bittersweet Posted March 19, 2004 Posted March 19, 2004 My boyfriend of six years just broke-up with me. We are going through a whole bunch right now- he was cheating on me for the last three months. I gave him a second chance and its two weeks later and he's telling me it's not going to work. Of course the thing that's going through my head is that he's leaving me for the other girl. He tells me he's not but just can't deal with me not trusting him. She keeps calling him (I just found that out lastnight) and right now I feel like he's only leaving me because he can't get away with lying to me. Wouldn't he want to try his hardest to make me trust him? Why is he assuming I'll continue to not trust him? What do I do now?
shopgrl Posted March 19, 2004 Posted March 19, 2004 Bittersweet-- I'm sorry for the pain your going through. Six years??!! Holy crap that's a very, very long time to be with someone. How old are you guys? I've never been in your situation so I cannot speak from experience but personally, I would not want someone if they cheated on me. That's one thing I couldn't forgive and forget. Do you trust this guy? Maybe he's really not leaving you for this other girl. Maybe he truly feels that you don't trust him (rightfully so and you shouldn't) or maybe he just feels so damn guilty about what he did to you that he can't deal with it. Guys are complicated. All in all though, he's the one with the problem not you. I agree with you ---He should be trying his very hardest to get you to trust him again. For gosh sakes, he's the one who lost your trust so he should be the one to regain it. This is the way I see your situation......After six years you find out that this man has been cheating on you for 3 months. You were willing to give him a second chance. Then after 2 weeks of his second chance he has the balls to break up with you because he can't deal with you not trusting him! How can this man even expect you to trust him again, let alone after 2 weeks into his second chance?? Don't let him blame you or make you feel like this break up is your fault for not trusting him, he's the cheater. It sounds like you did nothing wrong but give him a second chance. Chalk this one up as experience. I know it's tough, trust me, I'm going through a 3 year break up right now. He doesn't deserve you. If he truly loves you and truly regrets cheating on you, he'll be back to earn your trust again and then the decision will be in your hands whether you want to give him a third chance. For now girl, do yourself a favor and move on. Things will work out for the best, they always do.
Author bittersweet Posted March 19, 2004 Author Posted March 19, 2004 It's very comforting to know I'm not the only one going through something like this. I am 25 and he's 27. This other girl was 20!!! We were talking a lot this morning- he's at work. He's acting like he'll say anything for me to leave him alone but of course says the other girl has nothing to do with it. He says he thinks it should of been this way a long time ago and yes, he can't deal with the guilt he feels for hurting me. He also admitted that no, he doesn't know what he wants right now and he's willing to take the chance of losing me forever. I think deep down that he's trying to see her and won't let me know that because he knows that will ruin his chances with me no matter what. It's Friday and we would get it arguments like this when he was cheating behind my back- he would never budge, never allow the chance of me coming over to talk. He knows what I'm thinking and he said I'm wrong and can check-up on him later to see he's not with her. That's sick to think but now all I'm waiting for is to see what happens tonight. I have a feeling I'll call him around 6 or 7 and he'll have his phone off. If I go there, the door will be locked and nobody will answer, and if they do, he won't be there. Then, I'll end up very upset tonight thinking constantly about him being with her. I see it alraedy and I'm so afraid. I'm picking him up at work for his lunch break and now I'm thinking he's only seeing me at noon because he's not planning on seeing me later. I'm very afraid and very lost. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with- hearing after six years and an affair that my b/f wants to break-up and continues to say his fling is not his interest
shopgrl Posted March 19, 2004 Posted March 19, 2004 Bittersweet-- What are you doing picking him up for lunch??!!! AHHHH!!! So, it sounds as though he's confused. Maybe he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I mean maybe he wants you and this little girl. He's willing to take the risk of losing you-- so let him do just that. Right now though, he obviously knows how you feel and knows you want him back so really, in his eyes, it may not be that great of a risk. He knows that he can get you back. It sounds as though he's keeping the door open with you so that he can come back into your life if he ever wants to. Don't let him have this upper edge. So he was cheating on you with a 20 year old???!! Did she know he was with you? Do you know this girl? If she's any decent type of girl, she wouldn't want to be with him right now seeing that he's just getting out of a six year relationship. Chances are, even if he is still screwing around with her, they're not going to last. Please, please, please don't go to his house tonight. Don't call him. Don't let him treat you like this. You will only get hurt worse. You're not being fair to yourself. It's Friday night, go out with your friends, enjoy yourself. If you want this man back, I swear you will be so much more attractive to him if he sees you out having a good time instead of on his doorstep crying. Even if you're miserable and having an aweful time at least pretend to be having fun if you see him. Talk to other guys in front of him, show him that he's losing you. Show him that you're not a sucker for him and can and will live without him. Like I said, I'm going through all this right now so I know it's so, so difficult.
Vegasbaby Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 My bf of four years cheated on me twice. I now know once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater, so my advice to you is RUN like the wind, and get far far away from him. He will NEVER change. He is controlling and manipulating you. He knows you will come back to him if things with the other girl don't work out. Please take pride in yourself and do NOT allow him to manipulate you this way. There are far too many other men out there who will treat you with kindness and honesty. Or better yet, take some time off from dating and go out with friends. I know your pain, I have been in your shoes, and trust me, RUN. You will be SO much better off. My Ex moved out two weeks ago and I haven't been this calm and happy since before the first time he cheated on me. It is not easier, but the alternative is much worse.
hazel Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 I think he is saying that because most people say once a cheater always a cheater. So it sounds as if he know's that he will cheat on you again and he don't want to hurt you. I truly think he is looking out for your best interest.
