Talking about the past...

[nemesite]

Hi, I'm hoping you good people can help me out with a reoccurring problem between my girlfriend and I.

 

We have been together for nearly two years now, and not only is this the longest relationship I've ever had, but she is definitely the nicest woman I've ever dated all round. In short, while we do have the occasional issues, I'm pretty happy.

 

However, she seems to be unduly hung up on my past relationships. When we first started dating, she almost broke up with me because I refused to talk about the last woman I was seeing (who wasn't technically a girlfriend as we'd only been on a couple of dates that didn't end well). She assumed my refusal to talk about it was because I was still into this woman which was not the case at all.

 

Anyway, she now expects me to list and detail every single one of my past relationships, and for the first few months of us being together, was convinced I had exes lurking in the background waiting to pounce and try to lure me back. I told her that I'm not in contact with any of them, but it makes no difference.

 

Without going into too much detail, I'd like to know what other think about this. In my past relationships, I've never felt, or been pressured into talking about my exes. If the subject has ever come up at all, it's been the odd comment from both sides whenever relevant, but nothing more. However, I know my girlfriend is very insecure and jealous, and anything I reveal is likely to result in more and more questions (she's already asked whether they were better looking/better in bed etc).

 

From speaking to others and googling, it seems to go both ways; some say it's best to let sleeping dogs lie, while others say that talking about such things is good because relationships shouldn't have secrets. However, I don't feel I'm keeping "secrets" from my girlfriend by not wanting to drag up old, painful memories, especially as I know she'll only want to know more and more. The way I see it, those people are my exes for a reason. And yes, she has told me about some of mine, but I never asked her to, and don't really care so long as they're not in her life anymore (which they're not).

 

In essence, she thinks about my exes more than I do, and way she keeps pressuring me about it is really starting to grind me down and question the relationship on some level. I honestly don't see why my past is so important to her, especially as my last "proper" relationship happened 5 years before we'd even met (and that didn't last long anyway).

 

So, what do you all think? Do you think I should give in and bare all in spite of the inevitable stress it'll cause all round? If not, what can I do or say to get her to just leave it? I'm running out of ideas. And patience.

 

Thanks.

[FreeheartLover]

This is a tough subject. Yes, she is insecure and jealous, and may not want to accept the fact that you have been with other women before her. But everyone has a past, and we're not all virgins.

 

I have had this same problem before and been on both sides of it. I have been jealous of my boyfriends' exes, felt threatened by them, felt angry that he was in contact with some of them, even lashed out at the girls in person and online. It's natural to feel territorial, but it's not naturally to be controlling or violent.

 

And then my current boyfriend, he's uncomfortable with the fact that I have so many exes in my small town. I told him that he'll probably meet a couple of them if we go out, and he has, and I told him that the guy was an ex. It's not pleasant for anyone! But it's my reality - exes are around where I live. He feels like everyone thinks he's "just the chump that's dating you for now" and I reassure him that he's not just the next in line. I'm with him purposefully.

 

The challenge is to turn calm her jealousy and insecurity be reassuring her that she shouldn't feel threatened by your past relationships and exes. Turn her negative anxiety about your past into a positive feeling of security. Maybe it's impossible. Maybe she's just too insecure to be with anyone and not be jealous, but you can try.

The more you tell her, the more she will torment herself with those thoughts and images. Try and tell her the important parts "My ex was a nice person, but we weren't meant for each other" instead of "She was hot, but no personality."

 

Sucky situation, I know, but every relationship has to go there...the pppaaaasssttt.

[ComeUndone]

I wouldn't give her any details, at least not any that are going to come back to bite you. I can certainly understand her curiousity about them... I'm curious about my bf's exes too. We have talked some about each of them, but this is just standard intimate conversation between a couple who doesn't have some sort of hang-up with exes. I don't consider myself to be a particularly jealous person, and still... at one point he was talking about his last relationship and he said something about her appearance --- now sure, I expect him to have had attractive girlfriends, but it's just the way he said it, and now I think about that comment from time to time. Kinda stings a little, which is totally lame.

 

Anyway my point is, if she is the jealous type then every little thing you tell her will be retained and will resurface down the road in some fashion, either as an insecurity or an argument between you two. What you say, how you said it, how you looked when you told her, your expressions, the tone in your voice - all of this she will retain. At the very least it will sit in the back of her mind, festering. There is NO point in making either of you go through that --- what does she have to gain, really, by knowing any of the details? If there is something pertinent, like your ex was an alcoholic and that's why you don't drink now, or she cheated on you and that's why you have a trust issue... something of that nature then sure, she should know. Details about your sex life should not be disclosed but rather the question smoothed over or redirected.

 

I'd even choose to say "I don't remember" rather than give out details. It's kinda like that "does this dress make me look fat?" comment. Well what if it does? How well is answering that question honestly going to go over? It's just better to tell her she looks beautiful in it... and maybe even point out how it accentuates the positive traits about herself that she does like.

 

It's your past. You aren't obligated to give her every detail simply because she's now your current girlfriend. She really just wants to know that she's the best - surely you can make her feel like that