pookster72 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 my boyfriend has been unemployed for about 9 months now, and before that he was working once a week. he was finishing up undergrad until november, but he could have finished in may. he decided to go another semester to get more loan/grant money rather than getting a job to support himself. now he's done and claims he's looking for jobs, but all i've seen him do is play video games and smoke weed. he's irresponsible with the little money he has when he does have it. he never grocery shops, spending all of his money on fast food and eating out, and he spends money on weed and cigs. he stopped smoking weed thank god, but now he's smoking this legal incense stuff that is equally as expensive as harmful. its better because its legal i guess, so he can at least pass a drug test. he has a house that he's already paid off and he has a nice car, so he's not bordering on homelessness or anything like that. however, he struggles to pay for day-to-day things like food or utilities and its really putting a strain on me. he sells stuff and borrows money from his mom to pay bills. he's tried to borrow money from me a few times but i get very mad when he does that. im always the one who has to come visit him (and pay the gas money to do so), because he never has the money to afford gas to see me. he gets upset if i dont want to see him, though, and is constantly contacting me and all that so i know thats not just an excuse to not see me. he's just annoyingly broke. every time i come to his house he whines about not having this or that he needs around the house (trash bags, cat food, food, whatever) and i end up buying stuff for him. yesterday i got very pissed off. he was in a pissy mood all morning because he could barely afford to buy breakfast. he left his house to go pawn something and while he was out i went and bought him 70 dollars worth of groceries because i felt bad. the moment he got back he asked me to go with him to buy his legal weed stuff, planning to spend 100 bucks on it. im getting really tired of it and i dont know what to do. i know the economy is bad right now and he's a great guy beyond the money issues. i have a decent job making enough to support myself but i dont make enough to support him, too. i try to budget everything out and save up so i can move and get a better job should the opportunity come along as im also actively looking for a (better) job. its hard when i have to spend so much on stuff for him, too. he wont even look for a part time restaurant sort of job because its "below" him, which i think is retarded. i graduated from a top school and when i didn't have a job immediately upon graduation i had to work at a ****ty job for a few months to support myself before i got one. you can't be below a job when you can't even afford to eat, but i guess you can be when you have a mom and a girlfriend who will buy everything you need for you, right? i just don't know what to do anymore. i'm tired of feeling like his mom. its not like he does other stuff for me, either, to make up for me buying him stuff. when i get to his house he expects me to cook, clean, and do his laundry as well. he claims he's looking for a job and i've helped him with his resume and cover letters and stuff. he claims he's looking even harder now than he was before when he had all that loan money. but after nine months, i just feel like its never going to end. i don't know how much more patience i should have. i nag him all the time about getting a job and i know its annoying for him, too. i've talked to him about all of this that i've mentioned in this post. i get mad that he's not putting enough effort into looking and he gets mad because he claims he's looking. also, he's 30 years old. he's not some fresh-out-of-undergrad 22 year old who doesn't have a clue about life. i feel like he's not going to "grow up" if he hasn't by now.
Seamless74 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 yeah this topic came up in a similar thread awhile back.. I was curious then as I still am now about why women fall in love with the porn watching, video game playing, weed smoking, unemployed guy.. I just dont understand.. I think what you should do is realize that often times one of the most interesting thing in a relationship is how being with someone makes you realize certain things about yourself.. kinda like a mirror so if you dont like who your with you need to take a good look at yourself and realize you may have some issues as well.. Or you could spend your life trying to be mommy to him and "change his ways" Ive heard thats worked out really well for alot of women . I guess it just goes to show that like alot of other threads around here say women may have it easier in the dating world finding a potential mate and sex or what have you but finding a quality human being is still very difficult for both sides,,
sugarmomma Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Why are you complaining about him when you are volunteering to be mistreated, used and taken advantage of? You are not responsible for him. He has a car and won't come see you? WTF? And you get in your car to see him and buy him food, clean his house etc? We know what's wrong with him. But what's wrong with you? And I mean that in the most caring way possible. Why are you putting yourself in this position? How long have you been together? Not that it really matters.
Author pookster72 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Why are you complaining about him when you are volunteering to be mistreated, used and taken advantage of? You are not responsible for him. He has a car and won't come see you? WTF? And you get in your car to see him and buy him food, clean his house etc? We know what's wrong with him. But what's wrong with you? And I mean that in the most caring way possible. Why are you putting yourself in this position? How long have you been together? Not that it really matters. you're right. i guess i should just stop spending the money to go to see him. he claims its my fault i have to spend money to see him because he would have let me live at his house for "free" but i chose to live 2 hours away from him to take the job i have now. i had been working at a crappy job for a few months and got a great opportunity 2 hrs from him so i took it. i think he was mostly just jealous. it will be a year in feb.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 He doesnt have to look for a job and spend his money on anything but drugs when you continue to do it for him. When you actually stop seeing him, paying anything for him, and start to show some tough love, he will not change. When you stop and his mom continues to do it for him, he wont change. Its out of your hands.
