sweetnlow Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 (edited) Okay, would value some honest opinions... My boyfriend and I had a heated argument a couple of back. Basically I need to buy a new car. I've been looking at a seriously practical car, on the impression that we are looking to get engaged, married and have kids in the not too distant future. Now he's made no secret of the fact he wants kids, it's a big deal to him, I have admittedly struggled with the idea but I am coming round and factoring this into my next car purchase is a good example of this. I on the otherhand had made no secret that I want to get engaged and married soon. So we're taking and I casually slip into conversation that I'm hoping for some movement in the relationship over the next few months - I'm going to be 35 at my next birthday and I would like at least to be engaged. He stated that he didn't see things working out on this timescales and not to pressure him (we've been dating for 11 years, I hardly think I'm rushing him here!) Anyway an argument ensures. He accuses me of throwing the 'whole 11 year thing' at him and throws up a split we had 3 years ago in my face (I think he still suspects I cheated on him, but I didn't). I didn't get too hung up on this, as part of the argument as we'll things like that do have a tendency to get brought up in the heat of the moment. What did surprise me is that he kept going on about how I don't listen to him or take his advice and he has recently just stopped giving me it. That didn't particularly make sense to me, as I think I listen to his thoughts - may not always agree or follow his advice, but at least listen. Then after a few other things were said made a comment that he tried to immediately retract - but once something is said, it's said. He said people laugh and point at me (even giving examples!). Most specifically about my facial hair. This has always been a problem for him and in the past he's encouraged me to wax it. I've had this problem since a teenager and, it's been difficult but I've learned to live with it and not let it affect my confidence. It's not hugely noticeable, or at least I hadn't considered it to be, as I regularly bleach it. My Mum has the same problem and has always warned me not to wax or shave as it would grow back stubbly and dark - I've always listened to her on this, and while I've maybe been tempted to seek other options have been frightened to do so. His admission that people see it and are ridicule me because of this was devastating. I don't know what to think. It puts the 'I don't listen to him' comment into better context. I don't know whether what he is saying is the truth and I have a problem I was previously ignorant to, that I now need to address. Or whether he was deliberately trying to hurt me in the argument. Either way I feel sick to my stomach. He says he loves me the way I am. But I'm really confused. Would appreciate thoughts. Edited January 9, 2011 by sweetnlow
Jazzari Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 If he isn't willing to commit after 11 years, something is seriously wrong. And you clock is ticking at 35 if he wants children. Ridiculing your appearance, especially saying that other people do, is something I would have a very hard time forgiving.
carhill Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 The guy is in no hurry to change anything about the status quo... BTW, waxing usually causes the hair (assuming it's on your upper lip) to return lighter and finer. Laser will remove it altogether. My mom had hers lasered in her late 60's because she got tired of waxing it. My exW is a cosmetologist and I did waxing with her fairly often. Learned a lot about skin care from her. I'd lose the guy but it's your deal. Hope it works out
denise_xo Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 (edited) If he isn't willing to commit after 11 years, something is seriously wrong. And you clock is ticking at 35 if he wants children. Ridiculing your appearance, especially saying that other people do, is something I would have a very hard time forgiving. I second this. 11 years are really more than enough to make up your mind about someone, if marriage and children is the joint goal. With regard to your appearance, you want a partner who accepts you the way that you feel comfortable. If he doesn't accept your appearance, he needs to look elsewhere and you'd be better off without him. Wrt 'heat of the argument' - I find that it goes both ways, it's a bit like when people are drunk. Either you get nonsense that people later realise was nonsense, or alternatively, what you get is the truth that people aren't otherwise confident enough to say. The challenge then is to establish which category it belongs to... Edited January 10, 2011 by denise_xo
MarlyStar Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 People have a lot better things to do in life than notice or redicule your facial hair. Nobody is doing it. He's just diverting from the issue: it's been 11 years and you want to be married and he doesn't, and if he says so, you may leave. He doesn't want that either. So he switches topic and then does something to cut you down, implying that you are subpar and might not have market value if you leave him. If you knew he was never going to marry you, how long would you stay with him?
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