Guy i've been seeing said he's not over his ex, now everything has gone downhill

[zz11]

I've been casually dating my best friend. We agreed to not get serious, but he became attached to me very quickly. He would invite me to come over everyday, always kissing and hugging me, always calling me, always wanting to be with me. (Not in an obsessive way, just clearly attached to me.) He even started talking about how he wanted to get a place with me. (He brought this up many times.)

 

One night he called me, tipsy, and told me that he loved me even though we agreed not to, and he always had. I confronted him one day, and asked if he really loved me. He said that he knows he said that, but he does not want a relationship because he knows he's not ready for one, and isn't over his last one. I said okay, I was just asking since you said it.

 

From that day on though, it feels like EVERYTHING has gone downhill. He still calls me everyday, but he only initiates seeing me like once, maybe twice, a week. I'll ask if he wants to do something, and I get a "maybe" or "i kinda want to be alone today" He has also went into some kind of depression mode over his ex. One day he said he hated how he's not over it, and felt like he was leading me on by not being over it completely. Keep in mind, this is the guy who was planning our future house two months ago...yikes.

 

This information about his ex came out of nowhere, and now I'm riding an emotional rollercoaster. We've been seeing each other for about 7 months (been best friends for about 6 years though) and now i'm wondering if he ever meant ANYTHING. He used to say that I was the only thing that made him happy everyday, and now he barely wants to see me.

 

He still calls me everyday, so it's not like he "broke up with me." Should we just continue on like normal, and me give him time? Am I a fool for still giving this a chance? I just don't know how he could say he loved me, and then bring up his ex.

[Karma20]

Look up rebound relationships, seems your situation fits the scenario. I'm not sure it's up to you whether there is a chance or not. If I were you I would let him go to figure out what and who he wants.

[zz11]

Look up rebound relationships, seems your situation fits the scenario. I'm not sure it's up to you whether there is a chance or not. If I were you I would let him go to figure out what and who he wants.

 

I thought that this could be it, but he told me that he has loved me for a long time, and that we always just had bad timing in the past. It's not like i'm just the first random girl he found, you know?

[Karma20]

Sometimes it's not a random girl they get into a rebound with. I'm not down playing his feelings for you, I just think it sounds like a text book rebound relationship.

[zz11]

Sometimes it's not a random girl they get into a rebound with. I'm not down playing his feelings for you, I just think it sounds like a text book rebound relationship.

 

sucks but thanks.

[Lucky555]

I thought that this could be it, but he told me that he has loved me for a long time, and that we always just had bad timing in the past. It's not like i'm just the first random girl he found, you know?

 

I think he needs to see what its like to miss you!!! Let him chase you. For some people they are dealing with a loss (hence the depression) However, I think from reading this you might be trying to hard. Let him chase you, go out with your friends, keep you eye out on attractive guys (you can look cant you), and realize that if he wants to be with someone else he can its his choice. I would definitely be a dominant woman here. You know what you want and you should get what you want and thats a man that only see you! If he is not over his ex then you need to say you dont want to be with someone who cant invest themselves in you. Have him set a date when he is ready for a relationship, im sorry but you got to stop "babying" him or you will be a rebound. caring is hard not to do but you can care..but by showing him you need a man for you he knows he is going to lose you and may develop different feelings. He could be dwelling on a loss but not realize what he needs is right in front of him. Sorry but guys just are silly sometimes!!

[pandagirl]

Maybe you were a "rebound," but it doesn't mean he thought you were, or that he doesn't care about you. You said you were friends for years prior to dating, so I'm sure that is not the case.

 

After a tough breakup, emotions are all over the place. I don't think he meant to mislead you, but he is handling this rather poorly if he isn't willing to communicate with you in a proper, mature way about your relationship. He owes you that.

[flying]

I went back and read your story. It sounds like you have been doing the "are we or aren't we" dance for months now, and even though he was dropping hints about stronger feelings, you didn't know how to handle that so you glossed over it.

 

The "I'm not ready" could mean just exactly that. It could also be a way of assessing where you are. It could be a passive-aggressive/hurt way of punishing you for not responding in kind months ago - I'm not chastising you, but I am saying it's probably natural that he might pull back a bit, given that you didn't respond to his earlier prompts for a more serious relationship. It's also possible, by the way, that he's the sort of person who has no problem teasing others with the possibility of a serious relationship, but freaks out if there's a serious response. I don't know him, so I'd say any of the above might be true, or some pieces of it.

