brainygirl Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I haven't visited in a while, and will probably regret visiting now. But here goes. I hate what dating is doing to me. I feel like everyone around me has someone in their lives that makes them happy, accepts them for who they are, and wants to be with them for the rest of their lives, except me. My brother, who lives with me, in unemployed, doesn't own a car or pay for his own cell phone, has a nice woman who wants to marry him next summer. He's fat, he's ugly, he has the worst breath and BO of anyone I've ever known, and he insists on wearing a top hat around in public. But she just thinks he's wonderful and wants to spoil him. I have worked on my appearance, dieting, taking up yoga and walking. I have put myself out there, online and attempting to meet people through friends. And after three years, I just feel more lonely and isolated than ever. Even my ex-husband who can't tell a truth to save his life has a girl friend. The guy who treated me like crapola - I was good enough to sleep with but not to date or call a girlfriend - now has an apparently awesome girl friend. Meanwhile I feel myself growing sad, bitter, and cynical, and I don't like that feeling. I have focused on my work and my kids and my own interests, and no great loving is showing themselves and at this point I really wonder if I am not just destined to be alone for the rest of my life.
D-Lish Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Meanwhile I feel myself growing sad, bitter, and cynical, and I don't like that feeling. I have focused on my work and my kids and my own interests, and no great loving is showing themselves and at this point I really wonder if I am not just destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I'd just take the emphasis off of finding a relationship. If you're feeling bad, bitter, sad, etc... It's the wrong time and way to meet someone worthy. I was single for almost 8 years since my divorce. In that time I did date, and had one 9 month relationship- but they were bad relationships because I had little self worth and I wasn't attracting the right men into my life. During that time, I dated people that re-inforced my poor self esteem because I didn't think I deserved better. As soon as I got centered in my own life with my job, housing, finances, personal goals, etc- I met someone I clicked with. I was just about ready to take my profile down and give up on trying to find love- when I got his message. I still have to pinch myself sometimes, because I truly thought I'd never find love again. Trust me when I say it's really important to get yourself right first before endeavouring to date. It's easy to trick yourself into believing that a relationship will validate your self worth, but it won't. When you feel less than stellar about yourself, you're only going to choose the wrong partners. I'd concentrate on everything else but finding a partner right now- when you have all your ducks in a row, someone will pop into your life and make you realize it was worth waiting for....Believe that.
Els Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 To be fair, plenty of people 'appear' awesome on the surface but really aren't. Your ex's girlfriend could very well be lying right back to his face, for instance. You never know the true dynamics of a relationship and the people in it until you're, well, in it. Plenty of relationships appear nice and happy on the outside but are anything but, as well. Also, as much as people do not like to admit it, meeting a suitable mate is really more about luck than anything else. Some of us aren't compatible with many people - if we're lucky, we'll meet one of the few we like who likes us back, and if we're not, we may not. It really is the same as anything else in life. We have to accept that there is an element that is out of our control, no matter what we do to improve ourselves. That is life, and fact. The solution is to do our best to be the best we can, and accept that others may have better luck than us.
Author brainygirl Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I don't need a relationship as a way to validate me. I know I'm a decent person and worthy all by myself, I don't need someone standing there telling me I'm pretty or what ever. I have a life full of family, work and interests. But it doesn't have love in it, aside from the love one gets from parents or one's kids. I have a house, I rent by choice, I have a job I like. All the advice you hear about getting your crap together I can honestly say, my crap's together. I know that the internal dynamics of relationships are often a mystery, but the point is that these people at least have SOMEONE. I have no one. And I'm a nice person. I take care of my business and my family. I have tried online dating in an attempt to meet people, and gone to bars, and am not even meeting anyone. I don't understand how in a nation where over 90% of people end up married, I, a person who wants that, can't even meet anyone.
Eeyore79 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 My brother, who lives with me, in unemployed, doesn't own a car or pay for his own cell phone, has a nice woman who wants to marry him next summer. He's fat, he's ugly, he has the worst breath and BO of anyone I've ever known, and he insists on wearing a top hat around in public. But she just thinks he's wonderful and wants to spoil him. Judging by your description of this guy, he's not exactly a great catch; the girl he's with must have pretty low standards. Maybe if your standards were that low, you could be with someone too! It's tempting to look at other couples and say "everyone has someone except me". But you don't know what other people's relationships are like; their partner might not be a great catch, or might be a pain in the ass, they might argue all the time, there might have been infidelity in the relationship, etc. Other people's relationships are rarely as perfect as you assume they are, and maybe if you knew the details you wouldn't swap your singledom for their unsatisfactory relationship. You are absolutely right to hold out for something worthwhile, even if it means being alone while you wait for it.
