radrluv72 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 My best guy friend, I've known since he was a senior in high school. As a matter of fact, during his senior year, he had developed a bit of a crush on me but never followed through on it...but during the 18 years or so that we've known eachother, he's always been there for me, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Usually he's there to listen, but doesn't have much to say in terms of advice and offers a shoulder to cry on. But Monday of last week, for the first time, he gave me clear & definite insight to my most recent breakup, which happened 5 weeks ago. I'm on day 11 of NC with my ex, who is currently deployed in Afghanistan and broke up with me 2 days before he shipped out. I hadn't talked to my friend since my ex and had started dating, and ever since the split, I'd been unable to reach him by phone or FB. He finally called me up Monday night, and I was on the phone with him for 3 hours, sobbing my eyes out, telling him everything that had happened. I had told him that on a wonderful night out with my ex, how my ex suddenly started spewing out non-reason reasons for suddenly wanting to break up--basicly pulling straws out of his hat until he came up with one that would devastate me, which was someone else that he was suddenly interersted in. While in the middle of my story, my friend interrupted me, with some shockingly specific insight. My friend said to me, that my story was sounding incredibly similar to something that happened to him back when he was 19 and in college, or rather, something he did to a girl he was dating back then. While he wasin school in Ames, there was a girl back home that he was dating, who was as he stated, "perfect" for him. He could see himself with her, having a future, and was indeed crazy about her...but all the while, scared to death that she would up and leave him while he was away at school...like she was too good to be true. The idea of her leaving him while he was away was too much to bear. And since he was 19, the intensity of what he felt for her, frightened him. So in turn, the only way he knew to deal with it, was to deliberately screw up his relationship with his "perfect" girl. What did he do? Simple. He met another girl at school...someone that didn't matter as much to him, someone that he could essentially give 2 s***s about, someone that he couldn't see himself with in the future. He started dating both of them at the same time until he let himself get caught. And that was it. And in listening to me, he said, everything that happened to me 4 weeks previously with my ex, brought it all back for him. He's married now and loves his wife and his family, but hearing the pain in my voice he said, brings back all the regret of what he did to his "perfect" girl. My ex is younger than me, but in a lot of ways, seemed more mature than his chronological age. But at the base, he's still a 24 year old guy who's awkward, slightly unsure of himself, and been burned a few times in the past year because of the fact that he travels so much being a military officer. My friend told me that he truly believes that the reason my ex bailed on me like he did was because he cared about me, saw a future with me, and that I was the kind of girl he could see himself with...but, bitterly enough, probably thinks I'm too good to be true. That he's immature and not ready for what he's feeling about me. He also seemed to think that my ex broke with me as a reaction to his being delpoyed; that maybe he wanted absolutely no ties to home because of the fact that he was going someplace so dangerous. But regardless of the reason, he said to me "he's hurting too over this. And he won't forget you". He also told me that in regards to my ex's story that there apparently was someone else that he was interested in...he told me that he doesn't believe that there's another girl. Yes, I did find that he's been talking to someone since he left, but my friend told me, that whatever he's doing with this other girl, he doesn't care about her--period. He says that he's essentially using her, either to delay dealing with his feelings about breaking up with me or to just fill the void...but whatever the reason, he could care less if she leaves. But the idea of my leaving him...he couldn't take it. So he struck what he thought was the necessary blow to protect himself. The next day after having this long talk with my friend, I did wake up the next morning finally starting to feel like I was getting myself back, but I don't know that I was any more hopeful that my ex would realize the massive mistake he's made. Emotional immaturity & stubborness can't be overcome immeadiately. While I pray daily for some kind of miracle, I also have to deal with the fact that my ex very may well not come back to me. I struggle each day with NC, and try so hard not to look at his FB page. but I have to remember what my friend told me. This was not my fault and I did nothing wrong. My ex screwed this up, not me. I have to quit blaming myself, and if my ex doesn't come back for a reconciliation, somewhere out there, the perfect man is waiting for me. It's a hard pill to swallow...the idea that the man that I fell in love with, and that every fiber of my being tells me is the one, will not return. I've read posts here where some say, the chance of your ex coming back all depends on the circumstances under which you broke up. I so much don't want to hang my hat of any of that, because I know the slightest inkling of false hope will be my downfall as I'm trying to mend my heart back together. But my friend...he picked me up, and set me right side up on the tracks, and gave me a small push to get me going again, alone. And I highly attribute this to the fact that he is what he is...he's a guy. He finally gave me the insight & the clarity that I'd been needing to hear for weeks since my ex refused to talk about the breakup & put up a sudden, huge wall. He gave some much-needed closure. I'm incredibly thankful for my friend. We jokingly tell eachother that he's my "therapist"...of which he says, "yes, but the pay sucks".