 

In this particular case, given the timing, I suspect that there's something else going on in addition to any or all of the above, what with the sudden resurgence of the ex. I'm guessing she got in touch with him recently, or vice versa. Probably for the holidays. That's when the "I'm not ready" happened, after all. He may have been unsure about where you two are (something you both share responsibility for) and wondering about whether it's going to work out. Who knows.

 

I think you need to finally woman up and have an honest conversation with him about what's going to happen. The FWB thing works as long as everyone's cool with the status quo. It seems like maybe that time is past?

 

Also, did she break up with him?

[zz11]

I went back and read your story. It sounds like you have been doing the "are we or aren't we" dance for months now, and even though he was dropping hints about stronger feelings, you didn't know how to handle that so you glossed over it.

 

The "I'm not ready" could mean just exactly that. It could also be a way of assessing where you are. It could be a passive-aggressive/hurt way of punishing you for not responding in kind months ago - I'm not chastising you, but I am saying it's probably natural that he might pull back a bit, given that you didn't respond to his earlier prompts for a more serious relationship. It's also possible, by the way, that he's the sort of person who has no problem teasing others with the possibility of a serious relationship, but freaks out if there's a serious response. I don't know him, so I'd say any of the above might be true, or some pieces of it.

 

In this particular case, given the timing, I suspect that there's something else going on in addition to any or all of the above, what with the sudden resurgence of the ex. I'm guessing she got in touch with him recently, or vice versa. Probably for the holidays. That's when the "I'm not ready" happened, after all. He may have been unsure about where you two are (something you both share responsibility for) and wondering about whether it's going to work out. Who knows.

 

I think you need to finally woman up and have an honest conversation with him about what's going to happen. The FWB thing works as long as everyone's cool with the status quo. It seems like maybe that time is past?

 

Also, did she break up with him?

 

He dropped a ton of hints in the past, but I never cared to address them because of our agreement. I'm a shy person, and I couldn't just throw myself out there like that and risk my pride. Silly, I know. I would've happily been with him months ago though.

 

And to be honest, I didn't even fully address his drunken 'i love you' when he said it. I just kind of listened to it. I just really did not know how to express my feelings towards someone who had said there would be no feelings...almost like I felt like I was being tricked or something...haha.

 

I guess I just don't really understand why he would punish me, when he's the one who told me he wasn't ready to begin with. When someone says they aren't ready, the last thing the other person wants to do is throw their feelings on the table...so I just didn't. For awhile I thought that maybe I had hurt his feelings by not responding ever?...but he's the one who said he couldn't be in a relationship, so he brought this upon himself.

 

Also, i'm 200% sure they have not been in contact. She broke up with him.

[fwang]

We are in the same boat.

 

I dated this guy for almost 4 months. He went after me first, stating that it's love at first sight. Actually, I am not that physically nor mentally attracted by him even though he is a very smart guy.

 

After we had been dating for 1 month, he suddenly told me that he still kept in touch with all his ex girlfriends. And he admits that he still has the feeling for his ex girlfriend and they still hang out as friends.

 

Then he told me, he and his ex girlfriend had been in a serious relationship for 6 months. After dating for 2 months, the girl was pregnant and then had a abortion. After they broke up, they still saw each other for almost 8 months.

 

After hearing this, I was like "why don't come back to your ex again if you and her are so in love?"

 

We attended one friend's wedding. After the wedding, he told me that he was not looking for something serious but he didn't want to date somebody else right now except me even his ex girl still asked to sleep with him.

 

2 weeks later, he started to act weird. We then had a talk. This time, he said that he was not that into me and he just wanted something casual. He kept saying that he needed more space even thought he was the one who initiated 80% of the dates.

 

I just smiled to him and accepted all the deals. The fact is that I started to see others one month ago.

[zz11]

We are in the same boat.

 

I dated this guy for almost 4 months. He went after me first, stating that it's love at first sight. Actually, I am not that physically nor mentally attracted by him even though he is a very smart guy.

 

After we had been dating for 1 month, he suddenly told me that he still kept in touch with all his ex girlfriends. And he admits that he still has the feeling for his ex girlfriend and they still hang out as friends.

 

Then he told me, he and his ex girlfriend had been in a serious relationship for 6 months. After dating for 2 months, the girl was pregnant and then had a abortion. After they broke up, they still saw each other for almost 8 months.