Author pookster72 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 yeah this topic came up in a similar thread awhile back.. I was curious then as I still am now about why women fall in love with the porn watching, video game playing, weed smoking, unemployed guy.. I just dont understand.. I think what you should do is realize that often times one of the most interesting thing in a relationship is how being with someone makes you realize certain things about yourself.. kinda like a mirror so if you dont like who your with you need to take a good look at yourself and realize you may have some issues as well.. Or you could spend your life trying to be mommy to him and "change his ways" Ive heard thats worked out really well for alot of women . I guess it just goes to show that like alot of other threads around here say women may have it easier in the dating world finding a potential mate and sex or what have you but finding a quality human being is still very difficult for both sides,, when we first started hanging out he was working hard on projects for school and working on the weekends. he was really dedicated to his school work and i admired that. he would show me things he was working on and work on it for hours and hours each day. then in may right before his graduation date he quit his job and seemed to give up on life. i think he's depressed and doesn't know what to do next in life after graduation. i don't think he's an inherently lazy guy but he's in a bad spot and its straining our relationship. i know how he feels. im not doing exactly what i want either and i was depressed for a while after graduating, going out and drinking every night instead of focusing on getting a real job. i snapped out of it one day when i could no longer afford to pay my rent and had to borrow money from my parents. it made me feel like **** to be in that position. i told him the other day that it shows me a lot about his character that he can continue to borrow from his mom like that (shes struggling herself) and do nothing to improve his situation.
Eeyore79 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I am probably one of the few people who will tell you to give this guy a chance. Finishing college is a stressful time and takes some adjustment; the guy only finished in November, give him a chance! He's probably burned out from college work and needs a few weeks rest. It can take months to find a job, and searching for a job can be very depressing and disheartening. If he's suffering from depression it will be difficult for him to do anything, so he's doing really well by looking for a job. I've suffered from clinical depression and found it difficult to even get out of bed; I would refuse to talk to or see anyone, and just wanted to be alone in a darkened room. Depression isn't the same as laziness; it's a serious problem and there is professional help available. If he's depressed then ideally you need to be supportive. I suggest that you should set a reasonable time limit for him to find a job, and try to be supportive about his depression during that period. Allow him maybe six months after graduation to pull himself together and attempt to find a job before you think about dumping him. It's not fair to dump the guy just because he's struggling with major life changes and hasn't been offered a decent job six weeks after graduation.
Author pookster72 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I am probably one of the few people who will tell you to give this guy a chance. Finishing college is a stressful time and takes some adjustment; the guy only finished in November, give him a chance! He's probably burned out from college work and needs a few weeks rest. It can take months to find a job, and searching for a job can be very depressing and disheartening. If he's suffering from depression it will be difficult for him to do anything, so he's doing really well by looking for a job. I've suffered from clinical depression and found it difficult to even get out of bed; I would refuse to talk to or see anyone, and just wanted to be alone in a darkened room. Depression isn't the same as laziness; it's a serious problem and there is professional help available. If he's depressed then ideally you need to be supportive. I suggest that you should set a reasonable time limit for him to find a job, and try to be supportive about his depression during that period. Allow him maybe six months after graduation to pull himself together and attempt to find a job before you think about dumping him. It's not fair to dump the guy just because he's struggling with major life changes and hasn't been offered a decent job six weeks after graduation. i see this side of the situation, too. this guy is totally into me and wants a future with me. he's hilarious and i enjoy spending time with him. he loves my cat (might sound stupid but its important to me lol). and of course a lot of the issues i have with him are just projections of issues i have with myself. i struggle to live up to my full potential in the career department, and i struggle to find the motivation to change it. on the other hand, he knew he would be in this situation 6 months ago and didn't bother to start seriously looking for jobs (or claim he is anyway) until now. he was lucky enough to receive large sums of money in the summer from grants and from selling his dad's car. he finished all of his requirements for his degree in may and went for another semester of online classes with the sole motive of getting more grant money so he could spend time looking for a serious job rather than wasting time in a crappy one. of course he hasn't done this, and blew the money far too quickly, leaving him in the situation he is now.
brokenglass Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 My best and completely honest advice: Stop wasting your time complaining about your loser boyfriend on an internet forum and get rid of him. If he is stressing you out this much and is as much of a loser as you portray him to be, cut him loose. This man sounds unmotivated, lazy and opportunistic. On a daily basis I am stunned by women who will donate an ounce of their time to men such as this and then wonder to themselves (and sometimes make excuses) when people tell them to get rid of him. There are a plethora of men out there who are just as good looking, have nice cars and houses that are paid off, who will treat women just as well and are not given chances for whatever reasons. Does he give you a bad boy vibe? Whats the attraction here? Is it superficial or real? You need to be asking yourself these questions, life is too short to be muddling around with guys because they have nice cars or paid off houses.
denise_xo Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 its not like he does other stuff for me, either, to make up for me buying him stuff. when i get to his house he expects me to cook, clean, and do his laundry as well. This is what did it for me. I don't know why the hell you do that :confused: I have been the bread winner in my relationship for several years and my point of departure is that when you're in a serious relationship, it's not MY money or HIS money, it's a joint project towards which we all contribute in some way or another. So when I initially started reading your post, my inclination was cut this guy some slack. But if he doesn't want to work when there is (not so desirable) work available, and he doesn't do everything he can to contribute in other ways, then it's a no go. If a man who earned a million a year with lots of assets expected me to cook, clean and do his laundry for him when I came over, I'd dump him immediately. In a relationship my role is that of a partner - not a substitute mother. But I agree with others who say that you're facilitating this behaviour.
elastica Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 In about 5-10 years you are going to look back, and the fact that you spent time with him will make you very sad, to the point of crying... There are so many good/normal men looking for a girlfriend. You have already tried to help him, so now it's time to move on. If you stay with him you will lose a lot of years of your young life and trust me you will regret it!!