Stung Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Perhaps some of the specific people you mentioned have found love because like is drawn to like, brainygirl, and there is a lot of the lowest common denominator out and about in the world. You are aspiring for something better, at least that is my impression. And you are working on becoming something better. Those things take time.
Els Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I know that the internal dynamics of relationships are often a mystery, but the point is that these people at least have SOMEONE. I have no one. And I'm a nice person. I take care of my business and my family. I have tried online dating in an attempt to meet people, and gone to bars, and am not even meeting anyone. I don't understand how in a nation where over 90% of people end up married, I, a person who wants that, can't even meet anyone. See, that's untrue. I'm sure you CAN have someone. How about the lying ex? You could have had him, except you had more self-esteem than that. His current gf doesn't. I'm sure there are other guys whom you could have had as well, except you didn't find them to be suitable or good partners. I'm sure that a guy as broke and unhygienic and low-life as your brother might want you. But would you have taken him just so you could have someone?
Author brainygirl Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I was 24 when I married. I left him after a little over a year of being together because he was lying all the time, was participating in criminal and fraudulent activities and was beginning to be scarily controlling of me. We had also moved six times in that year. At that time we were living in GA and I moved with our two children back to KS where we are from. I was homeless and living with my dad for six months after that. The next time I saw the ex he was back in KS, living with a woman who was already pregnant. That was about four and a half years ago.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I don't need a relationship as a way to validate me. I know I'm a decent person and worthy all by myself, I don't need someone standing there telling me I'm pretty or what ever. I have a life full of family, work and interests. But it doesn't have love in it, aside from the love one gets from parents or one's kids. I have a house, I rent by choice, I have a job I like. All the advice you hear about getting your crap together I can honestly say, my crap's together. I know that the internal dynamics of relationships are often a mystery, but the point is that these people at least have SOMEONE. I have no one. And I'm a nice person. I take care of my business and my family. I have tried online dating in an attempt to meet people, and gone to bars, and am not even meeting anyone. I don't understand how in a nation where over 90% of people end up married, I, a person who wants that, can't even meet anyone. You will meet someone! You will! When you do this time will help you to appreciate one another. Seriously... the last 6 years I've rolled from one relationship to the next. I have not been single for more than 2 months in a row. None of them turned out well. I firmly believe that good things come to those who wait.
Author brainygirl Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 See, that's untrue. I'm sure you CAN have someone. How about the lying ex? You could have had him, except you had more self-esteem than that. His current gf doesn't. I'm sure there are other guys whom you could have had as well, except you didn't find them to be suitable or good partners. I'm sure that a guy as broke and unhygienic and low-life as your brother might want you. But would you have taken him just so you could have someone? No, that's the thing. I don't think its unreasonable to have a standard that says "have a job, support yourself, take basic care of yourself, have some values". But my own experience says otherwise.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 You will meet someone. I am sorry it can't happen sooner, and sorry it hasn't happened already, but I feel sure that if you keep working at making yourself the best brainygirl you can be, you'll have a great relationship. I know this sounds like a cliche, but I feel like the moment you don't need it anymore (I mean, really, truly don't need it, down to your bones), it happens.
Els Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 No, that's the thing. I don't think its unreasonable to have a standard that says "have a job, support yourself, take basic care of yourself, have some values". But my own experience says otherwise. To be honest, I'm not sure if it's where you're living. I think some places lend themselves better to finding decent people than others. Then again, aren't you working with very highly-educated colleagues? Or do you prefer not to dabble in the workplace?
Author brainygirl Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 I tried, I tried so hard not to do it... but I couldn't help myself... I laughed out loud at the idea of this. Carry on, carry on... He thinks people like it because they stare at him and then say "I like your hat". I think they say it to cover that they were staring. He thinks he's awesome. He wears it with torn, stained jeans, paint splattered tee shirts, and tennis shoes.
Author brainygirl Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 To be honest, I'm not sure if it's where you're living. I think some places lend themselves better to finding decent people than others. Then again, aren't you working with very highly-educated colleagues? Or do you prefer not to dabble in the workplace? There are (mostly older, femal) high school teachers who gossip and tale tell more than most actual high school girls. I don't relish the idea of giving them anything to talk about.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 There are (mostly older, femal) high school teachers who gossip and tale tell more than most actual high school girls. I don't relish the idea of giving them anything to talk about. Yeah, teachers generally don't find anyone to date at work. And being in Kansas can't help anything. (No offense. I'm a Southern gal too.)
