FreeheartLover Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 (edited) Hi, everyone, I'm new here. I hope you all have some good insight on my realtionship topics and threads, and I'll try to reply and contribute as much as I can myself. I'm in a relationship with a guy I met on a free online dating site. Without digressing off topic, my main complaint (ironically) is that he is a complainer, kind of whiney baby, always crying about something (not literally). He has a laundry list of chronic physical, medical conditions, ranging from weird tooth/head aches to digestive troubles - and everything in between. He goes to the right doctors and takes good care of his body, but constantly talks about his ailments - constantly reminds me of how bad he's feeling. A little sample, an amalgamation of his various complaints: He's dizzy. His headache's a 10. Now an 8. Now a 5. He just feels "out of it." A ball of anxiety in his stomache. Just rub my back, I'll feel better. Just be still, be quiet. Make me stop talking. I'll feel better after I eat. I'm dizzy, we need to get something to eat right now. Ow, I hurt my rib. I think it's broken. How do you know if it's broken? I have to do my neck excersizes. I can't motivate myself to do yoga, but I really want to. His headache's a 4 now. Dizziness is a 10, gotta lie down. Don't feel like going out. Can't drink alcohol. Rib hurts too bad to go out. Headache's the worst it's every been. Let's drink a beer, but I know it'll make his headache worse later. I was right. Stress headaches. Stress issues, can't deal with anyone. Has no emotional capacity to even hear me out when I have something I need to talk about. Bad history past with stressful situations, still feeling physical effects of stress. Likes to be alone so he doesn't burden anyone else with his complaints, yet unloads them on me. Tries to hide it when he feels bad most of the time, which is all the time, and has to put constant effort into hiding his true feelings when in distress. And then he's got this entire "mystery" illness that he won't tell me about, that he believes is semi-serious, maybe permanent, recently developed. I have no idea what it is, and he gets defensive when I ask. SO as you can imagine, I get really tired of hearing about all his boo-hoos and wah-wahs, this hurts, that hurts, I'm stressed out and anxious. I'm a compassionate person - I care about people and am truly concerned about the people in my life when something is wrong. However, I've grown tired of being concerned about him, coddling him, or trying to help allieve his pains or whatever it is, stress. I didn't mind comforting at first, but after two months of being with him, I'm quickly getting sick of feeling like a nurse or therapist. This past week, he intended to go home after our time togther (an hour and a half away) but developed a headache and stayed over the night, annoying me so bad in bed that I made him go to the couch. He was just restless and had this plastic bag of ice on his head, and I couldn't stand it. I was trying to watch TV and relax for a minute, and he calls me into my bedroom just to snuggle and lay on me because his head hurts. I was just like..."I wish you'd have gone home so you weren't stuck here feeling bad." If it's not one thing, it's another. I feel bad for him, I really do, but I think he exaggerates his pains. I don't know why. Most people would say for attention, and maybe that's true, but I think he's just being a cry baby about it. As a woman, I have pains all the time, almost every day. I don't tell him about every single moment of discomfort I have, and rate them on a scale of 1 - 10 to keep a running tally of the intensity. I'm starting to become very cold towards him when he starts complaining...I avoid contact, don't coddle or try to relieve him. I just get irritated and annoyed and wait for it to be over. It's unpleasant for both of us. How do you deal with a whiney guy??? I'm too nice to tell him to suck it up, but my patience is wearing thin. On top of all these things, he calls me a complainer when I rant about my day at work or anything else like that. He's also said that complaints are valid only when they're about physical pain or some ailment you can't help - a convenient excuse for him. Edited January 9, 2011 by FreeheartLover
gurlboho1 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 hmmm, the illness part would be enough to make me keep it moving. maybe you should pull back..a lot...until you find out for sure what his illness is. it could be MENTAL. in that case, you should run for the hills)))...asap.
