creighton0123 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I am feeling rather unappropriated in the last few months. It all started with one of my closest friends of six years meeting her now husband, moving to Florida, and cutting off all contact in a very selfish manner. After that, my best male friend finished school and moved a state away. After that, I introduced a new and very close female friend to a coworker and they got married... Since that point in time, all I hear from my friends is "I can't do this" or "I can't do that", massively confusing the words "can't" and "won't". Whether it's meeting up for lunch, going out to a bar, a club, a dinner party, whether it's a free event or something that costs only a little money, all of my friends have seemed to find themselves in a position in life where they aren't willing to plan anything or do anything - even if that means they sit at home and never do anything. It seems that I go out of my way for my friends, but none of them ever seem willing to reciprocate. I suppose this is just a vent... but it leaves one feeling very taken advantage of :-( Perhaps it's time to start a search for some new friends... perhaps a group of people who are open to letting someone new into a circle rather than a disconnected group of people who don't know one another unless it's through me. Anyone else experience something similar?
D-Lish Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I experienced the same mass exodus a few years ago. I had such a rich, active social life a few years back- but one by one, my friends met partners and dropped off the face of the earth! I had a gym membership and used to meet 4 of my gf's to run on the treadmill and chat after work everyday. One by one, they met their now partners and within 6 months I was walking the treadmill alone! All of a sudden, no one was available to go to dinner, shopping, the beach, etc. It can be pretty frustrating to go from an active social life to spending weekends alone! I expect that people will fall into some selfish behaviour when they fall in love, but most of my gf's literally dropped off the face of the earth when they met a guy or a girl. I'm lucky if we poke each other on facebook now! I recently met someone, and it's nice to have someone- but I miss those friendships. Once and a while I get an invitation to drive out to the burbs and have a tea with my former best friend, but that's about it.
Author creighton0123 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Seriously. It is difficult. I am in a relationship now, long distance though. Boyfriend is away for the next 10.5 months. I tend to find that my friends are either flaky, pairing off, or moving away. As a result, I spend Saturday night by my lonesome having set plans fall through.
D-Lish Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 It would probably be easier to deal with if your guy was available 24/7! LDR's are lonley enough- and that's why you need friends to help take the edge off when you are looking to keep busy and take your mind of missing your SO. This is my second mass exodus of friendships in the last 10 years- the first happened when my closely knit friend group started having children. Once the kids started coming, my group paired off into those with kids, and those without. Those with kids suddenly only wanted to spend time with other couples that had kids. At first I would get invited to the children's b-day parties- but all of a sudden I found myself having nothing in common with those people. Not to mention that I felt like a fish out of water at these kinds of gatherings- they just weren't fun for me. I guess life is full of transitions and there isn't much you can do when people start heading in different life directions.
vintagecat Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) D-Lish has it about right. I'm toward the other end of life and have seen the same patterns: The marriages. (Ours was later marriage) The kids. (We had none) The demanding careers. The retirements. (I and my husband were early out and our still working friends have disappeared or on the other side, people that retired ahead of us have all left the state which might as well mean they left the country.) The grandkids. It doesn't get any easier as time marches on. Sure, you have contact with old friends but the relationships lack context, relevance or urgency. That's why plans with old friends are so hard to make. The people around me that seem to have the most stable social lives have multigenerational family that live nearby and they tend to be involved in local organizations such as arts programs and the like. All I can say is be prepared for several mass friendship exoduses over the course of a lifetime if you don't follow the marriage/family norms, or have close ties to your family or community. The most difficult periods are immediately after another transition period where you realize that you have to rebuild your social network back up from the dust. It's a pretty lonely time and the phone that never rings might compel you to question yourself. Best of luck to you both. Edited January 11, 2011 by vintagecat
Author creighton0123 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 The most difficult periods are immediately after another transition period where you realize that you have to rebuild your social network back up from the dust. It's a pretty lonely time and the phone that never rings might compel you to question yourself. Best of luck to you both. I agree. I had the rebuild from dust feeling. I've done it four times already when it really meant something: 1. Lost almost all of my friends when I came out. 2. Had to rebuild, but ended up befriending a number of Internationals who inevitably left. 3. Now The concern is more having to do with how quickly things happened. After introducing my two of my close friends to one another and their getting hitched, we still socialized all the time, almost every other day. They were 2 miles away from my apartment at that time. Then they moved and are now 10 miles away, but act as though the 10 miles is some sort of unreachable distance. They also went into hyper frugality mode, but have even consistently backed out of plans that didn't involve spending any money whatsoever. I suppose I'm more prone to getting angry/upset when plans are made solid and then one party backs out, using any number of pathetic excuses. I am not a lonely person. I find that when I'm alone, I'm just fine - I don't get lonely. Instead, I feel it very inconsiderate and dismissive to cancel on plans for an excuse as shady as "I'm tired" or "I can't... because... I can't". I feel sorry for them. They're going to have kids sometime in the future. While they'll love being parents and are going to make some excellent parents, I hope a certain part of them doesn't regret all the times they said "I can't" in the past.
Bittersweetie Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 It seems that I go out of my way for my friends, but none of them ever seem willing to reciprocate. I feel this way too! It's like if I want to see anyone, I have to be the one to arrange the plans. If I wait for them to contact me, then I might as well give up. It's always been like this for me, since high school. Sometimes it would really bother me. But recently I had a good friend say to me on one of our outings, "B, I'm so glad that you take the time to set up get togethers for us, it means a lot to me." And that made me feel better. I can understand where you're coming from though...I'm in the process of trying to build some new friendships. And it ain't easy!
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