pureinheart Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I would really like opinions on stalking, here is an article that touches on it, although I would like to go deeper, to understand and have knowledge of all types of stalking http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=50316. I think many are being stalked, or have been stalked and don't know it. I have been stalked several times in my life...is this an epidemic? Recently have seen cases in this forum that seem to have stalker qualities. I would like all imput from those that think they have been stalked or have been...OM/OW/BS/MP/BF/GF/F....information to those that lack it so it will recognised if/when it happens. I believe information is the key and some of the stories from OM/OW/BS have scared me because I believe some of them have been stalked and some might not realise it. I have been cyberstalked also from an exbf...shortly before he became my ex he asked for my birthdate..I thought, "oh how nice, he wants to remember my birthday". I was stalked by my exfiance. A few years had gone by, I had moved and lost contact with his family. I looked up in my rear veiw mirror and I thought it was him, but wasn't totally sure...then it happened again and my daughter was in the car also confirming it was him, same company vehicle. He gave me a mean look. I never saw him after that again. ExDM and family, I already stated this in other threads. I think I might be being stalked again by exDM. I don't understand this type of behavior...
Author pureinheart Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 (edited) An interesting article on stalking: http://www.crime-safety-security.com/women-safety-stalking.html Cyberstalking: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyberstalking Edited January 9, 2011 by pureinheart
alexandria35 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I don't believe very many people actually fall into the true stalker category. I think sometimes people are in great emotional pain and find it hard to truly let go of someone they once loved and cherished deeply. There may be a short period of time when they will behave in ways they normally wouldn't and then they are embarrased by the behaviour once the crisis has passed. I have had a couple of exes who found letting go a painful and difficult process. After we broke up there were hang up phone calls, driving by my house, maintaining contact with my family etc...I never felt frightened or threatened (considering that they never uttered threatening words to me) and I never accused them of being stalkers. I knew they were hurting and coping the best they could. The behaviour subsided as their pain subsided. True stalkers are generally mentally ill. As a matter of fact the article you linked to in your first post (I haven't read the others yet) seemed to be talking about stalkers who didn't even know their victims, they had just created the relationship in their head, like some kind of fantasy that ran amok. These people are disturbed and must be taken seriously. You didn't say what the guy ended up using your birthdate for, but the other guy didn't sound like much of a stalker to me. You thought you seen him driving behind you a couple of times and then you never saw him again. That's not much of a stalking if you ask me. Thankfully I have never had a real stalker because that would truly be scary.
Heather1 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I'd say a winding down relationship doesn't count as dangerous stalking. To me, anyone who's pursuing someone who CLEARLY doesn't want to be pursued is not a good thing. I think most people can take a swing & a miss & think nothing of it. What's scary is when one person thinks that "no means yes" & the object of affection is playing games w/ them & they're not respecting that person's boundaries. But I said in another thread I've been stalked by my Dad & threatened restraining orders. I don't mean he's coming after me w/ an ax, I mean something in his mind doesn't respect my boundaries. My dad is an alcoholic and a narcissist (so yeah, mentally ill). On a side note, I've been taken aback by friends finding x's (or friending OP) on FB. Several had to get off of it because of being hit on, or inappropriate comments their spouse wants them to take it down, etc.. That's like a new frontier to stalkers where they think every comment is to THEM personally. I was going to un-friend this woman I barely knew from 7th grade, maybe 2 words? She comments or likes EVERY post & I don't even know her?? One guy I did block because he was writing things on my photo's, calling me an airhead, etc.. I looked him up in my yearbook, and there was a name & no photo. I had NO IDEA who he was....NONE. Creepy. Be careful on FB!!