 

After hearing this, I was like "why don't come back to your ex again if you and her are so in love?"

 

We attended one friend's wedding. After the wedding, he told me that he was not looking for something serious but he didn't want to date somebody else right now except me even his ex girl still asked to sleep with him.

 

2 weeks later, he started to act weird. We then had a talk. This time, he said that he was not that into me and he just wanted something casual. He kept saying that he needed more space even thought he was the one who initiated 80% of the dates.

 

I just smiled to him and accepted all the deals. The fact is that I started to see others one month ago.

 

Haha, i love the "initiated 80% of the dates" part. All you can really do is smile, huh? I'm starting to envy my friends who have emotionless boyfriends lol

[zz11]

Maybe you were a "rebound," but it doesn't mean he thought you were, or that he doesn't care about you. You said you were friends for years prior to dating, so I'm sure that is not the case.

 

After a tough breakup, emotions are all over the place. I don't think he meant to mislead you, but he is handling this rather poorly if he isn't willing to communicate with you in a proper, mature way about your relationship. He owes you that.

 

Yeah, I know he's not some user jerk who mislead me on purpose. I really don't even doubt his 'i love you,' because i'm pretty sure he has had feelings for me for the past 4 years. It just hurts to know that now we have perfect timing for the first time EVER, and he's screwing things up with his crazy emotions.

[ConflictedGuy27]

just stop taking his calls.

this game is self perpetuating. if you want each other, be with each other; otherwise, stop all the "acting as though" we're together games.

 

if you pull back, he'll ask you out.

I'd bet $20 on that outcome. he'd breakdown in less than a week if he's calling you daily.

 

do it & see.

[flying]

Yeah, I know he's not some user jerk who mislead me on purpose. I really don't even doubt his 'i love you,' because i'm pretty sure he has had feelings for me for the past 4 years. It just hurts to know that now we have perfect timing for the first time EVER, and he's screwing things up with his crazy emotions.

 

That seems a bit unfair to him...one could argue that you've been screwing things up with your own crazy emotions, by not responding to his overtures when you had the chance. I'm really not trying to harsh on you, but I'm just saying that you both created this situation. I think you really do have to just get up the courage to tell him you want more now. Assuming you actually do. Try being direct.

[zz11]

That seems a bit unfair to him...one could argue that you've been screwing things up with your own crazy emotions, by not responding to his overtures when you had the chance. I'm really not trying to harsh on you, but I'm just saying that you both created this situation. I think you really do have to just get up the courage to tell him you want more now. Assuming you actually do. Try being direct.

 

Is it even worth it? I mean I really don't have anything to lose I guess, but is the extra drama worth it since he told me he still thinks about his ex?

 

Also, I asked him if he really loved me, and he said 'i know what i said, and i care about you more than anything, but i don't want a relationship right now. Still hurt from my ex.' I said, 'Okay, i'm not asking to pressure you. i was just questioning the things you said.' He said, 'Well why do you want to know? Were you going to tell me you love me or something?' I said, 'No, just seeing where you're at.' He said, 'Are you sure?' I said, 'Yes.' We ended at that.

 

I know he could have been asking that to make sure 100% I wasn't looking for something serious, or maybe he was trying to make me say it? Maybe I hurt his feelings?

[zz11]

just stop taking his calls.

this game is self perpetuating. if you want each other, be with each other; otherwise, stop all the "acting as though" we're together games.

 

if you pull back, he'll ask you out.

I'd bet $20 on that outcome. he'd breakdown in less than a week if he's calling you daily.

 

do it & see.

 

 

Ugh...really haven't seen him in like two weeks. I have initiated hanging out only twice this week, and each time got a "eh, don't feel like it today." I'm really about to freak out and demand to know why he won't see me, but i'm also afraid that will only push him further away. This is really getting aggravating though. He calls me 3 times a day, acting completely normal, but turns down EVERY hang-out offer. I really wish I knew what went wrong...for the past 5 months, before all the ex stuff, we were seeing each other 5 times a week (by his request)

Edited January 13, 2011 by zz11

[flying]

Is it even worth it? I mean I really don't have anything to lose I guess, but is the extra drama worth it since he told me he still thinks about his ex?

 

Also, I asked him if he really loved me, and he said 'i know what i said, and i care about you more than anything, but i don't want a relationship right now. Still hurt from my ex.' I said, 'Okay, i'm not asking to pressure you. i was just questioning the things you said.' He said, 'Well why do you want to know? Were you going to tell me you love me or something?' I said, 'No, just seeing where you're at.' He said, 'Are you sure?' I said, 'Yes.' We ended at that.