AgeOfUninnocence Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 My friend said to me, that my story was sounding incredibly similar to something that happened to him back when he was 19 and in college, or rather, something he did to a girl he was dating back then. While he wasin school in Ames, there was a girl back home that he was dating, who was as he stated, "perfect" for him. He could see himself with her, having a future, and was indeed crazy about her...but all the while, scared to death that she would up and leave him while he was away at school...like she was too good to be true. The idea of her leaving him while he was away was too much to bear. And since he was 19, the intensity of what he felt for her, frightened him. So in turn, the only way he knew to deal with it, was to deliberately screw up his relationship with his "perfect" girl. What did he do? Simple. He met another girl at school...someone that didn't matter as much to him, someone that he could essentially give 2 s***s about, someone that he couldn't see himself with in the future. He started dating both of them at the same time until he let himself get caught. And that was it. And in listening to me, he said, everything that happened to me 4 weeks previously with my ex, brought it all back for him. He's married now and loves his wife and his family, but hearing the pain in my voice he said, brings back all the regret of what he did to his "perfect" girl. I can't believe that no one has responded to this yet! Thanks for sharing this story. Despite the fact that I'm sure it's almost filled with too much false hope, it actually did make me feel a lot better today. I feel like the EXACT same thing also happened in my relationship, because after I'd poll our mutual friends about it, they'd tell me they'd be talking to my ex about it and that he said our relationship was just "too perfect." Which is a ridiculous reason to break up, and I still think makes absolutely no sense. But seriously, the same thing happened. He always would say to me that he was afraid I was going to leave him, or that if we ever broke up it would be because I did it, and then he ended up meeting this other girl closer to his school and broke up with me to be with her. Although the difference is he was actually infatuated with her or something. Probably a proximity thing. Bahh. Anyway, the other part I find funny was that my ex was the same age when this happened too. Silly 19 year old immature boys!
shayan Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 (edited) good luck moving on. Edited January 13, 2011 by shayan
Author radrluv72 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 I can't believe that no one has responded to this yet! Thanks for sharing this story. Despite the fact that I'm sure it's almost filled with too much false hope, it actually did make me feel a lot better today. I feel like the EXACT same thing also happened in my relationship, because after I'd poll our mutual friends about it, they'd tell me they'd be talking to my ex about it and that he said our relationship was just "too perfect." Which is a ridiculous reason to break up, and I still think makes absolutely no sense. But seriously, the same thing happened. He always would say to me that he was afraid I was going to leave him, or that if we ever broke up it would be because I did it, and then he ended up meeting this other girl closer to his school and broke up with me to be with her. Although the difference is he was actually infatuated with her or something. Probably a proximity thing. Bahh. Anyway, the other part I find funny was that my ex was the same age when this happened too. Silly 19 year old immature boys! Well, I'm glad that I made someone else feel better when I wrote this! As far as false hope goes, I'm well past that point. My friend did tell me after discussing his own experience, that my ex was simply "not ready", being extremely immature on how he handled the whole thing, and that he screwed the whole thing up, not me. But also said that I had to deal with the reality that he may never realize his own mistake, and may never come back to talk things over. I'm on day 15 of NC, and I'm doing so much better than I was. I've currently met an incredibly handsome man who's my age, divorced with 3 boys, and he's a total delight. He's also aware of the situation with my ex, and has been incredibly patient for me to get to a point where I actually felt ready to move on. Still, the mere idea of my ex contacting me anywhere in the near future, even when he gets back from Afghanistan almost sends me into a panic, because really, my heart is so hardened towards him at this point that I couldn't talk to him, even if he begged. Immaturity is not an excuse for treating relationships like they're games, and one should never assume another's intentions or what is in their hearts. I did everything that I could have done to work things out, said everything that I needed to say...whether he chooses to pick up the ball that's in his court, is up to him. But I'm not waiting to see.
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