Author pureinheart Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I don't believe very many people actually fall into the true stalker category. I think sometimes people are in great emotional pain and find it hard to truly let go of someone they once loved and cherished deeply. There may be a short period of time when they will behave in ways they normally wouldn't and then they are embarrased by the behaviour once the crisis has passed. I have had a couple of exes who found letting go a painful and difficult process. After we broke up there were hang up phone calls, driving by my house, maintaining contact with my family etc...I never felt frightened or threatened (considering that they never uttered threatening words to me) and I never accused them of being stalkers. I knew they were hurting and coping the best they could. The behaviour subsided as their pain subsided. True stalkers are generally mentally ill. As a matter of fact the article you linked to in your first post (I haven't read the others yet) seemed to be talking about stalkers who didn't even know their victims, they had just created the relationship in their head, like some kind of fantasy that ran amok. These people are disturbed and must be taken seriously. You didn't say what the guy ended up using your birthdate for, but the other guy didn't sound like much of a stalker to me. You thought you seen him driving behind you a couple of times and then you never saw him again. That's not much of a stalking if you ask me. Thankfully I have never had a real stalker because that would truly be scary. He works in an area to where very personal info is accessable, also to keep track of just about anyone, so he had his own connections and was very pc savvy. I don't have any proof, although he accidently admitted cyber stalking his recent (at that time) exgf.. I think your right about my exfiance, it just creeped me out that he sat and waited for me to pull out of my home 2 times after so many years had passed...there is no way that was coincidental. I like the fact you keyed the mental illness issues. In some cases I would say stalking is being nosey, very nosey:( I can't remember which article specifically spoke of relationship stalking..one did though. I'd say a winding down relationship doesn't count as dangerous stalking. To me, anyone who's pursuing someone who CLEARLY doesn't want to be pursued is not a good thing. I think most people can take a swing & a miss & think nothing of it. What's scary is when one person thinks that "no means yes" & the object of affection is playing games w/ them & they're not respecting that person's boundaries. But I said in another thread I've been stalked by my Dad & threatened restraining orders. I don't mean he's coming after me w/ an ax, I mean something in his mind doesn't respect my boundaries. My dad is an alcoholic and a narcissist (so yeah, mentally ill). On a side note, I've been taken aback by friends finding x's (or friending OP) on FB. Several had to get off of it because of being hit on, or inappropriate comments their spouse wants them to take it down, etc.. That's like a new frontier to stalkers where they think every comment is to THEM personally. I was going to un-friend this woman I barely knew from 7th grade, maybe 2 words? She comments or likes EVERY post & I don't even know her?? One guy I did block because he was writing things on my photo's, calling me an airhead, etc.. I looked him up in my yearbook, and there was a name & no photo. I had NO IDEA who he was....NONE. Creepy. Be careful on FB!! Wow, I am so sorry about you dad...that is so very sad...an R/O...well, I hope he got help:(. I've been hearing a lot of negative thinks about fb...one person, aquainted with my daughter from the past tells the smallest details of her life...I've wanted to post stating that "I just got done going to the bathroom":rolleyes:...sarcastic I know, although I can understand communicating your day to a degree, but... It's things like what you mentioned about fb and the things I see going on in some forums period that creep me out bad...I do see the mental disorders behind it. I seriously think snooping could be tied in with stalking if it was consistant.
Heather1 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks, but my dad will never get better. Looooong story, but every time I have a plan to get him to a safe place a drinking buddy feels sorry for him & throws a wrench in it. He was in 2 car accidents in a day & the policeman felt sorry for hiim (no license, registration, borrowed car, drunk). One of the trademarks of a sociopath is that people feel sorry for them. On a "stalker" level, that justifies their actions too. As for snooping....my philosophy has always been if you want a big surprise, snoop. I don't read my kids txt's or look through their drawers, they're good kids. I've never gone through a BF or my H's things. My mom read my diary when I was a teen, totally violating. I did see OM's wife picture on FB & I couldn't believe how similar we look. I'll never do that again!! If that evoked a bit of jealousy from me (I'm never jealous), I can't imagine what those pictures would evoke to someone who's REALLY jealous, or even has normal feelings. Pure- anyone who makes you feel scared I would say is stalking. Listen to your instincts on that one.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 About FB. FB has made some people do strange things. Heather, you are familliar with my case. In fact you even called me a stalker. Let me ask you the following.... What does it mean that she creates a second FB page, in her same name, and uses it to maintain contact with me...while blocking me from her main FB page... and apparently does not tell their BF about it? Does that mean that the woman you said I was stalking or being creepy towards was in fact not being stalked? Or is she now stalking me? Weather someone is stalking or not can't depend on the actions of the prospective victim. I have been stalked. By an ex roomate and her friends. They posted false information about me on Youtube, and myspace, and various message boards. They called me threatening to kill me. They vandalized my property. I ended up having to get a restraining order against them. Now that's stalking. Simply sending someone a message or two, looking at their FB page and seeing what their privacy settings will allow, etc... is not stalking or even cyber stalking. That's my $0.02