 

I know he could have been asking that to make sure 100% I wasn't looking for something serious, or maybe he was trying to make me say it? Maybe I hurt his feelings?

 

OK...IMO, yeah, he was fishing for you to say something more direct, and you didn't do it. So yeah, I think you hurt his feelings. JMO.

 

I think you have to be braver than this. Do you really want to be in limbo for an unknown period of time? Sometimes it's better to rip off the bandaid. I don't see how you could push him away when he's not calling. And it sure sounds like he's not calling because you aren't willing to give him anything to go on.

 

I don't know why he dragged his ex into this...I think that's crappy on his part. But at a guess, considering everything else you've told us, it could be to make you jealous. Who knows.

 

What's the worst that could happen? You tell him you want an actual relationship with him, and he says no. How is that worse than what's happening right now?

 

I don't know where love enters into it either...I mean, you haven't actually said how you do feel about this guy. What do you really want from him? How do you really feel?

[zz11]

OK...IMO, yeah, he was fishing for you to say something more direct, and you didn't do it. So yeah, I think you hurt his feelings. JMO.

 

I think you have to be braver than this. Do you really want to be in limbo for an unknown period of time? Sometimes it's better to rip off the bandaid. I don't see how you could push him away when he's not calling. And it sure sounds like he's not calling because you aren't willing to give him anything to go on.

 

I don't know why he dragged his ex into this...I think that's crappy on his part. But at a guess, considering everything else you've told us, it could be to make you jealous. Who knows.

 

What's the worst that could happen? You tell him you want an actual relationship with him, and he says no. How is that worse than what's happening right now?

 

I don't know where love enters into it either...I mean, you haven't actually said how you do feel about this guy. What do you really want from him? How do you really feel?

 

wait, he still calls me...usually 3 times a day! just everytime i ask if he wants to hang out, i get a "maybe" or "not today" and then he just hangs out at home, or sometimes with his best guy friend. i've even asked him, "are you mad at me? just making sure, because you never wanna hang out" and he said, "huh? i don't know what you're talking about." lol, even though it is clear we went from seeing each other daily, to MAYBE once a week.

 

and i love him more than anything. whenever i asked if he loved me, i really expected him to say yes, and then i was going to admit my love too. instead, he just replied with the "don't want a relationship" and i was too shocked to go with plan A.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Ugh...really haven't seen him in like two weeks. I have initiated hanging out only twice this week, and each time got a "eh, don't feel like it today." I'm really about to freak out and demand to know why he won't see me, but i'm also afraid that will only push him further away. This is really getting aggravating though. He calls me 3 times a day, acting completely normal, but turns down EVERY hang-out offer. I really wish I knew what went wrong...for the past 5 months, before all the ex stuff, we were seeing each other 5 times a week (by his request)

 

you realize I suggested you stop taking his calls (all of them) for a week, right? any thoughts on that suggestion?

 

or would you rather not risk "pushing him further away", by continuing to meet his needs, at the cost of your own -- you know, sorta like a well behaved codependent.

[pandagirl]

wait, he still calls me...usually 3 times a day! just everytime i ask if he wants to hang out, i get a "maybe" or "not today" and then he just hangs out at home, or sometimes with his best guy friend. i've even asked him, "are you mad at me? just making sure, because you never wanna hang out" and he said, "huh? i don't know what you're talking about." lol, even though it is clear we went from seeing each other daily, to MAYBE once a week.

 

and i love him more than anything. whenever i asked if he loved me, i really expected him to say yes, and then i was going to admit my love too. instead, he just replied with the "don't want a relationship" and i was too shocked to go with plan A.

 

Not to sound harsh... but I think you really have you questioned answered. You clearly want a relationship with him, and he told you flat out that he doesn't. I'm sure he likes you, but he doesn't see anything progressing with you in terms of seriousness.

 

I would just back off for now and keep yourself busy with doing stuff with your friends!

[zz11]

you realize I suggested you stop taking his calls (all of them) for a week, right? any thoughts on that suggestion?

 

or would you rather not risk "pushing him further away", by continuing to meet his needs, at the cost of your own -- you know, sorta like a well behaved codependent.

