datura_noir Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks, pure....Some people never want the drama, the attention to end, know what I mean? Or the realization that me and our marriage wasn't as bad as portrayed. I never judged it. I just wish she would have returned my phone call. We both could have found closure if we could be adults about it, I believed. A woman at work was seeing a MM who claimed he was separated and divorcing. He broke up with her to see another woman and she was devasted. She drove by his haunts all the time in hopes of catching a glimpse of him and him with her replacement. Heart breaking, but also human nature to an extent, I think. Spark, I don't know where you live, but it sounds like Peyton Place with all these affairs, nearly-affairs and such. What is in the water??:laugh:
Heather1 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Almost forgot this one, too: Cyberstalking refers to the act of threatening, harassing, or annoying someone through multiple email messages with the intention of placing the recipient in fear that an illegal act or an injury will be inflicted on the recipient, his/her family or household. I know the police won't do anything until something physical has happened, but what about personal instincts? I say if you feel threatened that's a better indicator than filing a report. Especially if someone has been asked several times to stop contacting you & you've shown NO INTEREST or replies, or whatever & have maintained NC. Everyone feels like crap being rejected, but when someone takes rejection as a challenge I don't think that's normal. Most people get the signals of rejection & don't push it. When OM has asked for a break, or if I have, we both respect the NC & detach (white knuckle). Honestly, for me, it hurts more during our NC's if I know what's going on w/ him so I don't do the drive by's, etc.. I try to just get over it & move on. But yeah, it still hurts like hell, I just know in my heart you can't force someone to love you or want to be with you if they've made a choice. So there's the legal definition, but I think we all need to have our personal definition that if you feel threatened, in my Dad's case it's my mental health threatened as well as sucking the life out of my kids childhood, no physical threat, that should be taken to account too.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 My point exactly. If someone does not want their FB looked at FB has provided a number of solutions for keeping prying eyes out. #1 only friending people who you really know well or want to reconnect with. I should block that secondary profile of her's... But to be honest I don't want to. I have good reasons for not wanting total NC. It just makes a point about the accusation of stalking. People throw it around way too often. It's more like some of the things above described could be called annoying, but not stalking. FaceBook and others. I do agree that internet 'stalking' is used too loosly. People look up people on line because for one reason or another they have interest. I wouldn't consider it stalking - and I don't put anything on facebook that I don't want the world to see.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Almost forgot this one, too: Cyberstalking refers to the act of threatening, harassing, or annoying someone through multiple email messages with the intention of placing the recipient in fear that an illegal act or an injury will be inflicted on the recipient, his/her family or household. Thanks for the clarification.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I noticed the second account a day before she blocked me off her primary account. She has not sent me a friend request via that account. However it is a friend with a friend of mine. In social network terms...it's as distant from me as her primary account was. I also checked from another friends account both exist. It shows up with a blue link. It can send and receive messages. It's her. She just seems to want to not loose all contact with me. I have re-learned what I said on here at first. Being direct with her is not the way to go. I was and I had all this drama. I just need to read the signs and figure out what her true intentions are from those. She's going to take her time to figure out just what there is with her current BF.... but wants to keep me as a possible option. Which to be honest is where I am at with her. I have a number of other options I can explore in the meantime. Heather. All I wanted was for her to know what she and her son really meant to me. I'm glad you did contact her to communicate your feelings MLO. Now is the best time, and before she would commit to marry.
Spark1111 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Spark, I don't know where you live, but it sounds like Peyton Place with all these affairs, nearly-affairs and such. What is in the water??:laugh: Good question..... I think I lived in a bubble where I assumed everyone was happily married and raising their families. Now, I think my eyes have opened up to what really goes on out there. Or, I have just reached a certain age where marriages either cement or blow apart in that Chapter 2 phase of "the kids are gone, so what do/did we have in common?":laugh: And interestingly enough, I probably know more women experiencing a mid-life crisis right now, then I do men. Not that they are cheating, just wondering if this is it for the next 30 years. Now THAT's a cultural phenomenon indeed!
