JulieAnne Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Hey there! I need some other perspectives on my relationship with my boyfriend. I met my boyfriend more than a year ago. He's 25 and I am 22. My best friend made me a profile on a dating website without telling me, and when she finally told me and I saw he was my "match", I contacted him. That night he drove an hour to see me and get some pizza, and was incredibly quiet and shy the whole time. We walked around my town and I talked about some of the history of it, and he kept quiet other than to tell me he liked listening to me talk. I think that normally I would have been bothered by someone so quiet, but something about him intrigued me. We saw each other almost every day for a week after that, and then it tapered off to one or two times a week. He is a graduate student at an Ivy League school, and has so little time to even sleep. A couple months later we started referring to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm his first kiss, girlfriend, and sexual experience with another person. He had been too scared to talk to girls for so long, and apparently I was the first to ever admit to really liking him after we had been dating a few weeks. Months later, I've scaled most of the walls he's put up. He used to be constantly embarrassed by compliments, blushing and ducking his head so I wouldn't see. Now, I have to say something really outlandish or unexpected to get that reaction. The only time he has ever completely shut down was the one time I told him outright that I love him, and he very literally had a panic attack. He wouldn't speak and decided he needed to go, but that event itself was a long time ago. I haven't said it since, other than one time when he brought me groceries because I was too sick to leave my dorm and I said, "Oh yay! I love you!" He didn't react negatively to that. Even the Christmas card I got him said something about being thankful for feeling so loved, and he liked the card a lot. Throughout all of this, he's kept me as his secret girlfriend. My family knows of him, and has even met him a few times. Even my friends and roommates have met him. But his family and friends don't even know I exist. It doesn't bother me so much that he doesn't tell his family, but not telling his friends or his roommate keeps me from being able to go to his place when anyone is around. I think I have spent the night at his apartment two or three times. Months ago when I asked him why I am a secret, he told me that he likes how everything is going with me and doesn't want it to change. Part of me thinks that he is afraid that if his parents find out, he'll be pressured into something more that even I am not ready for. His older brother is married with a baby, and his younger sister is engaged. I just want to have fun with the greatest guy I've ever met and see where it goes. I am an undergrad, and far too young for marriage and the like. But I don't know if that is how he really feels. I hadn't brought it up again since last spring until last night when I asked him if we could catch a movie and dinner since he'd kept promising I would see him soon. In February he starts 6 weeks of non-stop grad work and I won't get to see him, so I want to see him before that starts. He told me that I would see him, and that I needed to understand that I wasn't the only person that wanted to see him. And I got upset and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a hard time feeling empathy for people you are too embarrassed to let me meet." He didn't react at all. I was angry, more because I had been stewing over this whole being a secret thing for so long. And I did apologize for getting upset with him, and he forgives me. Anytime I have gotten upset, he just forgives me and we move on... or at least he does. I know that I am his first girlfriend. I am not expecting to be his last, but I want to be a good one. We work so well together, and we have a lot of fun. But I want to be as welcome in his life as he is in mine, and I need help overcoming feeling like he is ashamed of me for some reason. Every time I approach the subject, I do so out of frustration. One time I tried to bring it up as some calm conversation, and that was when I got the "don't want it to change" answer. I sometimes consider a breakup and I know that if I went down that path, he would be really sad but would be too shy and scared to speak up and say no. That's just how he is... very submissive. And I don't want to break up with him anyway. I just don't want to feel the way I do anymore. Sorry to write a book. It is hard condensing a year of relationship into a few paragraphs. But if anyone has any questions or thoughts to help me work this out, I would appreciate them a lot. -Jul
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Two things pop in my head... 1).. He is embarrassed of his family and feels that you meeting them would embarrass himself. 2).. He has another GF and had told you a bunch of lies... I think it is number 1 myself... More than a year seems wayyyyy too long to keep you a secret.. Maybe it is time to push the issue with becoming his public GF and don't take no for an answer.
jenifer1972 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Couple of things raise my red flags.. He is a GRADUATE student at an Ivy League school and you are his first girlfriend...really? Is he rich?... If he is affluent, and you are not, there may be the reason he is keeping you a secret from his family. Just wondering... something is OFF.
Author JulieAnne Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 His dad has some fancy job with a small software company, and his mom is a stay-at-home mom. All signs point to them not being rich, but being comfortable. They don't live anywhere nearby. They also don't pay for his grad education. He is being sponsored by a fortune 500 company to do the lab work and get his degree at the same time. But I don't know that he is embarrassed about them. He talks some about his family and because I have some friends at the same college his sister went to, I actually noticed one day that she and I have a mutual friend on facebook. So I just clicked on her profile and looked a bit. His family members seem to be what he tells me they are, so I don't think any of this is a lie. I think he has some serious anxiety that he needs to deal with, but he won't. I forgot to mention too, that it seems like he self-medicates with alcohol. When drunk, he tells me nice things and talks about feelings and other stuff that he gets too anxious to talk about when sober.
mortensorchid Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 It's been a YEAR and he's still doing this?! There is something strange about this, whether it has to do with his seeing other women or something else. It would be in your best interest to do something about this, as in you should reconsider the whole situation. What else is he hiding? Either from you or others?
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 It isn't serious anxiety.. if you honestly believe that then you are just looking for a reason that fits and don't care if it plausible or not.. The guy goes to school and has a GF... Are you and he friends on FB ? Maybe there is an ex GF ( I know you said you are his first ) or someone he fancies that he doesn't want to let know that he has a GF.. Either way.. you really should speak in detail about this with him as this isn't fair for you.. you are now working toward your 2nd year together and he has kept you a secret.. Why didn't you keep him a secret and if you would've why ?...
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