me out

[guitarxkid]

I was in a relationship with a girl for about a year. We've been best friends since 8th grade (I'm a junior in high school now) and we've always been on and off. We broke up about 6 months ago and I still haven't gotten over her. Even since we broke up we've been on and off but its always been me chasing her. We were pretty serious when together and I can definitely say I loved and still do love her. She shows little interest in me anymore and all I can think about is when we were together and how good it felt. We still talk pretty often but more often than not the conversation ends up in me getting upset because I miss her. I know I have to suck it up and move on but it really isn't that easy. Ive hooked up with other girls since and its just not the same, I only think of her.

 

The thing is with this girl if I give her something to chase or work for she usually comes running to me. I don't know how to do that though and I always end up getting attached to her when I try talking to her again for periods of time. I kinda know what I have to do but it would be nice to hear it from someone.

 

Can I have some advice on what to do? Should I just cut off conversation with her and even though its unlikely I'll move on (its been six months and there have been periods of time without talking) I won't get hurt anymore but I will feel unhappy and risk losing her completely. Or should I keep trying to talk to her and pull it together, and somehow give her something to chase while doing this.....

 

I really don't know anymore, please help me out. I can barely sleep and I'm unhappy 99% of the time.

 

Thanks

[guitarxkid]

sorry for the weird title, it wasn't letting me make it something sensible

[SeriousBob12]

Dude it sucks but you'll survive.

 

You're what 16?

 

You most definitely do NOT love this girl, I'm sorry but at your age I don't even think you can comprehend love yet.

 

You have your whole dating life ahead of you, trust me this will not be the first girl to break your heart and plenty more will come and knock you off of your socks. As you get older you'll probably just look back and laugh at this.

 

There isn't anything to do. It seems like she's over the two of you and has no interest in bringing things back to how they were. There is nothing you can do to change that.

 

I would say keep your contact limited or to none at all. Seeing our exes is just a constant reminder and delays the healing process.

[Graceful]

guitarkid,

 

So first things first. Do you play guitar? In a band? One of the main loves of my life was a musician. I took guitar lessons when I was in college. I stink, but I figure I can fudge just about anything with the C, G, D, and F chords!

 

Now for your problem. I could say, you're young (you are). This is your first GF (she is). So that tells me right there that you're taking this very hard.

 

But it also tells me that this girl is trying to tell you that she needs to have space to have her time to grow up, be with her friends, and isn't really prepared for a serious relationship. She's smart to recognize that and she's right.

 

The problem for you is that you want her as a GF. So if you continue to see her or try to be her "friend" you're just going to keep feeling like crap. One minute you were the BF. The next minute you're just a "friend" -- so this is just going to hurt you. It's almost like getting a demotion.

 

The other thing is that in keeping the r/l going by the type of contact you have, you really aren't her friend, either. She can't relate to you the way she used to and it sounds very confusing for the two of you.

 

She shows little interest in me anymore and all I can think about is when we were together and how good it felt. We still talk pretty often but more often than not the conversation ends up in me getting upset because I miss her.

This concerns me because you are chasing after something that isn't there any longer. You're trying to go back. You can't. That relationship ended, and it died, and that's why you feel as bad as you do. You are just making it worse by pretending it's still there. It's really gone, you just don't want to admit it.

 

Can I have some advice on what to do? Should I just cut off conversation with her and even though its unlikely I'll move on (its been six months and there have been periods of time without talking) I won't get hurt anymore

Bingo, right on the money. YES. You know what you have to do, you see it yourself. No, not easy. But if the rest of us can do it, so can you ...

 

Don't play games with her. If she chases you if you cool off, that's just her ego. Give her the space she asked for and get on with your life. Get interested in school activities. Do your music. Hang with your friends. Do sports. Get well-rounded.

 

I just have to warn you, too. You're going to get your heart broken more than once in your life. And you're going to probably break someone's heart some day, too. Just the way it is. Do you think any of us are enjoying how we feel?? But we're all going to survive, I can promise you that much!

 

Stop acting like this girl is the only girl in the entire world. She really isn't, you know. She was your first GF and that's very special. But she isn't your last GF either. So chin up. And go look for a music forum, b/c I post on one and it's a lot of fun! Come back and update us, okay? Take care.

[guitarxkid]

Graceful,

yeah I play music and I used to be in a band but now I kinda just play by myself.

 

Thanks a lot for the response. That really helps. What if she keeps trying to contact me? Like I said, we still talk a lot but I am willing to cut this off. But saying that, she called me last night. Should I just limit it to as little contact as possible and ignore it?

[I have no title]

Remember that the reason for your sadness and depression is you! Nobody can make you happy or make you forget unless you want it. Of course if you stay in touch with her, it will most likely prolongue your healing, so don't do that anymore-ignore her, and do not talk to her - its for your own good!

Now about this sentence you constantly keep repeating: "i love her I can't get over her". Now if you look at this sentence you can see that you are saying "I can't get over her"....If you are telling this to yourself everytime, you will not forget about her. If you really WANT to get over her, stop telling yourself "I can't do it, I am weak" because by saying that, you automatically program yourself to suffer for longer..

Instead of doing that, do yourself a favor and say "I am over it and everytime I want to think about her, I will just think about something else" - Amaizingly, but it works! Our brain is a smart thing, and we can control our emotions just by WILLING to do it. Of course it still takes some time and heartache to forget about a person you had feelings for, but you broke up 6 months ago, and if you were willing to forget about her - you could have accomplished this goal a long time ago if you really wanted it.

So my point is,that if you want to get over your feelings, stop thinking about them,and stop communicating with her! If you convince yourself that your life goes on and soon there might be a 100 times stronger feeling on your way, and if you focus on making yourself a better person - beleive me, you are soon going to get over it!