Author FreeheartLover Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 hmmm, the illness part would be enough to make me keep it moving. maybe you should pull back..a lot...until you find out for sure what his illness is. it could be MENTAL. in that case, you should run for the hills)))...asap. I hadn't considered that, a mental illness. Hypochondria, maybe something psychosomatic...I know he's having trouble dealing with the physical manifestations of some chronic stress he's had in the past, like PTSD. And I feel for him, I really do. I've had PTSD. I've had depression. I've had anxiety. I got treatment and I got better. He wants to put off going to a therapist until these "mystery" symptoms I don't know about go away, so I have reason to think they're physical and not mental. I just can't fake compassion. I care about him a lot, but his ailments overshadow our entire encounters.
jenifer1972 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Why continue in relationship with this guy? Are you co-dependent, and need to be needed, is what you need to clarify for yourself. He does not sound like a "keeper"..
ivalm Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Why continue in relationship with this guy? Are you co-dependent, and need to be needed, is what you need to clarify for yourself. He does not sound like a "keeper".. ^^ Agree ^^ OP seems like a good girl, the BF doesn't seem like a good guy. She should him and get herself someone who would appreciate her more and wouldn't be so annoying. Seriously, there are A LOT of guys out there, don't feel like you're stuck to someone if the relationship is bad and there doesn't seem a way to make it better.
Author FreeheartLover Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Why continue in relationship with this guy? Are you co-dependent, and need to be needed, is what you need to clarify for yourself. He does not sound like a "keeper".. I'm with him because he's a good guy, all ailments aside. He's highly intelligent, successful, sweet, and responsible, and he respects me and treats me kindly. No, I'm not a needy, co-dependent. I've even told him that I'm just as happy to be single as I am to be in a relationship. I'm an even-keeled, stable, smart girl that already knows enough about myself to be in a successful and balanced relationship.
jenifer1972 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Then what is the problem? He didn't sound so great in your first post
Seamless74 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Sounds like yet another wonderful relationship brought into the world by "online dating"... you do realize honey... no one says you have to deal with any of this right??
catgotyourtongue Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Hi Nope I could not do it. I commend you on trying and being kind and patient. I am a very compassionate person, and still that would be way too much, way too much. There are levels of handling your pain and ailments, and levels of sharing, this is unhealthy, or sets up a bad dynamic, mom, child dynamic. I suffer from a host of medical things and try hard not to let it rule my relationships. I try hard not to have it be focus of everything and not to let it over ride everything else. Sure I am fine letting someone into my pain sometimes and taking some help and compassion and support, I love that in someone. But this sounds either like a caretaker, caregiver type of thing or potentially that he may have a psychosomatic disorder perhaps...? best of luck to you on this, it's not easy, dating someone with medical issues is hard, more power to you ...
Els Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I think it's FAR too extreme to dump someone just over this. You say you're 'too nice to tell him to suck it up'. But evidently you are going to have to communicate this with him, albeit in a nicer way. Perhaps wait til he is well so he doesn't feel like you're just making things worse, and then bring the issue up with him?
ivalm Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Perhaps wait til he is well I'm under impression he is permanently "not well". I have chronic headaches, which is to say I have a headache almost at all times. Guess what, I NEVER complain about it to friends/dates/gf. OP should tell her BF to suck it up. If he does not, then move on.
BobSacamento Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Sounds like a buzzkill...for those I usually say "Pop a pill."
denise_xo Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Hi, everyone, I'm new here. I hope you all have some good insight on my realtionship topics and threads, and I'll try to reply and contribute as much as I can myself. I'm in a relationship with a guy I met on a free online dating site. Without digressing off topic, my main complaint (ironically) is that he is a complainer, kind of whiney baby, always crying about something (not literally). He has a laundry list of chronic physical, medical conditions, ranging from weird tooth/head aches to digestive troubles - and everything in between. He goes to the right doctors and takes good care of his body, but constantly talks about his ailments - constantly reminds me of how bad he's feeling. A little sample, an amalgamation of his various complaints: He's dizzy. His headache's a 10. Now an 8. Now a 5. He just feels "out of it." A ball of anxiety in his stomache. Just rub my back, I'll feel better. Just be still, be quiet. Make me stop talking. I'll feel better after I eat. I'm dizzy, we need to get something to eat right now. Ow, I hurt my rib. I think it's broken. How do you know if it's broken? I have to do my neck excersizes. I can't motivate myself to do yoga, but I really want to. His headache's a 4 now. Dizziness is a 10, gotta lie down. Don't feel like going out. Can't drink alcohol. Rib hurts too bad to go out. Headache's the worst it's every been. Let's drink a beer, but I know it'll make his headache worse later. I was right. Stress headaches. Stress issues, can't deal with anyone. Has no emotional capacity to even hear me out when I have something I need to talk about. Bad history past with stressful situations, still feeling physical