BB07 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Regarding Facebook. The privacy controls can be implemented to control access in many different ways. You can even set it until your profile is not visible by search engines or anyone unless you invite them to be your friend. You can limit what one friends sees and allow another to see everything, it's up to you and let's not forget........you can always boot a friend and block them and then they can't see anything, in fact it's as if you don't even exist on F/B anymore. If you block someone, the person blocked won't show up anywhere at all, not on your friends feeds, not even in your friends lists. So......IMO, you can't be stalked on F/B unless your settings allow it. Granted.....it's not a walk in the park to lock it down and they do change the settings quite often, but the key is keeping your guard up and being aware of what the options are. PS........mrlonelyone, your prior g/f is only contacting you because you are allowing it. Block her if you truly don't want the contact. You are the one who is in control of Facebook.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 (edited) My point exactly. If someone does not want their FB looked at FB has provided a number of solutions for keeping prying eyes out. #1 only friending people who you really know well or want to reconnect with. PS........mrlonelyone, your prior g/f is only contacting you because you are allowing it. Block her if you truly don't want the contact. You are the one who is in control of Facebook. I should block that secondary profile of her's... But to be honest I don't want to. I have good reasons for not wanting total NC. It just makes a point about the accusation of stalking. People throw it around way too often. It's more like some of the things above described could be called annoying, but not stalking. Edited January 10, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
BB07 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 My point exactly. If someone does not want their FB looked at FB has provided a number of solutions for keeping prying eyes out. #1 only friending people who you really know well or want to reconnect with. I should block that secondary profile of her's... But to be honest I don't want to. I have good reasons for not wanting total NC. It just makes a point about the accusation of stalking. People throw it around way too often. It's more like some of the things above described could be called annoying, but not stalking. Then we agree about f/b stalking, it isn't possible, unless the user allows it..........
Spices Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 (edited) I was heavily pursued by the current guy. He tried hard, to the point of where my friends & I found it a bit creepy and overzealous (at first). It wasn't really something I would consider "true stalking" though. Apparently he just loved the challenge, thrill of the chase & the fact that he had to fight for something. I've been cyber stalked in high school by a girl who went to school with me. THAT was truly creepy. At first I thought she wasn't bad because she would always be extra nice to me, and pay me many compliments. It became excessive over time. She ended up stealing my pictures from myspace & pretending to be me on some kind of journal sight... had a whole fake social life going while pretending to be me. She even had a full on online relationship with some guy by using my pictures... wtf. I confronted her and blocked her. She later tried creating fake accounts to attempt getting into contact with me. Yuck. Edited January 10, 2011 by Spices
Heather1 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Did she set it up & send you a request?? Or did she block you, had to take it down & have to set up a new account??
Mrlonelyone Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Did she set it up & send you a request?? Or did she block you, had to take it down & have to set up a new account?? I noticed the second account a day before she blocked me off her primary account. She has not sent me a friend request via that account. However it is a friend with a friend of mine. In social network terms...it's as distant from me as her primary account was. I also checked from another friends account both exist. It shows up with a blue link. It can send and receive messages. It's her. She just seems to want to not loose all contact with me. I have re-learned what I said on here at first. Being direct with her is not the way to go. I was and I had all this drama. I just need to read the signs and figure out what her true intentions are from those. She's going to take her time to figure out just what there is with her current BF.... but wants to keep me as a possible option. Which to be honest is where I am at with her. I have a number of other options I can explore in the meantime. Heather. All I wanted was for her to know what she and her son really meant to me.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I was heavily pursued by the current guy. He tried hard, to the point of where my friends & I found it a bit creepy and overzealous (at first). It wasn't really something I would consider "true stalking" though. Apparently he just loved the challenge, thrill of the chase & the fact that he had to fight for something. Stories like that give every man who's faced initial rejection heart to try again and again.