[Graceful]

Graceful,

Thanks a lot for the response. That really helps. What if she keeps trying to contact me? Like I said, we still talk a lot but I am willing to cut this off. But saying that, she called me last night. Should I just limit it to as little contact as possible and ignore it?

 

Let's put it this way, b/c this will help you feel like you have more control of this situation than you think:

 

She broke it off. This was her decision. You did not really have a say in it, she doesn't want to be your GF anymore. She didn't negotiate with you on this. She said that's how she feels, and you had to accept it.

 

You have not done a good job of accepting it b/c she ALSO wants to be friends. You have allowed this.

 

But the truth is: she doesn't get to decide if she is your friend. YOU DECIDE. You cannot be her friend b/c it is hurting you and hindering your ability to move on; that is your decision. SHE DOES NOT MAKE THAT DECISION. YOU DO.

 

So you can do one of two things:

 

Tell her the above. You tried to handle the friendship, but it's not working FOR YOU. Doesn't matter if it works for her. Does not work FOR YOU. Therefore, you cannot be her friend, and to please stop contacting you. PERIOD. You don't want to be mean, you still like her, but "friends" does not cut it. Done and done.

 

Or you can let her contact you, and it will hopefully die out on its own when you ignore all contact. NEVER CALL. Never call her back. Never respond to an email. Nothing. If she initiates contact, ignore her. If she finally gets hold of you, and asks what's up, then tell her you can't be her friend, and you have cut her off.

 

Either way, cut her out of your life. You had no idea being in contact with her was going to be so tough. No one does. She's not your GF, and she is not your friend. You used to have the whole cake, now you get crumbs. Who wants crumbs? Not you.

 

We all struggle with this, you're no different, welcome to the club. This is a great chance for you to prove to yourself how strong you are and that you will take a hard line on NC and move on. Stand up for yourself and stand strong.

[guitarxkid]

I screwed up big time a few days ago. I was at a party and most people from my school were there including my ex. Just seeing her gives me some kind of agony inside and it shouldn't be like that after 6 months. But anyways, I was just down on myself because she was interested in other guys and by the time I got back to my friends house to spend the night I had had a lot to drink.

 

I called my ex who I had had some sorts of recent contact with the past couple days and started telling her how much of a bitch she was. This was a mistake but I was so mad that I couldn't have her and it ended with me saying the only thing stopping me from killing myself is my family. I know this was a huge mistake and I shouldn't have put that on her or myself but I do sometimes get depressed particularly because I'm not with her anymore.

 

I texted her in the morning telling her I was sorry for putting that **** on her and she told me I should get help.

 

I didn't talk to her for 4 days until tonight when she called me. She wanted to know how I was and to kind of check up on me. Until now, it had always been the idea, together or not, that we would go to this years prom together. We've always talked about it and it was in a way a sure thing. Tonight, on the phone she told me as of now she doesn't want to go to prom anymore with me. This really stung although I guess I had it coming.

 

I've been thinking about her nonstop even when not talking to her and I wish so badly that I could want to get over her but all I can think about are ways on how to get her back (which I've tried countless times which end up with us hanging out and me wanting more and getting hurt). I know I need to keep NC which is what I intend on doing but I just need some helpful words, I don't have anyone to talk to and it's killing me inside

 

thanks

[guitarxkid]

I can't help but feel this way, I want to be with her so badly but I want this feeling to go away of helplessness

[SDA]

I am young as well I know what your feeling and I've been there before. NC really does help you are not going to feel like it but you must. You are destroying yourself right now yelling at her, telling her that you miss her, and all that stuff.

 

It's high school, she will forget about what you did the other night and move on from it just like you will.

 

It's gonna take time, I'm having a rough time with being dumped and I come here to vent sometimes so just vent here if you have anything to say to her.

 

Find some new friends or talk to your current friends and do something different. She's in high school so when you stop talking to her she will be running back asking all these questions and you just have to swallow your pride and say "I'm sorry. I'm not ready to be friends. Maybe in the future"

 

and disappear. My old gf left me for my best friend. But things work out. You move on and forgive.

 

It's been 6 months because you still talk to her man.

[guitarxkid]

I am young as well I know what your feeling and I've been there before. NC really does help you are not going to feel like it but you must. You are destroying yourself right now yelling at her, telling her that you miss her, and all that stuff.

 

It's high school, she will forget about what you did the other night and move on from it just like you will.

 

It's gonna take time, I'm having a rough time with being dumped and I come here to vent sometimes so just vent here if you have anything to say to her.

 

Find some new friends or talk to your current friends and do something different. She's in high school so when you stop talking to her she will be running back asking all these questions and you just have to swallow your pride and say "I'm sorry. I'm not ready to be friends. Maybe in the future"

 

and disappear. My old gf left me for my best friend. But things work out. You move on and forgive.

 

It's been 6 months because you still talk to her man.

 

Yeah I really do need to stop talking to her. My problem is that I just can't get it into my head that I actually want to get over her. Right now and for the past six months I feel like every move I make I've been thinking about how I can get her back.

[SDA]

First step is that realization that you don't want her anymore. It's hard but for the best.

 

Then you wont think about getting her back

[guitarxkid]

In the past six months at one point I was over her. I was talking to another girl and yet I still missed my ex I was having fun with this new girl until my ex all of a sudden wanted me back. This seems to always happen because she gets jealous, so stupidly I cut it off with the girl I was talking to and went back to my ex. This backfired on me and left me to dry because not only did my ex not exactly "want me desperately" anymore, I was back where I started with where I could not stop thinking and missing my ex

[SDA]

I think its because you expect her to come back. Don't expect anything. Whats meant to happen happens.