Jealous over his past

[Maria97]

Hi everyone, I'm brand new to this forum and have joined in the hope that someone out there wiser that me could offer some advice!

 

I have recently gor married to my husband after going out with him for a year. He is a very loving person and attentive and caring as much as he possible could be. But there is one problem however, he was married before. I'm not seeking a virginal relationship, both me and him have had past relationships and I don't have a huge issue with these. I do however have a massive issue with the fact that he was married before. What bugs me the most is that I am not the first person in his life that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, for me he is the first one in this sense. Also, he proposed to her after only 3 months and it took him longer with me. He got divorced basically because she didn't want to be with him, if she did, he'd still be with her. Therefore I take no comfort in saying to myself he's with me now, not her, because I know for a fact that it was down to her whether they remained together or not.

 

So I very much feel like second best and that he's with me simply because she rejected him.

He has never talked about her much because he knows how it affects me but I myself can't stop thinking about her. She was a very beautiful girl, with lovely body, whereas I myself am quite average looking. I can't get images of him and her doing things, going places, having sex, being in love out of my head and it's making me very depressed. Sometimes that's all I think about whole day long and my overwhelming emotions about this have ruined many beautiful days in our relationship.

 

I have asked him all the places they've been to so that I can avoid them and we recently went to Edinburgh on a city break only to later find out that he was there with her before. I hate him for not telling me in advance.

 

They used to live in another city and he's now moved back to his other house. I only found out recently that she visited here and they slept in the bed that we share. I know he's had many girlfriends here before but the fact that she was here drives me nuts. I want to throw up every time I come into the house, it's so exhausting feeling so threathened all the time.

The rational part of me realises that I'm being very immature and that it's my insecurities and fear that are making me feel like this, but my irraitonal thinking kicks in every time something associates me with her.

He has never given me a reason to be jealous of his past, including his past marriage, but I cannot help feeling very distressed.

 

I have tried everything: counting to 10 every time something triggers me, I've tried talking to him about it (he's very supportive and never gets impatient), I've tried going to stay over at my friend's house, I've read books on it etc.

I am getting to a stage where I completely don't trust him. His ex wife, even though I have never met her, has completely and utterly ruined my life and I feel like I cannot concentrate on anything good that's going for me. I constantly feel that if he's left alone for a single minute, he'd be ringing her, despite the fact that he's told me they haven't been in touch since their divorce few years ago.

I just wish I can get rid off physical images of the two of them doing all sorts of things together and that I can just enjoy what me and him have.

 

I'm really hoping there is someone out there that has shared similar experience, and would therefore be able to give me a few words of advice on what to do.

Thank you!

[TigerCub]

Hi Maria,

 

Sorry you're in so much pain over this ex wife.

I've never been in that exact scenario before, but here's how I see it:

 

I have recently gor married to my husband after going out with him for a year. He is a very loving person and attentive and caring as much as he possible could be. But there is one problem however, he was married before. I'm not seeking a virginal relationship, both me and him have had past relationships and I don't have a huge issue with these. I do however have a massive issue with the fact that he was married before. What bugs me the most is that I am not the first person in his life that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with,

But did he know you then?

Life sometimes is all about timing.

If he didn't know you, he can't really be blamed for wanting to spend his life with a woman that he knew before you.

 

for me he is the first one in this sense. Also, he proposed to her after only 3 months and it took him longer with me.

That's probably because he learned from his mistakes.

He decided to take things slower and be sure the second time around, so that he and you can get it right and have better odds at being sure and being happy together. Him taking longer with you, doesn't say that she was better than you, it just says that he learned a lesson.

 

He got divorced basically because she didn't want to be with him, if she did, he'd still be with her. Therefore I take no comfort in saying to myself he's with me now, not her, because I know for a fact that it was down to her whether they remained together or not.

I think that's your insecurity talking.

If she didn't want to be with him and that's why they got divorced, I think it still speaks highly of him because he didn't cling to her anyways. He didn't manipulate, beg and plead to keep someone that didn't want him with him. I think it says that he has a lot of self respect and that he's strong enough to walk away (from someone that didn't appreciate him), pick up the pieces and get things right the next time around.

 

So I very much feel like second best and that he's with me simply because she rejected him.

He has never talked about her much because he knows how it affects me but I myself can't stop thinking about her. She was a very beautiful girl, with lovely body, whereas I myself am quite average looking. I can't get images of him and her doing things, going places, having sex, being in love out of my head and it's making me very depressed. Sometimes that's all I think about whole day long and my overwhelming emotions about this have ruined many beautiful days in our relationship.

You're causing your own drama because of your self esteem issues. I think that you need to tackle these issues to be happy.

So what if she was beautiful, they still didn't work out?

If he's making efforts to make you happy, to love you, to have sex with you, that means that you're beautiful to HIM.