effects of stress. Likes to be alone so he doesn't burden anyone else with his complaints, yet unloads them on me. Tries to hide it when he feels bad most of the time, which is all the time, and has to put constant effort into hiding his true feelings when in distress. And then he's got this entire "mystery" illness that he won't tell me about, that he believes is semi-serious, maybe permanent, recently developed. I have no idea what it is, and he gets defensive when I ask. SO as you can imagine, I get really tired of hearing about all his boo-hoos and wah-wahs, this hurts, that hurts, I'm stressed out and anxious. I'm a compassionate person - I care about people and am truly concerned about the people in my life when something is wrong. However, I've grown tired of being concerned about him, coddling him, or trying to help allieve his pains or whatever it is, stress. I didn't mind comforting at first, but after two months of being with him, I'm quickly getting sick of feeling like a nurse or therapist. This past week, he intended to go home after our time togther (an hour and a half away) but developed a headache and stayed over the night, annoying me so bad in bed that I made him go to the couch. He was just restless and had this plastic bag of ice on his head, and I couldn't stand it. I was trying to watch TV and relax for a minute, and he calls me into my bedroom just to snuggle and lay on me because his head hurts. I was just like..."I wish you'd have gone home so you weren't stuck here feeling bad." If it's not one thing, it's another. I feel bad for him, I really do, but I think he exaggerates his pains. I don't know why. Most people would say for attention, and maybe that's true, but I think he's just being a cry baby about it. As a woman, I have pains all the time, almost every day. I don't tell him about every single moment of discomfort I have, and rate them on a scale of 1 - 10 to keep a running tally of the intensity. I'm starting to become very cold towards him when he starts complaining...I avoid contact, don't coddle or try to relieve him. I just get irritated and annoyed and wait for it to be over. It's unpleasant for both of us. How do you deal with a whiney guy??? I'm too nice to tell him to suck it up, but my patience is wearing thin. On top of all these things, he calls me a complainer when I rant about my day at work or anything else like that. He's also said that complaints are valid only when they're about physical pain or some ailment you can't help - a convenient excuse for him. If I were in your position, I would try i) to explain to him the effects of his complaints to the relationship and how it makes you feel, emphasising that you don't think the situation is sustainable in the long run ii) tell him that you need openness in a relationship about health, especially when it's such a big part of his life iii) tell him that he needs to be able to give you emotional support, and not just the other way around. If those three issues can't be constructively addressed by the two of you together, I think this is going to be really difficult in the long term.
musemaj11 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 What a funny guy. He is totally hypochondriac.
Author FreeheartLover Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 If I were in your position, I would try i) to explain to him the effects of his complaints to the relationship and how it makes you feel, emphasising that you don't think the situation is sustainable in the long run ii) tell him that you need openness in a relationship about health, especially when it's such a big part of his life iii) tell him that he needs to be able to give you emotional support, and not just the other way around. If those three issues can't be constructively addressed by the two of you together, I think this is going to be really difficult in the long term. Thanks, I appreciate your feedback. Eventually, sooner rather than later, I'll have to tell him how his complaining makes me feel. It totally brings me down when we're together. He's said before that with his multitude of problems, he should be focusing on getting better, rather than trying to be in a relationship at this time. That it might be too hard to do both. He feels most at ease when he's home alone without me so that he won't burden me with his problems. I've asked him to open up about the mystery illness, but he repeatedly refuses and asks me to respect that. I do need emotional support, too, and he's been supportive and he's also been not supportive. When I have what he calls "complaints" about my day or work or whatever, he tells me to vent to a girlfriend because he has no emotional capacity, no space to put it and comprehend it. He can't add stress to what he's already experiencing. Fine. But there have been times when we're having a long talk about each other, and then he's really understanding and supportive if I tell him something about something that happened in the past, etc. It's a give and take, every relationship. I've been the giver so many times, so I'm just not willing to let that happen again. He has the same issue - being taken advantage of by past girlfriends, so he is hesitant to just give, give, give as well. Like we're at a stalemate. Something's gotta give! He says he wants to feel appreciated...so do I.
Author FreeheartLover Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 I think it's FAR too extreme to dump someone just over this. You say you're 'too nice to tell him to suck it up'. But evidently you are going to have to communicate this with him, albeit in a nicer way. Perhaps wait til he is well so he doesn't feel like you're just making things worse, and then bring the issue up with him? He knows I'm nice, and that's part of me that he really likes. I'm accomodating, and very tolerant. But his attitude about his ailments is contagious - it wears on me. I'm not looking to dump the guy because he's got some medical problems. I can't say I'm super happy right now with him, because when I think of being with him, I think of him complaining about his issues constantly. But we've had some good times and when we're having fun, it's great.