Author pureinheart Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Stories like that give every man who's faced initial rejection heart to try again and again. So rejection can be a motivator for those that are addicted to the chase...much different from stalking I would think. two of the relationships that I mentioned were addicted to the chase, and then when I conformed or agreed, the whole process would start over again...these two did have stalker qualities, one fit the profile totally. It was Blizzards thread and others that sparked this crazed "people" trying to control everything and everyone around them.
evoxracer Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I do think some people have a hard time letting go and aren't really stalkers. When I worked retail there was this man who used to come into my work at night. He always made me feel really uncomfortable because he would hang around the area where i worked, buy things and wait to return them to me. One night one of the sales guys caught him following me around with his phone and taking pictures of me. So after that I had someone walk me out to my car after work every night. The man just gave me a very bad feeling. There was also a guy my mother dated very breifly, she broke things off with him after about 2 months and he had some billboard made in town for her. I dont remember what it was for because it has been about 16 years ago. We got a restraining order at some point because he was harassing her and then we moved about 200 miles away and were unlisted. one day she was taking the garbage out only to find him standing in the front yard. These are people I would consider stalkers.
Author pureinheart Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I do think some people have a hard time letting go and aren't really stalkers. When I worked retail there was this man who used to come into my work at night. He always made me feel really uncomfortable because he would hang around the area where i worked, buy things and wait to return them to me. One night one of the sales guys caught him following me around with his phone and taking pictures of me. So after that I had someone walk me out to my car after work every night. The man just gave me a very bad feeling. There was also a guy my mother dated very breifly, she broke things off with him after about 2 months and he had some billboard made in town for her. I dont remember what it was for because it has been about 16 years ago. We got a restraining order at some point because he was harassing her and then we moved about 200 miles away and were unlisted. one day she was taking the garbage out only to find him standing in the front yard. These are people I would consider stalkers. Yes, I would completely agree...FTR, I am really sorry this happened to you and your mom...there seems to be a sense of entitlement concerning stalking?
Spark1111 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Stalking is the most passive-agressive behavior in the world. Taken to an extreme, it smacks of conflict avoidance and/or mental instability. But I agree with awkward in that when a relationship ends poorly, there is tremendous curiousity regarding the third party in a triangle, especially if there was a lack of true closure for the injured party. The fOW in my triangle had a girlfirend and a guyfriend do drive-bys of me in our work parking lot; there were several hang-up calls and more than a few strangers trying to befriend me on fb. Was it all her? Who knows....
Author pureinheart Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I have been stalked. By an ex roomate and her friends. They posted false information about me on Youtube, and myspace, and various message boards. They called me threatening to kill me. They vandalized my property. I ended up having to get a restraining order against them. Now that's stalking. Simply sending someone a message or two, looking at their FB page and seeing what their privacy settings will allow, etc... is not stalking or even cyber stalking. That's my $0.02 MLO...that's more than stalking BTW, I hope you did something about this, more than the R/O...that's beyond crazy IMO I didn't and should have, in my case...I was dealing with some medical issues and having to do a lot of physical labor while being sick. Possibly I am hypersensitive because snooping and people getting up in my business has always been a curse...people are board, don't have lives???? I want to understand the "mind/motivation" behind such behavior. Possibly there are many explanations. I have never had a desire to snoop in any way, shape or form. I think it's cool to find old friends and have re-connected with past classmates/friends...although to get info on others, track them...I just don't get it.
datura_noir Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 In the United States, the legal definition of stalking: A person who intentionally and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat, either expressed or implied, with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily harm is guilty of the crime of stalking. A person may be charged with aggravated stalking if they commit the crime of stalking while subject to a temporary restraining order, injunction against trespass, or similar order. Stalkers target public figures or celebrities, children, and sometimes even complete strangers. But, in most cases, a stalker is someone you know and with whom you have had a relationship. Criminal statutes which can be used in an effort to deter stalking include laws against harassment and assault, as well as a specific stalking law.
datura_noir Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Almost forgot this one, too: Cyberstalking refers to the act of threatening, harassing, or annoying someone through multiple email messages with the intention of placing the recipient in fear that an illegal act or an injury will be inflicted on the recipient, his/her family or household.
