the whole argument about not wanting a girl just to put out for anyone or too soon, but that IS what most are saying they want all the time, just ask them. *sigh* Honestly, I don't think sex necessarily makes a man any more or less likely to call or at least to be in a LTR with someone. That's been my substantial observation with healthy, cool guys. I think the biggest red flag is how open he was with you (it sounded excessive; not saying people should be closed off). That sounds like a nice trait in theory, but it was a first date. Players are very likely to be open on a first date and better at developing rapport. I've always had better luck with men I've had to draw out over time. But that's just a thought. I know people who've married someone they slept with on the first date. And not just one or two. I think it's relatively rare, but only because how many first dates turn into marriages anyway! I don't think it was your downfall. Just the normal people-picker stuff, and rushing your feelings, and such, which is understandable and doesn't make you "wrong." ditto, ditto, and agree and this has been my experience too. Agree with Zen talking about how open he was, that raises more of a flag to me too. Good luck PB, let us know how it turns out and sorry that you are having these after date feelings, worries, etc.
catgotyourtongue Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 ...but I felt like I had met a version of myself. I tend to put people at ease, I tend to reveal personal stuff pretty early on too which fosters an atmosphere of people opening up and am honest enough about what I've done, mistakes I've made in a self-deprecating manner. PB I do this too, with men and women, it's like they will tell me their life stories in 10 minutes. I can go into a restaurant and learn more about the waitress or bus boy in 5 minutes than their brothers and sisters know about them. I like people! I like shraing and giving. So I do understand what you are saying, completely. I do the whole self-dep too!
Madgick1 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 HAHA. Boned by an alpha, and now she's having buyers' remorse and her anti-slut defence is desperately trying to rationalize. The rationalization hamster is desperately running in that wheel in your head. PMSL!! I wish I could meet the dude and buy him a beer for a job well done. Wow, what did Paddington ever do to you?
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I am very sorry that you are feeling bad. I know it's against the general "rules" but if you really like him and are willing to take the risk of blatant, in your face rejection ... I might consider calling him, if I were you. IMO, the best reason not to "put out" early is NOT to keep a guy interested, but to protect yourself as well as you can. Like me and like a lot of other women, you had sex with a guy because you LIKED him ... a lot. Not just to get "boned," as some crazed and possibly damaged poster puts it. So, you are extra vulnerable. It's a lot safer, emotionally, to get an idea of where you both are with regards to a potential relationship before having sex. IMO. Anyway, I don't know if the guy is a "playa," an "alpha," or maybe just some fellow who can't believe his luck but who might be confused about what the next step should be ... since you slept together, does that mean you're an item? Might it not be terribly awkward? Maybe it would be simpler to just move on? Who knows. Bottom line is, if you are willing to take the risk and it seems worth it, you could call him. You might not lose ... And again, I am sorry you're feeling bad.
refurb Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 A few possibilities: 1. He's only after a quick lay. 2. He's really into you and he considers the quick hook-up a red flag 3. He's really into you and he doesn't consider the quick hook-up a red flag The only way you can find out is by seeing where it goes. All is not lost. RF
OceanGirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I would also contact him. If I really like a guy, I contact him first after the date. The way I see it, you have nothing to lose. He could very well like you but is on the fence about you because of something minor, and your call may push him in your direction. I don't think that one call/text is excessive and you may get some answers rather than just wondering and waiting. I kind of like to know that I have given it my all, and then move forward with no regrets.
Author paddington bear Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 IMO, the best reason not to "put out" early is NOT to keep a guy interested, but to protect yourself as well as you can. Like me and like a lot of other women, you had sex with a guy because you LIKED him ... a lot. Not just to get "boned," Anyway, I don't know if the guy is a "playa," an "alpha," or maybe just some fellow who can't believe his luck but who might be confused about what the next step should be ... since you slept together, does that mean you're an item? Might it not be terribly awkward? Maybe it would be simpler to just move on? Who knows. Bottom line is, if you are willing to take the risk and it seems worth it, you could call him. You might not lose ... Couldn't agree more, you put it way more succinctly than I: because I liked. I've been told to just contact him. That perhaps I am giving off 'I'm so cool with this going nowhere' vibes and should consider that he is reacting to me too and to just simply get in touch so that he knows that yes, for sure, I like him and want to see him again. But, no reply would be humiliating, however that at the same time, it has been pointed out to me that if I really like him, I have nothing to lose either way.
deebeechrisyo Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Let me guess...you are a 30 year old virgin He's a reader of Roissy's blog. That blog attracts some of the weirdest of the weird. Your guess may not be too far off.
northern_sky Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Hi PB, I am sorry this happened to you. It's an awful feeling. In the future be wary of guys who are too open and effusive too fast. It's almost always the kiss of death.
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