Author FreeheartLover Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Hi Nope I could not do it. I commend you on trying and being kind and patient. I am a very compassionate person, and still that would be way too much, way too much. There are levels of handling your pain and ailments, and levels of sharing, this is unhealthy, or sets up a bad dynamic, mom, child dynamic. I suffer from a host of medical things and try hard not to let it rule my relationships. I try hard not to have it be focus of everything and not to let it over ride everything else. Sure I am fine letting someone into my pain sometimes and taking some help and compassion and support, I love that in someone. But this sounds either like a caretaker, caregiver type of thing or potentially that he may have a psychosomatic disorder perhaps...? best of luck to you on this, it's not easy, dating someone with medical issues is hard, more power to you ... I have fallen into the caregiver/mothering/nurturing role way too many times. It's in my nature to care, but I'm not letting it happen this time. I still care, but I'm not going to focus my energy caring for his woes. That's why I sent him to the couch last time. I wasn't about to ruin my night of sleep because of his headache.
sally4sara Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 This guy doesn't fall under my definition of a "high maintenance" man. He sounds like a hypochondriac and similar to the main character perspective in "Notes From The Underground" by Dostoevsky.
carhill Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Is this attraction style a pattern for you? TBH, this man isn't really relationship material, as he has significant personal health issues to deal with. No one 'deserves' a relationship. It results from compatibility, connection, attraction and effort. Since his illness is to remain a mystery, so should your empathy and care. Life is imperfect. We all have 'stuff'. Part of intimacy is open sharing of that stuff. Walling it off only serves to poison that process. Perhaps he'll best process this issue alone.
Author FreeheartLover Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Is this attraction style a pattern for you? TBH, this man isn't really relationship material, as he has significant personal health issues to deal with. No one 'deserves' a relationship. It results from compatibility, connection, attraction and effort. Since his illness is to remain a mystery, so should your empathy and care. Life is imperfect. We all have 'stuff'. Part of intimacy is open sharing of that stuff. Walling it off only serves to poison that process. Perhaps he'll best process this issue alone. Thanks. I didn't know about any of his problems when he met, and he hid them for a long time. I like what you said (bolded).
Els Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 He knows I'm nice, and that's part of me that he really likes. I'm accomodating, and very tolerant. But his attitude about his ailments is contagious - it wears on me. I'm not looking to dump the guy because he's got some medical problems. I can't say I'm super happy right now with him, because when I think of being with him, I think of him complaining about his issues constantly. But we've had some good times and when we're having fun, it's great. My point was, that you should talk to him about it. Building up resentment and not even trying to communicate is not called being nice. You can do it in the best and nicest way possible, but you need to do it. For all you know, communicating could solve the problem. And if it doesn't, then you can decide whether you want to put up with this or not.
Author FreeheartLover Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 My point was, that you should talk to him about it. Building up resentment and not even trying to communicate is not called being nice. You can do it in the best and nicest way possible, but you need to do it. For all you know, communicating could solve the problem. And if it doesn't, then you can decide whether you want to put up with this or not. Thanks I think I will say something next time he gets into a funk.
Author FreeheartLover Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 This guy doesn't fall under my definition of a "high maintenance" man. He sounds like a hypochondriac and similar to the main character perspective in "Notes From The Underground" by Dostoevsky. Yeah, he doesn't require maintenenance from me, but for himself.
Billy_Boy Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 He sounds like my mother! Hypochondria(sp?) is real, people use it to get attention. Maybe his mother only paid him attention when he was sick as a kid, its how my mother got to be like she is, I have to tell her constantly that I dont want to talk about anybody's, especially her or my, health.
oaks Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I've asked him to open up about the mystery illness, but he repeatedly refuses and asks me to respect that. Is he getting treatment for it? It sounds like he needs treatment for something. If you're going to have an LTR with him there are some reasons why it would be unreasonable (unacceptable) for him to keep this a secret forever, for example if it's something where his health could deteriorate to the point where he needs lots of care, or if it's something that could be passed on to any children you have with him, then you need to know about it. So if you both say that you're hoping to have an LTR then you could point out that his secrecy would be a barrier to the relationship lasting that long (even if you respect it at this earlier stage of your relationship). I think lots of people would turn tail and run right now, and not many people would blame you.
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