htownloc Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Hey guys and gals. Looking for a little help. Checked a few other threads but didn't find one I felt was close enough to mine so I figured I'd see what you thought. Here's the situation: I've said I love you to 2 women. One was about 10 years ago and I definitely was not. The other was with a gal that because of distance, we never got to see if it was real love, but I don't think it was. So needless to say, I'm not good in that category. I'm dating an awesome gal. She is 10 years older than me (I'm 31). We have been together 7 months. She hasn't had many relationships either. She has never been married and has no children. We are both from a smaller town where we have known eachother for years. She is related to some of my best buddies. Her family likes me and mine likes her. Everything is ideal and going well. The other night, she said "I Love You." I am okay with that. I chose not to say it back. She said that she didn't want me to feel like I had to say it back but that she wanted me to know how she felt. I think it's possible that I could fall in love with her, but I also have my guard on high defense given the close ties to our friends and family and everything else. One other thing that I feel obligated to tell you is that I have never cheated on her but I remain very close with some female friends of mine. Every so often I kind of ask my self the "what if" scenarios but I don't think I would ever act on it. I just think my mind wanders that way a little. Not sure if thats normal My questions are as follows: Am I a complete jerk for not saying it back? How should I go about things from here? Is it wrong that my mind sometimes wanders from my current situation? Just looking for a little insight. The people I normally talk to about this aren't available because of who it is I am with. Thanks.
refurb Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 My advice? RUN!!! Just kidding. To answer you questions: 1. No, you're not a jerk. You'd be a jerk for saying it back if you didn't mean it. Did you explain yourself to her? Did you tell her how you feel? 2. If you think the relationship has potential, why not just keep going? If you don't think you'll ever feel the same, end it. 3. Welcome to the club. I don't think people ever stop finding others attractive and wonder. If you're honest with yourself, you should be able to tell whether its normal feelings or a sign of something more serious. RF
carhill Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 My questions are as follows: Am I a complete jerk for not saying it back?No, but see my comments below. How should I go about things from here?Tell her how you do feel. Is it wrong that my mind sometimes wanders from my current situation?Wrong? No. A sign? Perhaps. It all depends on the parameters. The main issue I'd like to address is, presuming you've had constant contact for seven months and have been sexually intimate for the majority of that time, what about this dynamic precludes you from feeling 'in love' or 'love' to the extent that you are ambivalent about saying you love her. I accept that your silence is an accurate representation of your feelings and my question is what are those feelings and why has constant intimacy and sex not inspired love within your heart and soul (your emotional mind, if you will)? Care to share? Tell me about the last person you were in love with and how that went. Welcome to LS
Author htownloc Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks for the reply RF. Even the "Run" part. =) I did briefly explain that I wasn't there yet and she seemed okay about it. I do think it could get there and like I said she is an awesome girl so I figure we'll see how things go. Carhill, the last person I was in love with was a few years back. We were together for 18 months but only the first 3 did we live less than an hour away from each other. the last 15 was pretty much weekend trips (thankfully my job allowed for that). I think I said "I Love You" about 5 months in. At the time, I wasn't sure if I was but I do think I was very close. I think the saying it and the way things went after made it apparent that I was. it just felt different. But for all a lot of other reasons (finances, jobs, agreements, etc...) we weren't able to be closer and over time, I think we fell out of love, with me ultimately pulling the plug on the situation. You bring up a good point. I'm not sure why my emotional mind hasn't been able to grasp whats going on. I am one of those guys who doesn't show a lot of emotion and perhaps it's something I should be working on. I am also one of those guys that had a lot of fun and maybe I am having a hard time shedding those ways. The intimacy part is there and we have great times together. I think part of the feelings are that should this situation go wrong, I think a lot of people will be mad. Not necessarily at me, but just the fact that it didn't work out. As I said, she is related to one of my best friends and several other buddies. Our families have known each other for years and it's just very "close to home." I think that may be one of the issues affecting my feelings. I am not sure what else could be a factor.
carhill Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Tell me, in that brain haze which are the first feelings of consciousness in the morning when you wake up, and you wake up alone, what are those feelings? Considering your past style, what about this dynamic is different, accepting that family and friends are closer to this woman? Did distance cause the heart to grow more fond? What? I think identifying those markers in oneself which say 'I love you' are crucial to growing an intimate relationship. I know what they are in myself. Each of us is different. You mention having difficulty expressing emotion; that's very different from having difficulty *feeling* emotion. Which would you say is the most prevalent? Why? Hopefully, some reflection will help. I find those hazy moments of first awakening to be a great time. YMMV... good luck
Recommended Posts