Author pureinheart Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Stalking is the most passive-agressive behavior in the world. Taken to an extreme, it smacks of conflict avoidance and/or mental instability. But I agree with awkward in that when a relationship ends poorly, there is tremendous curiousity regarding the third party in a triangle, especially if there was a lack of true closure for the injured party. The fOW in my triangle had a girlfirend and a guyfriend do drive-bys of me in our work parking lot; there were several hang-up calls and more than a few strangers trying to befriend me on fb. Was it all her? Who knows.... Thank you for this insight, I will study this for further understanding:) Second bold, my stomach turned (literally while reading)...the hang ups, though it's difficult to prove..deep down you knew, it's something that can be felt. Ok...there is the intitial reaction to break ups, at times one reacts "out-of-line", although this is not dangerous, just a "shock", possible denial reaction, not wanting it to be real. Then there is the continuous, possible threatening sometimes indirect communication. I am so sorry you had to endure this...I could understand her being upset with your H, but you????? Whatever.
Author pureinheart Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 In the United States, the legal definition of stalking: A person who intentionally and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat, either expressed or implied, with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily harm is guilty of the crime of stalking. A person may be charged with aggravated stalking if they commit the crime of stalking while subject to a temporary restraining order, injunction against trespass, or similar order. Stalkers target public figures or celebrities, children, and sometimes even complete strangers. But, in most cases, a stalker is someone you know and with whom you have had a relationship. Criminal statutes which can be used in an effort to deter stalking include laws against harassment and assault, as well as a specific stalking law. Almost forgot this one, too: Cyberstalking refers to the act of threatening, harassing, or annoying someone through multiple email messages with the intention of placing the recipient in fear that an illegal act or an injury will be inflicted on the recipient, his/her family or household. I read this in the short search, although didn't understand it until reading your posts in bold:). You know D, "expressed or implied" leaves the door open to the "casual" stalker that "covers" his/her tracks...I like that. That could include security for an issue such as Sparks, where there was little "physical evidence". This gives the judge the opportunity to take the word of the individual being stalked should there be little physical evidence...cool, thank you:)
Spark1111 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Thank you for this insight, I will study this for further understanding:) Second bold, my stomach turned (literally while reading)...the hang ups, though it's difficult to prove..deep down you knew, it's something that can be felt. Ok...there is the intitial reaction to break ups, at times one reacts "out-of-line", although this is not dangerous, just a "shock", possible denial reaction, not wanting it to be real. Then there is the continuous, possible threatening sometimes indirect communication. I am so sorry you had to endure this...I could understand her being upset with your H, but you????? Whatever. Thanks, pure....Some people never want the drama, the attention to end, know what I mean? Or the realization that me and our marriage wasn't as bad as portrayed. I never judged it. I just wish she would have returned my phone call. We both could have found closure if we could be adults about it, I believed. A woman at work was seeing a MM who claimed he was separated and divorcing. He broke up with her to see another woman and she was devasted. She drove by his haunts all the time in hopes of catching a glimpse of him and him with her replacement. Heart breaking, but also human nature to an extent, I think.
datura_noir Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 It is difficult to prove a case of stalking until there is some physical or near physical threat. And yes, expressed or implied leaves a lot of leeway depending on the judge presiding. I tried once to have a really bad ex-boyfriend convicted of stalking; I already had a RO on him for physical abuse, and he kept showing up unexpectedly at my work, at my new bf's house, at my Mother's...I was told at the time that unless he was physically intimidating and threatening to do bodily harm (he wasn't, he was begging me to go back), that all I could do was to enforce the RO by reporting his actions. I did, and was told that since I had spoken to him one time when he showed up at my work, rather than call the police immediately, I had broken the RO terms and needed to re-file another one. I didn't bother, I just got a bigger boyfriend who scared the SH&%#T out of him, and he never showed his face again!
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