If you keep letting your self esteem issues eat away at you, you're going to be missing all the good times that he's trying to create between the two of you, and that would be a shame.

 

 

I have asked him all the places they've been to so that I can avoid them and we recently went to Edinburgh on a city break only to later find out that he was there with her before. I hate him for not telling me in advance.

You are giving the idea of this woman way too much power.

That's all I can say about this.

 

They used to live in another city and he's now moved back to his other house. I only found out recently that she visited here and they slept in the bed that we share. I know he's had many girlfriends here before but the fact that she was here drives me nuts. I want to throw up every time I come into the house, it's so exhausting feeling so threathened all the time.

Ok, he should never have told you that part. It was before you came along.

If the idea bugs you so much, maybe its time to get a new bedroom set, but you're really giving the shadow of this woman way too much power, IMO.

 

 

The rational part of me realises that I'm being very immature and that it's my insecurities and fear that are making me feel like this, but my irraitonal thinking kicks in every time something associates me with her.

He has never given me a reason to be jealous of his past, including his past marriage, but I cannot help feeling very distressed.

I know its hard to be rational when battling insecurities, but you need to listen to that rational part of you, because its right.

 

I have tried everything: counting to 10 every time something triggers me, I've tried talking to him about it (he's very supportive and never gets impatient), I've tried going to stay over at my friend's house, I've read books on it etc.

I think what you need most is to see someone to get over your low self esteem issues.

I had bad self esteem before and I saw someone and its no longer an issue for me. It could really help you.

 

 

I am getting to a stage where I completely don't trust him.

This part I don't understand.

From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like he ever cheated on you or gave you the impression that he did. So why can't you trust him?

 

His ex wife, even though I have never met her, has completely and utterly ruined my life and I feel like I cannot concentrate on anything good that's going for me. I constantly feel that if he's left alone for a single minute, he'd be ringing her, despite the fact that he's told me they haven't been in touch since their divorce few years ago.

Again, don't see why you feel that way..

 

Finally, I have one question for you:

If you knew that he was married before and you obviously have all these issues because of it, why did you marry him at all? Its not like these issues suddenly came up after you said "I do" ?

[Maria97]

Hi there,

Thanks very much for your useful advice on all points. You are right when you say I'm giving this woman more thought that needed or deserved, but unfortunately I can't help it. When you spend so much time thinking about something, it's very hard to stop. And this is exactly why I don't trust him, to me she is somehting so perfect that I cannot imagine why he wouldn't be thinking about her too, and eventually go even further.

 

 

As for why I married him - well I thought I could get over it, I love him so much that I could really see myself growing old with him and having a family. I thought I could cope but I can't. He keeps telling me that with time I'll learn to trust him, he's often lied to me about little htings they did together, to protect me so I wouldn't overreact. But since then he's promised not to hide anything away and now I can't stop asking questions, fully knowing I wont like the answers.

 

I'm lucky that he's so patient with me, but I'm very scared that eventually even his patience will run out and the minute he meets some nice gentle natured girl at work or elsewhere, that he'll be out of here like a shot. We all deserve a peaceful happy life and I feel I'm not giving him that at the moment and that he'll want out basically. And then I fret even more, so it's like a vicious circle.

 

I did have counseeling for about 6 months last year, and even though it helped me to values myself more as a person, unfortunately it didn't help much with me being obssessed with the fact that he was previously married.

 

Thank you again for all your advice

[smilesalot1]

Hi Maria,

 

Sorry you're in so much pain over this ex wife.

I've never been in that exact scenario before, but here's how I see it:

 

 

But did he know you then?

Life sometimes is all about timing.

If he didn't know you, he can't really be blamed for wanting to spend his life with a woman that he knew before you.

 

 

That's probably because he learned from his mistakes.

He decided to take things slower and be sure the second time around, so that he and you can get it right and have better odds at being sure and being happy together. Him taking longer with you, doesn't say that she was better than you, it just says that he learned a lesson.

 

 

I think that's your insecurity talking.

If she didn't want to be with him and that's why they got divorced, I think it still speaks highly of him because he didn't cling to her anyways. He didn't manipulate, beg and plead to keep someone that didn't want him with him. I think it says that he has a lot of self respect and that he's strong enough to walk away (from someone that didn't appreciate him), pick up the pieces and get things right the next time around.

 

 

You're causing your own drama because of your self esteem issues. I think that you need to tackle these issues to be happy.

So what if she was beautiful, they still didn't work out?

If he's making efforts to make you happy, to love you, to have sex with you, that means that you're beautiful to HIM.

If you keep letting your self esteem issues eat away at you, you're going to be missing all the good times that he's trying to create between the two of you, and that would be a shame.

 

 

 

You are giving the idea of this woman way too much power.

That's all I can say about this.

 

 

Ok, he should never have told you that part. It was before you came along.