Disillusioned Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I haven't visited in a while, and will probably regret visiting now. But here goes. I hate what dating is doing to me. I feel like everyone around me has someone in their lives that makes them happy, accepts them for who they are, and wants to be with them for the rest of their lives, except me. My brother, who lives with me, in unemployed, doesn't own a car or pay for his own cell phone, has a nice woman who wants to marry him next summer. He's fat, he's ugly, he has the worst breath and BO of anyone I've ever known, and he insists on wearing a top hat around in public. But she just thinks he's wonderful and wants to spoil him. I have worked on my appearance, dieting, taking up yoga and walking. I have put myself out there, online and attempting to meet people through friends. And after three years, I just feel more lonely and isolated than ever. Even my ex-husband who can't tell a truth to save his life has a girl friend. The guy who treated me like crapola - I was good enough to sleep with but not to date or call a girlfriend - now has an apparently awesome girl friend. Meanwhile I feel myself growing sad, bitter, and cynical, and I don't like that feeling. I have focused on my work and my kids and my own interests, and no great loving is showing themselves and at this point I really wonder if I am not just destined to be alone for the rest of my life. You're just suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome. Last fall, I sat down and decided that pursuing my life accomplishments was worth more to me than female companionship, especially after the women I did manage to date turned out to have serious meanness issues. So, as the years go by, I'll write and publish my 16 books that I have planned, finish cleaning up my property, upgrade my home, make plenty of wooden boxes that will become other people's heirlooms, and maybe even get into building that hydrogen turbine engine I've dreamed about. Then when I'm in my dapper suit and one-of-a-kind sports car, going to speak at publishing symposiums, if people ask me "why aren't you married?" or women try to flirt with me, I'll just tell them "sorry, but you had your chance, you pushed me away when I was younger and struggling. Deal with it." I won't win very many popularity contests, but if it makes even one woman think twice about passing up late bloomers, it will be worth it IMO. The moral of the story: the best way to overcome "grass is greener" syndrome is to really get your act together, become a "catch"---show the opposite sex what they can't have, and rub their faces in it.
jenifer1972 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I've always kind of been of the belief that love finds you when you are not really looking, but I spoke with a patient of mine who had a very systematic plan of dating women he contacted on a very reputable dating site, about 2 per week. Just coffee, etc., and if it didn't look promising, he'd say thank you very much, I just don't think we are a match, and move on. It took him 315 tries, but he found a woman he married and he's very happy. I also think that if you live in a state or town/city that is snores-ville, and you are dead serious about finding someone, perhaps you need to move to a more "target-rich environment"..
Author brainygirl Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 There aren't that many people period on the dating sites who are local enough for that sort of thing. So, I need to stop caring, get my act together, and moving to a target rich area? This is what's so depressing. I love where I am, I love the town I live in and the job I have. I love my family and my kids. I honestly don't know, aside from taking a vow of chastity and attempting to shut down my sensual, feminine side that wants a partner, what more I can do.
Surrealist Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I know how you feel, seriously. I kind of learn to live with it. It's like living with having a disability of sorts.
Disillusioned Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I know how you feel, seriously. I kind of learn to live with it. It's like living with having a disability of sorts. I've learned to think about it as an enabler rather than a disability. If you're unattached, you're free to build skyscrapers, compose symphonies, design race cars, and write novels.
Surrealist Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I've learned to think about it as an enabler rather than a disability. If you're unattached, you're free to build skyscrapers, compose symphonies, design race cars, and write novels. Yep no argument there, even a disability can be a strength if looked at it the right way with a good positive attitude.
january2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) I tried, I tried so hard not to do it... but I couldn't help myself... I laughed out loud at the idea of this. Carry on, carry on... Same here, but didn't want to say so because it felt a bit disrespectful. As an aside, it reminds of some very funny scenes in an episode of Scrubs ("My Lips Are Sealed")... He thinks people like it because they stare at him and then say "I like your hat". I think they say it to cover that they were staring. He thinks he's awesome. He wears it with torn, stained jeans, paint splattered tee shirts, and tennis shoes. I'm so sorry. With regard to the topic at hand, I can relate. However, I do know that many of those close to me who are in a relationship are not actually that happy and I've decided that I don't want to actively look because I have other things to focus on. That's not to say that I'm not keeping one eye open, but rather I don't want to be in the position I was last summer and become a magnet for all kinds of people with whom I'm not compatible. Edited January 11, 2011 by january2011
hydorclops Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Brainygirl, Going from your original post I find one error. You are not alone in your situation. There are millions of unattached people. You belong to a huge club that includes many terrific people. This doesn't help much, but still, you don't need to feel alone.
Author brainygirl Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 I think that's part of what 's so frustrating for me, and probably others. Is that I know there are very decent people out there who want to be in a relationship, but can't seem to find one.
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