Nexus One Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) As a guy, in my opinion, you guys had an unfortunate exchange of communication. Due to your agreement in the past about only being friends a rule was set that you both actually tried or intended to break. I personally think he either got confused after he approached you first when he tried to break that agreement or that he really thinks you guys want to be friends as you mentioned to him. Get this. Guys most often when it comes to women are simple beings, they DO NOT read between the lines or think beyond the exact thing that you tell them. So if you've said no in the past, then that's most likely the idea he has about you in his mind. He probably thinks you still want to be friends only. And that's quite likely also the reason why he dares to mention his ex to you. And that's possibly also the reason why he's taking some distance from you. If a guy is honest and in love with a woman, then he does not want to be her friend, he wants to be lovers. But if he has the idea that you merely want to be his friend, then he might have a hard time being around you. It could be painful for him and if he's a good guy then possibly he's trying to first get over you before hanging out with you again so that he can indeed watch you in the eyes as a friend as you requested from him. Which is, as you say, actually not what you want. I'm not an expert, but if you guys actually really want each other then the "playing field" needs to be cleared. It must be clear that the old agreement is no longer relevant. It must be clear that the only reason you said no to him was because you thought that rule still applied. He though, needs to get over his ex first, period. You mentioned you were shy, but if you're not going to say certain things in a clear and direct way to him he will get a different idea about what you want, simply because he does not think further beyond the exact thing you tell him. Most guys simply are like that. Think of them as simple beings, so if you approach them with multi-layered motives and say things to them where they need to read things between the lines or if you play mind games, then you will probably be confusing the hell out of them or give them the opposite idea that you want them to have and you thus in fact would sabotage your own goal. Let me give you this example. On some website women were in agreement about the following : "When I, in anger, walk away from a man, I actually want him to come after me." Men do not get that. They absorb such signals of anger and walking away as exactly what it looks like. They'll think: "She's angry, she wants to leave, I'll let her because obviously that's what she wants." So I mainly think your friend either has the exact idea you gave him, or that he is confused. He might even be trying to get over you so he can actually be friends again with you, which you mentioned to him you wanted. But in my opinion he needs to get over his ex first, you probably do not want to be a fling on the side that's competing with his old flame. Edited January 16, 2011 by Nexus One
Author zz11 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 (edited) As a guy, in my opinion, you guys had an unfortunate exchange of communication. Due to your agreement in the past about only being friends a rule was set that you both actually tried or intended to break. I personally think he either got confused after he approached you first when he tried to break that agreement or that he really thinks you guys want to be friends as you mentioned to him. Get this. Guys most often when it comes to women are simple beings, they DO NOT read between the lines or think beyond the exact thing that you tell them. So if you've said no in the past, then that's most likely the idea he has about you in his mind. He probably thinks you still want to be friends only. And that's quite likely also the reason why he dares to mention his ex to you. And that's possibly also the reason why he's taking some distance from you. If a guy is honest and in love with a woman, then he does not want to be her friend, he wants to be lovers. But if he has the idea that you merely want to be his friend, then he might have a hard time being around you. It could be painful for him and if he's a good guy then possibly he's trying to first get over you before hanging out with you again so that he can indeed watch you in the eyes as a friend as you requested from him. Which is, as you say, actually not what you want. I'm not an expert, but if you guys actually really want each other then the "playing field" needs to be cleared. It must be clear that the old agreement is no longer relevant. It must be clear that the only reason you said no to him was because you thought that rule still applied. He though, needs to get over his ex first, period. You mentioned you were shy, but if you're not going to say certain things in a clear and direct way to him he will get a different idea about what you want, simply because he does not think further beyond the exact thing you tell him. Most guys simply are like that. Think of them as simple beings, so if you approach them with multi-layered motives and say things to them where they need to read things between the lines or if you play mind games, then you will probably be confusing the hell out of them or give them the opposite idea that you want them to have and you thus in fact would sabotage your own goal. Let me give you this example. On some website women were in agreement about the following : "When I, in anger, walk away from a man, I actually want him to come after me." Men do not get that. They absorb such signals of anger and walking away as exactly what it looks like. They'll think: "She's angry, she wants to leave, I'll let her because obviously that's what she wants." So I mainly think your friend either has the exact idea you gave him, or that he is confused. He might even be trying to get over you so he can actually be friends again with you, which you mentioned to him you wanted. But in my opinion he needs to get over his ex first, you probably do not want to be a fling on the side that's competing with his old flame. Thanks for the replies everyone! I was really fed up with all the lack of plans the past weeks, so I decided to try for a few days of total NC. But you guessed it - on day one he invited me over to hang out, and I decided to go. He kissed me a few times...guess he doesn't hate me? :\ lol The next day though, I was trying to fix some housing problems and he said, "well we can start saving up for our place together if you want" What?! And then later on he got a serious tone, and said, "You know i'll take care of you, right?" - "Yes" - "I don't know..." and then he didn't finish what he was saying. He has said "You know i'll take care of you, right?" a lot of different times, and he always says it in a really serious tone. Is this 'guy code' for anything? And I guess he does have feelings for me still? I mean, if he didn't care about me, it seems like the last thing he'd mention is living together, right? Edited January 16, 2011 by zz11
shayan Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 be careful I did this to a girl once. I vie never to do a rebound relationship again. He is your friend right, or lover, or something. Distinguish that figure out what it is you have. It may be wise to pull yourself back emotionally while he heals as well.
Author zz11 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks for the replies everyone! I was really fed up with all the lack of plans the past weeks, so I decided to try for a few days of total NC. But you guessed it - on day one he invited me over to hang out, and I decided to go. He kissed me a few times...guess he doesn't hate me? :\ lol The next day though, I was trying to fix some housing problems and he said, "well we can start saving up for our place together if you want" What?! And then later on he got a serious tone, and said, "You know i'll take care of you, right?" - "Yes" - "I don't know..." and then he didn't finish what he was saying. He has said "You know i'll take care of you, right?" a lot of different times, and he always says it in a really serious tone. Is this 'guy code' for anything? And I guess he does have feelings for me still? I mean, if he didn't care about me, it seems like the last thing he'd mention is living together, right? anyone have any thoughts on this post? ^
iJester Posted January 18, 2011 Posted January 18, 2011 anyone have any thoughts on this post? Try actually doing NC. Tell him that you want a relationship and FWB isn't going to work. You want to work toward something serious and if that's not what he wants then he needs to completely leave you alone until you're ready to be friends again. Do not answer any of his contact that does not explicitly state he wants to seriously be with you.
Nexus One Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 anyone have any thoughts on this post? ^ I think he meant it in the context of your housing problem. In the sense that he'll take care of a roof over your head or take care of you financially and perhaps emotionally and of other needs you have. In the sense that he wanted to take away your worries. I'm guessing he said it with a loving feeling, but I'm only guessing due to not having heard his tone.
Author zz11 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I think he meant it in the context of your housing problem. In the sense that he'll take care of a roof over your head or take care of you financially and perhaps emotionally and of other needs you have. In the sense that he wanted to take away your worries. I'm guessing he said it with a loving feeling, but I'm only guessing due to not having heard his tone. yeah, he said it with a loving feeling. he's said it many times before in the past too. like sometimes he will randomly kiss me, and then say it for no reason.
Nexus One Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 yeah, he said it with a loving feeling. he's said it many times before in the past too. like sometimes he will randomly kiss me, and then say it for no reason. Perhaps it's just the line he uses for communicating his affection towards you. It could be 'his way' of expressing it verbally. Not everyone uses the exact same phrases to communicate affection, except for maybe the obvious 'I love you' phrase.
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