Author pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Thanks, pure....Some people never want the drama, the attention to end, know what I mean? Or the realization that me and our marriage wasn't as bad as portrayed. I never judged it. I just wish she would have returned my phone call. We both could have found closure if we could be adults about it, I believed. A woman at work was seeing a MM who claimed he was separated and divorcing. He broke up with her to see another woman and she was devasted. She drove by his haunts all the time in hopes of catching a glimpse of him and him with her replacement. Heart breaking, but also human nature to an extent, I think. The only problem is that all of you were not adults, your H's AP clearly demonstrated some extreme immature behavior. She didn't want to talk to you to clear the air or for closure. Her possible rational was being angry that the A was over and you H had made a choice. I personally think that is great when the MP makes a decision, this IMO should ALWAYS be encouraged. I know I did, although knew I was talking to a brick wall. I think the marriage was horribly engrained with serial cheating from both MP's...truly a sad situation. I say that about his exW, according to the last info I had heard, she is no longer a serial cheater and I don't think he is either...so the M itself had to have encouraged it for whatever reason. Yes, an old bf told that he had broken up with his gf, to this day I don't know if he was telling the truth. She was everywhere we went and I had a lot of hang ups (this was way before caller ID), so I used the call return feature and she freaking answered! So I know for a fact it was her calling and hanging up...I was told later that she was driving by my house. Definitely human nature, also she was coming undone. I had known her for years, a work acquaintance, so I knew she was harmless and just going through a bad period in life.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I'm glad you did contact her to communicate your feelings MLO. Now is the best time, and before she would commit to marry. It woundn't have made much sense to do so after that right. I hope I at least gave her something to think over.
Author pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 It is difficult to prove a case of stalking until there is some physical or near physical threat. And yes, expressed or implied leaves a lot of leeway depending on the judge presiding. I tried once to have a really bad ex-boyfriend convicted of stalking; I already had a RO on him for physical abuse, and he kept showing up unexpectedly at my work, at my new bf's house, at my Mother's...I was told at the time that unless he was physically intimidating and threatening to do bodily harm (he wasn't, he was begging me to go back), that all I could do was to enforce the RO by reporting his actions. I did, and was told that since I had spoken to him one time when he showed up at my work, rather than call the police immediately, I had broken the RO terms and needed to re-file another one. I didn't bother, I just got a bigger boyfriend who scared the SH&%#T out of him, and he never showed his face again! :lmao: Way to go...that is always the best method IMO. That is a crock of crap...you broke the R/O by talking to him:rolleyes:...it's stuff like that that communicates certain law enforcement doesn't work...also it's time consuming to file an R/O and can be expensive! Seriously, I get tired of playing, because the way the cops hands were tied (or chose to be tied), that is exactly the way I have handled certain unexpected situations in my life. I am so sorry that happened to you though, he was trying to intimidate you:mad:
desertIslandCactus Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Good question..... I think I lived in a bubble where I assumed everyone was happily married and raising their families. Now, I think my eyes have opened up to what really goes on out there. Or, I have just reached a certain age where marriages either cement or blow apart in that Chapter 2 phase of "the kids are gone, so what do/did we have in common?":laugh: And interestingly enough, I probably know more women experiencing a mid-life crisis right now, then I do men. Not that they are cheating, just wondering if this is it for the next 30 years. Now THAT's a cultural phenomenon indeed! Isn't that the truth. I now have a diff conception of cell phones. When I see someone on the phone, I think they're talking to their AP .. the WS. Thank's to LS ..
Author pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 I know the police won't do anything until something physical has happened, but what about personal instincts? I say if you feel threatened that's a better indicator than filing a report. Especially if someone has been asked several times to stop contacting you & you've shown NO INTEREST or replies, or whatever & have maintained NC. Everyone feels like crap being rejected, but when someone takes rejection as a challenge I don't think that's normal. Most people get the signals of rejection & don't push it. When OM has asked for a break, or if I have, we both respect the NC & detach (white knuckle). Honestly, for me, it hurts more during our NC's if I know what's going on w/ him so I don't do the drive by's, etc.. I try to just get over it & move on. But yeah, it still hurts like hell, I just know in my heart you can't force someone to love you or want to be with you if they've made a choice. So there's the legal definition, but I think we all need to have our personal definition that if you feel threatened, in my Dad's case it's my mental health threatened as well as sucking the life out of my kids childhood, no physical threat, that should be taken to account too. To me, no means no...no communication means "no" in my world. In bold is how I deal with things, and I realise this is just my opinion, although if someone tells me no, I take it as no...and will use this opportunity to rant... What really pisses me off is exDM hardly ever respected my NO, I mean it was over the top, all of the time. I can't even begin to communicate the disrespect he showed me. He beat on my windows screaming the "I can't live without you's", embarrassing the sh*t out of me, I prayed to God none of my neighbors called the cops to bring more drama. After hours of this I'd finally open my door just to shut him up. He would beg for me not to break it off with him and I would think..."oh he must really mean it"...OMG, I want to throw up thinking about it:mad:. I finally like you D got my family involved. It was all a bunch of bullsh*t, he never was serious about commitment, he may not even know what commitment is. I could blame myself with self talk that I allowed it and so on, although he knew I was beaten down and didn't care. To all of the men and women that have dealt with this type...KNOW that you dodged a bullet, not a bullet that would merely incapacitate, no, the deadly one. Yes you might be hurting and lonely, BUT, you lived through it:).