Seamless74 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 no......... what it should tell you is contrary to popular belief women are as desperate as men are for some semblance of connection any type of connection.. and same as us only seem to learn the hard way that connection or someone truly understanding you is simply not enough as one gets older to sustain an adult relationship...
denise_xo Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 no......... what it should tell you is contrary to popular belief women are as desperate as men are for some semblance of connection any type of connection.. and same as us only seem to learn the hard way that connection or someone truly understanding you is simply not enough as one gets older to sustain an adult relationship... I second this. It's human to want to be loved and to be accepted by a SO. Sometimes we stretch to far because we think by doing so we can make it happen.
Nexus One Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 (edited) I am probably one of the few people who will tell you to give this guy a chance. Finishing college is a stressful time and takes some adjustment; the guy only finished in November, give him a chance! He's probably burned out from college work and needs a few weeks rest. It can take months to find a job, and searching for a job can be very depressing and disheartening. This. It took me 4 months to find my last job. On top of that I was exhausted when I finished university, as the last year can be pretty draining. I find it disproportional to dump your partner and label him/her as a loser for not having a job like most others suggested. If there are issues regarding money, like the travelling costs and not being able to support him, then perhaps you both can have a rational discussion about it without pointing fingers and talk about possible solutions. Give it some thought. Edited January 14, 2011 by Nexus One
Citizen Erased Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 It's not so much his lack of job, it's that he'd rather smoke weed and play video games than be a good boyfriend and a contributing member to society. Oh, and he expects her to pay for him while he pays for useless crap and for her to be his personal maid instead of, again, being a good boyfriend. Job or not, I'd be suggesting the OP reconsiders why she is with someone like that.
zengirl Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 It's not so much his lack of job, it's that he'd rather smoke weed and play video games than be a good boyfriend and a contributing member to society. Oh, and he expects her to pay for him while he pays for useless crap and for her to be his personal maid instead of, again, being a good boyfriend. Job or not, I'd be suggesting the OP reconsiders why she is with someone like that. Yes, this is the impression I got when reading it. I've actually supported a partner before (partially), who was laid off and had trouble finding work for longer than comfortable. He kept paying his student loans with his unemployment/savings, and for his Cobra, and I paid for basically everything else, as he tried to get back on his feet. I didn't resent it at all. He was going through a rough time, and we were a team. He's even tried to "pay me back" since, and I've never let him. So, it's not the money I'd see as an issue here. It's his treatment, attitude, and priorities that seem out of whack. If he's depressed, the only reason that's an excuse at all is if he's seeking treatment. If he won't seek treatment, consistently, than it's the same as say alcoholism or drug abuse---sure there's an "it's a disease" component, but that has to end somewhere, and if the person is not seeking help, enabling them isn't useful.
gromit Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 A lot of times, when someone's (clinically) depressed they don't realise what's wrong with them and they'll need a drastic wakeup call to realise that they need to do some serious work on themselves. I've been in the same situation: Left a good job to go and live with my girlfriend, did something to bridge the gap, but hated it, and before I knew it my lingering depression (which had never been addressed properly) got the upperhand and I had turned into a lifeless pile of ####, that didn't do anything around the house, and a lot of times I treated her like she wasn't there at all. It's not that I didn't care for her any more, because I still think she was the love of my life, but I was just uncapable. In the end I didn't even see how tired and miserable she had become because of it.. I did get the wakeup call allright: she broke up with me.. She said she still loved me, but she just couldn't cope anymore. I can tell you that the next few weeks have been the worst of my life, but it was there and then that I realised I had to take action and never let this happen again. I'm ok now, I've learned some valuable lessons and I now think she saved my life, even if the price was heavy..
Author pookster72 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 well i dont know what i'm going to do. we've had the same conversation a million times. he says he hopes to have a job by the end of the month...i doubt its going to happen but the last time i was there he did look quite a bit. i'm spending the 50 dollars i normally spend in gas money to see him to go out with my friends this weekend, though. i haven't done anything fun with friends in a long ass time because im always spending the weekends at his house. he was upset at first when i told him this but i explained that he doesn't put much "effort" into the relationship (not that he doesn't want it...he just expects ME to put in the effort) and has spent money he could have spent seeing me foolishly, so its only fair. he says he's going to try to make more of an effort. we'll see. i'm excited to do something fun for a weekend. i should be excited to see him every weekend but his behavior is draining me.
Recommended Posts