 

oops! i guess i totally misread this and didn't notice the "just stop taking his calls." in my post, i meant i pulled back by never trying to make plans with him...only twice in two weeks. you're phone call idea does sound good though. thanks.

[zz11]

Not to sound harsh... but I think you really have you questioned answered. You clearly want a relationship with him, and he told you flat out that he doesn't. I'm sure he likes you, but he doesn't see anything progressing with you in terms of seriousness.

 

I would just back off for now and keep yourself busy with doing stuff with your friends!

 

I've been really, really trying with the friends thing! Super hard though, considering we've spent 24/7 together since forever.

 

And yes, I know he told me flat out. :\ It's just when I add in all the extra details, (him having feelings for me for 4 years, him saying "lets buy that when we get a house" just last month, him inviting me to his family Christmas party) I always end up thinking I did something wrong to all of a sudden change things. And i've never told him I love him, or told him I want a relationship, so I know I didn't scare him away with that...

[Lishy]

I've been really, really trying with the friends thing! Super hard though, considering we've spent 24/7 together since forever.

 

And yes, I know he told me flat out. :\ It's just when I add in all the extra details, (him having feelings for me for 4 years, him saying "lets buy that when we get a house" just last month, him inviting me to his family Christmas party) I always end up thinking I did something wrong to all of a sudden change things. And i've never told him I love him, or told him I want a relationship, so I know I didn't scare him away with that...

 

You really need to stop taking his calls and let him miss you ... its the only way and you will know for sure one way or another

[ConflictedGuy27]

it just hit me I was kind of in a simlar situation waaaay back, like teens.

 

I was buddies with a girl (I had a crush on her). she would get boy friends and all that jazz, so I eventually gave up on romance with her.

 

when I got a girl friend, guess who inwas BANNED from seeing ever again.

my best female friend. I was held hostage by the action I was getting elsewhere... what was a young boy to do??

 

lie.

 

I didn't see my friend anymore - didn't want to risk to risk the regular boobage. I called her though; paged her numeric messages; she'd pick up when I called or page me back; when she wanted to hang, I'd come up with some excuse; eventually, out of embarrassment, I stopped calling (probably out of convincing lies); we grew apart. then life sorta went on.

 

she ignored me at school though.

 

funny... I forgot about that. I really liked my friend the whole time too. as I remember it, would've traded my then girl friend for my friend, in a blink, if I thought there was a shot.

[applestar]

oh wow! this sounds almost exactly like me and my boyfriend. hes my best friend and i've seen him with his past ex and a girl he used to like as well, so ive known him through all of those things, and we've been bffs for 5 years. last year (well, its 2011 so last last year) we started having some feelings for each other, but his ex broke up with him a couple months prior to that, so i always felt it was a rebound thing on me too, even though he has always said it wasnt and firmly believed it wasnt. its been a rollercoaster for me too, having him say he wasnt ready to pursue anything with me during that time, and then yet having something with him, then he even got back with his ex for about >2 months and then it was over for good last year, and then he just kind of got over her over time. lots of time, in his case, id say about 6 months and was completely 110% over her by the time we started officially dating. oh and he is also a depressed type one too esp since he didn't break up with her the first time. and he was soo hung over about her and wanted her back even while we started to have this thing.

 

i can't say that i think its the right thing to either leave him or stay with him, but in my case, i stayed with him and was still there through thick and thin with him. it was very hard on me but, i'm glad now at this moment about it all bc we've really grown close the practically 1 yr we've been together (unofficially) - officially, 6 months upcoming. we actually had a break up/break during the holiday season -_- go figure, but got back together soon after that bc i think it was his 60hrs a week new job that got in the way a bit, but honestly, for me, i really like him and he and i fit together extremely well, plus that hes my best friend, so i'm glad i stuck around for him even though i had to deal with him getting over his ex. we've gone through so many hurdles, and like you too, we talked about our future together and really embraced the idea of living together, maybe marriage, kids, family, etc...

 

when we did get on that little holiday break, he told me some similar things too, that he was confused by his feelings and that we've been arguing lot more, so wanted a break so he wouldnt lead me on. i was so depressed during that time, but following the advice on this forum, i didn't talk to him for awhile and kind of did my own thing and waited to see if he'd end up chasing me again.

 

which he did. we're back together and our difficulties fixed, and everything has only been going uphill. so if you want to wait, the time is well worth it. because even if it doesnt end up working, you still became a better you

Edited January 16, 2011 by applestar