Author pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Isn't that the truth. I now have a diff conception of cell phones. When I see someone on the phone, I think they're talking to their AP .. the WS. Thank's to LS .. Even your mom?????:lmao:
desertIslandCactus Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Even your mom?????:lmao: Heavens no. She doesn't even drive, let alone a cell phone. ... and I am the good alert driver on the fwys Without the cell phone glued to my ear ..
Author pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Heavens no. She doesn't even drive, let alone a cell phone. ... and I am the good alert driver on the fwys Without the cell phone glued to my ear .. :lmao: They text now...even better right! Maybe your mother would like texting!
desertIslandCactus Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 :lmao: They text now...even better right! Maybe your mother would like texting! Can't even get her on the computer. Seriously folks. .. Can you believe a state who passed a law against cell phoning while driving .. but the law didn't cover texting..
spice4life Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) As for snooping....my philosophy has always been if you want a big surprise, snoop. I don't read my kids txt's or look through their drawers, they're good kids. I've never gone through a BF or my H's things. My mom read my diary when I was a teen, totally violating. I did see OM's wife picture on FB & I couldn't believe how similar we look. I'll never do that again!! If that evoked a bit of jealousy from me (I'm never jealous), I can't imagine what those pictures would evoke to someone who's REALLY jealous, or even has normal feelings. Pure- anyone who makes you feel scared I would say is stalking. Listen to your instincts on that one. I totally agree with this philosophy. I was snooped on my whole life by a parent and had absolutely no privacy at all as a kid. I guess that is why I can't and WON'T do it myself. I'm not a snooper and didn't even snoop on my kids. Didn't have to because some how I found out about things without even trying. the only time I snooped (if you can call it that) is when I felt someone I was seeing wasn't being truthful sooooo I tried to look online to see if they were in fact married! Didn't find an answer so I stopped. I never snooped on a bf, family or friends. Never had a desire to and never ever will. Pure, be careful and make sure you let family and friends know that you are possibly being stalked. If someone is cyber stalking you it is a felony. Don't tolerate it if you know who it is. Edited January 11, 2011 by spice4life
spice4life Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Isn't that the truth. I now have a diff conception of cell phones. When I see someone on the phone, I think they're talking to their AP .. the WS. Thank's to LS .. Hahaha!!! Me too! I was early for my therapist appointment on Thursday and sat in my car reading LS. Then I looked over at the car next to me and the woman was reading something on her phone and I thought, "I bet she is reading LS!"
Author pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Pure- anyone who makes you feel scared I would say is stalking. Listen to your instincts on that one. I totally agree with this philosophy. I was snooped on my whole life by a parent and had absolutely no privacy at all as a kid. I guess that is why I can't and WON'T do it myself. I'm not a snooper and didn't even snoop on my kids. Didn't have to because some how I found out about things without even trying. the only time I snooped (if you can call it that) is when I felt someone I was seeing wasn't being truthful sooooo I tried to look online to see if they were in fact married! Didn't find an answer so I stopped. I never snooped on a bf, family or friends. Never had a desire to and never ever will. Pure, be careful and make sure you let family and friends know that you are possibly being stalked. If someone is cyber stalking you it is a felony. Don't tolerate it if you know who it is. I feel the same way, I just can't snoop and mostlikely it is why I am more sensitive than most about it. Like you S4L, I don't have to, I know it, and if something is missed, God will deal with it..takes a lot of pressure off of me in so many ways. In bold...I didn't even notice when reading your two replies...thank you. No, not being stalked now, exDM drives by and honks...why he does that is beyond me, although other than that just healing from the past:)
Spark1111 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Isn't that the truth. I now have a diff conception of cell phones. When I see someone on the phone, I think they're talking to their AP .. the WS. Thank's to LS .. HAHAHAHA! I agree! I will never look at a cell phone the same way!
Spark1111 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 The only problem is that all of you were not adults, your H's AP clearly demonstrated some extreme immature behavior. She didn't want to talk to you to clear the air or for closure. Her possible rational was being angry that the A was over and you H had made a choice. I personally think that is great when the MP makes a decision, this IMO should ALWAYS be encouraged. I know I did, although knew I was talking to a brick wall. I think the marriage was horribly engrained with serial cheating from both MP's...truly a sad situation. I say that about his exW, according to the last info I had heard, she is no longer a serial cheater and I don't think he is either...so the M itself had to have encouraged it for whatever reason. Yes, an old bf told that he had broken up with his gf, to this day I don't know if he was telling the truth. She was everywhere we went and I had a lot of hang ups (this was way before caller ID), so I used the call return feature and she freaking answered! So I know for a fact it was her calling and hanging up...I was told later that she was driving by my house. Definitely human nature, also she was coming undone. I had known her for years, a work acquaintance, so I knew she was harmless and just going through a bad period in life. Honestly? About the bolded? With hindsight being 20-20? I think she did not return my phone calls because she held onto hope, for a really long time, that he would return to her. So she was still protecting him and their relationship, or the memory of that hope. Anger for her came later, much later, after I forced confronted 2.5 years after DDAY, when she broke NC to phish to see if he was maybe still interested. That's when she learned her hope and protection was truly a delusion. And she was ripping enraged at him, me, the world.... She should have returned my first phone call. All the curious drive-bys and hang ups would not have been necessary.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 "Stalking" in its purest form is just going to evolve to no longer be a crime nor an offense. People on Facebook and the like just invite themselves to be stalked, and they're just too dense or too self-centered to even understand as much. Something as simple as a band of strippers who've worked together for some months, and who socialize together, are now only as safe as the weakest cyber link among them (which is a certainty to be extremely weak). Once somebody discovers one of them at Facebook it becomes nothing more than a round-robin path to collect the full names and addresses of each and every one of them. Why? Because they basically invited it!! So, mere stalking will simply have to cease to be a crime just because so many people are doing it that the mighty court system cannot keep up. The good news is that with so many other people to stalk, nobody will have time to land on YOU. That last part, curiously, doubles as your main defense against material losses due to credit card data falling into the wrong hands via online hacking.