If the idea bugs you so much, maybe its time to get a new bedroom set, but you're really giving the shadow of this woman way too much power, IMO.

 

 

 

I know its hard to be rational when battling insecurities, but you need to listen to that rational part of you, because its right.

 

 

I think what you need most is to see someone to get over your low self esteem issues.

I had bad self esteem before and I saw someone and its no longer an issue for me. It could really help you.

 

 

 

This part I don't understand.

From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like he ever cheated on you or gave you the impression that he did. So why can't you trust him?

 

 

Again, don't see why you feel that way..

 

Finally, I have one question for you:

If you knew that he was married before and you obviously have all these issues because of it, why did you marry him at all? Its not like these issues suddenly came up after you said "I do" ?

 

I'm a consolation prize too...I know how you feel. My boyfriend was married 23 years and 4 kids. He has been divorced for 2 years because she left him and had a baby during their divorce with the man she is now married to. I know I love him deeper and more honestly. She is bad news and very bad for him, however he completely ignores the bad she was and is capable of that even affects my life. He is no where near the point of marrying me and to be honest you should've considered your feelings before you married him although you love him. I will not be his wife until I feel like I am the Woman of HIS DREAMS. The best thing you can do is make best of the situation and concentrate on making him fall completely in love with you. I'm sorry you feel this way. I know this hurts and I share your pain.

[TigerCub]

Hi there,

Thanks very much for your useful advice on all points. You are right when you say I'm giving this woman more thought that needed or deserved, but unfortunately I can't help it. When you spend so much time thinking about something, it's very hard to stop. And this is exactly why I don't trust him, to me she is somehting so perfect that I cannot imagine why he wouldn't be thinking about her too, and eventually go even further.

Sweetie, believe me, she's not perfect.

No one is, and even if she looked pretty on the outside, that doesn't guarantee that she's pretty on the inside.

YOU KNOW THAT!!

 

As for why I married him - well I thought I could get over it, I love him so much that I could really see myself growing old with him and having a family.

That's what matters, and you can have ALL of that.

You're just going to be missing it all, if you don't get out of your head.

 

I thought I could cope but I can't. He keeps telling me that with time I'll learn to trust him, he's often lied to me about little htings they did together, to protect me so I wouldn't overreact. But since then he's promised not to hide anything away and now I can't stop asking questions, fully knowing I wont like the answers.

I agree that its not good that he lied, but I can see why he did it (and so can you).

I really think that you MUST STOP asking questions.

And I almost wish that instead of telling you the details he would just say "I'm really not comfortable discussing all these things, THAT was my past, its done, you are my Present and my future, and that's all that matters"

 

Him just feeding you info is obviously not helping matters much.

 

I wish you would stop asking him questions.

Because, what does it do for you? what do you gain? You just feed the Insecurity Monster - that's all.

 

And for the record, all the things we imagine are a million times better than the reality, so you sit there and put together these mental images based on his info, but I can guarantee you that what you're picturing is so much better than what really happened.

 

 

I'm lucky that he's so patient with me, but I'm very scared that eventually even his patience will run out and the minute he meets some nice gentle natured girl at work or elsewhere, that he'll be out of here like a shot. We all deserve a peaceful happy life and I feel I'm not giving him that at the moment and that he'll want out basically. And then I fret even more, so it's like a vicious circle.

I can tell from your posts that you are a smart person, and you reach some good insight with your logic, you just don't hold onto these thoughts.

 

I will tell you this though - based on my many many conversations with all my guy friends, a woman can be physically beautiful, like the tops, but if she thinks little of herself and she's no confident, that takes it all away.

Its all in how you carry yourself. I'm sure you've heard that before and it is true.

 

By showing your H that you're so insecure because of his ex, you're taking away from your confidence and your own beauty.

 

And yes, I understand that it gets to be a vicious cycle (with worrying about that as well), but ya know what, sometimes you really need to fake it till you make it - that works in this case.

 

I did have counseeling for about 6 months last year, and even though it helped me to values myself more as a person, unfortunately it didn't help much with me being obssessed with the fact that he was previously married.

Maybe you should see a different therapist.

Also, if your insecurities are stemming from physical things about you that you can change (FOR YOU) then try doing that.

I'm saying that because for me, my weight was an issue that caused my insecurities, so I buckled down and took care of that, and got rid of the extra weight, I felt a lot better, but then realized that I didn't really have the awesome self esteem that I thought I should have at that point, and I realized that I had some childhood issues that were contributing to my feeling inadequate, and so I saw a therapist and it really helped. No more issues.

 

If you want something bad enough, you'll find a way.

I truly hope that you do find a way to get past your insecurity issues, because I know how harmful and crushing they can be.

 

Thank you again for all your advice

You're very welcome. I wish you all the best

And remember:

- things you imagine are always waaay better than the reality of it

- Don't give the ex any power at all.

