amythan Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 (edited) I am ashamed with my behavior but there are so many things going on in my life that finally this situation got the best of me. I have never felt more stupid in my whole life and I do not know what to do, or even if there is something I can do, so I really need advice to sort this out. Long story short: we had a LDR during several months. We agreed on the casual nature of it but as it was getting way too serious, he just disappeared. He should talk to me but instead he decided to fix his new terms without inform me. I am responsible because I accepted to stick around knowing that it was not what I wanted but I was in love with him. From this day I never knew what was going on, what was fine and what was not fine. I never new if he wanted to see me again or not, if he missed me … But we kept talking and he was showing interest in my life. We met again and we made out all night long but we didn’t sleep together. He said he wanted to plan a trip together but from the beginning I got the gut feeling that he was not honestly interested. He never came back with a real plan, kept me waiting and I freaked out. I told him that this was disrespectful and not a behavior from someone who is truly interested in making plans or even care about me. He said that I was right but that it was ridiculous from me to think he was not serious, he was just busy. I apologized - even though I think if he was so serious about the trip he would not take five days to send a two line email. We continued to talk and last Friday I texted him asking when we were going to get to see each other. He replied asking about my things and saying he was thinking of me. He didn’t reply to my question and I got all upset. I clearly overreacted (and I should get the hint) but if he had just told me that he thinks it is not a good idea, it would be fine. But I hate when people ignore you or call you names instead of addressing the problem. All this conversation was over txt, which I think it did not help. In the evening I sent him an email telling him about my stuff and also asking about his life. I also said I would like to talk about all this mess and saying that I do not know what he really wants. At this point I know that we cannot be friends and I think I handled this badly and all my problems together made me be oversensitive. I also understand this problem was created by me as I must leave when the situation started to be not what I wanted. But I also think that he does not care that much about me as he was trying to relocate me as booty call without keeping my feelings into account. Also If he values our friendship as much as he says, he would call just to see what is going on with me and trying to understand. Anyway I would like to walk away without this sour feeling. I know we need time apart so I am not expecting / wanting to be in touch frequently any time soon. I think that apologize is going to make me appear more foolish (and nagging) than I already am so I decided to do nothing and wait if he replies. What do you think ? Edited January 10, 2011 by amythan
Author amythan Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I am still thinking what went so wrong here, not because I want him but because this never happened to me in the past. I am one of these people who has excellent (or at least very civil) relations with all my exes. I think this was mainly a mix between me being in a wrong place and accepting less than I wanted and a poor communication level. Also my expectations were unrealistic and mainly triggered by a false sense of intimacy - Just because of the intensity of the relationship. I had good memories of him and lots of affection so it bothers me the fact that we are not talking to each other. But I have to admit that the feeling of shame I have is the part which bothers me most. Do you think there is anything I can do or just let it go ? Thanks !!
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I am still thinking what went so wrong here, not because I want him but because this never happened to me in the past. I am one of these people who has excellent (or at least very civil) relations with all my exes. I think this was mainly a mix between me being in a wrong place and accepting less than I wanted and a poor communication level. Also my expectations were unrealistic and mainly triggered by a false sense of intimacy - Just because of the intensity of the relationship. I had good memories of him and lots of affection so it bothers me the fact that we are not talking to each other. But I have to admit that the feeling of shame I have is the part which bothers me most. Do you think there is anything I can do or just let it go ? Thanks !! In my opinion... it isn't Shame on You.... its Shame on Him! I know how it is to feel foolish for trusting someone, but you should not feel that way. Those who betray trust are the worst types of people. I hope you feel better soon! This is just temporary, there will be someone better.
Imajerk17 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) You wouldn't be in this situation, amythan, if the guy had communicated with you in a *remotely* straightforward fashion. He did not AT ALL, so you are quite understandably, I say, confused and pissed off. Do NOT apologize, as you have nothing to apologize for. In fact, on some level, you know that you are only doing it to re-open communication. Don't give your power away like that. That is the only thing you did wrong--giving your power away. Edited January 11, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author amythan Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 (edited) WOW Now I am truly confused …. After our massive argument last Friday I thought that we were done for good BUT on Monday evening he send me an email asking when precisely I will be in Berlin and saying that maybe we can meet there. I do not know what to do with this email. My reasons: - He could ignore me - In my last email I said that we need to talk about us and that I do not know what he wants. He could reply saying that he wants us to be just friends. - His email is confusing because he does not respond to my questions and he makes plans which are, as usual, not firm. If he was sure that he does not want to see me he would not send this – except if he is a sadistic sociopath. Does someone travel all across Europe to just have sex ? He could have plenty of opportunities without doing this ... But on the other hand he does not seem seriously interested and I also have the feeling that even if he is serious about seeing each other I forced him, I would like him to be truly happy about making plans but now I think that I was nagging as he feels obliged .. What is his deal ? What is all this about ? What should I reply ? Thanks !!!!! Edited January 12, 2011 by amythan
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Amy, It sounds, at this point, that a relationship on ANY level with this man is not a positive thing for you. If you stop contact with him, it will be difficult for you, but will probably be better for you in the long run. It really does sound as if he's jerking you around, and that there is no way for you to navigate any kind of relationship with him in a healthy and positive way.
Author amythan Posted January 12, 2011 Author Posted January 12, 2011 What I am struggling to understand is why he is doing this and also if I am overreacting. The first months he was really in love with me but suddenly he started to have an inconsistent behaviour. But if i stop contacting him or I am upset he contacts me. It would be the easiest to send me the "we are done" email, he knows I would never contact him again. It cannot be for the sex .. I am a pretty girl but we are talking about a successful 35 year old man who can sleep with many girls easily without traveling all around Europe. And we are not even seeing each other that much. For him this situation must be also very uncomfortable .. I do not get it. In the email he sent on monday he said "sorry tomorrow I will try to write more .. ". Of course he didn't yet ... He will do in four days and if I say something, I will be nagging, ridiculous, silly and so on ... But is this really my fault ?
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