Author pureinheart Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Honestly? About the bolded? With hindsight being 20-20? I think she did not return my phone calls because she held onto hope, for a really long time, that he would return to her. So she was still protecting him and their relationship, or the memory of that hope. Anger for her came later, much later, after I forced confronted 2.5 years after DDAY, when she broke NC to phish to see if he was maybe still interested. That's when she learned her hope and protection was truly a delusion. And she was ripping enraged at him, me, the world.... She should have returned my first phone call. All the curious drive-bys and hang ups would not have been necessary. No way...that is way too much. The writing was on the wall, I don't care what he might have told her, whatever ...he made the choice. That needed to be respected. Even though she didn't snoop until 2.5 years later, your/H wishes were not being respected in her heart, which is very self destructive. That is scary to me Spark, very creepy. I am so sorry you had to go through that, and am very glad it is all over for you and your hubby, and that things have been healed and are ok! Spark, it sounds like she would not have listened, she had her world happening through drive bys and hang ups...it's very, very sad. I can't even imagine what you went through ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Author pureinheart Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 "Stalking" in its purest form is just going to evolve to no longer be a crime nor an offense. People on Facebook and the like just invite themselves to be stalked, and they're just too dense or too self-centered to even understand as much. Something as simple as a band of strippers who've worked together for some months, and who socialize together, are now only as safe as the weakest cyber link among them (which is a certainty to be extremely weak). Once somebody discovers one of them at Facebook it becomes nothing more than a round-robin path to collect the full names and addresses of each and every one of them. Why? Because they basically invited it!! So, mere stalking will simply have to cease to be a crime just because so many people are doing it that the mighty court system cannot keep up. The good news is that with so many other people to stalk, nobody will have time to land on YOU. That last part, curiously, doubles as your main defense against material losses due to credit card data falling into the wrong hands via online hacking. The bold sounds like a rapist saying that he raped her because of the clothes she was wearing, meaning she enticed him, so therefore he had a right to do so. Noone has a right to stalk no matter what. I doubt stalking laws will go away anytime soon, in my state 700 new laws came into effect after the first of the year...please keep in mind, jobs must be justified. SOL, personally I don't deal with the cops or the system, I have seen too many people have the cops tell them..."not my job"...in my state, unless it creates revenue...forget it. BUT, to be dragged into court IS a wake up call and even though exDM won the last R/O, he still kept a safe distance away from them....also his exW served him with an R/O...he changed his tune...this keeps the honest, honest...now the thugs, I have my own methods;).
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 The bold sounds like a rapist saying that he raped her because of the clothes she was wearing, meaning she enticed him, so therefore he had a right to do so. Sorry, wrong answer... That is akin to you addressing an envelope, licking a stamp, and sending your detailed credit card information to the credit card fraud perp across town. Hey, I won't argue... YOU have every right to do so... but you can't call it "stalking" or cite him for stealing your credit card info once you send it his way.
Heather1 Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Ummm....I would venture to say that most people don't think that way about FB. I'm going to leave it at that. Do any of you remember the poster over a year ago who said both M, found an online guy who was M & set up a date? I don't even think she had sex, cuz she scared him so he backed off. She then FREAKED, told his wife, feel in love & was posting scary stuff here about what she was doing to destroy a guy she didn't know. Anything we said, she'd then jump all over us saying "if I hurt myself, it's because of your response". I actually told her to print out the whole thread & immediately take it to a professional, it scared me. This forum has been great for me, since no one in my real life knows what's going on. I do think there's situations that call for professional help though. Really, we could all use therapy, but so far this board has been enough to see my situation clearly & back off. No one here has been an advocate of hunt them down. It's mostly been support to try & detach & move on. You can't force someone to love & choose you.
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