- fake it till you make it

[BB07]

I would suggest you go back to counseling and get some help ASAP. What you are describing sounds like a very unhealthy obsession. Maybe you have OCD??

[Maria97]

TigerCub, thanks once again for your useful advice. You're right when you say that I'm making myself be seen in much worse light by being so insecure and showing and nurturing my obsession by some woman that's completely in the past. I don't wwant to look back in 10 years time and think that I've spent the best years of my life (I'm 30 now) distressing about something that's not really a real-time problem.

I will most probably look for another therapist, that perhaps focuses on self-esteem issues, after all that's where all my problems stem from, and try to take it from there. Thank you for your well wishes.

 

BB07 - Whether it's OCD or not I don't know, though I can see why you'd say it might be. I'm willing to work at any problem that I might have because quite frankly it's enormously exhausting to be feeling this way all the time.

[Duckduckgoose]

I've been following this thread, and Maria, lots of people are divorced nowadays. Even if they were the one that wanted to stay in the relationship, it doesn't mean they want to be with the person now.

 

It just means that they were committed to being married and working through problems. That is a GOOD thing! It means that the man you are with is committed when he gets married.

 

For him to walk away and have no more contact with her is even better! It means he's not letting the past control his life!

 

It seems like you found a good man who has a second chance to get marriage right. You just gotta get help for your insecurities first.

[TigerCub]

TigerCub, thanks once again for your useful advice. You're right when you say that I'm making myself be seen in much worse light by being so insecure and showing and nurturing my obsession by some woman that's completely in the past. I don't want to look back in 10 years time and think that I've spent the best years of my life (I'm 30 now) distressing about something that's not really a real-time problem.

I will most probably look for another therapist, that perhaps focuses on self-esteem issues, after all that's where all my problems stem from, and try to take it from there. Thank you for your well wishes.

 

BB07 - Whether it's OCD or not I don't know, though I can see why you'd say it might be. I'm willing to work at any problem that I might have because quite frankly it's enormously exhausting to be feeling this way all the time.

 

I think you're on the right track Maria.

Stick to your plan and I hope you find your peace and enjoy all the good times to come with your husband.

 

good for you!

[in_absentia]

Hey Maria,

 

I don't have much to add onto the excellent advice I've seen people give you so far, but I just wanted to empathise with you.. I was like that with my ex, we were both in our late teens but he'd had a 1.5 year relationship before me, whereas I'd only dated people for max 3-6 months at a time. It used to chew me up a lot of the time thinking about him and her together... it bugged me that I wasn't the first girl he loved! And that she'd left him, so my mind whipped that up into thinking that he was still in love with her, would be with her if he could. She wasn't even anything special, just an average looking plain kinda nice person and I knew he found me more attractive, compatible etc.

 

I was the same about visiting places too, if we watched a DVD together I would wanna know who he first saw it with incase it was her, then not want to watch it. They went on a trip to Scotland together so I knew I would never do that with my bf. Looking back it's all so extreme, I knew how damaging and extreme it was at the time but I simply could not help it! I would literally feel sick and shaky when my mind obsessed over the fact that they had a relationship that was serious.

 

We ended up being together for nearly four years before I left him and found a new partner (for other reasons, ex was VERY kind and accommodating to my insecurity as he had his own and understood how difficult they can be to fight). Time healed... towards the end, but when things were still good, I didn't even THINK about her, or give a toss about her. The fact that we had built up a history so much longer and more rich than they shared was enough, he even said many times that he knew he had real, proper adult love with me and he can't have properly loved her because of how he felt for me (and how he felt when I left).

 

Now I'm so different, because I'm with a different person... ex was super jealous of many things and I felt myself being a jealous person as well. But my bf now is so chilled, relaxed, easygoing... either of us can mention an ex we've had in any context ('oh, ex text me to come and pick up his stuff' or whatever) and it's just a part of normal conversation, no one's heart sinks, we even discuss sexual relations we've had with previous partners and it's fine because the discussion contributes to our amazing relationship now and we're together for the long haul.

 

My advice, if there is any, is to try your best to relax... you've only been together a year! It's natural to feel a little threatened by his past, if you feel she was somehow more significant than you two are right now. But as time goes on you'll feel more and more important to him and his previous marriage will be just a part of his history, meaningless. He shows he isn't interested in her anymore by the fact that he isn't interested in maintaining even a distant friendship with her. And you're very lucky that he's so responsive and kind when you feel insecure. But you absolutely have to tell yourself, even if it doesn't change your feelings, that you have no reason to feel insecure and jealous. You need to focus on making your marriage, and your husband and yourself, happy! Otherwise this will destroy you, as there's only so much your husband can take.

 

I honestly wish you all the best because I remember SO well the feelings of anxiety, depression, sadness, anger and hurt that came from thinking about my ex's ex. I've been there. *hugs*