Fedup&givingup Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 I agree with the comments on here. RUN and stay gone. Be thankful you are no longer living in his hell. If you go over to his house tonight, you will only torment yourself. I couldn't agree more with Vegas...once you DECIDE to free yourself from him and realize that you do not have to live like that, you will feel SOO free and good. It will all just sort of escape from you. Take your break up as a GOOD thing.
Author bittersweet Posted March 20, 2004 Author Posted March 20, 2004 He ended things with me completely today- RUBBING in my face that he has going to see the girl he cheated with. I hurt so bad. I feel so weak. I never knew he would do this to me. He was completely honest and blunt with me even though he knew how much it hurt me. He knows he's making a mistake and his excuse is that things between us were unable to be fixed. He says we had huge problems before all this happened- he said I didn't accept him for who he is (lie). He admits to being selfish but basically one of had to do this sooner or later. But for some reason he still sees me as his wife some day! (Too late- his choice). The thing that makes my stomach turn is how he left a message saying, "everything you've been thinking is true...I'm sorry...I love you but wasn't IN love with you and it can't be changed." He went on in the message saying how he's "confused but going to see the other girl." I showed up at his house (like an ass) and had to watch my b/f of six years rush because his ride to her was waiting outside. Basically, I was only in his way- he couldn't even say one word. SHOPGRL- Yes this other girl had plenty of reaons to think he was with me at the time. They argued about me constantly. He would have to say anything to convince her that we weren't together- just like he's probably doing right now while he' with her. HAZEL- He definitely did this for my best interest- which is to keep me away from an evil man with tons of ice under his heart. I asked for him to be completely honest and this was in store for me. VEGASBABY- Nicer man? I know I can find a lot of those but this whole experience makes me sick to think about even looking at another man. I gave this man everything I had- he knew that and he took it for granted. Honestly, that's what makes this whole thing so painful- he is able to leave his girl for 6 yrs to immediately spend the night 2 hrs away at another girl's house- spending $, making love, and sleeping in her arms. FEDUP&GIVINGUP- You heard my whole story that I posted under the CHEATING forum. You are a very compassionate person through all your replies you've given me and I wonder why anyone would ever want to lose you. Running seems impossible right now. I'm sitting home on a Friday night (b/c have work at 7) and my mind is poisoning me with sick thoughts of what he's doing with her- knowing he chose her over me. I want to run so badly but have to faith or motivation. I let him get the best of me. I gave him this second chance and he didn't even want it. He fed me lies since all this happened; he talked about buying rings, fixing things- he seemed so sorry for what he did. He made me look like a FOOL. Everything that he put on my plate is too much to take in. I'm so confused. I never knew he fell out of love with me. He never told me once or showed any red flags that I was pushing him away. All I know is that there must be something more to this than what has been exposed. A man doesn't just all of the sudden change his mind over-night. All of the sudden, he's telling me that he lost faith a long time ago. One day I'll pick myself up and RUN like hell. I keep repeating to myself, "HE WILL SUFFER, HE WILL SUFFER." He made a huge mistake and I can't wait for the day he sees that. Right now I'm just trying to grow some wings to float above the smoke. Thank you all- I'll keep ypu posted on any news. Not much will happen right now because he's too busy messing with his 20 year old fling- the gilr he allowed to beat me in his little game.
Fedup&givingup Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry. Truly, I FEEL your pain, and I know it is immense. There is no way things will work out between he and this other girl, no way. She's 20, and that says a lot. This guy will make her insecure to the core. This might not sound like much, but truthfully this is a wonderful thing. This other girl got him, not you. That's the good thing. He is damaged goods. I don't like hearing things like this, because it's just devastating. You didn't do anything wrong. If you saw no red flags, didn't feel anything out of the ordinary this guy is just plain NO good! I can imagine you feel like you've been completely run over by the world's largest bulldozer. Here is another view on it....you are now free from the biggest tragedy and burden in your life. This guy is messed up to be talking marriage/serious committment one day and then dumping you cold turkey the next all the while carrying on with someone else. For what it's worth, and I realize it sounds trite, but believe me when I say that EVERYthing happens for a reason. It just does. This horrible experience just means that you will find happiness somewhere else, just not with him. You won't be short changed out of it. I can empathize with and understand why you went over to his house. This is all you could think about, and your 6 year investment was at stake. I'd most likely have gone too, although the "logical" thing would have been to not go. You were in a panic mode, and logic is the last thing when it comes to love. Please continue to post. You will be amazed at your own healing. People here care and are interested. Suggestion....take a hot, bubble bath and have a GOOD cry. I have always thought that crying is like throwing up (sorry to be graphic/nasty) emotionally. You get all the bad stuff out, and you will feel better after words. You will look back on this and recognize that this sorrow will somehow turn into a victory when you are over this, happy, and this guy will still be in serious need of a tightened screw. HANG IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!
BabyBaby Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 Let him go! He is a jerk!!!!! I'm glad that you found it out before you marry him (if you had planned).
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